by Jack Kerouac
We met Eddie. Dean paid no attention to him either, and off we went in a trolley across the hot Denver noon to find the jobs. I hated the thought of it. Eddie talked and talked the way he always did. We found a man in the markets who agreed to hire both of us; work started at four o’clock in the morning and went till six P.M. The man said, “I like boys who like to work.”
“You’ve got your man,” said Eddie, but I wasn’t so sure about myself. “I just won’t sleep,” I decided. There were so many other interesting things to do.
Eddie showed up the next morning; I didn’t. I had a bed, and Major bought food for the icebox, and in exchange for that I cooked and washed the dishes. Meantime I got all involved in everything. A big party took place at the Rawlinses’ one night. The Rawlins mother was gone on a trip. Ray Rawlins called everybody he knew and told them to bring whisky; then he went through his address book for girls. He made me do most of the talking. A whole bunch of girls showed up. I phoned Carlo to find out what Dean was doing now. Dean was coming to Carlo’s at three in the morning. I went there after the party.
Carlo’s basement apartment was on Grant Street in an old red-brick rooming house near a church. You went down an alley, down some stone steps, opened an old raw door, and went through a kind of cellar till you came to his board door. It was like the room of a Russian saint: one bed, a candle burning, stone walls that oozed moisture, and a crazy makeshift ikon of some kind that he had made. He read me his poetry. It was called “Denver Doldrums.” Carlo woke up in the morning and heard the “vulgar pigeons” yakking in the street outside his cell; he saw the “sad nightingales” nodding on the branches and they reminded him of his mother. A gray shroud fell over the city. The mountains, the magnificent Rockies that you can see to the west from any part of town, were “papier-mâché.” The whole universe was crazy and cock-eyed and extremely strange. He wrote of Dean as a “child of the rainbow” who bore his torment in his agonized priapus. He referred to him as “Oedipus Eddie” who had to “scrape bubble gum off windowpanes.” He brooded in his basement over a huge journal in which he was keeping track of everything that happened every day—everything Dean did and said.
Dean came on schedule. “Everything’s straight,” he announced. “I’m going to divorce Marylou and marry Camille and go live with her in San Francisco. But this is only after you and I, dear Carlo, go to Texas, dig Old Bull Lee, that gone cat I’ve never met and both of you’ve told me so much about, and then I’ll go to San Fran.”
Then they got down to business. They sat on the bed crosslegged and looked straight at each other. I slouched in a nearby chair and saw all of it. They began with an abstract thought, discussed it; reminded each other of another abstract point forgotten in the rush of events; Dean apologized but promised he could get back to it and manage it fine, bringing up illustrations.
Carlo said, “And just as we were crossing Wazee I wanted to tell you about how I felt of your frenzy with the midgets and it was just then, remember, you pointed out that old bum with the baggy pants and said he looked just like your father?”
“Yes, yes, of course I remember; and not only that, but it started a train of my own, something real wild that I had to tell you, I’d forgotten it, now you just reminded me of it . . .” and two new points were born. They hashed these over. Then Carlo asked Dean if he was honest and specifically if he was being honest with him in the bottom of his soul.
“Why do you bring that up again?”
“There’s one last thing I want to know—”
“But, dear Sal, you’re listening, you’re sitting there, we’ll ask Sal. What would he say?”
And I said, “That last thing is what you can’t get, Carlo. Nobody can get to that last thing. We keep on living in hopes of catching it once for all.”
“No, no, no, you’re talking absolute bullshit and Wolfean romantic posh!” said Carlo.
And Dean said, “I didn’t mean that at all, but we’ll let Sal have his own mind, and in fact, don’t you think, Carlo, there’s a kind of a dignity in the way he’s sitting there and digging us, crazy cat came all the way across the country—old Sal won’t tell, old Sal won’t tell.”
“It isn’t that I won’t tell,” I protested. “I just don’t know what you’re both driving at or trying to get at. I know it’s too much for anybody.”
“Everything you say is negative.”
“Then what is it you’re trying to do?”
“Tell him.”
“No, you tell him.”
“There’s nothing to tell,” I said and laughed. I had on Carlo’s hat. I pulled it down over my eyes. “I want to sleep,” I said.
“Poor Sal always wants to sleep.” I kept quiet. They started in again. “When you borrowed that nickel to make up the check for the chicken-fried steaks—”
“No, man, the chili! Remember, the Texas Star?”
“I was mixing it with Tuesday. When you borrowed that nickel you said, now listen, you said, ‘Carlo, this is the last time I’ll impose on you,’ as if, and really, you meant that I had agreed with you about no more imposing.”
“No, no, no, I didn’t mean that—you harken back now if you will, my dear fellow, to the night Marylou was crying in the room, and when, turning to you and indicating by my extra added sincerity of tone which we both knew was contrived but had its intention, that is, by my play-acting I showed that—But wait, that isn’t it.”
“Of course that isn’t it! Because you forget that—But I’ll stop accusing you. Yes is what I said . . .” And on, on into the night they talked like this. At dawn I looked up. They were tying up the last of the morning’s matters. “When I said to you that I had to sleep because of Marylou, that is, seeing her this morning at ten, I didn’t bring my peremptory tone to bear in regard to what you’d just said about the unnecessariness of sleep but only, only, mind you, because of the fact that I absolutely, simply, purely and without any whatevers have to sleep now, I mean, man, my eyes are closing, they’re redhot, sore, tired, beat . . .”
“Ah, child,” said Carlo.
“We’ll just have to sleep now. Let’s stop the machine.”
“You can’t stop the machine!” yelled Carlo at the top of his voice. The first birds sang.
“Now, when I raise my hand,” said Dean, “we’ll stop talking, we’ll both understand purely and without any hassle that we are simply stopping talking, and we’ll just sleep.”
“You can’t stop the machine like that.”
“Stop the machine,” I said. They looked at me.
“He’s been awake all this time, listening. What were you thinking, Sal?” I told them that I was thinking they were very amazing maniacs and that I had spent the whole night listening to them like a man watching the mechanism of a watch that reached clear to the top of Berthoud Pass and yet was made with the smallest works of the most delicate watch in the world. They smiled. I pointed my finger at them and said, “If you keep this up you’ll both go crazy, but let me know what happens as you go along.”
I walked out and took a trolley to my apartment, and Carlo Marx’s papier-mâçhé mountains grew red as the great sun rose from the eastward plains.
9
In the evening I was involved in that trek to the mountains and didn’t see Dean or Carlo for five days. Babe Rawlins had the use of her employer’s car for the weekend. We brought suits and hung them on the car windows and took off for Central City, Ray Rawlins driving, Tim Gray lounging in the back, and Babe up front. It was my first view of the interior of the Rockies. Central City is an old mining town that was once called the Richest Square Mile in the World, where a veritable shelf of silver had been found by the old buzzards who roamed the hills. They grew wealthy overnight and had a beautiful little opera house built in the midst of their shacks on the steep slope. Lillian Russell had come there, and opera stars from Europe. Then Central City became a ghost town, till the energetic Chamber of Commerce types of the new West decided to revive the place. They p
olished up the opera house, and every summer stars from the Metropolitan came out and performed. It was a big vacation for everybody. Tourists came from everywhere, even Hollywood stars. We drove up the mountain and found the narrow streets chock full of chichi tourists. I thought of Major’s Sam, and Major was right. Major himself was there, turning on his big social smile to everybody and ooh-ing and aah-ing most sincerely over everything. “Sal,” he cried, clutching my arm, “just look at this old town. Think how it was a hundred—what the hell, only eighty, sixty years ago; they had opera!”
“Yeah,” I said, imitating one of his characters, “but they’re here.”
“The bastards,” he cursed. But he went off to enjoy himself, Betty Gray on his arm.
Babe Rawlins was an enterprising blonde. She knew of an old miner’s house at the edge of town where we boys could sleep for the weekend; all we had to do was clean it out. We could also throw vast parties there. It was an old shack of a thing covered with an inch of dust inside; it had a porch and a well in back. Tim Gray and Ray Rawlins rolled up their sleeves and started in cleaning it, a major job that took them all afternoon and part of the night. But they had a bucket of beerbottles and everything was fine.
As for me, I was scheduled to be a guest at the opera that afternoon, escorting Babe on my arm. I wore a suit of Tim’s. Only a few days ago I’d come into Denver like a bum; now I was all racked up sharp in a suit, with a beautiful well-dressed blonde on my arm, bowing to dignitaries and chatting in the lobby under chandeliers. I wondered what Mississippi Gene would say if he could see me.
The opera was Fidelio. “What gloom!” cried the baritone, rising out of the dungeon under a groaning stone. I cried for it. That’s how I see life too. I was so interested in the opera that for a while I forgot the circumstances of my crazy life and got lost in the great mournful sounds of Beethoven and the rich Rembrandt tones of his story.
“Well, Sal, how did you like the production for this year?” asked Denver D. Doll proudly in the street outside. He was connected with the opera association.
“What gloom, what gloom,” I said. “It’s absolutely great.”
“The next thing you’ll have to do is meet the members of the cast,” he went on in his official tones, but luckily he forgot this in the rush of other things, and vanished.
Babe and I went back to the miner’s shack. I took off my duds and joined the boys in the cleaning. It was an enormous job. Roland Major sat in the middle of the front room that had already been cleaned and refused to help. On a little table in front of him he had his bottle of beer and his glass. As we rushed around with buckets of water and brooms he reminisced. “Ah, if you could just come with me sometime and drink Cinzano and hear the musicians of Bandol, then you’d be living. Then there’s Normandy in the summers, the sabots, the fine old Calvados. Come on, Sam,” he said to his invisible pal. “Take the wine out of the water and let’s see if it got cold enough while we fished.” Straight out of Hemingway, it was.
We called out to girls who went by in the street. “Come on help us clean up the joint. Everybody’s invited to our party tonight.” They joined us. We had a huge crew working for us. Finally the singers in the opera chorus, mostly young kids, came over and pitched in. The sun went down.
Our day’s work over, Tim, Rawlins, and I decided to sharp up for the big night. We went across town to the rooming house where the opera stars were living. Across the night we heard the beginning of the evening performance. “Just right,” said Rawlins. “Latch on to some of these razors and towels and we’ll spruce up a bit.” We also took hairbrushes, colognes, shaving lotions, and went laden into the bathroom. We all took baths and sang. “Isn’t this great?” Tim Gray kept saying. “Using the opera stars’ bathroom and towels and shaving lotion and electric razors.”
It was a wonderful night. Central City is two miles high; at first you get drunk on the altitude, then you get tired, and there’s a fever in your soul. We approached the lights around the opera house down the narrow dark street; then we took a sharp right and hit some old saloons with swinging doors. Most of the tourists were in the opera. We started off with a few extra-size beers. There was a player piano. Beyond the back door was a view of mountainsides in the moonlight. I let out a yahoo. The night was on.
We hurried back to our miner’s shack. Everything was in preparation for the big party. The girls, Babe and Betty, cooked up a snack of beans and franks, and then we danced and started on the beer for fair. The opera over, great crowds of young girls came piling into our place. Rawlins and Tim and I licked our lips. We grabbed them and danced. There was no music, just dancing. The place filled up. People began to bring bottles. We rushed out to hit the bars and rushed back. The night was getting more and more frantic. I wished Dean and Carlo were there—then I realized they’d be out of place and unhappy. They were like the man with the dungeon stone and the gloom, rising from the underground, the sordid hipsters of America, a new beat generation that I was slowly joining.
The boys from the chorus showed up. They began singing “Sweet Adeline.” They also sang phrases such as “Pass me the beer” and “What are you doing with your face hanging out?” and great long baritone howls of “Fi-de-lio!” “Ah me, what gloom!” I sang. The girls were terrific. They went out in the backyard and necked with us. There were beds in the other rooms, the uncleaned dusty ones, and I had a girl sitting on one and was talking with her when suddenly there was a great inrush of young ushers from the opera, who just grabbed girls and kissed them without proper come-ons. Teenagers, drunk, disheveled, excited—they ruined our party. Inside of five minutes every single girl was gone and a great big fraternity-type party got under way with banging of beerbottles and roars.
Ray and Tim and I decided to hit the bars. Major was gone, Babe and Betty were gone. We tottered into the night. The opera crowd was jamming the bars from bar to wall. Major was shouting above heads. The eager, bespectacled Denver D. Doll was shaking hands with everybody and saying, “Good afternoon, how are you?” and when midnight came he was saying, “Good afternoon, how are you?” At one point I saw him going off somewhere with a dignitary. Then he came back with a middle-aged woman; next minute he was talking to a couple of young ushers in the street. The next minute he was shaking my hand without recognizing me and saying, “Happy New Year, m’boy.” He wasn’t drunk on liquor, just drunk on what he liked—crowds of people milling. Everybody knew him. “Happy New Year,” he called, and sometimes “Merry Christmas.” He said this all the time. At Christmas he said Happy Halloween.
There was a tenor in the bar who was highly respected by everyone; Denver Doll had insisted that I meet him and I was trying to avoid it; his name was D’Annunzio or some such thing. His wife was with him. They sat sourly at a table. There was also some kind of Argentinian tourist at the bar. Rawlins gave him a shove to make room; he turned and snarled. Rawlins handed me his glass and knocked him down on the brass rail with one punch. The man was momentarily out. There were screams; Tim and I scooted Rawlins out. There was so much confusion the sheriff couldn’t even thread his way through the crowd to find the victim. Nobody could identify Rawlins. We went to other bars. Major staggered up a dark street. “What the hell’s the matter? Any fights? Just call on me.” Great laughter rang from all sides. I wondered what the Spirit of the Mountain was thinking, and looked up and saw jackpines in the moon, and saw ghosts of old miners, and wondered about it. In the whole eastern dark wall of the Divide this night there was silence and the whisper of the wind, except in the ravine where we roared; and on the other side of the Divide was the great Western Slope, and the big plateau that went to Steamboat Springs, and dropped, and led you to the western Colorado desert and the Utah desert; all in darkness now as we fumed and screamed in our mountain nook, mad drunken Americans in the mighty land. We were on the roof of America and all we could do was yell, I guess—across the night, eastward over the Plains, where somewhere an old man with white hair was probably walking toward u
s with the Word, and would arrive any minute and make us silent.
Rawlins insisted on going back to the bar where he’d fought. Tim and I didn’t like it but stuck to him. He went up to D’Annunzio, the tenor, and threw a highball in his face. We dragged him out. A baritone singer from the chorus joined us and we went to a regular Central City bar. Here Ray called the waitress a whore. A group of sullen men were ranged along the bar; they hated tourists. One of them said, “You boys better be out of here by the count of ten.” We were. We staggered back to the shack and went to sleep.
In the morning I woke up and turned over; a big cloud of dust rose from the mattress. I yanked at the window; it was nailed. Tim Gray was in the bed too. We coughed and sneezed. Our breakfast consisted of stale beer. Babe came back from her hotel and we got our things together to leave.
Everything seemed to be collapsing. As we were going out to the car Babe slipped and fell flat on her face. Poor girl was overwrought. Her brother and Tim and I helped her up. We got in the car; Major and Betty joined us. The sad ride back to Denver began.
Suddenly we came down from the mountain and overlooked the great sea-plain of Denver; heat rose as from an oven. We began to sing songs. I was itching to get on to San Francisco.
10
That night I found Carlo and to my amazement he told me he’d been in Central City with Dean.
“What did you do?”
“Oh, we ran around the bars and then Dean stole a car and we drove back down the mountain curves ninety miles an hour.”
“I didn’t see you.”
“We didn’t know you were there.”
“Well, man, I’m going to San Francisco.”
“Dean has Rita lined up for you tonight.”
“Well, then, I’ll put it off.” I had no money. I sent my aunt an airmail letter asking her for fifty dollars and said it would be the last money I’d ask; after that she would be getting money back from me, as soon as I got that ship.