by Narro, B. T.
“You think?” Effie challenged.
He scratched his head. “It’s difficult to tell because I don’t remember a lot. I’ve already taken it.”
Effie was confused. Steffen usually remembered everything.
Reela seemed intrigued, though, a wry smile upon her lips. “All right, Steffen what did you make for us?”
Effie stood. “I don’t want to know.”
“It’s supposed to help you,” Steffen argued.
“It always is.” She started to leave.
“Really, this one is different, Effie. Please!”
The desperation in Steffen’s tone came as a shock. He was usually as mellow as a cat sitting beneath a sunbeam. Perhaps there was something different about this potion. She sat again just to appease him.
She was also somewhat curious, she soon admitted to herself.
“What’s the paper for?”
“I’ll explain in a moment. First let me tell you about the potion.” He cleared his throat as he often did before delving into a serious subject. “I know how much pain you’ve been in since we lost Alex.” The mood of the table changed; Reela’s smile shifted to a frown. Effie thought about leaving again, but she told herself to be brave. This conversation might hurt, but she could endure it. “I’ve come up with something that can help.”
“Help?” She couldn’t help but laugh snidely. “Unless it’s a way to bring him back from the dead, I don’t see how any potion can help.”
“It can help, Effie. It will allow you to forget him.”
“Forget him?”
“Yes. Completely.”
“Steffen!” Reela scolded, her face red. “How can you even suggest that?”
He seemed surprised by her anger. “I don’t mean to offend. I just thought Effie and you would like to have the option.”
“And me?” Reela pressed her hand against her chest. “Are you going to offer it to everyone who misses Alex until it’s like he never existed?”
Steffen calmly replied, “I thought you might want it for the brother you lost.”
Reela gasped. “My bastial stars, you’re mad. No one would want to forget someone so close to them.”
Effie hadn’t given herself time to think about it yet, though she found it surprising that Reela was so quick to hate such an invention.
Steffen seemed confused as he spoke gently. “If we don’t remember someone, then we can’t feel any pain at losing them.”
He has a point.
“And we can feel no joy at remembering them,” Reela added coldly. “Or comfort, or love, or anything. Our memories are the most important thing we have. Without them, we’re just living moment to moment. There’s no purpose to life—to anything. We’d have no legacy if we forgot everything. We wouldn’t even know our own family! Memories make us human, the good and the bad. We can’t choose which ones we want to remember just because they bring us pain. That’s changing the past. It’s delusional!”
Effie gestured for Reela to calm down. “I’m not thinking about taking it, but I am curious. Steffen, you said you tested it on yourself already?”
“Yes, after ensuring it didn’t harm rats, I wanted to test it on myself before offering it to either of you. It’s safe…at least I think it is. I didn’t feel very well this morning, but I’m fine now.”
“When did you take it?”
“Last night. It put me to sleep soon after I took it, as it should do to you.”
Reela looked horrified. “So you’ve forgotten Alex?”
“No, someone else.” He looked guilty. “I think we were very close to each other.”
“Marratrice?” Effie guessed.
“No, I still remember her. I couldn’t choose her because of reasons I’ll explain later, but I wouldn’t want to forget her anyway.” His mouth twisted as he looked down at one of the blank pieces of paper. “Though I’m not sure I really wanted to forget the person I chose, either. I think I did it for other reasons.”
“Who did you forget?” Effie asked.
“Gabby Elegin.”
“My sister?” Effie screamed. Reela gasped. The psychic’s reaction confirmed this wasn’t some joke done in poor taste.
Steffen started to speak but then closed his mouth and let out his breath. “Perhaps this was a bad idea.”
Reela shook her head at him. “Steffen, it really was.”
“I don’t remember much of my reasoning. But I do remember that I needed to choose someone who had a strong connection with me, in the same way that you and Alex had a connection, Effie. I didn’t want to choose either of you because that would make our current situation too chaotic and confusing.”
Effie rolled her eyes. “I’m at least glad you didn’t do that. But Gabby? Are you really telling me you don’t remember her?”
“I’m trying to remember right now, but only the name sounds familiar.”
Effie could feel rage building. Her sister was going to be devastated. “You truly have no memories of spending any time with her?” Steffen shook his head. “You don’t remember speaking with her even once?” Again, he shook his head. “Touching her? Kissing her? Loving her?” Effie’s voice rose higher and louder, but he just shook his head sadly. “You must remember sharing a bed with her!”
“Sorry, I don’t. But I do know that I love her and I have done all those things.”
“How do you know, if you can’t remember?” Reela asked, her voice laden with judgment.
He slid forward one of the papers. “I wrote myself a letter.”
Neither Effie nor Reela flipped it over. Whatever he’d written didn’t matter. Gritting her teeth, Effie wanted to rip it up just to spite him.
“Why would you choose her? This is going to kill Gabby. You know how much she loves you. At least you did at one point.” He opened his mouth, but she continued before he could come up with some excuse. “You’re such a selfish idiot sometimes. You get so caught up in your new potions that you don’t realize what they’re doing to other people. And now you’ve done something you can’t undo, but you don’t even feel guilty because you don’t remember! You’ve broken her heart just to test a potion, Steffen. Why would you do this?”
He looked as if he was holding back tears. Effie felt a moment of guilt. Perhaps she’d gone too far.
No, he was the one who’d gone too far.
“I’m really sorry if this was a mistake, but I can’t remember what I was thinking, so I’m unable to argue my case. All I have is what I wrote before I took the potion. Please read it.”
Reela flipped over the paper, and Effie couldn’t help but read it.
“Steffen, you have forgotten a beautiful young woman named Gabby Elegin. She’s Effie’s younger sister by two and a half years, but more importantly, you love her. You are probably confused, so allow me to explain. As I write this, I have feelings about Gabby that sometimes seem impossible to overcome. I have a great fear that I will never see her again, or that if I do, it’ll only be a glimpse of her dead body. She’s defiant, which is one of the things you like about her, but, as you know, people like her are usually the first killed in a war like this. This thought sometimes prevents me from sleeping, eating, or doing anything that I normally enjoy.
There’s immeasurable suffering just from this fear of losing her, yet Effie has already lost Alex. They shared the same connection that you do with Gabby. It might even have been stronger. By testing the potion on yourself, and using Gabby as the subject to forget, it will prove to Effie that no harm will come to her if she decides to take it for Alex. She can see how the potion has affected you and decide if she wants to use it for herself. If you chose to forget someone who you didn’t love, the results couldn’t be as trusted as they are now. You’ve done this somewhat for yourself, but mostly for Effie. Make sure to offer Reela the potion as well, although something tells me she’s not as likely to take it.
When you see Gabby again, apologize and give her the letter sitting beside this one. You want to
be back with her. You can trust me because I am you.
Lastly, remember to document everything for Jack Rose.”
Effie hardly knew what to think, though she felt tears welling in her eyes. He’d done this for her. Steffen had seen how much she’d been suffering and had invented a potion because it was the only way he knew how to help.
She set down the paper and took a deep breath as she thought. But then Steffen flipped over the second sheet and she gasped to see an incredibly detailed drawing of Alex. It had been a while since Effie had last seen Steffen draw anything, and she’d forgotten how talented he was. Alex’s trimmed beard and curly hair looked so real it was as if she could feel it with her fingers when she rubbed her hand across. His eyes almost shined, they looked so alive.
She had to push the paper away, for she had begun to weep and didn’t want to ruin it with her tears.
“I’m sorry if I’ve upset you,” Steffen said, “but it seems that I had your best interest at heart.”
She stood and wiped her eyes, trying to regain control of herself. Holding back her tears for the moment, she leaned down and hugged Steffen and managed to kiss him on the cheek before her lips began to tremble.
“I’m sorry…about what I said to you,” she choked out. “You’re not selfish. But my poor sister still will be heartbroken when she—”
“I have another note to myself. It’s pages long and describes Gabby in great detail. It was written as a way for me to win her heart again. I will love her once more, Effie. Apparently, I promised myself before I took the potion.”
Effie barely held back her tears, unsure why she was this emotional. It wasn’t quite sadness that wet her eyes, but it certainly wasn’t joy either. She felt sensitive and frail, as if about to break.
Then she realized what it was. She did want to forget Alex so she no longer had to suffer, and this broke her. She sat and wept heavily, with Reela soon coming over to hold her.
No one spoke for a while, and eventually Effie regained control.
“Until you love Gabby again,” she told Steffen, “she won’t be able to stop crying.”
“I believe some memories will come back eventually, but it might take time. They’ll probably need to be triggered by being around her. Your memories of Alex might never be triggered again.”
“Eff, don’t take that potion.” Reela put both her hands on Effie’s arm as if to prevent her from reaching for it. “You don’t want to forget him.”
“But he’s gone.”
“He is, but you still have your memories.”
“All of them are painful.”
Reela took hold of Effie’s hands. “They won’t be later. I know from experience. I now cherish all the time I got to spend with Rek. Those memories are more valuable than gold.”
“But I wouldn’t care if the memories were gone, because I’d have forgotten them. Don’t you see?”
Effie couldn’t tell if it was frustration or sadness that made Reela look as if she was about to cry. “Everything dies eventually,” the psychic said. She bit down on her lip to stifle a sob. “Like my brother, but our experiences together can never be taken away. What’s the point of life if we forget everything that causes us pain? We don’t grow—we don’t get stronger.”
But Effie was certain now. She wanted to forget Alex. “You’re making me feel so guilty about this, Reela. Can’t you tell I’ve already made up my mind?” She wiped the tears falling down her cheeks, but more came right after. “I don’t want to live like this anymore now that I have the choice to forget. He’s gone and never coming back. There’s no point in continuing to hurt.”
“There is! You can’t live a good life without good people in it, and some of those people will die before you. Are you going to forget everyone that you were ever close with? If I die in this war, will you forget me?” Reela’s voice rose so high in pitch as she cried that it became difficult to understand her. “I don’t want you…to forget me, and Alex wouldn’t want you…to forget him.” She took a moment to breathe and dab her eyes with her blouse. “You don’t want to forget all the nights you spent together, the feeling of his arms around you, his lips against yours. You can’t possibly want to forget that.”
But the memories would bring her pain for the rest of her life. “I’m not like you, Reela. I do want to forget.” The guilt was too much, almost stifling her words completely as she wept. “I don’t want to talk about the decision any longer. Steffen, how does it work?”
His face had become red, his eyes bleary. He gave them a compulsory wipe with his sleeve. “It contains two ingredients, the amnessa plant and the caregelow flower. Amnessa on its own is a poison.” He looked down and away as if ashamed. “Jack and I have been growing it and have used it in another potion that you will not take. We mix it with lamwin leaves to amplify its effect. It might be useful for the war.” He sounded as if he felt guilty.
“It’s fine, Steffen,” she said. “We understand. Go on.”
“Anyway, in this potion,” he pointed at the black substance, “the caregelow works as a cure against the amnessa, reducing the effect of the poison to only target what you’re focusing on. Until it puts you to sleep, concentrate on the person you wish to forget.”
He put the tips of his fingers on his drawing of Alex. “You should take this with you to Alex’s bedroom in his house, but first write a note for yourself containing everything you want to remember along with where you are and how to get home. It’s likely you’ll forget most of today, including this entire conversation.”
“So I just look at this drawing and think of him until I fall asleep?”
“Yes, it should only take minutes. You might feel some pain in your head and have trouble focusing as it goes on, but that’s normal. When you wake up, the picture and your letter will be completely unfamiliar, and his room might be as well.” Steffen looked down the hall. “I regret doing it in my room. I had a system of where everything belongs, but most of it is unfamiliar to me now. Make sure nothing else is around you that you don’t want to forget.”
Effie reached for the potion, but Reela got her hand on it first. “Eff, at least give yourself a day to think about it.”
With some shame, she admitted, “I’ve already wondered what it would be like if I’d never met Alex. I decided it would be better. I want this.”
Reela put her hands over her face and sighed. Effie placed her hand on her friend’s back. “We can’t regret what we’ve forgotten. I’ll be happier because of this.”
Reela stood and shook her head. “Fine, I give up. If you’re going to do this, then I’ll try to support you. I’ll go with you and sleep there, so you’ll see me when you wake up. But I still think it’s wrong. ”
Steffen shot out of his chair. “She might forget you if you’re there.”
“I’ll wait out of the room until she’s asleep. Someone should be there with her. What if Alex’s roommate comes home while she’s asleep? It’s better this way.”
“Thank you,” Effie said.
“I’m sure Alex’s roommate must miss him.” Steffen reached into his bag and pulled out an identical vial. “If he wants the potion as well—”
“No, Steffen,” Reela said. “Don’t offer it to anyone else. The only reason I’ve stopped arguing is because I can tell Effie won’t change her mind. I still don’t think it’s right what you’ve created. Jack Rose must agree with me, doesn’t he?”
“Well, he doesn’t actually know about this potion. But yes, I think he would try to stop Effie.”
“It doesn’t matter.” She took the vial from the table.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Effie awoke in a room she didn’t recognize. The bed was just like every other bed in the Academy, but it was unfamiliar. How did I get here? Someone rustled in the bed beside her, an arm draped over her. Bastial hell, did I drink too much and lay with someone? But then she saw it was Reela, who woke with a startle.
“You’re awake!” Reela exclaimed. “Y
ou must be confused. What’s the last thing you remember?”
Effie sat up, but a sudden pain in her head made her lie back down with a groan. “Don’t know. Hurts to think.”
Reela placed her hand on Effie’s cheek and the pain went away. Her mind remained foggy, though, as she tried to remember what she’d done yesterday. She’d gone to battle training, then to the dining hall for dinner, but she didn’t remember what she ate or who was there. She had absolutely no memory of anything that happened after that. She explained this to Reela.
“What about Alarex Baom?”
“Who is that?”
Reela seemed disappointed by her answer. “Does the name sound familiar to you?”
“Yes, but I don’t know who it is.”
“Alex Baom?” Reela tried. Effie shook her head. “A tall and handsome warrior with dark hair. He’s not familiar?”
Effie began to panic. “Am I sick?”
“No, you’re fine. I think it’s time for you to read something.” Reela climbed over Effie to get off the bed, then retrieved a paper from the desk of whoever’s room they were in. She handed it to Effie.
“Effie, I am you from yesterday, before you forgot.”
“What the bastial hell is this?”
“You took one of Steffen’s potions—”
“Why would I do that?”
Reela pointed to the paper. “Read it.”
Somewhat frightened now, Effie looked at the paper more closely. It was certainly her handwriting. “You were an idiot and fell in love with a warrior at the Academy named Alarex Baom. Most people called him Alex. He died and you were miserable every day. Steffen made a potion that allows us to forget someone. He was stupid and tested it on himself to forget Gabby because he wanted to make sure it was safe before offering it to you. We were mad at him but not anymore, trust me. He did this for us.
I know this sounds crazy, but you were more miserable than you’ve ever been before. Every time you thought of Alex, you would have to stifle the urge to cry. I know how much you hate crying, because I’m you. The feeling weakened us. Now it’s gone. Be happy.”