FIRST MERCHANTI am invited, sir, to certain merchants,Of whom I hope to make much benefit;I crave your pardon. Soon at five o'clock,Please you, I'll meet with you upon the martAnd afterward consort you till bed-time:My present business calls me from you now.
I have been invited, sir, to see certain merchants,Whom I hope to make good money from;I beg your pardon. Soon at five o'clock,If it please you, I'll meet with you at the marketAnd we can talk until you decide to go to bed:My present business calls me from you now.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Farewell till then: I will go lose myselfAnd wander up and down to view the city.
Farewell till then: I will go lose myselfAnd wander up and down to view the city.
FIRST MERCHANTSir, I commend you to your own content.
Sir, I hope you will be contented.
Exit
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE He that commends me to mine own contentCommends me to the thing I cannot get.I to the world am like a drop of waterThat in the ocean seeks another drop,Who, falling there to find his fellow forth,Unseen, inquisitive, confounds himself:So I, to find a mother and a brother,In quest of them, unhappy, lose myself.
He that hopes that I will be contentedHopes me to be something I cannot.To the world, I am like a drop of waterIn the ocean looking for another drop,Who, falling in to find it,Unseen, inquisitive, confuses himself:So I, looking for a mother and a brother,Searching for them, unhappy, lose myself.
Enter DROMIO of Ephesus
Here comes the almanac of my true date.What now? how chance thou art return'd so soon?
Here comes the one that shares my birth date.What now? How is it that you’ve returned so soon?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Return'd so soon! rather approach'd too late:The capon burns, the pig falls from the spit,The clock hath strucken twelve upon the bell;My mistress made it one upon my cheek:She is so hot because the meat is cold;The meat is cold because you come not home;You come not home because you have no stomach;You have no stomach having broke your fast;But we that know what 'tis to fast and prayAre penitent for your default to-day.
Returned so soon! More like approached too late:The food is burnt, the pig fell off the spit,The clock has struck the bell twelve times;And my mistress struck me one on my cheek:She’s all fired up hot because the meat is cold;The meat is cold because you’ve not been home;You’ve not been home because you aren’t hungry;You’re not hungry because you ate breakfast;But poor people like me who know what it’s like to fast and prayAre being punished for your faults today.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Stop in your wind, sir: tell me this, I pray:Where have you left the money that I gave you?
Stop right there: tell me, please:Where have you left the money that I gave you?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS O,--sixpence, that I had o' Wednesday lastTo pay the saddler for my mistress' crupper?The saddler had it, sir; I kept it not.
O,-- the sixpence, that I had on last WednesdayTo pay the saddler for my mistress' riding gear?The saddler has it, sir; I didn’t keep it.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I am not in a sportive humour now:Tell me, and dally not, where is the money?We being strangers here, how darest thou trustSo great a charge from thine own custody?
I am not in the mood for jokes now:Tell me, and quit goofing, where is the money?We’re strangers here, how could you dare letSo much money out of your sight?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS I pray you, sir, as you sit at dinner:I from my mistress come to you in post;If I return, I shall be post indeed,For she will score your fault upon my pate.Methinks your maw, like mine, should be your clock,And strike you home without a messenger.
I beg you, sir, joke as you sit at dinner:I come to you from my mistress in a hurry;If I return without you, she’ll beat me good,And take her anger at you out on me.I would think your hunger, like mine, would be your clock, and make you strike for home without needing a messenger.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Come, Dromio, come, these jests are out of season;Reserve them till a merrier hour than this.Where is the gold I gave in charge to thee?
Oh come on, Dromio, these jokes are getting out of hand;Tell them at a happier time than this.Where is the gold I left you in charge of?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS To me, sir? why, you gave no gold to me.
To me, sir? why, you gave no gold to me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Come on, sir knave, have done your foolishness,And tell me how thou hast disposed thy charge.
Come on, sir idiot, quit fooling around,Tell me how you’ve disposed of your charge.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS My charge was but to fetch you from the martHome to your house, the Phoenix, sir, to dinner:My mistress and her sister stays for you.My charge was only to fetch you from the martHome to your house, the Phoenix, sir, to dinner:My mistress and her sister are waiting for you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE In what safe place you have bestow'd my money,Or I shall break that merry sconce of yoursThat stands on tricks when I am undisposed:Where is the thousand marks thou hadst of me?
Tell me what safe place you’ve left my money,Or I am going to break that merry head of yoursThat keep cracking jokes when I’m in no mood:Where is the thousand marks you got from me?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS I have some marks of yours upon my pate,Some of my mistress' marks upon my shoulders,But not a thousand marks between you both.If I should pay your worship those again,Perchance you will not bear them patiently.
I have some marks of yours upon my head,Some of my mistress' marks upon my shoulders,But not a thousand marks between you both.If I were to give you those marks back you probably wouldn’t like it.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Thy mistress' marks? what mistress, slave, hast thou?
Your mistress' marks? what mistress are you talking about, slave?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Your worship's wife, my mistress at the Phoenix;She that doth fast till you come home to dinner,And prays that you will hie you home to dinner.
Your wife, my mistress, at the Phoenix;She who doesn’t eat until you come home,And prays that you will hurry home to dinner.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What, wilt thou flout me thus unto my face,Being forbid? There, take you that, sir knave.
What, are you making fun of me to my face,When I told you to stop? There, take that, stupid.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS What mean you, sir? for God's sake, hold your hands!Nay, and you will not, sir, I'll take my heels.
What do you mean, sir? for God's sake, stop hitting me!No, you’re not stopping, sir, so I’ll run away
Exit
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Upon my life, by some device or otherThe villain is o'er-raught of all my money.They say this town is full of cozenage,As, nimble jugglers that deceive the eye,Dark-working sorcerers that change the mind,Soul-killing witches that deform the body,Disguised cheaters, prating mountebanks,And many such-like liberties of sin:If it prove so, I will be gone the sooner.I'll to the Centaur, to go seek this slave:I greatly fear my money is not safe.
I can’t believe it, somehow that Rascal has cheated me out of all my money.They say this town is full of tricks and deception,Like nimble jugglers that deceive the eye,Dark-working sorcerers that change the mind,Soul-killing witches that deform the body,Disguised cheaters, fast-talking swindlers,And many other such sinful activities:If that’s the case I’d like to leave all the sooner.I'll to the Centaur, to go find that slave of mine:I greatly fear my money is not safe.
Exit
Enter ADRIANA and LUCIANA
ADRIANA Neither my husband nor the slave return'd,That in such haste I sent to seek his master!Sure, Luciana, it is two o'clock.
Neither my husband has returned nor the slave,I sent off to quickly seek his master!Luciana, it is already two o'clock.
LUCIANA Perhaps some merchant hath invited him,And from the mart he's somewhere gone to dinner.Good sister, let us dine and never fret:A man is master of his liberty:Time is their master, and, when they see time,They'll go or come: if so, be patient, sister.
Perhaps another merchant has invited hi
m,And he left the mart to go somewhere else for dinner.Good sister, we should stop worrying and eat:A man is master of his freedom:And time is master of them, when they see the time, they will come or go: be patient, sister.
ADRIANA Why should their liberty than ours be more?
Why should they have more freedom than us?
LUCIANA Because their business still lies out o' door.
Because their business is out of the home.
ADRIANA Look, when I serve him so, he takes it ill.
Look, he doesn’t like it when I’m like this.
LUCIANA O, know he is the bridle of your will.
O, he is the bridle of your will.
ADRIANA There's none but asses will be bridled so.
Only a mule would want to be bridled like that.
LUCIANA Why, headstrong liberty is lash'd with woe.There's nothing situate under heaven's eyeBut hath his bound, in earth, in sea, in sky:The beasts, the fishes, and the winged fowls,Are their males' subjects and at their controls:Men, more divine, the masters of all these,Lords of the wide world and wild watery seas,Indued with intellectual sense and souls,Of more preeminence than fish and fowls,Are masters to their females, and their lords:Then let your will attend on their accords.
Why, headstrong freedom is full of misery.There's nothing placed under heaven's eyeThat isn’t bound, in earth, in sea, in sky:The beasts, the fishes, and the winged birds,Are all subjects to males and under their control:Men are more god-like, they master all animals,Lords of the wide world and wild watery seas,Endowed with intellectual sense and souls,Superior to that of fish and birds,Are masters and lords over their females:You should do as they wish.
ADRIANA This servitude makes you to keep unwed.
This servile attitude is keeping you unmarried.
LUCIANA Not this, but troubles of the marriage-bed.
No, it’s not that, it’s marriage-bed troubles.
ADRIANA But, were you wedded, you would bear some sway.
But, if you were married you would have some influence.
LUCIANA Ere I learn love, I'll practise to obey.
Before I learn to love, I’ll learn obedience.
ADRIANA How if your husband start some other where?
What if your husband goes astray?
LUCIANA Till he come home again, I would forbear.
I would bear it until he came home again.
ADRIANA Patience unmoved! no marvel though she pause;They can be meek that have no other cause.A wretched soul, bruised with adversity,We bid be quiet when we hear it cry;But were we burdened with like weight of pain,As much or more would we ourselves complain:So thou, that hast no unkind mate to grieve thee,With urging helpless patience wouldst relieve me,But, if thou live to see like right bereft,This fool-begg'd patience in thee will be left.
That’s patience! no wonder she’s waiting;People can be meek if there’s no reason not to.A wretched soul, bruised by hardship,We tell it to be quiet when we hear it cry;But if we were burdened by the same pain,We ourselves would complain as much or more:So you, with no cruel husband to pain you,Would try to relive me by urging me to have helpless patience,But, if you live to see your rights taken away,This foolish patience in you will be gone.
LUCIANA Well, I will marry one day, but to try.Here comes your man; now is your husband nigh.
Well, I will marry one day, just to try it.Here comes your servant; your husband should follow soon.
Enter DROMIO of Ephesus
ADRIANA Say, is your tardy master now at hand?
Hey, is your tardy master close at hand?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Nay, he's at two hands with me, and that my two ears can witness.
No, he's at two hands with me, as my two ears can attest.
ADRIANA Say, didst thou speak with him? know'st thou his mind?
Well, did you speak to him? do you know his plan?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Ay, ay, he told his mind upon mine ear:Beshrew his hand, I scarce could understand it.
Yes, yes, he told his plan to my ear:But no thanks to his hand, I could barely understand it.
LUCIANA Spake he so doubtfully, thou couldst not feel his meaning?
Did he speak so vaguely, that you couldn’t perceive his meaning?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Nay, he struck so plainly, I could too well feel his blows; and withal so doubtfully that I could scarce understand them.
No, he hit it so plainly, I could feel his blows all too well; and they were all so bad that I could barely stand under them.
ADRIANA But say, I prithee, is he coming home? It seems he hath great care to please his wife.
But please, tell me, is he coming home? It seems he’s done a great deal to please his wife.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Why, mistress, sure my master is horn-mad.
Mistress, my master is like a bull horn-mad.
ADRIANA Horn-mad, thou villain!
Horn-mad, you jerk!
DROMIO OF EPHESUS I mean not cuckold-mad;But, sure, he is stark mad.When I desired him to come home to dinner,He ask'd me for a thousand marks in gold:''Tis dinner-time,' quoth I; 'My gold!' quoth he;'Your meat doth burn,' quoth I; 'My gold!' quoth he:'Will you come home?' quoth I; 'My gold!' quoth he.'Where is the thousand marks I gave thee, villain?''The pig,' quoth I, 'is burn'd;' 'My gold!' quoth he:'My mistress, sir' quoth I; 'Hang up thy mistress!I know not thy mistress; out on thy mistress!'
I don’t mean that he’s a cuckold;But he is very mad.When I desired him to come home to dinner,He asked me for a thousand marks in gold:''Tis dinner-time,' I said; 'My gold!' he said;'Your meat is burning,' I said; 'My gold!' he said:'Will you come home?' I said; 'My gold!' he said.'Where is the thousand marks I gave you, idiot?''The pig,' I said, 'is burnt;' 'My gold!' he said:'My mistress, sir' I said; 'Damn your mistress!I don’t know your mistress; who cares about your mistress!'
LUCIANA Quoth who?
LUCIANA Who said that?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Quoth my master:'I know,' quoth he, 'no house, no wife, no mistress.'So that my errand, due unto my tongue,I thank him, I bare home upon my shoulders;For, in conclusion, he did beat me there.
My master said that:'I know,' he said, 'no house, no wife, no mistress.'So that my errand, delivered by my tongue,Thanks to him, I bring home upon my shoulders;For, at the end of it, that’s where he beat me.
ADRIANA Go back again, thou slave, and fetch him home.
Go back again, you slave, and fetch him home.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Go back again, and be new beaten home?For God's sake, send some other messenger.
Go back again, and be beaten home again?For God's sake, send some other messenger.
ADRIANA Back, slave, or I will break thy pate across.
Back, slave, or I will hit you across your face.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS And he will bless that cross with other beating:Between you I shall have a holy head.
And he will bless that cross with another beating:Between the two of you I shall have a holy head.
ADRIANA Hence, prating peasant! fetch thy master home.
Get out, babbling peasant! get your master home.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Am I so round with you as you with me,That like a football you do spurn me thus?You spurn me hence, and he will spurn me hither:If I last in this service, you must case me in leather.
Am I so round with you as you are with me,That you’ll just kick me out like a football?You kick me here, and he will kick me there:If I survive this service, you must cover me in leather.
Exit
LUCIANA Fie, how impatience loureth in your face!
For shame, your face is covered in impatience!
ADRIANA His company must do his minions grace,Whilst I at home starve for a merry look.Hath homely age the alluring beauty tookFrom my poor cheek? then he hath wasted it:Are my discourses dull? barren my wit?If voluble and sharp discourse be marr'd,Unkindness blunts it more than marble hard:Do their gay vestments his affections bait?That's not my fault: he's master of my state:What ruins are i
n me that can be found,By him not ruin'd? then is he the groundOf my defeatures. My decayed fairA sunny look of his would soon repairBut, too unruly deer, he breaks the paleAnd feeds from home; poor I am but his stale.
He graces his minions with his presence,While I’m at home starving for a cheerful look.Has homely age taken all alluring beautyFrom my poor face? it was wasted on him:Am I boring to talk to? lost my charm?If my sharp and witty conversation has dulled,His unkindness blunted like hard marble:Do their lively clothes win his affections?That's not my fault: he's master of my clothes:What can you find about me that is ruined,That was not ruined by him? he is the reasonFor my defects. But my fallen beautyWould be repaired by one sunny look from himBut, like an unruly deer he breaks the pailAnd feeds away from home; I’m only his tool.
LUCIANA Self-harming jealousy! fie, beat it hence!
Self-harming jealousy! Quit talking like that!
ADRIANA Unfeeling fools can with such wrongs dispense.I know his eye doth homage otherwhere,Or else what lets it but he would be here?Sister, you know he promised me a chain;Would that alone, alone he would detain,So he would keep fair quarter with his bed!I see the jewel best enamelledWill lose his beauty; yet the gold bides still,That others touch, and often touching willWear gold: and no man that hath a name,By falsehood and corruption doth it shame.Since that my beauty cannot please his eye,I'll weep what's left away, and weeping die.
Unfeeling fools can ignore such wrongs.I know his eye is wandering to someone else,Or why wouldn’t he be here?Sister, you know he promised me a chain;But I would do without it, if only he wouldRemain faithful to his wife!Even the most beautiful jewelWill lose its beauty; yet gold lasts forever,Though if it is touched too often it willWear it down: and no man that has a name,Would dare shame it with lies and corruption.Since my beauty can no longer please his eye,I'll weep what's left of it away, and die weeping.
LUCIANA How many fond fools serve mad jealousy!
How many fools in love entertain such insane jealousy!
Exeunt
The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) Page 235