by Anchee Min
As I lay awake, my thoughts went to Emperor Hsien Feng. I wondered if he and Nuharoo were enjoying each other. I wondered when he would summon me. I felt a bit cold, and I remembered that An-te-hai had told me that he had trouble warming my bed. The heater under my kang was not working properly. He believed it was Shim’s doing, that the chief eunuch was sending me a message: either I would live a comfortable life by tipping him on a regular basis, or I would be cold in winter and hot in summer. Easy or difficult, Shim was telling me: it was my choice.
“As long as you are one of the three thousand concubines, you can’t escape him,” An-te-hai had said.
I didn’t have any trouble sleeping in a bed that was not warmed to the Imperial standard. However, it was important to work toward the goal of becoming Emperor Hsien Feng’s favorite. It was the only way to gain respect. I had no time to lose. I was turning eighteen. In the Imperial garden of beauty, eighteen was considered a flower on its way to withering.
I tried not to think about what I truly desired from life. I got up and copied a verse from a poetry book.
The east branch of the Yangtze keeps flowing,
Love seeds we once sowed forever keep growing.
Your face in dreams grew blurred to my eyes,
I stayed up and listened to night birds’ cries.
Spring not yet green,
My gray hair seen,
Our separation too long for my heart to grieve.
The past appears again and again
On the night of the fabulous Lantern Festival.
Seven
THE FIRST MONTH passed quickly. Every morning when the sun’s rays touched my curtain I rose to find my cat, Snow, beside me. I had become attached to this soft creature. I knew what my day would be like. It would be another day of waiting and hoping that His Majesty would visit.
An-te-hai said that I should find things to do in order to occupy myself. Embroidery, fishing and playing chess were his suggestions.
I picked up chess, but lost interest after a couple of games. The eunuchs let me win every time. I felt that my intelligence was insulted, but they were too afraid to play as equals with me.
I became fascinated by the Imperial clocks, which were part of the furniture and wall displays throughout the Forbidden City. My favorite one was the woodpecker. It lived inside a ceramic tree trunk and came out only to peck the hour. I loved its chiming sounds. An-te-hai liked its pecking motion because it reminded him of a bowing head. When he could, he tried to be there to receive the “bows.”
My other favorite clock was strange in shape. It looked like a family of wheels embracing together. It sat in a clear glass box, which allowed me to look at its inner workings. Like a harmonious family, every wheel performed its duty and delivered its energy so that the hour could sing.
I studied the clocks and wondered about their places of origin. Most were from faraway lands. They were gifts from foreign kings and princes to the Chinese emperors of previous dynasties. The designs showed the makers’ love for life, which made me wonder whether all the stories I had been told about the savage barbarians were true.
My enthusiasm for the timepieces was quickly spent. I began to have trouble looking at their needle-like hands. The way they crawled so slowly made me want to push them forward. I told An-te-hai to cover their faces with cloth. “No more bows,” I heard him say to the woodpecker.
To day I was bored even before I got out of bed.
“Did my lady have a good night’s sleep?” An-te-hai’s voice came from the courtyard.
I sat on the bed and didn’t bother to answer.
“Good morning!” The eunuch stepped in with a sweet smile. “Your slaves are ready to attend your wash, my lady.”
My morning wash was an event. Before I got out of bed, the eunuchs and maids made a parade of dresses. I had to pick one among three dozen. So many fine dresses, although half of them were not to my taste.
Then I had to pick out shoes and hats and jewelry. After I got out of bed I went to a room to use the chamber pot. I was followed by six maids. It was no use that I demanded to be left alone. These people were trained by Chief Eunuch Shim to be deaf and mute in situations like this.
It was a large room without furniture. A finely carved and painted yellow pot was placed in the center. It looked like a big pumpkin. Small lanterns stood in the corners of the room. The walls were draped with curtains, which were embroidered with blue and white flowers.
I was in a hurry but couldn’t let myself go. There was no window to let out the odor. The maids stood around me, staring. I told them again and again to leave me alone, but they refused. They begged me to let them serve. One of them held a wet towel to wipe me afterward, another carried a dish of soap, the third one a handful of silk paper on a tray, the fourth one a silver basin. The last two each carried a bucket filled with water, one hot and the other cold.
“Leave your stuff on the floor,” I said. “You are dismissed.”
Everyone murmured “Yes, my lady,” but no one moved.
I raised my voice. “I am going to stink.”
“No, you don’t stink,” they replied in unison.
“Do me a favor!” I shouted. “Out!”
“We don’t mind. We love your stink.”
“An-te-hai!”
An-te-hai rushed in. “Yes, my lady.”
“Call Chief Eunuch Shim immediately and tell him that my servants are not obeying me.”
“It won’t work, my lady.” An-te-hai put his hands together to form a tube as he whispered into my ear. “I am afraid Chief Eunuch Shim wouldn’t do anything about this.”
“Why?”
“It is the rule that the Emperor’s wives be served this way.”
“Whoever invented the rule must be an idiot.”
“Oh, no, my lady, don’t ever say that!” An-te-hai was shocked. “It was Her Majesty the Grand Empress who invented the rules!”
I pictured the Grand Empress sitting on her chamber pot, attended by a roomful of maids. “She must think that her shit is diamonds and her farts perfume. Does Her Majesty have rules about the size, shape, length, color and odor of stools?”
“Please, my lady.” An-te-hai became nervous. “You want to bring no trouble to yourself and me.”
“Trouble? All I want is to be able to shit by myself!”
“It is not about shitting, my lady,” An-te-hai murmured, as if his mouth was stuffed with food.
“What it is about, then?”
“It is about grace, my lady.”
“Grace? How can anyone shit gracefully?”
Getting my face made, my hair oiled and combed and my dress put on and tightened around my waist, only to be taken off in the afternoon, became not only boring but also tiring. The eunuchs and ladies in waiting held trays and marched back and forth in front of me with dresses, underwear, accessories, ornaments, belts and hairpins. I couldn’t wait for the ritual to be over. I would have preferred to have them tell me where these things were and pick them out myself. But I was not entitled to change the rules. I started to see that the Imperial life was about nothing but elaborate detail. My biggest problem was patience.
An-te-hai kept me company when my hair was being done. He amused me with stories and jokes. He stood behind me as I sat facing the mirror.
First the hairdresser smoothed my hair with scented water. Then he oiled it with mountain sunflower extract. After combing it through, he coiled it up. He tried to fashion it into the shape of a swan on this particular morning.
The process annoyed me and I was becoming irritated.
To ease the tension, An-te-hai asked if I would like to learn the details of Emperor Hsien Feng’s belt.
I told him that I was not interested.
“The belt is the Imperial color, bright yellow, of course,” An-te-hai began, ignoring me. “A work of original Manchu craftsmanship, functional but exquisite.” Seeing that I didn’t object, he went on. “It is reinforced with horsehair a
nd ornamented with white folded silk ribbons. The belt has been passed down from His Majesty’s ancestors and is worn during important ceremonies. The court’s astrologer has exact specifications about how His Majesty should wear such items. Usually Emperor Hsien Feng will also wear an ivory tube with toothpicks, a knife in a sheath of rhinoceros horn and two perfume sachets embroidered with tiny pearls. Originally these were made of tough linen used to replace a broken bridle.”
I smiled, appreciating the eunuch’s intention. An-te-hai always knew how to set off my craving for knowledge.
“Does Nuharoo know what you know?” I asked An-te-hai.
“Yes, my lady, she does.”
“Was it part of the reason that she was chosen?”
An-te-hai went quiet. I could tell that he didn’t want to offend me.
I dropped the subject and said, “An-te-hai, from now on you are responsible for refreshing my knowledge of royal life.” I avoided saying the words “teach me.” I noticed that An-te-hai would be more at ease and provide me with better information if I acted like his master instead of his pupil.
“I want you to suggest what I should wear during the coming Chinese New Year’s celebration.”
“Well, first you have to be sure that you never dress above your rank. Yet you don’t want to appear unimaginative. That is to say, you have to be able to foretell what the Grand Empress and Empress Nuharoo might wear.”
“Yes, that makes sense.”
“I would assume that their jadeite pendants will be in the shape of lotus leaves, their other ornaments of pearl and pink tourmaline. They will take care not to step over Emperor Hsien Feng. His pendant is a carving of a triple goat, an auspicious sign he wears only on the eve of the Chinese New Year.”
“What should my pendant be?”
“Any sign or symbol you please, as long as you don’t outshine the two ladies. As I said, you don’t want to underdress either, because you don’t want to forfeit His Majesty’s attention. You must do everything in your power to stand out among thousands of concubines. You might not get to see your husband at all except on those occasions.”
I wished that I could invite An-te-hai to join me for breakfast instead of serving me, watching me eat and then going to his quarters to have a cold yam.
He appreciated my feelings and was happy to enslave himself. I knew that he was weaving his future around me. If I became Hsien Feng’s favorite, his position would be elevated. But I was getting no attention from His Majesty. How long did I have to wait? Would I ever get a chance? Why was I not hearing anything from Chief Eunuch Shim?
It had been seven weeks since I entered the Palace of Concentrated Beauty. I no longer looked at the yellow glazed roofs. Their brilliance had faded in my eyes. The task of picking out dresses to wear in the morning bored me to tears. I realized by now that I would dress up for no one else to see. Even my eunuchs and ladies in waiting would not be there to witness the perfection of my beauty. They were instructed to hide themselves when not called. I usually ended up alone after I was fully dressed.
Every day I found myself standing in the middle of the splendid but empty palace, my neck stretched long and hard from morning to noon. Countless times I dreamed of Emperor Hsien Feng’s visit. In my fantasies he came, took my hand and passionately embraced me.
Lately I had been sitting by my pond. Dressed up like a fool, I watched the turtles and toads. In the morning the sun lingered over the garden, and two turtles would swim up lazily. They floated on top of the water for a time and then crawled over to a flat rock to relax. Slowly one would get on top of the other. They would lie motionless in this position for hours, and I would sit with them.
The beautiful wide-open eyes look dead, although her posture is erect and her costume magnificent—lines from old operas repeated themselves inside my head.
An-te-hai appeared from the bushes holding a cup of tea on a tray.
“Is my lady having a good day?” An-te-hai placed the tea in front of me.
I sighed and told him that I didn’t feel like having tea.
An-te-hai smiled. He leaned over and pushed the turtles gently back into the water. “You are too anxious, my lady. Don’t be.”
“Life is too long in the Forbidden City, An-te-hai,” I said. “Even the seconds are hard to pass.”
“The day will come,” An-te-hai said. His expression showed a sincere belief. “His Majesty will summon you, my lady.”
“Will he?”
“You must believe that he will.”
“Why would he?”
“Why wouldn’t he?” An-te-hai rose from his knees.
“Speak no more of false hope, An-te-hai!”
“You can’t afford to lose your confidence, my lady. What else do you own besides hope? His Majesty has placed you on the west side of his palace. I believe that is the sign of a strong interest. All the fortune-tellers I have consulted predict that he will summon you.”
My mood lightened and I picked up the tea.
“May I ask”—the eunuch smiled as if he felt better himself—“if my lady is prepared if the summons comes tonight? In other words, is my lady familiar with the mating ritual?”
Embarrassed, I replied, “Of course I am.”
“If you desire an explanation, I am here to help.”
“You?” I couldn’t help laughing. “Watch your behavior, An-te-hai.”
“Only you know whether or not I was behaving, my lady.”
I went quiet.
“I will be glad to drink the poison you hand me,” An-te-hai said softly.
“Perform your duty and waste no words.” I smiled.
“Wait for me, my lady. I’ll show you something.” Quickly An-te-hai collected the tea set and left. Moments later he returned with a paper box in his hand. Inside was a pair of silkworm moths.
“I got this from the garden of the Palace of Benevolent Tranquility,” An-te-hai said. “It is where the elder concubines live—twenty-eight of them, left by Emperor Hsien Feng’s father and grandfather. These are their pets.”
“What do they do with moths?” I asked. “I thought they spent their days doing embroidery.”
“Well, the ladies watch and play with the moths,” An-te-hai said. “It is the same as the emperors and princes indulging themselves with crickets. The only difference is that there is no competition between silkworm moths.”
“What’s the fun in watching moths?”
“You have no idea, my lady.” As if revealing a mystery, An-te-hai be-came excited. “The ladies love to watch the moths couple, and then they tear them apart in the middle of their mating ritual. Would you like me to show you?”
Imagining what An-te-hai would do, I raised my hands in the air. “No! Take the box back. I am not interested!”
“All right, my lady, I won’t show you today. But someday you will want to see this. You will then understand the fun of it, just like the other ladies.”
“What happens when you tear the moths apart?” I asked.
“They bleed to death.”
“And that is the ‘fun’ you were talking about?”
“Precisely.” An-te-hai smiled, misreading, for the first time, my thoughts.
“Whoever does this must have a sick mind,” I said, turning my head toward the distant mountains.
“Well, to those in despair it helps healing,” the eunuch said quietly.
I turned and stared into the open box.
Two moths were becoming one. Half of the male’s body was inside the female’s.
“Would you like me to remove the box, my lady?”
“Be gone, An-te-hai, and leave the moths to me.”
“Yes, my lady. The moths are easy to feed. In case you need to have more than one pair, the silkworm seller comes to the palace the fourth day of every month.”
The pair rested peacefully on a mat of straw. Next to them were two broken cocoons. The two little white bodies had wings covered with thick ash-colored powder. Once in a whi
le their wings trembled. Were they having fun?
The sun shifted. The flat rock was now in shade. The garden was warm and comfortable. I noticed my reflection in the water. My cheeks were the color of a peach flower, and my hair reflected the light.
I tried to block my mind from traveling further. I didn’t want to ruin the moment by picturing my future. But I knew that I envied the pair of moths and the turtles. My youth told me that I couldn’t extinguish my desire, just as I couldn’t force the sun not to shine or the wind not to blow.
Afternoon came. A rickety cart dragged by a donkey appeared in my view. It was a rusty water cart. An old man with a whip walked behind it. There was a little yellow flag on top of the giant wooden cask. The old man was coming to fill the water jars in my palace. According to An-te-hai, the water cart was over fifty years old. It had served since Emperor Chien Lung. To procure the best spring water, the Emperor had ordered experts to come to Peking to study and compare the quality of water samples gathered from springs across the country. The Emperor had personally conducted the measuring and weighing of the water, and he had analyzed the mineral content of each sample.
The water from Jade Mountain Spring was given the highest rating. From then on, the spring was set aside for the exclusive use of residents of the Forbidden City. The gates of Peking closed by ten at night, and nothing was allowed to pass through except the water cart with the little yellow flag. The donkey traveled in the center of the boulevard. It was said that even a prince on a horse had to make way for the donkey.
I watched the water man finish his task and then disappear behind the gate. I listened to the fading sound of the donkey’s steps. I felt sucked back into the darkness. Misery settled in like wetness from the rainy season.
The next time I opened the silkworm box, I found the moths gone. In their place were hundreds of brownish dots all over the straw.
“The babies! The moths’ babies!” I cried like a crazy woman.
Another week passed and there was no news. No one visited me either. The silence around my palace grew enormous. When Snow came to my arms I was moved to tears. As the day went on, I fed the cat, bathed and played with her until I was bored. I read books and copied more poems from ancient times. I began to paint too. The paintings reflected my mood. They were always of a single tree in the landscape, or one blossom in a vast field of snow.