by Joan Hess
“We market it as Krazy KoKo-Nut Konfetti. It still tastes like the contents of Ollie North’s wastebasket, but it’s exceedingly low in fat and cholesterol.”
I glanced at the four offending cartons stacked along the opposite wall. “Do they contain … tinted things?”
“I really don’t care,” he said as he plunged his hand into the water and dislodged the drain stopper. He waited until the water obediently gurgled away, then grabbed various items and placed them on the counter of the island. To his credit, it was sparkly clean. Once he’d transported the last measuring cup, he took a paper from his pocket and scanned it, his lips curling downward as if he were reading the hymns to be played at his funeral. “I don’t suppose you might want to help me with this?” he said, glancing up with a nervous smile.
I felt a pang of pity for him. His father had thrown him to the wolves, in this case, Geri, and she’d wasted no time letting him know her opinion of him. He reminded me of Kevin Buchanon, who was forever cringing and simpering under Dahlia’s beady disdain, fearfully begging for a pat on the head like a mistreated puppy. Kyle was trying not to appear that way, to maintain an edge and a slim measure of control over a situation in which he had none, but he was fooling none of us.
“Sure,” I said, going into the kitchen. “It’s not like I’ve got anything else to do.”
Veritable castaways that we were, we spent an amiable hour at the island. He read out the utensils, bowls, and so on for each recipe, and I located what I could and put them in marked boxes. Skewers for Gaylene, a bundt pan for Ruby Bee, an oblong cake pan for Catherine. I felt as if I were a genial Ms. Santa stuffing stockings for the little tykes.
When we were finished, he bent down over the page and counted those items not checked off. “I’d better get on this now,” he said unhappily. “We need at least two large sacks of things, and if I don’t have them tucked away before the reception at four, she will have a fit.”
He didn’t quite manage to capitalize the “she,” but he came close. “Kyle,” I said, feeling like a gray-haired granny down from the hills, “she can’t be any older or more experienced than you. Okay, so she majored in marketing and knows the field better, but you”—I had a small problem here—“have a head start on the product. Think of all those years of growing up in a Krazy KoKo-Nut environment. She’s clearly incapable of expressing genuine enthusiasm, so it’s up to you to convey it to the media and the world. This isn’t her contest—it’s yours! She can’t make it happen without you.”
He brightened at this final bit of banality. “She really can’t, can she? I suppose I’d better follow through with this list. If my father were here, he’d pass it to a minion in the office. What the hell—it’d probably be me, anyway.”
He switched off the lights, and we walked toward the lobby. As we passed the closed door, we both heard Geri say, “But Buffy, we were roommates for two years! If you recall, I was the one who took you to the clinic and never said a word to anyone afterward. All I’m asking for is an itty-bitty photograph and a paragraph in the ‘What’s Cooking?’ column.”
Durmond was sitting in the lobby, flipping through a guidebook. His jacket hung more normally without the sling, but he winced each time he moved his arm. “Good morning,” he said as we appeared. “Have you any idea if there’s coffee available on the premises?”
Kyle snorted. “I wouldn’t count on it. I’d better get to work on the shopping list. See you at the press reception.” He went out the door, nodded to Cambria, and disappeared down the street.
“I haven’t seen any sign of coffee,” I said to Durmond. “There’s probably a place nearby, though.” I felt myself flush as he regarded me with an expectant smile, and had it been anatomically possible, would have given myself a quick kick to the fanny. “How about the automat? I used to inhale the danishes.”
“It closed a couple of years ago, I’m sorry to say.”
Feeling as if I’d learned of the death of a beloved pet, I managed a small smile and said, “Well, someplace else.”
“A lovely idea,” he said as he put the guidebook in his pocket and stood up. “Then, if you’re not busy, perhaps you might like to accompany me to the Museum of Modern Art? We could eat lunch there, or farther afield if you have any suggestions, and be back here for whatever it is Geri has in store for us.”
“I don’t know,” I said, now suspecting that my face was beet red and liable to ignite. “Ruby Bee and Estelle took off for the subway station, planning to do the entire city, and I’m afraid that—well, maybe I ought to be here in case something happens. I mean, they really have no idea—”
“I understand perfectly,” he said, sounding exactly as if he did—to my regret. “At least let’s have coffee at a nearby shop. Your mother and her friend won’t be able to bring the entire underground transportation system to its knees that quickly.”
“Probably not, and I certainly could use a cup of coffee.” We headed for the door. “Is your shoulder any better today?” I asked as he held open the door for me.
“It hurts, but not so much that I need the pain medication the hospital gave me. Certainly not so much that I can’t compete in the contest.”
“Good morning, good morning,” Cambria said, twinkling at each of us as if we’d done something remarkable by maneuvering through the door. “And where are we off to this lovely day? The park for a carriage ride, a cozy restaurant for brunch?”
“Merely a coffee shop,” Durmond said, sighing. “The young lady professes to have other plans for the day. I shall find a park bench and sit among the old men, watching the children play and flicking popcorn to the pigeons.”
Cambria gave me a stern look. “Is this true?”
Durmond was biting his lip to maintain his sorrowful expression, but his chin was trembling and his eyes patently guileless. “I fear it is.”
“We’re going for coffee,” I said to Cambria. “Is there a place nearby?”
He pointed out a restaurant on the corner and wished us a pleasant day. As we walked down the sidewalk, I heard a slightly suspicious noise from my companion, but refused to so much as glance at him until we were seated in a booth.
Once we’d ordered coffee, along with bagels and cream cheese, I gave him a level look and said, “So why did you enter the Krazy KoKo-Nut thing? The other contestants are … shall we say, more suitable for this kind of lunacy?”
“And I’m not?”
“Not from what I’ve seen thus far,” I said, then paused while the waitress from the Rambo School of Table Service banged down our order and challenged us to ask for anything else. Neither of us dared. I took a sip of coffee and resumed my oh-so-delicate inquisition. “Have you always enjoyed cooking?”
“Since my wife died, I’ve found it an amusing occupation.” I waited, and after a moment, he said, “Inoperable cancer. Grueling, but brief. I took off for the remainder of the semester, sat in my boat and stared at the gulls, and pulled myself together in time to start the spring semester.”
“What do you teach, and where?”
“Connecticut, a small liberal arts college. You wouldn’t have heard of it. I teach obscure things.” He slathered a piece of bagel with cream cheese and carefully took a bite, all the while feigning preoccupation with the process instead of the postulator.
“How obscure?” I persisted.
“Very, very, obscure. Now how about you? You’re a cop, you mentioned last night. In this little town your mother mentioned?”
I was searching for a way to explain Maggody when two figures dashed by the window, faces contorted, bags thudding wildly, a guidebook loosing a stream of papers, and one red beehive at a perilous tilt.
“That was …” I said, stunned, then put down my cup and struggled out of the booth. “I’ll catch up on the bill,” I said as I rushed past the waitress and out the door (in retrospect, I admitted this wasn’t wise; customers are shot for much less than skipping out). I caught up with Ruby Bee and Estelle as they r
eached the door of the Chadwick.
“Oh my lord,” Ruby Bee said, grabbing my arm and gaping over my shoulder, her eyes as round as I’d ever seen them. “There’s a maniac after us! We got to call the police before he gets here and kills us on the spot!”
“Ladies, ladies, calm down.” Cambria put arms around both of them. “You are safe now. I personally will see that this maniac does no harm to you.”
“He’s been aiming to kill us ever since we set foot in this place!” Estelle shrieked. Like Ruby Bee, she seemed to be anticipating an assault from the direction they’d come. “Get out your gun, Arly! I plan to die in my own bed, not in this dirty filthy place!”
I looked down the sidewalk. There were hordes of people, of course, but all of them appeared to be preoccupied with missions more mundane than murder. A few of them may have noticed the excitement in front of the hotel, but they maintained the introspective expressions of big-city pedestrians and continued around us.
“Who’s trying to kill you?” I asked.
“That maniac,” Estelle said in a slightly calmer voice. “Doncha remember? I told you about him when I called.”
“How silly of me,” I said as Durmond joined us. “So what happened a few minutes ago?”
Ruby Bee clutched her bosom, one of her more elegant and well-rehearsed gestures. “Well, first off, we went down the stairs and followed signs to where there was a nice lady in a booth. She sold us tokens, but she wasn’t real clear on which way to go to get to the place you take the boats out to visit the Statue of Liberty.”
“I had already said a number of times which train we needed,” Estelle cut in with a sniff. “I studied the map this morning while others of us dallied in the bathroom for a good hour.”
The accused bristled. “You said one time that we needed the downtown train.”
The accuser bristled back. “And I suppose one ain’t a number anymore?”
I barely restrained myself from assaulting them. Both Durmond and Cambria sagely had decided to refrain from asking questions, and they’d also shown enough sense to back away from the twosome. “One is a very good number,” I said irritably, “and I would like one of you to tell us what happened. Did this person actually approach you and make threats?”
After an exchange of dark looks, Ruby Bee shrugged and said, “Estelle decided to consult this big dirty map on the wall, and some old geezer started trying to explain how we had to change trains somewhere down where the map was so smudgy it was a disgrace. That’s when I saw him. I told Estelle to stop yammering and come through the little gate so we could get on a train. She couldn’t find her token, and by the time she remembered it was in her pocket, why—the maniac was not ten feet away.”
“How did you know he was a maniac?” Durmond asked.
“I did not get off the watermelon truck yesterday,” Ruby Bee retorted. “Anyway, we got by the track, kinda down toward the end where he couldn’t see us, and then, just as the train pulls up, there he is coming at us like a rabid skunk.”
“Then,” Estelle said, “the train doors open and all these people come spewing out like ants out of a flooded hill, and people from behind are shoving us and nearly knocking us down, and we finally get on, but there he is in the same car, grinning and licking his lips, so I scream at Ruby Bee to get off—”
“And we did,” she interrupted smoothly (they’d perfected the routine over the last thirty years). “But so did he, and we didn’t know where the exit was, so we had to climb over the little gates. The lady in the booth starts yelling at us, and Estelle has to go and spill her purse, and by the time she’s gathered up everything, this policeman shows up.”
Estelle tightened her grip on her purse. “The strap got caught, which was hardly my fault. The policeman was right friendly about it, but the maniac, who was no dummy, had disappeared.”
“I don’t think he believed us,” Ruby Bee said, winding down. “But I’d like to know something—how come you can’t ever find a policeman when you need one?”
We all mulled that one over for a minute. Durmond sighed and said, “I’m sure it’s my fault, but I don’t understand why you were so sure this … man was following you, determined to harm you? Did he say or do anything?”
“He’s been following us since we got here,” said Estelle, making it clear she didn’t appreciate being doubted for one teensy second. “I saw him leaning against the wall over there when we got out of the taxi, and yesterday morning when I went to call Arly from a pay phone on the corner up there, guess who turned up like a bad penny not five minutes later? This is the third time, and he probably thought it’d be the charm. He just didn’t realize who he was tangling with!”
Cambria lifted his bushy white eyebrows. “Isn’t it possible he simply lives in the neighborhood? That would explain his presence on the street and in the subway station. And why shouldn’t he have noticed two attractive ladies like yourselves, noticed and admired?”
Patting her hair, Estelle said, “That’s right kind of you to say so. He did sorta smile, so maybe he thought he was being friendly.” She and Ruby Bee moved away from us to evaluate this newest theory.
I glanced down the sidewalk, then nudged Durmond in the opposite direction and in a low voice said, “I’m not comfortable with the explanation. It’s possible they’ve attracted the attention of someone with less pure motives than Cambria assigns him. I’m not suggesting this man is a serial killer out to get them, but there are a lot of screwy people on the streets. However, if I try to warn them, especially now that they’ve decided the city is thick with secret admirers, I’m afraid they won’t take my advice.” I made a face at the hissing pair. “Not that they ever do.”
“Then we have no choice,” Durmond murmured. “It would be irresponsible of us to allow them to resume their day’s plans on their own. While we keep an eye out for the maniac, you and I must escort them—for their own safety, naturally.”
“Naturally,” I echoed unenthusiastically, recalling my uneasiness about venturing outside the hotel.
Durmond squeezed my arm briefly. “Then it’s settled. Come along, ladies. Let’s see if they’re serving breakfast at Tiffany’s.”
Ruby Bee and Estelle were still debating the name of the cat as we slammed shut the taxi doors and took off into the slate gray maze of Manhattan. I’d long since given up trying to convince them it didn’t have one.
CHAPTER SEVEN
It was approaching four o’clock when we returned to the Chadwick Hotel. It felt more like midnight (in the Arctic Circle, no less) to me, but I’d just spent six hours in the company of two exceptionally unimpressed tourists, who were still verbalizing disbelief that a crowded little coffee shop (and by no means spic and span) had the audacity to charge seven dollars and fifty cents for a cheeseburger—and then put the coleslaw in a paper bonbon cup. And some of those silly things at the Museum of Modern Art! Both of them had made known, loudly, that someone had sure pulled the wool over the museum folks’ eyes. Why, anyone with half a brain could see that big picture was nothing but a black square. Minimal art? About as minimal as you can get with nuthin’ more than a can of black paint! And look at that, Miss Art Expert—it ain’t anything more than a bunch of ropes curled up, and a mite sloppily at that. If we was to gather up the junk out behind Raz Buchanon’s barn and send it to these folks, they’d probably send back a generous check and a thank-you note. As for those other so-called paintings, prettier pictures were taped on Joyce Lambertino’s refrigerator, and you could tell what they were supposed to be, presuming you were charitable and remembered how old the children were.
And so on and so on, until I was no longer amused, or bemused, and was reduced to offering sullen explanations and wishing I were wearing a hood … and a noose. Even Durmond, who’d initially made an effort, had quieted down after we’d been asked to leave Tiffany’s (Ruby Bee had been determined to get Gloria Swanson’s autograph, and the woman thus identified all the way across the showroom had taken th
e accusation rather poorly).
Geri was in the lobby, the clipboard clutched in her hand and a faint frown marring her flawless brow. “Oh, good,” she said, taking attendance with a gold pen. “I can’t promise which media people will show, but there were a few who didn’t curse at me or flatly refuse. It’s shaping up nicely. The caterers are here, and the bar is set. The flowers came at noon, and …” The frown deepened just a teensy bit. “I haven’t seen Kyle all afternoon. The grocers delivered the ingredients an hour ago, but since he’d danced off with the key, I had to have the boxes left outside the kitchen. I do hope he didn’t say to hell with it and head south to join his father and dear Mr. Fleecum.”
“I saw him midmorning,” I volunteered. “He was going out to buy the utensils that were needed for the contest. He didn’t mention suntan lotion and a beach towel.” A genetic disposition to meddle in romantic endeavors made me add, “He wasn’t too happy to be treated like a combination of a scullery maid and an errand boy.”
Geri stiffened. “I was working on the media contacts, which is my area of expertise. There’s absolutely no reason to sponsor these things if coverage isn’t forthcoming, and Prodding, Polk and Fleecum does have a reputation in the field. In any case, Kyle’ll be in the spotlight tomorrow when he presents the grand prize.”
“Ten thousand dollars,” inserted Ruby Bee, much brighter now that she could dismiss the nonsense passin’ for art in Noow Yark City and focus on more important issues.
“In a manner of speaking,” Geri said uneasily. She poised her pen over the clipboard and began to murmur to herself as she perused the page. She glanced up as the door opened.
Kyle carried two bulging sacks, with a third balanced atop them. “I hope I never have to go through this again,” he said as he headed toward the kitchen. “There was a sale on crockery, and I barely escaped intact.”
“Did you get everything?”
“Every last damn thing. As much as I’d like to stand here and chat, my arms have lost all feeling.”