I opened up the floodgates and pretty much told Agnes everything, letting my emotions do most of the talking. I told her that Quinn had recognized me when I rescued him the first night of my assignment and how Peter had yet to find an explanation for this unexpected connection between Quinn and me. I told her that he’d been talking to me when he suspected he was not alone in his apartment … how he had revealed things about who I was when I was alive. I told Agnes about the second time Quinn had seen me, how I had let my guard down after healing him a second time, how maybe I had wanted him to see me. And, I told her about how I had avoided any contact or communication with him ever since.
Then I told Agnes about Ashley and how awful it was to see her with Quinn … to watch her seducing him. My skin crawled as I relived the evening in my head.
I confessed that deep down, I wanted to be the one to caress Quinn’s face and trace its contours with my fingers. I wanted to be the one to tousle his hair … to brush my body up against his and kiss his lips. I told her it wasn’t just my physical attraction towards him that had gotten the best of me, but it was him—his random acts of kindness and his reactions to and feelings towards his family. And I told Agnes I couldn’t help but feel as though there was something so hauntingly familiar about Quinn.
I admitted that I knew my feelings were irrational and ridiculous. I knew that allowing myself to entertain these notions was nothing but self-destructive. I knew that Quinn and I could never be together.
“Still,” I conceded, “knowing all of this—knowing that I can’t be with Quinn, knowing that he wants to be with someone else, knowing that I’m now forced to sit back and watch him be with her—it doesn’t change anything. I still want to be Quinn’s Shepherd. I want to protect him—and not just because it’s my job to keep him safe, but because I want to be near him … close to him. I’m like a moth to a flame. Pathetic, isn’t it?” I sighed.
“Agnes,” I continued, before she could answer my question, “what if I’m already too close? What if I’ve crossed the line? What if … what if I’m falling for him?”
“Did you ever think that maybe this isn’t the first time?” Agnes asked.
“First time for what?” I asked, thoroughly confused.
“The first time you’ve had feelings for this young man,” Agnes clarified.
“What are you saying?” I stammered, my eyes wide in astonishment.
“Did you ever stop to consider that maybe you already fell in love with Quinn once before while you were alive?” Agnes asked. “Have you ever considered that you aren’t falling for him so much as you are reawakening the feelings you once harbored for him?”
I shifted my gaze towards the ocean while I tried to make sense of what Agnes was saying. Waves of excitement, hope, self-doubt, and anxiety were pounding my mind like the waves of the ocean crashing into the black, sandy shore.
“Eve, this is a delicate matter,” Agnes explained. “Shepherds have been known to fall in love with their charges in the past—even without having a past mortal connection. You, on the other hand, apparently do have a history with Quinn. Even though you have no memory of him, your soul and your spirit obviously still do.
“It seems to me, Eve,” she continued, “that your situation is further complicated by the fact that you were paired with a human who also possessed strong feelings for you before you died. And despite the fact that your life ended, fate somehow saw fit to draw you two together again—a consequence of which led you to rekindle your feelings for each other. There are rare cases where soul mates actually find each other in the afterlife; their souls survive death to be together for eternity.
“If Quinn and you are soul mates,” Agnes went on, “well then, quite frankly, I’m not sure you could have avoided revealing yourself to him no matter how hard you tried. Indeed, knowing the Three Sisters—knowing Aurelia—I’m surprised you’ve been able to avoid him for this long.” Agnes paused to chuckle softly. “If you two aren’t destined to be together, if this is not a case of true love, then I don’t know what is. And, let me tell you, I’ve seen a lot in my five-hundred-and-some-odd years.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I asked, completely distraught. My mind was spinning a million miles an hour. Did she think this information made things easier for me? Did she want me to get in trouble? “Do … do you want me to break the Rules?”
“No, of course not, my child,” Agnes said in a reassuring voice. “I’m just saying that in life and in death things are often unpredictable. With that uncertainty comes untraveled roads, unforeseen choices … and inevitable exceptions.” She looked me in the eyes with raised eyebrows.
“Eve, I’m telling you that we all make mistakes—even Shepherds. But if the reasons underlying such mistakes are pure and true, then such mistakes can be forgiven.” She paused for a moment before continuing.
“Take love for instance—there is nothing more pure and true than love.” Agnes was staring intently into my eyes, trying to convey something through them that she couldn’t—or wouldn’t—admit verbally.
“Are you saying that it’s okay for me to break the Rules if I truly love Quinn? That I will be forgiven?” I asked incredulously.
“No, my child, I am not saying that,” Agnes clarified. “Truthfully, I don’t know what will happen if you ignore or deliberately defy the Rules. And I cannot condone what you have done. In fact, if I were your mentor, I would counsel you to be very careful and to watch yourself. If I were your mentor, I would advise you to focus on your job and to refrain from having any additional contact with Quinn.
“But I am not your mentor.” Agnes grinned. “So I can offer you a slightly different perspective. Hypothetically speaking, of course, should a Shepherd fall in love with a human and bend the Rules a bit for the sole purpose of furthering such a true love, that Shepherd may be forgiven his or her transgressions … Peter was.” She paused again, waiting for me to process her words.
That’s right. Peter had fallen in love with a human and the Council had forgiven him. Did Agnes really know a way for Quinn and me to be together?
I looked at Agnes inquisitively. Why was she was telling me this? Why would she encourage me to bend, or possibly even break, the Rules? Particularly when the first time we met, she had hinted that Peter liked me. I searched her eyes for something disingenuous, but I could neither see nor feel anything but the sincerest of intentions.
“But I don’t really need to be telling you any of this, do I?” she asked. “I suspect your mind was made up before you came here this evening. You’re going to fight for him. You’ve already decided to test the Rules.”
“If you really believe that, then why are you telling me all of this?” I asked. And, honestly, I had yet to decide what I was going to do.
“I’m a sucker for a good love story—always have been.” Agnes flashed a big smile.
“But what about Peter?” I asked suspiciously.
“What about him?” She turned the question right back at me.
“Well, I thought … I mean … I’ve been told that Peter … that I’m …” I couldn’t find the right words. Thankfully, Agnes quickly put me out of my misery.
“Peter is a big boy. He’s fully capable of picking and choosing the battles he wants to fight. And when he does, he surely doesn’t need any assistance from the likes of me.” She chuckled.
“Eve, before you return to your knight in shining armor with high hopes, I do feel the need to warn you of something. Should you choose to pursue Quinn, the path you will no doubt find yourself on will be a long and difficult one. You will constantly be forced to walk a thin line between love and passion. You need to realize that acts of love and acts of passion, while often related, are not the same thing. To have any fighting chance of success, you will have to find a way to separate the two and act only out of love.
“I … I’m not sure I understand you. What do you mean by acting only out of love?” I asked, confused.
“Oh my!”
Agnes laughed out loud. “You really are quite young, aren’t you? Such a sweet child.” She took both my hands in hers.
“Love is the truest and purest form of emotion that anyone can experience. Passion is also pure, but not purely emotional. Passion is the result of the human response to raw desire and sensuality. Love comes from the heart, but the root of passion comes from here.” She made a circular motion with her hand over the lower part of her torso, from her belly to her loins.
“Love and passion can evoke the most intense feelings a human can experience,” Agnes continued. “For us, these feelings can be overwhelming and extreme. As with our senses, our feelings are much more heightened and acute than any human’s, making us particularly vulnerable to them. We have to be careful not to overindulge in our feelings for they can consume and, ultimately, betray us if we let them.
“Eve, as a Shepherd, it is crucial that you learn to identify and rein in whatever feelings you are experiencing at any given moment, especially feelings stemming from love or passion. Confusing the two, or losing control of yourself when experiencing such strong emotions or feelings, will signal the beginning of the end for you and Quinn.”
“How do I control my feelings?” I asked, concerned. “How do I know which feeling is which?”
“It’s not an easy task,” Agnes responded. “And it’s different for each individual involved. All I can tell you is that love and passion are often linked, but they are not inevitably intertwined. It is possible to feel one without the other—even romantically. And you must find a way to do that, Eve. You must find a way to recognize and isolate when you are feeling a moment of love and when you are feeling a moment of passion.
“Acting out of the love you feel towards another can mark the truest of all selfless and altruistic intentions,” she explained. “On the other hand, acting out of passion often marks one’s desire to satisfy one’s own selfish and hedonistic pleasures … In other words, Eve, acting out of love is arguably justifiable; acting out of passion is not.”
“Acting out of love is arguably justifiable, while acting out of passion is not,” I repeated out loud, memorizing Agnes’s words, etching them into my mind.
“Eve, I also feel it would be unfair of me to let you embark on this journey without letting you also know that there will be consequences if the Council determines that your actions, even if done out of true love for Quinn, are inexcusable. And believe me when I tell you, there are some things worse than death.” A haunted expression crossed her face.
“Like what?” I asked uneasily.
“Just be careful, my child. Always keep in mind that the sum of your morals, your values, and your choices in life tipped the scale in favor of your soul being brought up to us to become a Shepherd. But your soul is still alive, and your future actions can tip the scales again. Angels have been known to fall … and so have we.”
Angels have been known to fall… and so have we, I repeated silently. Her words sent chills running down my spine.
21. The Big Reveal
It was about a half-hour before sunrise by the time I returned to Quinn’s loft, and I knew his alarm would be going off soon. I walked into his bedroom and ever so carefully sat on the edge of his bed for a moment. My mind was buzzing. Was I falling for Quinn? Or was Agnes right? Had I already fallen in love with him once while I was alive? Did I dare entertain the idea that maybe we could be together? Did I dare fantasize about telling him who, or better yet, what, I was?
The questions themselves were enough to make me feel hopeful. Any optimism I felt, however, was tempered as it neared time for Quinn to go to work. I was sure Ashley was waiting for him. I pictured the two of them at dinner the night before; I remembered Quinn offering her a rain check. My stomach turned over.
If I did go through with this, if I did pursue Quinn, I suspected Ashley was not the type of girl who would quietly step aside for another to take her place. I would have to figure out some way to overcome this obstacle—but, thankfully, not today.
Ashley had to go to Los Angeles to consult with a client on a last-minute project and would be gone for at least a week. Relief washed over me. Maybe Aurelia did have her hand in this after all. With Ashley temporarily out of the picture, I was able to relax a little. There was no reason to jump the gun; there was no pressure for me to do anything rash. I could take my time and consider what Agnes had said. I could carefully weigh all the pros and cons before making my decision.
For the next couple of days, I maintained the status quo. I still kept my distance from Quinn. I didn’t attempt to reach out to him in any way. Unfortunately, he didn’t try to reach out to me either.
* * *
An electrical storm blew through Chicago just after eleven that Sunday evening. I could feel the static energy in the air; lightning, thunder, and rain were unleashed on the city with such a vengeance that it amazed even me. It was like the heavens themselves had opened their floodgates over this tiny little piece of Earth. Still invisible, I walked over to Quinn’s bedroom windows to get a better view of the storm passing over the city.
Although asleep, Quinn was tossing and turning in his bed, and I assumed it was because of the storm. A streak of lightning blazed across the sky just above Quinn’s building, followed closely by a loud crash of thunder. The booming noise woke him up. He flung his covers to one side, threw his legs over the edge of his bed, and sat there for a minute rubbing his eyes. Caught off guard, I froze, too afraid to move.
Quinn stood up, but rather than walk out into the hallway to the bathroom as I had expected, he walked right over to his bedroom windows. I tried to jump out of his way, but it was too late; Quinn passed right through me, leaving me tingling from head to toe. It was an indescribable feeling. It was as if he had reached out and touched my soul.
He stopped dead in his tracks. He sucked in his breath and closed his eyes.
Could he feel me too? I couldn’t imagine any way he possibly could. I was in my ethereal state, I reminded myself. There was nothing tangible about me. But then Teddy’s words repeated themselves in my head: “We can’t ever be wholly invisible to everyone.”
“Evie?” he asked cautiously.
Not again. I remained motionless.
“Evie?” He took a step backwards, reaching out with his hands, waving them slowly in the air. This time I managed to slide out of the way and avoid him just in the knick of time. I still didn’t answer him. I wasn’t sure I was ready to at this point.
Quinn walked out of his bedroom into the hallway, and I followed him. He turned on the lights and looked around. When he didn’t see me, he leaned his forehead against the wall opposite him in the hallway, hitting the plaster with his fist. Then he turned around and leaned back against the same wall before sliding down the length of it into a crouching position with his head in his hands.
“Evie, if you’re here … please let me see you,” Quinn begged. “I want to see you. I need to see you.” He waited a moment to see if I would appear, but I didn’t.
“Evie, please don’t do this to me. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I can’t focus. I can’t relax. Just help me out here. Give me something … some sign to let me know that I’m not losing it … that this whole thing … that you … weren’t just some crazy hallucination.” He paused again, waiting to see if I would answer his plea, but I couldn’t—not yet.
“I keep going over it in my mind again and again,” Quinn continued. “That night I was mugged … and that night I healed so quickly … And I keep seeing you standing in my room … in this hallway. I keep thinking about you … hearing your voice in my head. And now … now it’s like I literally just … felt you.” He looked up at the ceiling. I could see he was growing more and more frustrated.
“Look, I just want to know what’s happening. I just want to know if you’re real. I just need to know.” He paused again, waiting for some response. When I still didn’t answer, he shook his head.
“How can you be real?” he asked bit
terly. “You’re gone.” He stood up hastily and ran his fingers through his hair. “Face it, Quinny, it’s finally happened—you’re losing your mind. You’re officially going nuts.”
Since becoming Quinn’s Shepherd, I had committed to memory every detail of his beautiful face. I had memorized every expression, but I’d never seen him look like this. I had never seen him so distraught and upset. I wanted to go over to him and let him know that he didn’t have to torture himself like this anymore … that I was real. I wanted to show Quinn that I was real. There was a stirring in the pit of my stomach—the warm embers deep inside of me began to smolder.
I didn’t know what came over me, but I began toying with the idea of doing something extremely stupid. This was the Pandora’s Box Peter had warned me about, and I knew I was on the verge of blowing the lid right off of it.
Could I really trust Quinn with my secret? What if he couldn’t handle the truth about me? I thought about Peter and Madeleine and how the truth had ripped them apart. What if Quinn didn’t even want me in the same way I wanted him? I thought about Ashley … and how Quinn looked at her.
I refused to allow myself to dwell on these questions for fear that I would lose my nerve. I sat down in the wingback chair I had come to call my own and materialized. I took a deep breath as every hair on my body stood on end, as every part of me tingled with both fear and excitement.
“I’m over here,” I said out loud.
Quinn snapped his head up and looked at me.
“Evie,” he whispered breathlessly. He practically leaped across the room to where I was sitting, like he was afraid I would disappear before he could get a closer look at me. He kneeled down in front of the chair, inches away from me, and stared at me. How easily I could get lost in his eyes; they were like the night sky just after dusk. Quinn didn’t try to touch me, and I was thankful for that.
“Oh my God, it’s you,” he whispered. “It’s really you. You’re here. You came back. When you left Bloomington that day … you know, the day of the car accident … I had this feeling I’d never see you again. And then—”
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