SIMPLE
Well, sir.
Good, sir.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it
is a 'oman that altogether's acquaintance with
Mistress Anne Page: and the letter is, to desire
and require her to solicit your master's desires to
Mistress Anne Page. I pray you, be gone: I will
make an end of my dinner; there's pippins and cheese to come.
Exeunt
No, we'll make it better. Give her this letter; this
woman is very well acquainted with
Mistress Anne Page: and the letter is asking
and ordering her to represent your master's feelings
to Mistress Anne Page. Please, go: I will
stay and finish my dinner: there's apples and cheese to finish.
Enter FALSTAFF, Host, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN
FALSTAFF
Mine host of the Garter!
Landlord of the Garter!
Host
What says my bully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely.
What's up you old devil? Speak intellectually and cleverly.
FALSTAFF
Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my
followers.
To tell the truth, landlord, I will have to lay off some of
my followers.
Host
Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot.
Throw them off, good Hercules; sack them; let them hang; trot, trot.
FALSTAFF
I sit at ten pounds a week.
I lodge at ten pounds a week.
Host
Thou'rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I
will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall
tap: said I well, bully Hector?
You are an emperor, Caesar, Kaiser and Sultan. I
will take on Bardolph; he can serve the beer:
is this a good idea, good Hector?
FALSTAFF
Do so, good mine host.
Go ahead, my good host.
Host
I have spoke; let him follow.
To BARDOLPH
Let me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow.
Exit
I have offered; let him take it up.
Let's see you in action: I don't waste words; follow me.
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade:
an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered
serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.
Bardolph, follow him. Tending bar is a good trade:
you can make a new waistcoat out of an old cloak; a
decrepit servant can make a new barman. Go; good luck.
BARDOLPH
It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive.
That's a life I've always wanted: I will do well.
PISTOL
O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield?
Exit BARDOLPH
You low-down loser! So you'll work the beer pump?
NYM
He was gotten in drink: is not the humour conceited?
He was conceived by drunkards: don't things come round amusingly?
FALSTAFF
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: his
thefts were too open; his filching was like an
unskilful singer; he kept not time.
I'm glad to be rid of this troublemaker: his
thefts were too obvious; his stealing was like
an unskilful singer; he was off the beat.
NYM
The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest.
The good thief steals at a pause in the music.
PISTOL
'Convey,' the wise it call. 'Steal!' foh! a fico
for the phrase!
The wise call it “redistribution". “Stealing!" Pah!
Damn the phrase.
FALSTAFF
Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
Well, gentlemen, I am very down at heel.
PISTOL
Why, then, let kibes ensue.
Well then, you'll get chilblains.
FALSTAFF
There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.
There is no cure for it; I must catch rabbits; I must make do.
PISTOL
Young ravens must have food.
The birds must be fed.
FALSTAFF
Which of you know Ford of this town?
Which of you know Ford, who lives in this town?
PISTOL
I ken the wight: he is of substance good.
I know the fellow: he's got plenty.
FALSTAFF
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
My good lads, I'll tell you what I'm about.
PISTOL
Two yards, and more.
Two yards and more.
FALSTAFF
No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two
yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about
thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's
wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses,
she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I
can construe the action of her familiar style; and
the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished
rightly, is, 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.'
No jokes now, Pistol! It's true that I am two yards
around the waist; but I'm not talking about waste now,
I am talking about profit. In brief, I intend to sweet talk
Ford's wife. I can see a saucy spirit in her; she chats,
she simpers, she gives inviting looks: I
know what all her actions mean; and
all her behaviour cries out, in plain English,
“I am Sir John Falstaff's."
PISTOL
He hath studied her will, and translated her will,
out of honesty into English.
He's looked at her assets, and interpreted her wants,
into English out of honesty.
NYM
The anchor is deep: will that humour pass?
She is well settled: can you get past that?
FALSTAFF
Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her
husband's purse: he hath a legion of angels.
Now, it's said that she has control over her
husband's finances: and he has a sackful.
PISTOL
As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I.
You want to get in that sack then; go for it, I say.
NYM
The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels.
Yes I like this plan, it's a good one: let's hope it turns out well.
FALSTAFF
I have writ me here a letter to her: and here
another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good
eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious
oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my
foot, sometimes my portly belly.
I've got a letter here which I've written her: and here
is another one to Page's wife, who was recently
flirting with me too, looking me over with very saucy
eyes; sometimes she casts the sunbeam of her look over
my feet, sometimes over my round belly.
PISTOL
Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
Then the sun was shining on a dung heap.
NYM
I thank thee for that humour.
Nice joke.
FALSTAFF
O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a
greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did
seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here's
ano
ther letter to her: she bears the purse too; she
is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will
be cheater to them both, and they shall be
exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou
this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to
Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
Oh, she ran her gaze over my appearance with such a
greedy look, that I thought I would burn up, as if
her eye was a magnifying glass! Here's
a letter for her: she controls the finances too; she
is a promised land, full of gold and profits. I will
be a taxman to both of them, and they shall be my
taxpayers; they'll be the East and West
Indies, and I will make trade voyages to both of them.
Go and take this letter to Mistress Page; and you take this to
Mistress Ford: we will do well my lads, we will do well.
PISTOL
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!
Do I, a soldier, have to act as a pimp?
Devil take it all!
NYM
I will run no base humour: here, take the
humour-letter: I will keep the havior of reputation.
I don't want to lower myself to this: take
your low letter: I will keep my reputation.
FALSTAFF
[To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;
Trudge, plod away o' the hoof; seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the humour of the age,
French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page.
Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN
Just a minute, lad, deliver those letters faithfully;
you're my ship taking me to golden shores.
You rascals, get out of here, off you go! Melt away like hailstones, go;
go on, hoof it; get packing!
Falstaff will follow the fashion of the time,
French economy, you scoundrels, just me and a page will be my whole household.
PISTOL
Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor:
Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
May vultures gnaw your guts! The loaded dice are rolling,
and the rich and poor are both tricked:
I'll have sixpence in my purse when you have nothing,
you Turkish pimp!
NYM
I have operations which be humours of revenge.
I have a plan to get him back for this.
PISTOL
Wilt thou revenge?
You want revenge?
NYM
By welkin and her star!
By the sky and stars above!
PISTOL
With wit or steel?
With cunning or force?
NYM
With both the humours, I:
I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
With my cunning and someone else's force:
I will reveal this love to Page.
PISTOL
And I to Ford shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
And I will tell Ford
how the horrible scoundrel Falstaff
wants to get his hands on his wife and his gold,
and pollute his bed.
NYM
My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to
deal with poison; I will possess him with
yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous:
that is my true humour.
I won't let this go: I will spur Page on to
be properly vicious; I will fill him with
jealousy, for mine is dangerous:
my mind is made up.
PISTOL
Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on.
Exeunt
You are the god of the wars of rebels: I'll back you up; march on.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY
MISTRESS QUICKLY
What, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the casement,
and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor
Caius, coming. If he do, i' faith, and find any
body in the house, here will be an old abusing of
God's patience and the king's English.
Where are you, John Rugby! Please, go to the window,
and see if you can see my master, Doctor
Caius, coming. If he does, and finds anybody
in the house, there will be a good deal of
wicked deeds and swearing.
RUGBY
I'll go watch.
I'll keep watch.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, in
faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.
Exit RUGBY
An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant
shall come in house withal, and, I warrant you, no
tell-tale nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is,
that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish
that way: but nobody but has his fault; but let
that pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is?
Go; and later we'll have some toddy, I promise,
in front of a roaring fire.
As honest, hard-working and kind a servant
that ever came in to a house, and, I'll swear,
no tell-tale or mischief maker: his worst fault is
that he likes to pray; he's rather silly in
that way: but everybody has faults; we'll let
it go. Peter Simple, you say your name is?
SIMPLE
Ay, for fault of a better.
Yes, lacking a better one.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
And Master Slender's your master?
And Master Slender's your master?
SIMPLE
Ay, forsooth.
Yes, indeed.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Does he not wear a great round beard, like a
glover's paring-knife?
Doesn't he have a great round beard, shaped like a
leather cutter's knife?
SIMPLE
No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with a
little yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard.
Certainly not: he's just got a small face, with a
little yellow beard, reddish yellow.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
A softly-sprighted man, is he not?
Quite a gentle spirited man, isn't he?
SIMPLE
Ay, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his hands
as any is between this and his head; he hath fought
with a warrener.
Yes, indeed: but he is as good with his hands
as any man in the neighbourhood; he has fought
with a gamekeeper.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
How say you? O, I should remember him: does he not
hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?
You don't say? Oh, I should remember him: doesn't he
sort of look down his nose, and strut as he walks?
SIMPLE
Yes, indeed, does he.
He certainly does.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell
Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your
master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish--
&
nbsp; Re-enter RUGBY
Well, I hope heaven doesn't send Anne Page anything worse!
Tell Master Parson Evans that I will do what I can for your
master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish–
RUGBY
Out, alas! here comes my master.
Alas, we're found out! Here comes my master.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man;
go into this closet: he will not stay long.
Shuts SIMPLE in the closet
What, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say!
Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt
he be not well, that he comes not home.
Singing
And down, down, adown-a, & c.
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS
We are all in the soup. Jump in here, good lad;
go into this cupboard, he won't stay long.
Hey, John Rugby! John! Hey, John, I say!
John, go and ask where your master is; I worry
The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) Page 294