by Angel Cole
She began to question if she was going through postpartum depression or if this was just a delayed case of post-traumatic stress disorder. It did not make sense that it would occur so many years later, though; she knew that Anthony had experienced PTSD right after he returned home from the military, not years later.
Soon she stopped sleeping, and her milk production was no longer enough to sustain her baby. Consequently, Mia had to go on the bottle, which, made Carmen feel even more useless and guilty. She refused to make love with her husband for fear of getting pregnant again. Although she had the implant inserted in her arm after Mia's delivery and the chances of her getting pregnant were next to zero.
When she had gone an entire two days refusing to leave her bedroom, going without food and water and no desire to see her children, Carmen realized she needed help and agreed to get professional advice.
CHAPTER 12
Carmen woke, feeling more optimistic than she had for a long time. From a glance out of the open window, she could tell that it was early evening, the sun had already set, and the moon was beginning to rise in the night sky.
She could hear her mother's voice speaking to her children from the kitchen. "No, no puedes tener eso. ¿Quieres ayudar a la abuela a cocinar? Okay, mantenlo así Lydia." 'No, you can't have that. Do you want to help grandma cook? Okay, hold it like this Lydia.'
It had been two months since she started receiving professional help for her depression, and she could finally say that things were getting better. She could not believe she had missed all her baby's little moments when she was drowning in the haze of her depression, but she was ready to be a mother again. To be the mother, her children deserved. She had had no choice but to give up on any attempt at breastfeeding once she had gone on medications, but Anthony had stepped in, the perfect father, and Mia was thriving beautifully. Her mother was also instrumental in keeping some normalcy for the children. Theresa Vasquez had moved in living between her home and Carmen's and helping to run the store to keep the income coming in for the entire family. She had learned a lot through the years co-managing at times with Carmen and learning the ropes so that Carmen could have time to herself and with her family when needed. Carmen's sisters also pitched in when they could, although they were both busy with their growing careers, but anything for Carmen and the wellbeing of the family.
The healing was a slow process. She began to engage with family again and, with the help of the medication she’d been prescribed, she had developed an appetite. She had started to eat regular meals, in small portions during the day. She did not always finish the food, and sometimes she would find herself skipping a few meals, but she was improving. She attempted to start working at the store a few hours a day. Both she and Anthony felt everything in moderation as to not overwhelm her recovery.
As she started getting better, Carmen realized that she had dropped out of parenthood and out of life. She did not want to be that woman anymore. She wanted to be happy, with her life and have fewer regrets if possible. As she lay in her bed that evening, she vowed to try her hardest to keep getting better. She was startled out of her thoughts at the sound of the opening of the bedroom door. She turned her head and watched as her husband quietly slipped in, wary of disturbing her sleep. He shut the door gently behind him and turned to enter the room.
A look of surprise filled his features when he saw Carmen's eyes on his, and she shrugged her shoulders in resignation as if to say 'this is me, imperfect me, take me as I am' and gave him a small, hesitant smile which only served to deepen his surprise. He walked into the room without saying a word, eyes lingering on his wife as he went to the bassinet on his side of the bed where their baby lay. He bent over and gently lifted her out, cradling her to his body while Carmen watched silently
"It's time for her feeding," he said by way of explanation when they continued to stare at each other in silence.
Carmen hesitated for only a second before sitting up and reaching out tentatively. "Would you mind if I fed her tonight?" she asked him. During her depression and while going through treatment, Anthony had formed a strong bond with their youngest child, and Carmen respected that. Anthony held Mia closer to his chest and approached Carmen on the bed. He settled down on the mattress beside her and put his arm around Carmen's shoulder, pulling her to him. Carmen shut her eyes and leaned into her husband, who had been a pillar of strength for the entire family. She looked down at their baby in his arms and breathed deeply, appreciating the moment. It was the first real bonding moment that had occurred between the three of them since Mia was born.
Anthony felt a tightness in his chest as he held his wife and child in his arms. It had been so long since Carmen had allowed him to touch her and he was going to savor the moment while he had it. He felt her touch on his shoulder and looked down at her. She pushed her fingers through his greying mop of hair and gave him a weak smile.
"She's so beautiful," Carmen whispered to him, and he nodded in agreement.
"She is," he replied.
"Te amo, Anthony," she whispered to him, all her heart and feelings for him in those three words.
She reached out to touch her child, and Anthony instinctively held Mia more firmly to his chest in a protective gesture. He was happy that he was getting his Carmen back, but he was still wary, and Carmen could see that wariness and protectiveness reflected in his eyes.
He gave her an intense questioning look, and Carmen knew his thoughts before he asked. "Are you sure you are ready?"
Carmen couldn't be angry at his reaction to her request because she understood his concerns. She had remembered she shared the same fears for Will's safety with Dani when she had just given birth to him. She loved Anthony more for protecting their daughter, even if that meant he had to protect her from her mother.
"I am okay," Carmen assured him, nodding. "I'm more ready than you know to be a mother to my child."
She looked deeply into Anthony's eyes and waited. After a few moments, he loosened his hold on the baby and gently handed Mia to her mother. Carmen looked at him with deep respect, grateful she had chosen wisely all those years ago.
"Thank you," she said to him earnestly, and he nodded.
"I'll go and get her bottle," he said, knowing that Carmen may not be ready to face the rest of the family yet. He stood up and silently exited the room, leaving Carmen alone with their child.
Mia looked up at her mother with half-closed eyes, heavy with sleep, and Carmen's heart surged with the desire to protect this child from everything wrong in the world. She took in everything about her daughter and committed it all to memory, her eyelashes, her hands, and feet, counting her toes, the softness of her skin, her unique baby scent, falling in love with her child all over again.
"Nunca te abandonaré de nuevo." 'I will never abandon you again,' she promised Mia in a whisper just as Anthony stepped back into the room. Anthony caught the softly spoken vow, his own Spanish good enough to understand her words, as tears welled in his eyes. He quickly wiped them away before his wife could see how much her words had affected him, and not wanting to intrude on this pivotal moment between mother and child.
Clearing his throat as an announcement of his return, he approached his family and sat in silence, handing his wife the baby's bottle. Carmen put the bottle to Mia's lips, and the little girl drank her whole meal, burped lightly and slowly drifted back to sleep. Carmen got up, and reluctantly placed her baby back in her bassinet. She turned back to Anthony once she was sure Mia was okay and saw that he was now on his feet, watching her with intensity. She walked up to him and lifted a hand, lightly tracing his jawline with her fingertips. "I missed you," she admitted quietly.
His shoulders were unconsciously tense as he was not sure what to expect from his wife, but they relaxed a fraction at her words. She leaned forward and rested her forehead against his chest, taking slow deep breaths, placing his hands around her small waist and breathing in time with her. Carmen took in all her husbands' scent and
warmth and enjoyed the feeling of being held by him again after so long.
Anthony held himself back, patiently waiting for Carmen to make the next gesture which would dictate his responses to her. He had been waiting two long months for her to come back to him, and he was willing to wait if she needed more time.
Carmen stood on tiptoe and raised her face tentatively, touching her lips to his in a lingering kiss, not much more than just a brush of lips, trying to familiarize herself to the feel of him. Gaining confidence, she pushed forward, deepening the kiss as she felt the first stirrings of longing in her loins, causing her to move desperately in his arms, pressing closer to him and fitting her curves against the hard lines of his body.
Anthony hadn't realized how thin Carmen had become- she had not been this small since she was in high school. His heart went out to his wife as her suffering was more evident, but he also respected and admired her strength.
He lowered her body onto the bed, and they reached for each other eagerly, hastily pulling at each other's clothes in their mounting need and urgency. He pushed her gown over her hips and slipped his fingers between her body and her panties, pulling them down her thighs while Carmen lifted her hips to assist him in his efforts. He parted her legs with his thigh, reaching for her as he had done countless times before, skillfully and efficiently stroking her, bringing her to orgasm, preparing his wife's body for his penetration. Carmen muffled her cry of release into his shoulder, gently biting the skin, then kissing over the mark she'd left there. She had missed him so much and had not even known it. Anthony pushed himself away from her, and Carmen moaned in protest, but their eyes remained locked on each other. She watched as he stood and quickly finished undressing. She caressed him with her eyes, appreciating his body, remembering the first time she'd seem him undress in the storeroom all those years ago. He looked nothing like that younger, cocky, gangly male. His body was now fuller and defined, his demeanor sexy and confident. Anthony, in turn, admired the beauty of her pale skin in the moonlight. She looked like an alabaster statue to him- her body a landscape of angles and planes with small, white, barely visible stretch marks that were an indication that she had borne his children. She was even more stunning to him today than ever before.
He made love to his wife with a newfound appreciation for the woman who lay beneath him. His partner. His gift.
He did not know what he had done to deserve such a captivating woman to call his wife and partner, and their three exceptional children, but he was eternally grateful. He had never had a family of his own, and the one he now had was beyond his wildest expectations. That night, they peacefully slept in each other's arms. It was the first night since Mia's birth that all three children slept the entire night through. They were truly blessed.
CHAPTER 13
"Mom," Carmen whined to her mother. "It is my turn to host the Girlz meeting, and I have no idea what to do!"
Carmen and Theresa Vasquez were at the liquor store where her mother was helping Carmen take inventory as all three of the kids were with them, and she had needed the extra help.
Mia, who was now a toddler, was standing in her playpen, quietly watching her mother and grandmother work. Mia was always fascinated by things going on around her and would stand and watch everything with a quiet intensity until she lost interest. Mia still found a way to entertain herself when the adults were busy. Carmen often wondered if her baby girl had acquired that trait because Carmen had not bonded with her in her first few months. Mia had become self-sufficient out of necessity. Carmen sighed internally. Just another thing for her to feel guilty over.
Anthony Jr. and Lydia were sitting on the floor between the shelves playing with their toys. Those two were the best of friends, thick as thieves. They never needed anyone else if they had each other, and Carmen was grateful for it. One of the benefits of having children who were so close in age was that they would have each other as playmates.
"Mom," Carmen whined again after her mother had not replied to her initial complaint. "Please, give me ideas. What can I do?"
"No se, mija," her mom said, not looking up from the book in her hand where she was noting the inventory. "What kind of theme do you want to go for? Where do you want to go? You can't go too far, though, because of your babies," she added as an afterthought. "Tres bebés pequeños un poco mucho para mí en estos días" 'Three small babies are a little much for me these days.'
"Yo se, mama," Carmen replied in exasperation. 'I know, mama.'
"Y Anthony debe trabajar. Entonces, necesita estar cerca," Theresa continued, as though Carmen had not spoken at all. 'And Anthony must work. So, it needs to be close by.'
"Okay, mama, I get the hint," Carmen sighed. "I will keep it close by and simple."
Carmen thought on it for days, wondering what she could plan that would be simple yet meaningful for her and her girls.
She was having a conversation over the phone with Dani who was batting around ideas with her. Dani sighed in frustration,“I wish Sherry’s mom were here, she was always so good at planning things like this,” sadly Dani added,“I haven’t seen her in years, in fact. I wonder how she is doing.”
“Dani!” Carmen jumped from her chair, where she was seated behind the stores’ counter. “You’re brilliant!” Carmen yelled into the phone. “I gotta go hon! Talk soon, love you.” Carmen hung up the phone before Dani could say a word.
For Carmen, Dani’s musing sparked a brilliant idea for the Girlz Meeting.
Dani looked at the now silent phone in her hands, “Um, yes, well glad to help. Anytime, that’s what friend are for. Well see ya! Talk soon.” Dani finished sarcastically to the now dead phone line.
Carmen had had a flash of inspiration in that moment and, a few weeks later, they were on a boat trip to Catalina Island for four days. Carmen invited her mother along, Dani came with her mother in law who she adored, and even Sherry came with her mother. In order to make the trip more special, they all brought their kids along as well. Three generations of family were present, and it was more of a family vacation; their first one together.
When they arrived on the island, they saw that Carmen had booked a beautiful cottage for them to stay in for the next four days with enough room for all the women and the kids too. She had made detailed plans with the island tour company for them to participate in various excursions and sight-seeing trips for the duration of their stay and everybody was very excited.
The night of their first stay, the moms agreed to watch the kids so that the girls could have their meeting, bond and catch up with each other. Theresa had led the other moms and kids out for an evening by the seaside, leaving the cottage to Carmen and the other women.
“It is so nice to be together like this again,” Nicki exclaimed excitedly, smiling round at her friends as they sat on beach chairs on the wrap around patio in front of the cottage.
“You really did a great job with this trip, Carmen,” Sherry smiled at her friend and Carmen beamed back at her.
"I'm so glad you came, Sherry." Carmen extended her hand to Sherry, and Sherry clasped her friends’ hand tightly.
"I wouldn't have missed this trip for anything." Sherry murmured lying back on one of the lounge chairs, repositioning her body, and closing her eyes in relaxation.
“Okay, ladies!” Dani’s loud voice came from inside the cottage. A few moments later, she was emerging from the house with a bottle of champagne in one hand and four champagne flutes held upside down by their stems in her other hand. “Who’s ready to get tipsy and spill their guts to their best girlfriends!”
The ladies all laughed as Dani took a seat on the last beach chair and handed out the glasses, then opened up the champagne and filled each of their glasses.
They chatted lightly between themselves and sipped on their champagne for a while before Carmen set her glass down and cleared her throat.
“So,” she started, and the other three girls turned their full attention on her. “I am thinking of getting my mast
er’s degree,” she told them. “And,” she continued before any of them could say anything yet, “I am planning on moving from volunteering in the city council to actually running for office in the finance department.”
Without hesitation and with immediate acceptance, the women began to seriously discuss a plan to make Carmen's goals a reality.
“You would need to run a campaign for that,” Sherry was the first to speak. “Isn’t that going to be expensive?”
“Yes,” Carmen admitted. “There will be some costs, but Anthony and I are working on that. We are working on a five-year plan from this year. I will start by trying to get the interest of the neighborhood people that we have known for our entire lives. After that, Anthony and I will look for contributors like close friends with connections and lots of clout.” At that, she turned to look pointedly at her friends, especially at Dani who let out a surprised giggle.
“You know you’ve got my support, girl,” Dani assured her. “But I don’t live in the area so you know I can’t vote for you.”
“None of us do, actually,” Sherry pointed out.
"That should not be too much of a problem as we can contribute in other ways. Legal advice from one friend," Nicki nodded towards Sherry, "Marketing and advertising from moi," Nicki placed her hand on her chest, and gave a cheeky smile while batting her eyelashes rapidly, "and deep pockets and modeling services from Mrs. Jackson!" Nicki tilted her hand towards Dani as if she were showcasing a product for sale, Dani stood up and posed and curtsied accordingly. "You sure do dream big, don't you, lady," she said to Carmen, smiling.