I stuck out the night with the nurses waking me up every hour like they do. When Dr. Harris came in the next morning, my temperature was down, and I had plenty of fluids in me to keep from getting dehydrated for a while. I still couldn’t pee, and I was already feeling the bloating that Dr. Harris said I would get from retaining fluids. He gave me the prescription for antibiotics and let me go home. I had an appointment the next day with the transplant doctor, and one after that with the nurse who ran the dialysis unit. It would be a busy week, but there were a few things I had to take care of first.
I went back to the room, and Megan got there not long after. She was surprised to see me.
“Hey. Brock told us you had to go help your Grandma.”
I looked up at her and that was it, just a look.
“Oh, Molly. You’re sick again, aren’t you?”
I nodded. I hadn’t really cried yet, and I was afraid if I tried to speak I would start. Megan came over and sat on the bed next to me.
“Tell me what’s going on.”
I opened my mouth to try, and all that came out was a croak, and then the dam opened up and the tears came out like a flood. Megan hugged me and let me soak her T-shirt with tears and mascara. She was an amazing friend. I knew for a fact that she was wearing a new blouse. It had been stupid of me to put the make-up on, I know. But I had planned to go talk to Brock, and even though I was breaking up with him I had wanted to look good. That thought triggered more tears, and Megan, God bless her, just let me cry for a really long time. When I was finally able to stop, she got me some tissue and came and sat next to me once more.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“Stop it. You haven’t got anything to apologize for. The world needs to apologize to you, I think. When you’re ready, I’d like to know what’s going on.”
I finally told her…everything. When I finished she was looking at me like she didn’t believe it, or she didn’t want to. She hugged me again and as I felt her body shake I realized that she was crying now too. When she sat back up she wiped her face and said, “I’m sorry.”
I gave her the same look and lecture she gave me. Only hers included the fact that she was the best BFF in the world, and I was so damned lucky to have her.
She finally asked the question of the hour, “What about Brock?”
“I don’t want him to know, Meg…please.”
“Molly, you two have gotten so close. How is he not going to know?”
“I’m going to break up with him,” I told her.
“Molly…” she said.
“Hear me out Meggs, please,” I told her that my chances of dying were high and how unfair that would be to him. I told her everything I’d been thinking for the past twelve hours or so. When I finished she said, “I wish you would change your mind. But…I won’t tell him, or Jake. Just promise me you’ll at least think about it, Molly. He’s really into you. Breaking up with him alone is going to hurt him.”
“I know,” I told her, “but not as much as watching me as I wither away, and then having to attend my funeral would.” My mind was made up, and short of Dr. Harris calling and saying he made a mistake; I was breaking up with the best thing that ever happened to me today.
I called Grandma while Meg was in the shower. I told her honestly what Dr. Harris had said. She of course said I should have called her last night, and then said, “I’m on my way.”
“No, Gran. I’m fine today. I will let you know as soon as they schedule the surgery, I promise.” She was quiet on the other end. She didn’t like it, but she finally agreed, telling me that if I ended up back in the hospital and didn’t call her, she was going to kick my butt. She even threatened to call Debbie. I believed that she was serious.
Lastly, I called Brock.
“Hi good-looking,” he said. “Are you back?”
“Yeah, I’m back,” I said. “I was wondering if we could talk.”
“Absolutely!” he said with so much enthusiasm I almost started crying again. “Do you want me to come there, or come get you and bring you over here?” he asked.
“No, Megan’s going to bring me and pick Jake up,” I told him. “She said to tell him to get ready.” She heard Brock repeat that to Jake, and then a few minutes later he said, “He wants to know what he’s getting ready for.”
I laughed. Thank you, Jake for always amusing me. “Tell him she didn’t say, and she’s in the shower. So, if he knows what’s good for him, he’ll just put some decent clothes on and be ready when she gets there.”
Brock laughed too and repeated what I said to Jake. Then he said, “I can’t wait to see you.”
That did it the tears took on a life of their own again. I said, “Me too” and hung up as quickly as I could, before he figured it out.
When Meg finished in the shower I cleaned my face up again, this time taking all the make-up off. It was pointless. I was sure I wasn’t finished crying.
She dropped me off at the apartment. She gave me a hug and said, “Think about it, Molly, please. I know he would want to be there for you.” I knew that too, and as amazing as that made him, didn’t she see that was the problem?
She must have texted Jake, because as I was going up he was coming down. “Hey Molly,” he said with his big Jake grin.
“Hi Jake,” I said. “I’m sorry to kick you out of your apartment. It will only be for a little while,” I told him.
“It’s cool,” he said. “Brock’s all excited to see you.” Damn it, I felt the pressure in my chest trying to make the tears come again.
“Thanks,” I told him and ran the rest of the way up. Brock was waiting for me at the door. I didn’t think it was weird anymore. Before I could speak, he took me in his arms and hugged me. Then he kissed me and for a minute I allowed myself to get lost in the softness of his lips and the hunger of his touch.
“I missed you,” he said. “Is that weird?” I smiled at him.
“No, it’s not weird,” I told him, honestly.
“I’m making dinner,” he said. There was that enthusiasm again.
“I don’t think I can stay, Brock,” I said. “Can you sit for a minute?” Now he looked a little worried. I hated seeing worry in his eyes. That was why I needed to do this. He didn’t need to be worried about me all the time. He sat down, and I sat across from him.
“What’s wrong, Molly? Is your Grandma okay?”
“She’s fine,” I told him, and then smiling, I said, “It’s nice that you care though.”
He reached for my hand, I thought about pulling it back, but I wanted to feel him, at least just this last time. He squeezed it and said, “I care about everything about you, Molly.”
I squeezed his back. “Thank you, Brock,” I said. “That means a lot. But I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, and I think I’ve made a terrible mistake.”
He looked confused, “A mistake?” he said.
“Yes, I should have stuck to my guns, Brock. I should have stayed strong and not given in to lust the last two nights.”
“Lust? That’s what you think that was? Molly, I…” I stopped him there. I was afraid he was going to say…It. If he did, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get up and walk out of here.
“You know what I mean, Brock. It was amazing, and you were the perfect man for my first time. But I should have resisted because nothing has really changed as far as me not wanting to be in a relationship.” Now he looked like I had just kicked him in the gut.
“What? I don’t understand…I thought we were….together.”
“Brock, I never said that. We never talked about that. We had sex, and it was great, but we both know that sex does not make a relationship.”
“It was more than that, Molly, so much more. When we were walking in the park under the stars, I know you felt it Molly. I know you wanted to be with me as much as I do with you…I thought…I thought you were ready,” he said. I could see the wheels turning in his head now. God, I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. Then
he looked at me accusingly with those baby blue eyes and he said, “You said you were ready Molly.”
“I was, for the fun and the sex.”
I hated calling it that. In my mind it was making love and any time in whatever future I have left that I think about it, that’s what it would be called. But for now, I had to make him believe I was a cold fish. I needed him to want to walk away. “I’m still not ready for a relationship. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have let things go so far.”
He processed that for a while. He even got up and walked over to the window and looked out, and then paced for a while. Finally he said, “Okay, we can go back to friends…for now.” Dear God why can’t he just say ugly things to me and call me names? It would be so much easier.
“No, Brock,” I said. “That would be too hard. You can’t go back, only forward. I should have stopped it before it went this far, and I’m sorry that I didn’t.” It was so hard to keep my voice from cracking and giving away how I really felt.
“I’m not sorry Molly,” he said. “Nothing could ever make me sorry about the time I have been blessed to spend with you. But, I think you’re just scared, and that’s okay. We can take it as slow as you like….”
“No!” I said, standing up. “No, Brock. You need to be with someone who knows what they want. You should be with someone like that girl Tammy. She really likes you.” You could be Ken to her Barbie.
“Okay now I know you lost your mind. Did you talk to Tammy?”
“Yeah, I ran into her at the coffee house the other day. She’s…nice. She told me that she still cares for you…a lot. She thinks you two belong together. What if she’s right and you miss your opportunity following me around?”
“Molly, I don’t want anything to do with that girl. She’s not really right in the head, but most of all…she’s not you. You’re the only one I want. I’ll wait for you to be ready. I don’t care how long, Molly. I’ll wait.”
I headed towards the door as he was talking.
“I don’t want you to wait, Brock. I don’t know when I’ll be ready, if ever.” I reached for the door and he said my name again. That time, I heard his voice crack. If I look at those blue eyes and they have tears in them that I put there….I squared my shoulders, opened the door and walked out. I left him standing there, hurt and shocked. I felt like pond scum as I walked back to my dorm.
Twenty-Four
Brock
I can’t believe that she just came in here and broke up with me and walked away like that. I had spent the past twenty-four hours planning our life together, and it was over that quickly. I’m an idiot. I shouldn’t have let myself fall for her. I’d never done it before, and I hadn’t lacked for women in my life. I don’t know why Molly should have been any different.
I went over and opened the door. I was telling myself all of this and at the same time, thinking about going after her. My head was pounding. It hurt like it used to when I first got sick. But it wasn’t the tumor this time; it was my brain trying so hard to process all of this. I thought things were good. No, I thought things were great. I thought she was falling for me too…I closed the door. She was already gone, and she obviously didn’t want me to come after her. I had made a big fool of myself already, begging her to stay and telling her I’ll wait for her. I didn’t know what else to say though, it was the truth.
What was all of that stuff about Tammy? I had to wonder because it almost seemed like she was trying to convince me that I had choices. I know that I have choices. She knows that I think enough of myself to know I have choices. I don’t want choices…I want Molly. I felt like that eight year old kid again, the one whose mother was moving across the world. I wanted to have a fit and make her stay. Only Molly wasn’t moving across the world, and in a way, that would be worse. I would still have to see her…and then what? Pretend like I didn’t know her? Make polite but stilted conversation? For the first time in my life I had allowed myself to look into the future. I was getting better…my meds were working, I finally felt like I was beating the big “C” word, and right then I had met the most wonderful girl in the world. At the risk of sounding like Jake, I had met my soulmate.
Something happened between the time she left here yesterday morning and now. Was it just too much time to think, or something else? Maybe it was about her being sick. She hadn’t wanted me to know to begin with, but once I found out, there was nothing left to hide. Was there? Is she sicker than she let on? Should I go find her and ask? If she loved me though and that was the case, wouldn’t she want me by her side?
I felt so damned helpless and stupid at the same time. I don’t think I was wrong about her though. I stood there, dumped and still believing that she cared about me, and that she wanted to be with me. I was turning into Tammy now. Maybe I should stalk her.
I sat down on the couch and thought about the past twenty-four hours. She had gone to see her grandma. I wish I had her number, maybe that was the key. Maybe she told Grandma that we had slept together, and Grandma was upset. Maybe she was breaking up with me out of some kind of shame, or regret.
Grandma might be the key, but the one who would know for sure what was going on and what I should do about it…would be Megan. I got up and went to find my phone. I dialed Megan’s number…and Jake answered.
“Hey man, where’s Meg?” I asked him.
“She’s here we’re having an early dinner. What’s up?” he said.
“Can I talk to her?” I said. Why the hell didn’t she answer her own phone?
“She really doesn’t want to talk right now…” I could tell Jake didn’t know what was going on. Megan was avoiding me and he had no idea why.
“Jake, hand her the phone. Please.” I heard them exchange a few tense words. I felt bad because I knew she was going to be mad at Jake, but right now I didn’t care. She finally got on the phone and I said, “Megan, please don’t lie to me. Tell me what is going on with Molly.”
“What do you mean?” she said. God, she was a terrible actress.
“Megan, please…” I was almost in tears. “Please come and talk to me.”
I must have sounded pathetic, because she sighed and said, “Okay, Brock. We’ll be there soon.”
I hung up, and while I still had the phone in my hand I called Molly. I knew it was a desperate move, but I couldn’t stop myself. It went straight to voice mail. I didn’t leave a message…I didn’t know what to say.
True to her word, Megan and Jake were there in twenty minutes. Megan must have already told Jake that he didn’t want to be around for this because he said, “I’m going to get some studying done at the library.” He grabbed his backpack and kissed Megan and said, “Just call me when you’re done.” Then he looked at me with something akin to pity in his eyes and said, “See you in a bit, man.” I just nodded at him. Jake’s a good friend.
Megan sat down and so did I, and then I said, “Please tell me what is going on with Molly.”
“What did she tell you?” Megan asked me.
“She said that she was breaking up with me because she doesn’t want a boyfriend. I don’t believe that though Megan. Things were…beautiful. They were perfect. It doesn’t make any sense.”
Megan looked like she was thinking about what she was supposed to tell me, and comparing it to what she wanted to tell me. Finally she said, “Brock, you know how much I like you, and how much I love Molly. But even though Jake and I spent all that time trying to push you guys together, this is between you and her now. She did tell you from the beginning that she didn’t want a relationship. Maybe we all should have left her alone.”
“You don’t mean that, Megan. You saw how happy she was with me lately. She was only worried about the cancer at first right? She thought that I would walk out on her the way that her slime-ball ex did. I would never do that though, and I think she knows that.”
Megan looked at me then with tears in her eyes. I could tell she was trying to hold them back, and I knew that there was a lot more to this sto
ry.
“Leave it alone, Brock. Please.”
I stood up. I had all of this nervous energy that I didn’t know what to do with. I had to do something. I couldn’t just let the best thing that had ever come my way walk out of my life.
“I’m not going to leave it alone, Meg. I’ll go find Molly; I’ll turn into a stalker if I have to until she tells me what’s really going on.”
One of the tears in her eyes escaped and rolled down her cheek. I felt bad, but I knew she was coming around, so I was happy at the same time.
“She asked me not to tell you, Brock. She made me promise. I’ve never broken a promise to her. She’s my best friend, she’s like my sister.”
“I know that, Megan. That’s why I called you. I know you want her to be happy, and I know you would have never set her up with me if you didn’t think I could make her that way. Whatever you tell me, I swear to you that I won’t use it to hurt her. I won’t use it at all, unless it’s somehow to help. Megan, I love her. I’m in love with Molly.” I didn’t want Megan to be the first to know that, but Molly wouldn’t let me say it earlier. I might never get the chance to say it to her. Someone had to know.
She was crying now, and I knew that she wanted to tell me. I waited her out, and finally she said, “She’s sick, Brock.”
I sat back down.
“Sick like, she has cancer? Because I already know. I have it too, did Jake tell you that?”
She looked at me strangely, like she didn’t know. Man we were a damned good bunch of secret keepers that was for sure.
“She’s sicker, Brock,” she said at last. “Her last kidney is not working any more. They’re going to take it out.”
I felt like someone had just reached down my throat and ripped out my guts. My stomach was burning and the pounding in my head reached maximum force and volume.
Dirty Maverick (The Maxwell Family) Page 67