by Selena Kitt
“Come along then, Lily.” Sister Benedict looked directly at Leah, wearing the disapproval on her face like a mask.
Leah suddenly felt desperate. She couldn’t stay there, no matter what her condition. There must be some other way, a different solution. Looking at Father Michael, she saw far more empathy there than she did on her own mother’s face, and so that’s where she turned.
“Please, Father...” She heard her own voice trembling in her ears, but she couldn’t follow her plea up with anything. There was nowhere else to go, no one else to turn to, and she knew it.
“It won’t be long.” Father Michael gave her an encouraging smile, taking her outstretched hand in his and patting it with the other. “It’ll be over before you know it.”
And then what? Leah wondered. She couldn’t help remember Alice Kernighan, how impetuous and boisterous she had been before with all that red frizzy hair, how she’d come back and had been assimilated into the Catholic good-girl fold as if nothing had ever happened—but the light had gone from her eyes, the ready smile wiped from her face.
“Please...” It was her last attempt, half-hearted at best, fruitless tears stinging her eyes. She willed them not to fall.
“Let’s go.” Leah’s mother tucked her pocketbook under her arm and took hold of the open door, glancing back at her daughter. “Goodbye, Luh… Lily.”
Father Michael squeezed Leah’s hand briefly before hobbling after Leah’s mother on his cane, and Sister Benedict reached out to close the door behind them. Leah watched the two familiar figures descending the stairs, catching a last glimpse of Father Michael’s collar and her mother’s fashionable white organdy hat, matching her pristine gloves, before the heavy door boomed closed.
“Come with me.”
Leah picked up her little suitcase and followed the sister up the dark, cherry wood stairs, a sick ball settling in the pit of her stomach. The place was as quiet as church, although she knew there had to be other girls—women—there. The sister stopped at a large chalkboard hung in the hallway, as big as the ones they’d had at school.
“We currently have thirty-two girls in the house.” The sister took a pointer off the tray, using it to show Leah her name—her fake name, Lily—printed neatly in a rectangle at the very bottom. There were thirty-two other girls’ names, all fake, Leah assumed. “Our chore list rotates week by week. You’ll learn our system soon enough.”
They went past closed doors, around the corner, and up another flight of heavy stairs, the banister wider than Leah’s hand as they ascended, dark wood everywhere. It was hot and stuffy and Leah was sweating as they reached the third floor. Sister Benedict went to the door furthest from them on the left, opening it and sweeping in. Leah followed, putting her suitcase down on the bed the nun pointed to.
“Four girls to each room.”
There were four metal framed beds, four night stands and four armoires. The sister walked over to the one by the bed Leah had put her suitcase on, opening the door. Inside there was nothing but gray dresses on wire hangers.
“These are yours.” Sister Benedict looked pointedly at Leah’s fashionable polka dot dress and high heels. “They have your name on the tags. Your shoes are here in the bottom.”
There were two pairs of Mary Jane’s lined up neatly on the shelf of the little armoire. Leah wondered how they’d known her size, and then realized with dawning horror her mother must have told them. What else had she told them?
She looked around the little room, wondering where the others were, who were the girls she would be sharing this sparse room with? She wanted to ask, but thought better of it when she looked back at Sister Benedict, closing up the armoire with a grim look. She didn’t make a move that wasn’t definitive.
“Come with me.”
Now where were they going? She didn’t dare ask. Leaving her suitcase, she followed the nun back down the hall, down both flights of stairs, into the main foyer. She perked up when she heard the sound of voices, far off but real enough. Maybe they were at lunch? Her stomach rumbled. She found herself alternately hungry and nauseous at turns lately.
Down a back hallway, past more framed pictures of Jesus in various stages of despair with a few saints thrown in for good measure, they came to an open door. Inside was a little room with wooden chairs lined up along both walls. They went through this room as well, down another hallway, past what Leah recognized as a doctor’s examining room, the sick ball in her stomach contracting fiercely.
“Dr. Peters?” The nun knocked on the next door, even though it was open.
Leah couldn’t see him, not around the screen of Sister Benedict’s habit, but she heard him. “About time. I’m late. Get her ready!”
“Yes, Doctor.”
Sister Benedict turned, heading back the way they’d come, and Leah glimpsed the doctor sitting at a desk, feet up, a magazine in his hands. He scowled at her and she shrank back as he tossed his magazine aside, swinging his feet down. He was wearing regular street clothes, a white lab coat hanging over the back of his chair, his eyes angry behind his thick, black framed glasses.
Leah scurried down the hall to find Sister Benedict setting up a brown examining table with wooden drawers underneath. She glanced up as Leah appeared in the doorway, waving her inside.
“Step up here.” The nun nodded at the scale, and Leah did as she was told, taking off her heels before standing on it and watching the sister glide the weight up and up. She had already gained fifteen pounds—far too much, according to the doctor Leah’s mother had made her see. Her usually tiny breasts were fuller, her hips beginning to round out. She was finally getting all those curves she’d always been so envious of in other girls.
Once she was weighed and measured, and she’d peed in a little cup and her temperature and blood pressure had been taken, the sister faced her, expression grim, and Leah blinked in surprise at her order.
“You want me to… what?”
“Strip,” Sister Benedict said again, holding out her hand. “I’ll take your clothes. You won’t need them until you leave.”
Leah had already been through one humiliating exam at her mother’s insistence, but it had been in a well-lit downtown doctor’s office with a nurse present, and they had given her a gown to wear and some privacy, at least.
“But shouldn’t there be a nurse? I—”
“You need to start learning to keep your mouth and your legs closed, young lady.” Sister Benedict slammed the door and crossed her arms over her chest. “All the sisters here are nurses, for your information. Now strip.”
Leah took off her little white cardigan, handing it over to the nun. Her dress was already unzipped in the back—it wouldn’t close at her waist anymore—so it was easy to slide the sleeves down her arms. The room was cold and she shivered as she slid the dress over her hips, stepping out of it and handing it to Sister Benedict.
“The rest,” the nun insisted. “All of it.”
“All—?” She stopped any further questioning when she saw the black look on the sister’s face, turning away and unhooking her garters from her stockings, sliding them down and leaving two silky pools on the floor. Then the too-tight girdle and garters came off, which was a bit of a relief. Her belly was just beginning to show.
Glancing over her shoulder, she saw the nun looking at her and shivered again.
“Go on.”
Leah unhooked her bra, shrugging it off, and then, shamefully, slid her panties down, stepping out of those too. Gathering up her clothes, she held them in front of her nakedness like a shield, turning to face Sister Benedict.
“‘Hell is naked, and destruction hath no covering.’ Job twenty-six, six.” The nun snatched the rest of Leah’s clothes from her, tossing them onto the chair in the corner. “Get up on the table and put your feet in the stirrups.”
Leah did, sliding up onto the examining table. It had a paper covering, but that was all, and it crinkled as she situated herself, putting first one foot and then the other in the stirrups.
>
“Bottom to the edge of the table.”
She yelped when the nurse smacked her hip hard to get her moving, calling over her shoulder, “Doctor, she’s ready!”
Leah closed her eyes, tears falling down her temples. She couldn’t stop them anymore. But she cried silently, hearing the nurse getting things ready on the table down between Leah’s wide open legs. In this position, she couldn’t possibly close them, as much as she would have liked to. She just kept still, wishing it was all over.
“You’ll be examined by the doctor once every month until your last.”
Your last. It sounded to Leah like a proclamation that she was dying.
Might as well be.
“Then every week in your final month.”
The doctor came in, opening the door, all gruff and business-like. He didn’t look at her face as he pressed and fondled her breasts. He scowled when she winced—they’d been very tender, although that was finally starting to fade—pinching each nipple in turn, hard. Leah just held her breath and bit her tongue, literally. Then he settled down on the wooden stool between her open thighs.
“You’ve had a pregnancy test?” he inquired.
Leah nodded, trying out her voice. It came out very small. “Yes.”
“Have you felt any movement?”
“No.” She hadn’t given much thought to the life growing in her belly beyond her expanding waistline and upset digestive system, to be honest. It strangely hadn’t even occurred to her that she would feel it move inside of her!
“Well cheer up, maybe the baby’s died and let you off the hook.” He flashed her a wicked smile, standing up between her legs, and she gulped at the sight. Hadn’t she thought the same thing? Leah was filled with guilt and shame as he pressed some sort of long, wooden cup to her rounded lower belly. “Did they hear a heartbeat?”
She shook her head, glancing over at Sister Benedict, who stood near the silver tray, her face impassive as she watched. It was true, she’d wished her own baby dead, for so very many reasons, but now as the doctor stood there, moving the wooden device around on her belly, listening, she found herself hoping for the opposite.
“Do you hear anything?”
He scowled again—it seemed to be his usual expression—and snapped, “No such luck. We’ve got a viable fetus from the sounds of it.”
Relief flooded through her limbs and she felt more tears slipping down, wetting the dark hair at her temples, her whole body rejoicing with the news, in spite of the repercussions. It should be dead. You should be dead. And she’d wished for both, hadn’t she? But here they were, both alive. At least, she reasoned, only one of us is suffering.
The doctor stayed there standing between her thighs, putting one hand on her belly before sliding two fingers deep inside of her, without a word of warning. Leah gasped, tears coming to her eyes as he pushed and prodded and probed, forcing his way in. It felt as if he was tearing her apart down there!
“That hurts!” she gasped, trying to sit, to escape.
Sister Benedict pressed her to the table with one hand. “Don’t make me have to strap you down.”
“Hurts, eh?” The doctor had removed his hand, sitting again, but his fingers were quickly replaced by something very cold. “It’s going to hurt a hell of a lot more before you’re done. Guess you should have thought about that before you spread your legs in the first place.”
Leah tried not to sob as he manipulated things down there and she shivered, naked and completely exposed on the examining table, her teeth beginning to chatter. The thing was spreading her open and then there was more pain, a deep-rooted ache, and still more probing after he removed the object, his fingers back, pressing and pulling and stretching.
Oh Rob, our baby, our baby…
Thinking of him was too painful, far more painful than anything the doctor could have possibly done to her, even if he’d split her open with an ax right then. Thinking of the last person who had touched her there with such care and reverence and love, thinking of the man who had proposed to her, had promised himself, and she to him, was an exercise in torture. She thought of the letter she had given to her mother to pass along to him, wondering if she would. In the end, did she really want him to know?
“She’s tiny,” he remarked, putting the tools back and going over to the sink to wash his hands. “Might have a hard time if the baby gets too big. Fifteen pounds already! Restrict her food intake.”
“Yes, doctor.” Sister Benedict was cleaning up the tools and the tray, and Leah just stayed there, waiting, naked and shaking, hands gripping the edge of the table, her knuckles white.
“March sixth was your last menstruation?” The doctor was holding a chart, looking down at her. Leah nodded, not trusting her voice at all now, crossing her arms over her breasts. He fiddled with some sort of round paper wheel, frowning. “Due December eleventh then. Cheer up, sweetheart. You could be home by Christmas.”
The doctor disappeared, presumably back to his office. Sister Benedict pointed to the chair where, miraculously at some point during the ordeal, Leah’s clothes had been replaced with a plain gray dress and black Mary Jane shoes.
“You can get dressed.” The nun had all the tools wrapped up, carrying them in a cloth to the sink. “Then go back to your room. Top of the stairs on the left. Do you remember?”
Leah nodded, her knees weak as she got her legs out of the stirrups and managed to stand. The sister stood at the sink washing things while Leah put on the plain white cotton panties at the bottom of the stack of clothes.
“I’m bleeding,” she whispered, touching her fingers to the red streaks in the crotch.
“You’re fine.” Sister Benedict didn’t even turn around.
She put on the bra, then the knee socks and the gray dress, buttoning the black buttons up the front. It was all a perfect fit and she knew her mother must have told them her size. There was nothing left to do but go, and Leah started out of the examination room.
“Welcome to Magdalene House,” Sister Benedict called as Leah made her way through the waiting room.
Some welcome.
The sound of raised feminine voices greeted her as she limped up the stairs, along with the faint sound of music, giving her a little hope the dreadful, harrowing experience Magdalene House had turned out to be so far might brighten just a little bit. She passed the doors on the second floor, open now, girls in them sitting on their beds. There were radios playing, and curious heads poked out as she passed, whispered calls of, “New girl!” rebounding behind her as Leah trudged up the second flight of stairs.
Leah glanced up to see how much further she had to go—the pain in her womb was slowing her down—catching the glimpse of a cherub’s face, round pink cheeks and bright blue eyes with blond Shirley Temple curls.
“She’s here!” the cherub burst out, disappearing from the banister.
Leah made her way up the last half flight of stairs, turning the corner and seeing the blonde girl disappearing into the last room on the left. More girls poked their heads out as she shuffled past, the sight of her little blue suitcase sitting on the bed a familiar, welcome relief.
“She’s the new Lily!” the blonde girl piped up as Leah sat gingerly on the edge of her bed, glancing around for the first time. The girls sat on the bed across from her in a row like three gray birds on a line.
“They recycle everything around here.” The redhead to the left of the blonde rolled her eyes. She was a striking beauty with big brown eyes. “Even our names. I’m Marty—Martha. This is little Lizzie.” The redhead put her hand on top of the blonde’s curls. “And that’s Frannie.”
The ethnic-looking, wavy brunette on the end gave her a half smile.
Leah winced as she shifted her weight on the bed.
“Dr. Glum?” Marty made a face. “He’s the worst. I bled for two days after my first exam with him.”
Leah nodded, swallowing the tears that threatened again. “I’m Luh—Lily.”
The bl
onde laughed. “We know.”
“So when are you gonna pop?” Marty looked down at Leah’s belly with curiosity. “You don’t look that far along.”
“He said… December eleventh.”
Marty grinned. “I’m December sixth.”
“I’m October eighteenth.” Lizzie’s hands smoothed her dress over the bump in her middle. It was far more noticeable than Marty’s.
“January sixth.” Frannie spoke for the first time, smoothing her belly bump too. It filled half her lap! “And I know, I’m big as a house already!”
“She’s on food restriction.” Marty rolled her eyes. “We sneak rolls and bacon and stuff up here for her all the time.”
“They put me on food restriction too.” Leah frowned at the memory of the recommendation, her stomach rumbling. “And I’m starving! Did I miss lunch?”