MATT Mona, let us go somewhere private to discuss this.
[They walk to a new spot on the stage.]
MONA Where was I?...Oh yes, I have been giving your offer a lot of thought, and under regular circumstances, it would not cross my mind, but I feel like such a failure knowing that my son needed a nebulizer that I could not buy because it cost too much. Now he is in the hospital. It’s all my fault.
MATT Mona, don’t blame yourself You need to be strong for your son now.
MONA But I only gave thought to your offer after this happened. Doesn’t that bother you? I feel like I am making a commodity out of marriage, but I do need the money, now more than ever.
MATT I’m sorry to hear about your son and I hope he gets better. Guilty thoughts will not help him now, though. Do you see what I mean? Emotions just take energy and prevent action. Be practical. How can you help him now? That’s how you should think. It would bother me if you gave no thought to my offer at all; I am not concerned what brought you to the decision. Once you have made a decision.
MONA I can’t help that. I am a woman and that’s just how we think.
MATT You can start to change by acknowledging how emotional you are.
MONA [Raised voice.] I don’t need a lecture on how I should be!
[Lowers voice.]
I came here to negotiate, that is, if you are up for negotiations.
MATT Yes, yes, I am. I have researched the requirements. All you need is a $65 registration fee forty eight hours before the actual ceremony and a witness. Then we need to prove that we are together. We could use pictures, bank statements, and proof of a common address.
MONA That sounds like a whole lot to me. Is it really worth it when we look at the actual benefits? You get residency benefits, Social Security benefits, tax benefits, rights over my life in case of a medical emergency, and life insurance benefits, and all I get is $15,000. That does not sound like a fair deal. What about the price of divorce if it does not work out? It would take two years for you to be granted a green card, two whole years. I’m thinking more along the lines of say $20,000–$25,000.
MATT Well, I see you have been doing some research and all that you say is true, but you failed to mention that I could also be made liable for your debt. You also get decisional rights over my life and tax benefits. When you look at it, there is a certain level of mutual risk that cannot be factored into cost. As with everything else, you are taking a chance. I can give you as much information as you need for you to get a sense of who I am, but in the end it all boils down to pure faith. Why should I factor mutual risk into the price?
MONA That’s because I retain more risk than you. I could be placed in prison for faking marriage.
MATT And I could be deported.
MONA I have my boy to support and to protect.
MATT I never said I would harm them.
MONA I know nothing about you.
MATT That’s why we do background checks.
MONA How do you do a background check on an invisible man?
MATT Well, maybe you need to give this more thought. I am serious about my offer and it still stands. It’s either you are in or out. It’s pointless debating with you when you have not made a decision.
MONA Wait, Matt, I have made up my mind. I want to do this; I mean, I need to do this. It would benefit me at this point in my life, but I think that you should meet me halfway on price.
MATT I only have $15,000 cash.
MONA I will take that in addition to $5,000 on credit.
MATT $15,000 cash, $3,000 credit, and I will do any repairs on your house?
MONA $15,000 cash, $4,000 credit, rights to claim you yearly on my taxes and keep the returns, and your written word.
MATT Deal.
MONA [Shaking hands.] It’s a deal
• • •
Till Death Do Us
Gene Fiskin
Till Death Do Us by Gene Fiskin. Copyright © 2012 by Gene Fiskin. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of the author.
CAUTION/ADVICE: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that performance of Till Death Do Us is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, the Berne Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage performing rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, DVD-ROM, information storage and retrieval systems, and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Particular emphasis is placed upon the matter of readings, permission for which must be secured from the author’s agent in writing.
Inquiries concerning rights should be addressed to Gene Fiskin at [email protected].
Gene Fiskin
After producing advertising campaigns for more than 200 major corporations, Gene Fiskin joined the Orange County Playwrights Alliance, and has since written some thirty-seven plays, most of which have either been presented as staged readings or full productions. His other works include short stories, novels, and screenplays. He has also acted in and directed approximately sixty plays and videos. Fiskin’s Grandpa Was a Bachelor, a full-length play, was produced in New York during the 2011–2012 season.
• • • Production History • • •
The play is yet to be produced.
Characters
HELEN, mid-40s
STEVE, 50s
• • •
[An upscale Las Vegas hotel room, possibly a bridal suite. Fresh flowers and a champagne bucket stand near a king-size bed. HELEN dejectedly on the edge of the bed. STEVE, upbeat and enthusiastic enters from the bathroom.]
STEVE Is this a great place, or what! Did you see that tub? Eight jets!
HELEN Ummm...
STEVE [Pointing out the window.] Look at that view! Boy, Vegas is really somethin’, isn’t it.
HELEN Ummmm...
STEVE Hey, lady. C’mon, this is your wedding night. Let’s see some enthusiasm.
HELEN Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
STEVE Okay, what’s the problem?
HELEN Problem? I don’t have a problem.
STEVE You’ve been Mrs. Steve Ingalls for four hours and you’ve had a long face the whole time. What’s going on?
HELEN [Long beat.] You didn’t like my wedding gown!
STEVE What are you talking about? I loved your gown.
HELEN You didn’t even notice it.
STEVE I did, too! It was white, kind of.
HELEN There! You don’t even know what color it was. It was pale ivory.
STEVE Isn’t that white?
HELEN NO! Pale ivory is not white. It’s pale ivory!
STEVE Looked white to me.
HELEN You don’t even care. I could have worn torn jeans and curlers and you wouldn’t have even noticed.
STEVE Helen...what’s wrong with you? The truth is, I’d have been thrilled to marry you if all you had on was a smile. In fact, a smile would be very welcome right about now.
HELEN That’s right, make fun of my feelings.
STEVE I’m not making fun of anything. I loved your dress. You looked great in it.
HELEN You didn’t tell me you liked it. You didn’t say anything about it.
STEVE I’m telling you now. What difference does it make? I love you, we got married, our whole life is ahead of us; who cares about a stupid wedding gown. You’re never going to wear it again anyway.
HELEN Don’t bet on it.
STEVE Now, what does that mean? Look, Helen, I don’t want to start off our marriage taking tranquilizers. Viagra, okay. Valium, no.
HELEN You noticed Denise’s dress.
STEVE Just because I said she looked good?
HELEN Oh. So maybe it wasn’t her dress you were talking about.
STEVE No. She looked fine. You know...nice. I thought complimenting your sister would make you happy.
HELEN She looked good, but you didn’t even notice me.
STEVE FOR GOD’S SAKE, HELEN...YOU WERE STANDING RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME. Of course I noticed you. You looked great!
HELEN I did not. I’ve got this big ugly zit coming out. And I’m bloated.
STEVE I just thought maybe you had put on a few pounds.
HELEN There! You think I’m a fat pig!
STEVE No. No, I don’t! I think you look terrific.
HELEN Really...?
STEVE Really. You’ve got a great look. And you carry yourself really... good.
HELEN What does that mean? “I carry myself really good.” Are you saying that for what I am, I don’t look too bad? Is that it? For a wreck, I look okay?
STEVE You’re not a wreck! You’re a little bloated, isn’t that what you said?
HELEN So you did notice. You stood up there in front of God and everybody and made a great sacrifice marrying a bloated, fat pig with a zit! What do want a medal?
STEVE No. I want a divorce.
HELEN Oh my God...!
STEVE I’m joking, Helen. I made a joke because you’re talking crazy. A little joke. My God, where’s your sense of humor?
HELEN [Sobbing.] Ohhhhh...he hates me. He hates me because I’m fat, with a zit, and have no sense of humor! Oh God...what did I do to get this zit?
[Beat.]
I should have worn lavender. I look good in lavender.
STEVE If you keep this up, you better hope you look good in black, because you’re killing me, Helen. A man should not die on his wedding night. Not without a hard-on.
HELEN How can you even talk about sex right now? Do I look like someone you’d want to make love to? Do I...do I? Fat and bloated with a zit the size of a Buick?
STEVE I like Buicks. My father always drove a Buick. At least until he could afford a Lexus.
HELEN What are you talking about? Why are you bringing up cars when my heart is breaking?
STEVE You brought it up. I just made a comment, that’s all. Look, the zit doesn’t remotely resemble a Buick. A Ford, maybe...
HELEN You don’t love me. You don’t even care about me! I don’t know why you married me!
STEVE Helen, you’re making me crazy! And if you keep this up...
[Beat.]
I’ve half a mind to give you a good spanking.
HELEN HA...! Don’t make me laugh.
STEVE Oh, fine. That’s right...go ahead, laugh at a man with half a mind.
HELEN [Starting to laugh despite herself.] And that’s why I married you, because even when I feel bad you can make me laugh.
STEVE Well, thank God for that!
HELEN Do you really love me, Steve?
STEVE I married you, didn’t I?
HELEN That wasn’t my question. I just want to make sure you love me despite my craziness.
STEVE Let’s get into bed and I’ll show you how much I love you.
HELEN Did you love Libby as much as you love me?
STEVE Why bring up Libby? If I loved her, I wouldn’t have divorced her. If I loved her, I wouldn’t have married you.
HELEN I’m asking...when you married Libby if you loved her as much as you love me?
STEVE When I married her, yes, I loved her. But I wasn’t in love with her. There’s a difference.
HELEN Does that mean you love me but you might not be in love with me...?
STEVE I love you, crazy lady. I’m in love with you. And if you must know, I loved your dress...I loved your shoes and your purse. I even loved the funny thing you wore on your head. And in time, I’m sure I will learn to love that fucking dog of yours, though that’s another subject altogether. But the truth is, tonight, with you, I would like to have an erection...and I would love to do something with it.
HELEN You’re a sex maniac, Steven.
STEVE When this dialogue started, that was entirely possible, now I’m not so sure.
HELEN Are you saying we can’t have a civilized conversation anymore? Does this mean if I want to talk things out, I’ll stop being attractive to you? That you’ll stop caring about me...or respecting my needs?
STEVE Did I say that? Did those words come out of my mouth?
HELEN You said you wanted me, but now you’re not so sure. It’s like telling me if I ask you a reasonable question, that’ll be grounds for divorce.
STEVE Helen.
[Beat.]
Helen, I don’t know what to say anymore. I’m afraid to say anything. You twist it all around. We got married because we both thought it was a good idea. Foolishly, I thought it might also include some interesting thrashing around in bed.
HELEN Don’t tell me that’s the only reason you married me...!
STEVE No. That was just one of them. You’re an exciting, intelligent, beautiful woman. And I admire you immensely. But would the universe be in danger if we respectfully and tastefully screwed around a little?
HELEN I don’t know you anymore, Steven. You’re acting like some sex-crazed teenager.
STEVE All things considered, there are some women who wouldn’t find that so terrible.
HELEN I’m not that kind of person. You know that, Steven.
STEVE Well, I certainly know it now.
HELEN You make that sound like a bad thing.
STEVE Let’s just say I’m a little surprised at the way this wedding night is shaping up.
HELEN You’re disappointed, aren’t you?
[Beat.]
I don’t know...maybe it’s me.
[Beat.]
Or maybe you’re hungry. We could go out to dinner....Or a movie. Or, if you want to, we could go downstairs and play the slots for a while. I’m feeling lucky.
STEVE Truthfully, when this evening started out I thought I might get lucky. I’m not thinking that anymore.
[Beat.]
Maybe I’ll just go take a cold shower or something.
[He goes off into the bathroom. When he is offstage, HELEN starts undressing.]
HELEN Don’t be too long. Remember, I’ll be here waiting for you.
STEVE [Offstage.] Yeah. Right.
[We hear the shower starting up.]
HELEN Right here, Steven. In bed. Where a bride should be on her wedding night.
STEVEN [Offstage.] Helen...do me a favor. Give it a rest.
HELEN I don’t think I’ll ever understand men.
[Beat.]
Steve use to be so romantic. Our wedding night...and he’s taking a cold shower!
[Beat.]
I should have worn lavender....
• • •
A Number on the Roman Calendar
David Johnston
A Number on the Roman Calendar by David Johnston. Copyright © 2012 by David Johnston. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of the author.
CAUTION/ADVICE: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that performance of A Number on the Roman Calendar is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, the Berne Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage performing rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, DVD-ROM, information storage and retrieval systems, and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Particular emph
asis is placed upon the matter of readings, permission for which must be secured from the author’s agent in writing.
Inquiries concerning rights should be addressed to Elaine Devlin Literary, Inc., c/o Plus Media, 20 W 23rd St., 3rd Floor, New York, NY 10010, [email protected], 212-842-9030.
David Johnston
David Johnston’s plays have been performed and read at the New Group, Moving Arts, the Neighborhood Playhouse, HB Playwrights Foundation, and Ensemble Studio Theatre. New York productions include working with the Blue Coyote Theater Group: Conversations on Russian Literature, a new adaptation of The Oresteia (Time Out Best of 2007), Busted Jesus Comix (GLAAD nominee 2005, London, Los Angeles, DC Cap Fringe), A Bush Carol, or George Dubya and the Xmas of Evil, and Effie Jean in Tahiti (both with music and lyrics by Stephen Speights). Regional credits include The George Place (Wellfleet Harbor Actors Theater). With director Kevin Newbury, Johnston wrote and staged Candy & Dorothy (GLAAD winner, 2006, WHAT, Unexpected Stage), and The Eumenides. Publications include Saturday with Martin (Short Plays to Long Remember), The Eumenides (Playing with Canons, New York Theatre Experience, Inc.), Leaving Tangier (Samuel French), and A Funeral Home in Brooklyn, A Lesson (Smith & Kraus). Current projects include the upcoming premiere of Coney and a film adaptation of his short play Mothra Is Waiting. Playwriting awards include Theater Oxford, Playwright Residency at the University of Cincinnati, Berrilla Kerr Foundation Grant, Ludwig Vogelstein Foundation, Arch & Bruce Brown Foundation, and New Dramatists. He was educated at the College of William and Mary and trained at the Circle in the Square. He’s a member of Actors Equity, Dramatists Guild (publications committee), Charles Maryan’s Playwrights/Directors Workshop, BMI, Blue Coyote Theater Group, and is a 2011–2012 resident artist for American Lyric Theater’s Composer Librettist Development Program.
• • • Production History • • •
A Number on the Roman Calendar was presented as a reading by d.i.r.t. company (Carter Jackson, Sarah Kate Jackson, co-founders and artistic directors) at the Players Club, New York City, September 12, 2011. The cast included Jonna McElrath, James Ireland, and Tom Lyons, and was directed by Carter Jackson.
The Best American Short Plays 2010-2011 Page 19