as I am an honest man.
CHAM.
Nay, rather let me have it, as you are a false thief.
No, I'd sooner have your promise as a false thief.
GADS.
Go to; homo is a common name to all men. Bid the ostler
bring my gelding out of the stable. Farewell, you muddy knave.
Get away, all men are the same at bottom. Tell the ostler
to bring my gelding out of the stable. Farewell, you muddy knave.
[Exeunt.]
[Enter Prince Henry and Pointz; Bardolph and Peto at
some distance.]
POINTZ.
Come, shelter, shelter:I have remov'd Falstaff's horse,
and he frets like a gumm'd velvet.
Come, hide, hide: I have taken Falstaff's horse away,
and he chafes like fraying velvet.
PRINCE.
Stand close.
Keep near me.
[They retire.]
[Enter Falstaff.]
FAL.
Pointz! Pointz, and be hang'd! Pointz!
Pointz!Pointz, damn you!Pointz!
PRINCE.
[Coming forward.]
Peace, ye fat-kidney'd rascal! what a brawling dost thou keep!
Quiet, you tubby rascal!What a racket you're making.
FAL.
Where's Pointz, Hal?
Where's Pointz, Hal?
PRINCE.
He is walk'd up to the top of the hill: I'll go seek him.
He walked up to the top of the hill; I'll go and look for him.
[Retires.]
FAL.
I am accursed to rob in that thief's company:the rascal hath
removed my horse, and tied him I know not where. If I travel but
four foot by the squire further a-foot, I shall break my wind.
Well, I doubt not but to die a fair death for all this, if I 'scape
hanging for killing that rogue. I have forsworn his company hourly
any time this two-and-twenty year, and yet I am bewitch'd with the
rogue's company. If the rascal have not given me medicines to make
me love him, I'll be hang'd; it could not be else:I have drunk
medicines.--
Pointz!--Hal!--a plague upon you both!--Bardolph!--Peto!--I'll
starve, ere I'll rob a foot further. An 'twere not as good a deed as
drink, to turn true man, and to leave these rogues, I am the veriest
varlet that ever chewed with a tooth. Eight yards of uneven ground
is threescore and ten miles a-foot with me; and the stony-hearted
villains know it well enough:a plague upon't, when thieves cannot
be true one to another!
[They whistle.] Whew!--A plague upon you all! Give me
my horse, you rogues; give me my horse, and be hang'd!
It's a curse to have to rob in that thief's company: the rascal has
taken my horse and I don't know where he's tied him up.If I
have to walk another four feet I'll be done for.
Well, I dare say I'll die a fair death for this, if I'm not
hanged for killing that rogue.Every hour of these past
twenty two years I've said I won't have any more to do with
him, but he seems to cast a spell over me.I'll be hanged if he
hasn't given me some potion to make me like him; it's the only explanation:
I have drunk medicines -
Pointz!Hal!Damn you both! Bardolph!Peto! I'll
starve before I do another robbery.And if it isn't as good a deed
as drinking to become a good man, and to leave these rogues,
I'm the greatest scoundrel alive.Eight yards over rough ground
is like a seventy mile walk for me; and the stony-hearted
villains know it well enough: curse the time, when thieves
have no loyalty to each other!
[Whistle] Whistling!Damn you all!Give me my horse, you scoundrels!
Give me my horse, and go hang yourselves!
PRINCE.
[Coming forward.] Peace! lie down; lay thine ear close to the
ground, and list if thou canst hear the tread of travellers.
Quiet!Lie down; put your ear to the ground
and listen for travellers.
FAL.
Have you any levers to lift me up again, being down? 'Sblood, I'll
not bear mine own flesh so far a-foot again for all the coin in thy
father's exchequer. What a plague mean ye to colt me thus?
Do you have levers to lift me up again once I'm down?By God,
I shan't walk so far on foot again, not for all the money in your
father's treasury.What the devil is this trick you're playing on me?
PRINCE.
Thou liest; thou art not colted, thou art uncolted.
You're lying; you're not tricked, you're unhorsed.
FAL.
I pr'ythee, good Prince Hal, help me to my horse, good king's
son.
Please. good Prince Hal, help me find my horse, good king's
son.
PRINCE.
Out, ye rogue! shall I be your ostler?
Get lost, you rogue!Am I your groom?
FAL.
Go, hang thyself in thine own heir-apparent garters! If I be
ta'en, I'll peach for this. An I have not ballads made on you
all, and sung to filthy tunes, let a cup of sack be my poison.
When a jest is so forward, and a-foot too, I hate it.
Go and hang yourself with your heir-apparent garters!If I'm caught
I'll turn informant. If I don't have songs written about you all,
and sung to filthy tunes, let me be poisoned with a cup of sack.
I hate this sort of practical joking, especially when it means I have to walk.
[Enter Gadshill.]
GADS.
Stand!
Stand!
FAL.
So I do, against my will.
I am, though I don't want to.
POINTZ.
O, 'tis our setter: I know his voice.
Oh, it's our informant; I know his voice.
[Comes forward with Bardolph and Peto.]
BARD.
What news?
What's the news?
GADS.
Case ye, case ye; on with your visards:there's money of
the King's coming down the hill; 'tis going to the King's
exchequer.
Hide yourselves, get your masks on: there's royal
money coming down the hill; it's on its way to the
King's treasury.
FAL.
You lie, ye rogue; 'tis going to the King's tavern.
You're lying, you scoundrel; it's going to the King's tavern.
GADS.
There's enough to make us all.
There's enough to make us all for life.
FAL.
To be hang'd.
To get us all hanged.
PRINCE.
Sirs, you four shall front them in the narrow lane; Ned
Pointz and I will walk lower; if they 'scape from your
encounter, then they light on us.
Gentlemen, you four will confront them in the narrow lane;
Ned Pointz and I will walk round lower; if they escape
you they'll run into us.
PETO.
How many be there of them?
How many of them are there?
GADS.
Some eight or ten.
About eight or ten.
FAL.
Zwounds, will they not rob us?
Good God, won't they rob us?
PRINCE.
What, a coward, Sir John Paunch?
What, are you a coward, Sir John Belly?
FAL.
Indeed, I am not John of Gaunt, your grandfather; but yet
no cowar
d, Hal.
It's true, I'm not John of Gaunt, your grandfather; but still,
I'm not a coward, Hal.
PRINCE.
Well, we leave that to the proof.
Well, we'll wait and see.
POINTZ.
Sirrah Jack, thy horse stands behind the hedge:when thou
need'st him, there thou shalt find him. Farewell, and stand fast.
Sir Jack, your horse is behind the hedge: when you need him,
that's where you'll find him.Farewell, and stand firm.
FAL.
Now cannot I strike him, if I should be hang'd.
Now I can't strike him to save my life.
PRINCE.
[aside to POINTZ.] Ned, where are our disguises?
Ned, where are our disguises?
POINTZ.
[aside to PRINCE HENRY.] Here, hard by:stand close.
Here, close by; keep close to me.
[Exeunt Prince and Pointz.]
FAL.
Now, my masters, happy man be his dole, say I:every man
to his business.
Now, my masters, may everyone be happy, I say; let everyone
go about his business.
[Enter Travellers.]
FIRST TRAVELLER.
Come, neighbour:
The boy shall lead our horses down the hill;
We'll walk a-foot awhile and ease our legs.
Come, neighbour:
the boy shall lead our horses down the hill;
we'll walk for a while to stretch our legs.
FALS, GADS., &C.
Stand!
Stand!
SECOND TRAVELLER.
Jesu bless us!
Jesus bless us!
FAL.
Strike; down with them; cut the villains' throats. Ah,
whoreson caterpillars! bacon-fed knaves! they hate us youth:
down with them; fleece them.
Attack; knock them down; cut the villain's throats. Ah,
damned parasites! Greedy scoundrels! They hate we young people:
knock them down, clean them out.
FIRST TRAVELLER.
O, we're undone, both we and ours for ever!
Oh, we're lost, us and our descendants for ever!
FAL.
Hang ye, gorbellied knaves, are ye undone? No, ye fat chuffs;
I would your store were here! On, bacons on! What, ye knaves!
young men must live. You are grand-jurors, are ye? we'll jure
ye, i'faith.
Hang you, you potbellied knaves, are you lost?No, you fat swine;
I wish your foodstore was here!Go on, you pigs!What, you scoundrels!
Young men must live.Grand jurors are you?I swear we'll pass sentence
on you.
[Exeunt Fals., Gads., &c., driving the Travellers out.]
[Re-enter Prince Henry and Pointz, in buckram suits.]
PRINCE.
The thieves have bound the true men. Now, could thou and I rob
the thieves, and go merrily to London, it would be argument for a
week, laughter for a month, and a good jest for ever.
The thieves have caught the honest men.Now, if you and I can
rob the thieves, and go merrily to London, it would be gossip for a week,
cause laughter for a month, and be a good joke forever.
POINTZ.
Stand close:I hear them coming.
Come closer: I hear them coming.
[They retire.]
[Re-enter Falstaff, Gadshill, Bardolph, and Peto.]
FAL.
Come, my masters, let us share, and then to horse before day.
An the Prince and Pointz be not two arrant cowards, there's no
equity stirring:there's no more valour in that Pointz than in a
wild duck.
Come, my masters, let's share out, and then get riding before daylight.
If the Prince and Pointz aren't two terrible cowards, I'm no judge:
there's no more bravery in Pointz than there is in a wild duck.
[As they are sharing, the Prince and Poins set upon them.]
PRINCE.
Your money!
Give us your money!
POINTZ.
Villains!
Villains!
[Falstaff, after a blow or two, and the others run away, leaving
the booty behind them.]
PRINCE.
Got with much ease. Now merrily to horse:
The thieves are scatter'd, and possess'd with fear
So strongly that they dare not meet each other;
Each takes his fellow for an officer.
Away, good Ned. Fat Falstaff sweats to death,
And lards the lean earth as he walks along:
Were't not for laughing, I should pity him.
That was easily got.Now happily on to the horses:
the thieves are scattered, and so gripped with fear
that they dare not run into each other;
each one thinks the others are sherrifs.
Let's go, good Ned.Fat Falstaff is sweating to death,
he bastes the earth with grease as he goes:
if I wasn't laughing so much I'd feel sorry for him.
POINTZ.
How the rogue roar'd!
How the scoundrel screamed!
[Exeunt.]
[Enter Hotspur, reading a letter.]
HOT.
--But, for mine own part, my lord, I could be well contented to
be there, in respect of the love I bear your House.--He could be
contented; why is he not, then? In respect of the love he bears
our House!--he shows in this, he loves his own barn better than he
loves our house. Let me see some more. The purpose you undertake
is dangerous;--Why, that's certain:'tis dangerous to take a cold,
to sleep, to drink; but I tell you, my lord fool, out of this nettle,
danger, we pluck this flower, safety. The purpose you undertake is
dangerous; the friends you have named uncertain; the time itself
unsorted; and your whole plot too light for the counterpoise of so
great an opposition.--
Say you so, say you so?I say unto you again, you are a shallow,
cowardly hind, and you lie. What a lack-brain is this! By the Lord,
our plot is a good plot as ever was laid; our friends true and
constant: a good plot, good friends, and full of expectation; an
excellent plot, very good friends. What a frosty-spirited rogue is
this! Why, my Lord of York commends the plot and the general course
of the action. Zwounds! an I were now by this rascal, I could brain
him with his lady's fan. Is there not my father, my uncle, and
myself? Lord Edmund Mortimer, my Lord of York, and Owen Glendower?
is there not, besides, the Douglas? have I not all their letters to
meet me in arms by the ninth of the next month? and are they not
some of them set forward already? What a pagan rascal is this! an
infidel! Ha! you shall see now, in very sincerity of fear and cold
heart, will he to the King, and lay open all our proceedings. O, I
could divide myself, and go to buffets, for moving such a dish of
skimm'd milk with so honourable an action!
Hang him! let him tell the King:we are prepared. I will set
forward to-night.--
[Enter Lady Percy.]
How now, Kate! I must leave you within these two hours.
" But for my part, my lord, I could be
very happy to be there, due to the love I have
for your family." He could be happy: then
why isn't he? Out of the love he has for our family: he
shows by this that he loves his own barn more than
he loves our house. Let me read some more. “The<
br />
action you plan is dangerous"–why, that's
obvious; it's dangerous to catch a cold, to sleep, to
drink; but I tell you, you foolish lord, out of this nettle of
danger we will pluck the flower of safety. “The action
you plan is dangerous, the friends you have named
are not reliable, the time is badly chosen and your
whole plot is too weak to combat the strength of
such a great enemy." That's what you say, is it? I say to
you again, you are a shallow cowardly fellow, and you
lie: what a lamebrain he is! By God, our plot is
a good plot, as good as was ever made, our friends true and
loyal: good plot, good friends, and excellent
chances: an excellent plot, very good friends; what a
cold spirited scoundrel this is! Why, my Lord of York
commends the plot, and the outline of the
plan. By God, if I were with this rascal now I
could beat his brains out with his lady's fan. Isn't there my
father, my uncle, and myself? Lord Edmund Mortimer,
my Lord of York, and Owen Glendower? Is
The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) Page 66