Alex unburied his head. “Oh, sweetie. I’ll bet you were a fabulous husband.”
“I tried.”
“But it wasn’t your fault. You see that now, don’t you?”
“I should have tried harder. I should have been able to fix it. Make it right.”
“Honey, there are some things you can’t fix. You were with the wrong person. You just needed to find the right boy to fuck you sideways and keep you happy. That’s all.”
“That’s all, huh?” Finally, Sandy smiled.
“Yeah. So you got divorced. That’s not so bad. At least she didn’t kill herself after spending one night with you.”
Uh-oh. The silence that followed told Alex he’d picked the wrong subject to try to distract Sandy with.
“Alex? Are you going to tell me what you’re talking about?”
Scrubbing a hand through his hair, Alex covered his eyes. He shrugged. “It was back at Earthly Delights. This other boy and I -- Liam, he worked there, too -- we met and got to be sort of friends. We weren’t allowed to socialize much, so we had to sneak around, pretty much.”
“And what happened?” Up, leaning on an elbow now, Sandy placed a steadying hand on Alex’s back.
“You know. Nothing much. It was my fault. He was a good kid. Nothing that happened was his fault. You know?”
“That’s okay, Alex. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“No, it’s okay. I can talk about it. So…” Alex glanced up and was nearly undone by the compassion in Sandy’s eyes. If he kept staring into Sandy’s eyes he’d break down completely, so Alex looked away. “So, I convinced Liam to let me spend the night one night. I told him no one would find out; we’d get away with it.”
“And?”
“He killed himself the next day. Maybe he had help. I don’t know.”
“Oh, God. God, Alex. Oh, come here, honey.” Sandy gathered Alex in, holding him close with one arm around his waist, the other stroking in long, soothing sweeps up and down his back.
“Don’t worry about it. It was my fault. I should have known better. I thought we could get away with it. I thought I could outsmart them.”
“Alex. I can’t even imagine.”
“Yeah. Things got really hard after that.”
Chapter 19
Something about Alex’s body language bothered Sandy. Alex was out in the corridor, talking to Vilnius and Sandy couldn’t quite pin down what it was that bothered him. Was it the defensive hunch of his shoulders? The restless hands, maybe -- first fiddling with edges of the black vest he wore, then plunging hastily into his pants pockets? Or how about the erratic path of his glance as it bounced from Jimi’s face to various points around the room?
“—but you think it’ll be okay?”
Jimi nodded. “Yeah, sure. Sandy and Kai took out Brasov and all his guys. Really messed ‘em— Oh, hey Sandy. We were just talking about you.”
“Yeah? Who was asking and who was telling?” Although he wasn’t sure of the subject matter under discussion, Sandy had a sneaking feeling he wasn’t going to like it when he found out.
The way Alex’s face went instantly blank would have been the capper, even if Sandy wasn’t already suspicious. “Nothing. I was just asking Jimi where he got his… shoes.”
The look on Vilnius’ face registering surprise and the hesitation before the last word sealed it. Sandy schooled his own features. Alex had been through enough and the last thing he needed was anyone coming down on him.
“His shoes?”
“Yeah, he’s got some crazy thing for military boots. I told him he should check out Cal’s, ‘cause that guy knows how to dress—“
“Jimi, could I talk to Alex for a minute, please?” Adding, “Alone?” when Vilnius didn’t take the hint.
“Yeah, sure.” Vilnius had the decency to look torn. He looked back to Alex. “So, if you need help with that… thing… just let me know.”
“I will. Thanks.” Alex stood silent, watching Vilnius’ rapid retreat.
“Are you seriously asking me to believe that you went to Jimi for fashion advice?”
Still, Alex didn’t speak. He just stood there, thoughts and impulses registering in his clear blue eyes, only to remain bottled up. A half-shrug; a helpless shake of the head, and Alex ducked his head and said nothing.
It was a good thing Sandy wasn’t afraid of hard work, because being with Alex would never be anything but a whole lot of that. Sandy could curse his caretaker nature all he wanted, but being aware of his need to fix things didn’t seem to do a damn thing to change it. Sandy brushed the hair out of Alex’s eyes, rubbing his thumb over the beginnings of the beard showing through Alex’s pale skin.
Those eyes, so young-seeming and yet so full of the world’s pain. Somehow, they had reached down inside Sandy and connected in a way no one else ever had. Sandy didn’t know how, or even why. He just knew that he’d give his last breath to keep Alex safe.
“C’mere, honey.” Sandy opened his arms and, after a second’s hesitation, Alex stepped into them -- tucking his head, as he so often did, under Sandy’s chin. Sandy was gradually coming to realize that physical touch was the most powerful weapon he had when it came to fighting Alex’s self-imposed isolation and holding Alex in his arms was the next best thing to a truth serum. “What was Jimi going to help you with?”
“I heard about a new club opening up.”
Sandy steeled himself against Alex’s sad little sigh. “Yeah?”
“I thought they might be hiring bartenders.”
“Ah. Where is it?”
Alex was relaxing into Sandy’s body, melting against him so that their bodies touched from shoulder to thigh and all points in between. Meanwhile, Alex’s hands had slipped under Sandy’s shirt and had begun moving in slow, easy circles across Sandy’s back. “A couple of blocks from Nelly’s. You know where the Golden Horseshoe is?”
“Yeah. Two more blocks and you’re at The Pike. Alex, that’s crazy. What were you thinking?”
Just like it always did when Alex was this close, Sandy’s dick wanted in on the conversation. Sandy leaned back against the bulkhead, widening his stance to take Alex’s weight. When Alex tilted his head back, opened his mouth against Sandy’s throat and licked, Sandy’s whole body surged.
“I need a job, Sandy.” Alex took nibbling little bites of Sandy’s neck, while his hands flattened against Sandy’s back a second before Alex’s hips flexed against Sandy’s. “Your teammates are good guys and all, but I need something to do that brings in some credits. Otherwise, I’m just your…”
Sandy never gave his hands the command. Rather, they seemed to take their input directly from an image in Sandy’s brain, lifting Alex against him and grinding their dicks together. Alex, his hands now resting on Sandy’s shoulders, looked down at him with eyes that threatened to break Sandy’s heart; eyes that pleaded for love, even as they realized the futility of their plea.
“Alex. Oh, baby.” Lifting his chin, Sandy closed the distance between them, kissing Alex with everything he had. Sandy poured himself into the kiss, trying to show Alex how much Alex meant to him. Pressing their bodies close, Sandy licked into Alex’s mouth, a surge of heat filling him when Alex’s tongue met him half-way. Pulling back a bit, Sandy nipped at Alex’s full lower lip, slid sideways to rub his nose against the sandpaper roughness of Alex’s jaw. “Baby, you’re not ‘just’ anything. There’s so much to you. There’s no one else like you -- not even close.”
Alex’s rueful smile finished the job that his eyes had started. “Any idea what that pays?”
***
A week and a half later, Sandy was still worried. He’d thought he’d gotten Alex to agree not to try for any more service jobs, especially anything so close to The Pike, with its atmosphere of laissez faire commerce in the pursuit of entertainment. Van Aukken and Brasov might be out of the picture, but Doradus was still the back of beyond and it was just a matter of time before someone else moved in o
n the territory they’d recently vacated.
They hadn’t made any headway, though, in finding something else for Alex to do. Sandy understood that Alex, more than most people, needed something outside of himself to demonstrate his worth, if only in his own eyes. Sandy only had to watch Cal gesture at the computer he was seated in front of and turn in his seat to laugh up at Sarhaan, standing behind him observing, to know that Cal wouldn’t have had the same problem adjusting that Alex had.
Their backgrounds were completely different.
For all that he’d had to leave his home -- the planet, even -- to find his place in the world, Caleb’s privileged upbringing had given him a confidence and sense of self-worth that Alex had never had. It was only a reflection of how easily Cal now fit in with the life and friends of his ex-soldier lover, but Sandy still found himself envying the ease with which Cal ran his hands up Sarhaan’s thighs, teasing and flirting and daring Sarhaan to do something about it.
When Sandy noisily cleared his throat, both Sarhaan and Cal looked Sandy’s way, Cal still laughing. “Hey, Sandy. Looking for Alex?”
Sarhaan took advantage of Cal’s momentary change of focus to slip behind him, dragging him up and pinning Cal’s arms, then proceeding to nibble on Cal’s neck like it was just the appetizer.
Sandy was too dumbstruck to respond to Cal’s question.
How long had Sandy and Sarhaan worked together? Years. Yet, in all that time, Sandy couldn’t ever recall seeing Sarhaan so lighthearted. So downright playful.
“He and Kai took a break and went down to the Café du Monde for coffee. If you leave now you might catch them.” Sarhaan probably thought he was being subtle.
“Okay, I can take a hint.” Sandy set down the box of provisions he’d been carrying and headed for the door.
“Take your time, buddy.” Sarhaan’s advice was underscored by Cal’s throaty laugh as Sandy closed the door behind him.
When he got to the café, Sandy wasn’t sure exactly what he’d been expecting, but whatever it was, it wasn’t Alex and Kai with their heads bent attentively over a shared mini-comp.
Kai pointed at something on the screen, looking to Alex for his reaction, “But I think if we keep the overhead down by not carrying a lot of human cargo—”
“—and if you can seal that deal with the Martian mining guild—”
“Right. Then we’ll be making money both ways.”
“Exactly. So— Oh, Sandy. Hi.” It seemed to be Sandy’s morning for shock and transformations, because the change in Alex was nothing short of astonishing. The alert, energetic Alex was gone and in his place was awkward, almost diffident, Alex.
“Hi, baby.” God, what if after all they’d been through, what if he was bad for Alex? Wouldn’t that just be a kick in the head? “Kai. So what’s the business plan y’all sound like you’re hatching out here?”
Kai leaned back in his chair, glancing from Alex up to Sandy’s face. “I was going to give you crap about it, but now I don’t think you knew, either.”
Sandy trusted Kai. He trusted Alex. So why did he suddenly have a knot in his gut that said he was a chump?
“Knew what?”
“That young Alex, here, has a major brain for business.”
“I don’t, really, Sandy. He’s exaggerating.” What was with the nervousness and why did Alex suddenly look like he was afraid of being hit?
“Don’t sell yourself short, Alex. You get this stuff the way most people only do when they’ve either studied it intensely or been involved in it for years.” Kai was back upright in his chair, tapping the mini-comp and gesturing at Alex. “You’re good at this.”
“Not really. It’s no big deal.” Alex downplayed it.
Kai was determined. “It is a big deal, Alex.”
Sandy pulled up a chair, looking from Alex to Kai and back again, a smile gradually breaking over his face. Hallelujah. “Yeah? My fella’s got a body born for sin and a head made for business?”
Looking up from behind the fall of hair that had slid over his brow, Alex still looked doubtful. “You don’t mind?”
“Mind? Are you kidding?” Reaching out one hand, Sandy stroked a finger down Alex’s arm. “Guys who know their way around a business plan get me hot.”
“Do you two need to take this private?” Kai twisted in his chair, pointedly looking away, down the street.
“I don’t know how good I am at it, but I like it.” Alex glanced over at Kai, who now had his back turned to the table. “Would you mind if I learned more about it? Maybe got involved in the business?”
Sandy almost leaned in close to whisper in Alex’s ear, but thought better of it, deciding Xuwicha could stand a little payback. “That depends: can you drive a hard bargain?” He smiled at Alex, letting the heat show in his eyes. “I mean really hard.”
Grinning as Kai stood and left the table, muttering in disgust, Sandy finally gave in and stole a kiss from a flustered Alex. “Sandy!” He wished he was a better person, but Sandy adored the scandalized tone Alex got at his public displays of affection. “People are watching!”
Later, in their quarters on board the Vigilant, Sandy finally got to show Alex how he really felt. Both of them naked, his legs hooked over Alex’s shoulders and his beautiful Alex fucking him hard, Sandy was a happy man.
***
Alex was absolutely crazy about Chinese food.
They’d found a place in the business district that served up old style traditional Szechwan cooking, just like Xuwicha’s grandmother might have made. Except that Kai’s grandmother had been a member of the Te-Wu and hadn’t been able to cook to save her life. Literally.
Still, Alex was mad for the place and insisted on dragging Sandy, and anyone else he could talk into it, into eating there at least once a week. And now that the crew was getting ready to leave on their first long distance haul, leaving Alex and Kai behind to mind the store, Alex wanted a last meal with everyone present.
It would be Alex and Sandy’s first separation since getting together and Sandy wasn’t sure who was the more apprehensive.
For now, though, Alex was downing lemon chicken and the restaurant’s spiciest pork dish, all the while swapping stories with the crew and nearly putting Sandy’s eye out as he gestured wildly, kuàizi still in hand.
“Okay, so here’s this Governor General, in a dress and full Kabuki make-up,” Alex was laughing so hard at his own story, he had to stop for a moment to catch his breath. “Saying, ‘I can explain the Raggedy Andy doll and the shaving cream, but I have no idea how the sheep got in here.’”
Sandy could watch Alex all night, letting his gaze roam over the high cheekbones; the nose that looked either elegant or commonplace, depending on the angle; lips, pink and full and utterly perfect; and the eyes.
Always he came back to those eyes.
When Alex was laughing, like now, all you could see was the humor, the animation, the vibrant life in them. When he was quiet, though -- when Alex thought no one was watching -- the pain and desolation Sandy saw in them took his breath away and left an aching pain in his chest.
It was Sarhaan’s turn to entertain the group now and Alex leaned back into Sandy’s side, taking full advantage of the booth’s seating arrangement to press as much of his body as he could against Sandy. “Hey, you. You’re awfully quiet. Was I too loud? Did I embarrass you?”
“No, you weren’t too loud. And you could never embarrass me -- I love you and I’m always proud of you.”
The laughter drained out of Alex’s eyes and he stared at Sandy, a questioning look in his eyes; hand holding the water glass he’d been about to drink from suspended in mid-air.
“I’m in love with you, Alex.” Wanting there to be no misunderstanding, Sandy’d decided to say the words. He’d known for a long time, but he wanted to give Alex the certainty, since it was about the only thing he had to offer. Life out here on the frontier was uncertain. Anything could happen and Sandy wanted Alex to know, with absolute assurance, what was
in his heart.
“How…?” Alex wouldn’t finish his sentence.
For the rest of the meal, and all the way back to the ship, he barely spoke a dozen words, just hung onto Sandy like a drowning man, looking deep in thought.
Back in their quarters on the Vigilant, it was late. Sandy pulled off his shirt and began emptying his pockets onto the bedside table.
“Sandy?”
“Yeah, what?”
From a couple meters away, Alex studied Sandy intently. He took a step closer. “Did you mean what you said, before? That you…”
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