Inquiries concerning rights should be addressed to Vincent Delaney, [email protected].
Vincent Delaney
Vincent Delaney’s plays have been produced and developed at the Guthrie Theater, Actors Theatre of Louisville, TACT, Seattle Rep, ACT, Alabama Shakespeare Festival, Florida Stage, InterAct, the Children’s Theatre Company, the Magic, Woolly Mammoth, Pittsburgh Public, New Century Theatre Company, the Lark, and Orlando Shakespeare Festival, among others. Awards include a McKnight fellowship, a Jerome commission, the Heideman, a Bush fellowship, the Virtual Theatre Project New Play Award, and the Nathan Miller Award. He is a core alumnus of the Playwrights Center and a proud member of the Seattle Rep Writers Group. Delaney’s plays are published by Smith and Kraus, Samuel French, Heinemann, Dramatics Magazine, Theatre Forum, and Playscripts.com.
• • • Production History • • •
The Request was recorded for podcast in October 2011, before a live audience at West of Lenin Theatre, Seattle. It was produced by the Sandbox Artist Collective, and directed by Leslie Law, with music by Jose Gonzales. The cast was as follows:
OWEN, K. Brian Neel
ROSA, Annette Toutonghi
JACK, Shawn Belyea
CUSTOMER, David Natale
BARISTA, Eric Ray Anderson
VOICE OF CAMILLE, Kathryn Van Meter
Characters
OWEN
ROSA
JACK
CUSTOMER/BARISTA
VOICE OF CAMILLE
• • •
[Night. OWEN and ROSA in bed. Sex. She’s the aggressor.]
OWEN Oh. Oh God.
ROSA Yeah?
OWEN Oh my God.
ROSA I’ve got more. More for you.
OWEN What are you doing. Oh. What. Are you. Doing.
ROSA Stop?
OWEN No. Please don’t.
ROSA That’s for you. For you.
OWEN God yes.
ROSA Good?
OWEN Yes. Oh yes. Oh yes, yes. Rosa.
[Beat. Panting.]
ROSA Did you like it?
OWEN I think you broke me.
ROSA Where are you going?
OWEN [Exiting.] Water. Parched.
ROSA I’m just going to check messages.
OWEN [From off.] What?
ROSA [She opens her laptop.] Just take me one sec.
OWEN [Returning.] You’re on the computer? Already?
ROSA I’m just checking status updates.
OWEN You’re not supposed to go on Facebook after sex. Zuckerberg said so.
ROSA Hey. Oh my God. Is that her?
OWEN Who?
ROSA That’s her. No. She still has a profile?
OWEN Weird.
ROSA Did you know? Have you looked at this before?
OWEN That would be sick. She’s dead.
ROSA She came up as a friend suggestion. God, her poor family. Why is this all still here?
OWEN Let’s go to sleep.
ROSA Look, there’s galleries. Summer 2008. Newport Beach.
OWEN Please don’t open those.
ROSA Is that her? In the bikini?
OWEN I think so, yes.
ROSA Owen. You did sleep with her.
OWEN Okay, it’s her.
ROSA She’s gorgeous.
OWEN She was okay. You’re gorgeous.
ROSA Her body is perfect.
OWEN It’s not, it’s not perfect. It wasn’t. This is really confusing.
ROSA Is that you? Kissing her?
OWEN Probably.
ROSA She looks so happy. So do you.
OWEN It was three years ago.
ROSA It’s so eerie. Everything is preserved. Do you want to read her last status update?
OWEN No, this is perverse. Just turn it off.
ROSA Here it is.
[Reads.]
Owen brought me flowers and now I’m sneezing. That is so sweet.
OWEN I’m really tired.
ROSA She loved you, didn’t she?
OWEN They need to close the profile. This is wrong.
ROSA Maybe her family knows. Maybe they want it active.
OWEN Why?
ROSA She still has friends. A status. She’s almost a person. It would be like killing her twice.
OWEN You can be so odd sometimes.
[OWEN at work. He’s on a headset. Distracted. Across the stage, a customer on a telephone.]
CUSTOMER [Into phone.] You said this was a free scan. I wouldn’t have to buy anything.
OWEN [Into phone.] Yes, sir, that’s right.
CUSTOMER I’m looking at the screen, it says I still have infected files. It’s sending me to a download page and asking for my credit card.
OWEN Sir.
CUSTOMER I’m not giving you my credit card. Hello. Are you there?
OWEN Sorry, what did you say?
CUSTOMER I said your site wants my credit card.
OWEN Sir, we don’t request that information.
CUSTOMER My e-mail is hacked. Why would I give you my credit card number?
OWEN That’s not our site. If you just click refresh—
CUSTOMER I’m on your site. I’m looking at your site. I’m supposed to get a free virus scan.
OWEN Yes, I can help you with that, if you’ll just—
CUSTOMER I have been on the phone with you for thirty-five minutes, and I don’t think you’re even paying attention to me. Are you there?
OWEN [Distracted.] What?
CUSTOMER What the hell was your name? Orson? Oliver?
JACK [Entering to OWEN.] Hey, Owen. Whoa. Hot pics.
OWEN Jack, I’m on a call.
JACK Looks like it.
[JACK whistles.]
OWEN [Into phone.] Sir, let me help you create a system restore point.
CUSTOMER We did that half an hour ago! Who is that whistling on the line?
OWEN No one, sir. It’s the connection.
CUSTOMER Listen to me, you insolent prick. The only copy of my fantasy novel, six years of work, is on this laptop, and I can’t access it. I want your supervisor.
JACK Allow me.
[Takes the headset.]
This is Jack. I’m Owen’s supervisor. Fantasy novels suck. Especially yours. Enjoy your viruses.
[JACK hangs up. CUSTOMER exits.]
So. What’s her name?
OWEN You shouldn’t have done that.
JACK It’s a free virus scan. What do they expect? Damn, she is hot. Who is she?
OWEN My old girlfriend. Camille.
JACK Snooping the ex on Facebook. On company time. I like your style. Jesus, why do some girls show so much skin online? Sorry. You obviously still have feelings.
OWEN No, she’s, um. She died. Three years ago.
JACK You’re shitting me. This girl is dead? And still on Facebook?
OWEN It’s very odd.
JACK It’s all still here. Galleries, videos. Why didn’t her family close it?
OWEN I asked them not to.
JACK Does Rosa know you did that?
OWEN Sure. Sort of.
JACK Camille was totally hot. Why’d you ever break up?
OWEN She was raped and murdered.
JACK I suck. I really totally suck. I am suckful.
OWEN It’s okay, you didn’t know.
JACK I’m an ass. I didn’t know you were still with her when it happened. What are you doing?
OWEN Posting on her wall.
JACK Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is not good. Hey. Come on, Owen. You should not be doing this.
OWEN I just said I missed her.
JACK She’s dead. It’s just an algorithm. Owen. Log off. Seriously, you need to get out of Facebook.
OWEN I know, I know.
JACK I mean it, log off. Fine, I’m going to do it for you. Move.
OWEN Wait. Jack. Do you see that?
[JACK yelps.]
JACK No. No, no, no, no. Fuck me.
OWEN She just liked my post.
&nbs
p; JACK She did not. She did not like your post.
OWEN She did. She liked it.
JACK The break is over. Break is totally officially over.
OWEN What the hell, what the hell.
JACK It’s a prank. Some asshole hacked her accounts. Some insensitive fuck is in her profile, and you need to unfriend her. Now.
OWEN I can’t.
JACK Unfriend her. I mean it, right now.
OWEN I need to go.
JACK Owen! I really think this violates the terms of service!
[A rooftop. Sound of seagulls. OWEN’s phone rings. Across the stage, ROSA on her phone.]
OWEN [Into phone.] Hi.
ROSA [Into phone.] Hey, it’s me. Miss you.
OWEN Miss you too.
ROSA They said you left work early.
OWEN Yeah. It got to be too much.
ROSA Where are you? I hear birds.
OWEN Nowhere, I’m at home.
ROSA You’re not at home, ’cause I’m at home.
OWEN I’m on the roof.
ROSA What roof?
OWEN Downtown. Parking garage. Where he cut her open.
ROSA You’re where?
OWEN No one else was here. He held her down. She couldn’t scream. He violated her. Then he started to separate her. All her pieces.
ROSA Come home. Right now. Get off that roof. Get away from there.
OWEN It took her so long to die. Bleeding. Spreading.
ROSA Owen! Get off the rooftop!
OWEN Can’t. I’m reading her posts.
ROSA You’re what? That’s the past, it’s over.
OWEN No. These are new posts.
ROSA Come home. Please, Owen.
OWEN She just sent me an audio file. That is so nice.
[Sound. Clarinet. Gentle, simple. A song for OWEN.]
ROSA What was that?
OWEN She’s been practicing. She’s really good now.
ROSA Come home. Right now.
OWEN I’m happy here, Rosa.
[Voice of CAMILLE.]
CAMILLE Love. Love. Love you. Love.
ROSA Owen? Are you there? Owen?
CAMILLE Love you, Owen. Love you. Love you.
[Music, clarinet. Lights change. Coffee shop. Upstage, a barista pouring coffee.]
BARISTA Why don’t you two have a seat. I’ll bring your drinks right over.
ROSA Thank you.
[To OWEN.]
Sit down. I want you to relax.
OWEN Why?
ROSA This is my fault. I’m the one who started this.
OWEN Everything’s fine.
ROSA How is everything fine?
OWEN Because it is.
ROSA We’re going to log on. We’re going to say good-bye. And you’re going to unfriend her.
OWEN I don’t think so.
ROSA Fine, then I’ll log you on.
OWEN You know my password?
ROSA Of course I know your password.
[Types.]
There’s her profile.
OWEN How do you know my password?
BARISTA [Walking up.] Okay, two extra-tall double-shot caffeine towers.
ROSA Thank you.
BARISTA Whoa. Good-looking woman. Friend of yours?
[Beat.]
I’ll get back to work now.
[Moves away.]
ROSA It was three years ago. You have to get past this. Look, nothing to be afraid of. Just videos and galleries and...um. Owen? What is that?
OWEN New gallery.
ROSA There’s no new gallery.
OWEN She said she’d post something new for me.
ROSA Who is screwing around with this profile?
OWEN Open it.
ROSA No. This is someone’s sick game. I’m unfriending her.
OWEN NO. YOU WILL NOT.
ROSA Let go of me.
OWEN You will NOT take my GIRLFRIEND. You will NOT TAKE HER.
ROSA Owen, she’s dead. GIVE THAT BACK.
OWEN I’m opening the gallery! These are my pics! She posted them for me!
ROSA STOP IT.
OWEN There. It’s open. It’s—it’s.
ROSA Oh God.
BARISTA Everything okay over here? Oh. That is disgusting.
ROSA Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God.
BARISTA I’m going to be sick.
OWEN It’s beautiful. Look at her face. Her lovely face.
BARISTA Um, I don’t think that is a face.
OWEN She’s so pretty. So gorgeous.
BARISTA [Shaken.] I work here. I shouldn’t have to see this. I’m a good person.
[Barista exits.]
OWEN She’s smiling at me.
ROSA She’s not smiling! That isn’t even human, whatever it is! Give me the laptop. Right now.
OWEN I can’t.
ROSA I’m e-mailing that asshole Zuckerberg. I can’t believe Facebook would tolerate this. I want this account gone.
OWEN It won’t work.
ROSA I’m logging you off, and I’m taking your laptop until this is over.
OWEN I still have my iPad.
ROSA What’s wrong with you?
OWEN She wants me back.
ROSA She’s dead. This is a prank. You’re talking about a dead girl.
OWEN Look at her pretty eyes.
ROSA Stop it.
OWEN She wants me back, Rosa.
ROSA You’re sick. You’re sick, Owen. I’m leaving.
[Rosa exits.]
OWEN [Whispers.] I love you. Always. Your eyes. Your pretty eyes.
[Clarinet. Office sounds. The call center. JACK on his headset.]
JACK [Into phone.] I’m so sorry the software isn’t working for you. Maybe it’s because we didn’t write it for dumb asses. Have a nice day.
[Hangs up.]
Hey, Owen. You look like crap.
OWEN [Entering.] Yeah. Hey, Jack.
JACK You okay?
OWEN Tough night.
JACK I tried to call you.
OWEN I had to think things over.
JACK Rosa’s here. Been waiting for you.
ROSA [Entering.] Hi.
OWEN Hey.
ROSA Figured I’d catch you at work. How are you?
OWEN Really sorry.
ROSA You never came home. I thought maybe—
OWEN Rosa. I said some stupid things. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.
ROSA I’m sorry too. I am. I shouldn’t have—
OWEN No, it was me.
ROSA I was so worried.
OWEN It’s my fault.
ROSA Owen? Facebook contacted her parents. The profile is gone.
OWEN Oh.
ROSA I know we kind of killed her. Again. I’m so sorry.
OWEN No. It’s how it should be. She’s gone.
ROSA Are you sure?
OWEN I was an idiot. I was so bad to you. I need to move on. I know I do. I really love you.
ROSA I love you too. I love you so much.
OWEN Listen, do you want to—it’s so nice out, and...
JACK Hey. You just got to work.
OWEN You’re right, never mind.
JACK Screw it, go. These customers are all assholes anyway.
OWEN Thanks, Jack. Come on. Let’s get outside. Let’s start over.
ROSA [Relieved.] I was so worried. I was so scared.
OWEN It’s over. It’s the past. Come on, let’s go for a walk.
ROSA Hold on, just give me one sec.
OWEN What is it?
ROSA I really should check messages.
OWEN What?
ROSA I just need to check updates. Super quick.
OWEN Can’t it wait? Please.
ROSA One second. There, I’m done. Oh, look. I’ve got a friend request.
OWEN Who is it?
[ROSA screams.]
• • •
It’s Only a Minute a Guy
a comedy
John Franceschini
It’s Only a Minute a Guy by John Fra
nceschini. Copyright © 2012 by John Franceschini. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of the author.
CAUTION/ADVICE: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that performance of It’s Only a Minute a Guy is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, the Berne Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage performing rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, DVD-ROM, information storage and retrieval systems, and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Particular emphasis is placed upon the matter of readings, permission for which must be secured from the author’s agent in writing.
Inquiries concerning rights should be addressed to John Franceschini at [email protected].
John Franceschini
John Franceschini turned to playwriting following a career as a pharmacist. His plays have been produced in Florida, Texas, Virginia, Washington, Los Angeles, and Hollywood. Franceschini is a member of Orange County Playwrights Alliance and New Voices Playwrights Theatre.
• • • Production History • • •
Produced: New Voices Playwrights Theatre’s Summer Voices Festival, hosted by Mysterium Theatre, Santa Ana, California, September 2011; Pend Oreille Playhouse Community Theatre’s One Act Play Festival, Newport, Washington, July 2011; Stage Door Productions’ Fourth Annual One Act Play Festival, Fredericksburg, Virginia, May 2011, where it won the Audience Favorite Award; Three Roses Players’ The Writer Speaks ’11: Evening 12, North Hollywood, California, March, 2011. Staged Readings: Orange County Playwrights Alliance’s Discoveries Series; For Love or Money, hosted by Empire Theatre, Santa Ana, California, February 2011; Drama West Productions, Drama West Fest, Los Angeles, California, November 2010.
Characters
BETTY, recently divorced woman with insecurities about herself, is reluctantly reentering the dating scene. She is a librarian. (30–40s)
HENRY, low-key, friendly bartender at a speed-dating bar. He is a poet. (30–40s)
Actor playing HENRY (wear different hats/scarves for each character) doubles as:
The Best American Short Plays 2010-2011 Page 3