The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 300
Exit
I will, sir.
SIR HUGH EVANS
'Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and
trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have
deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog
his urinals about his knave's costard when I have
good opportunities for the ork. 'Pless my soul!
Sings
To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sings madrigals;
There will we make our peds of roses,
And a thousand fragrant posies.
To shallow--
Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.
Sings
Melodious birds sing madrigals--
When as I sat in Pabylon--
And a thousand vagram posies.
To shallow & c.
Re-enter SIMPLE
Goodness me, how full of sadness I am, and
my head is spinning: I will be glad if he has
dodged me. How sad I am! I will
wrap his balls around his filthy head when I
get a chance. Bless my soul!
To shallow rivers, by whose falls
sweet birds sing madrigals;
there we will make carpets of roses,
and a thousand fragrant bouquets,
to shallow–
Dear me! I feel as though I'm going to cry–
Sweet birds sing madrigals–
when I sat in Babylon–
and a thousand sweet bouquets,
to shallow, etc.
SIMPLE
Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.
He's over there, coming this way, Sir Hugh.
SIR HUGH EVANS
He's welcome.
Sings
To shallow rivers, to whose falls-
Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?
He's welcome.
To shallow rivers, to whose falls–
May God help the righteous! What weapons is he carrying?
SIMPLE
No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master
Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over
the stile, this way.
He has no weapons, sir. Here comes my master, Master
Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore,
over the stile, coming this way.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms.
Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER
Please, give me my gown; or hold it in your arms.
SHALLOW
How now, master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh.
Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student
from his book, and it is wonderful.
Hello there, master Parson! Good day, good Sir Hugh.
Keep the gambler away from the dice, and a good student
away from his books, and all will be well.
SLENDER
[Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page!
Ah, sweet Anne Page!
PAGE
'Save you, good Sir Hugh!
God bless you, good Sir Hugh!
SIR HUGH EVANS
'Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!
May he show you all his mercy!
SHALLOW
What, the sword and the word! do you study them
both, master parson?
What, the sword and the word! Are you a student of
both, master parson?
PAGE
And youthful still! in your doublet and hose this
raw rheumatic day?
And you're still young! Wearing your shirt and stockings
on this bone chilling day?
SIR HUGH EVANS
There is reasons and causes for it.
I have my reasons for it.
PAGE
We are come to you to do a good office, master parson.
We have come to do you a good turn, master parson.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Fery well: what is it?
Very good: what is it?
PAGE
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike
having received wrong by some person, is at most
odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you
saw.
Over there is a very holy gentleman, who, probably
because somebody has treated him badly, is as
out of sorts with his own temper and position as anyone
you ever saw.
SHALLOW
I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never
heard a man of his place, gravity and learning, so
wide of his own respect.
I have lived eighty years and more; I never
heard of a man of his position, seriousness and learning, who was so
different to his usual self.
SIR HUGH EVANS
What is he?
Who is he?
PAGE
I think you know him; Master Doctor Caius, the
renowned French physician.
I think you know him; Master Doctor Caius, the
famous French physician.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Got's will, and his passion of my heart! I had as
lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
By God, and the passion he puts in my heart! I would
care as much if you told me it was a bowl of porridge.
PAGE
Why?
Why?
SIR HUGH EVANS
He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen,
--and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you
would desires to be acquainted withal.
He has no knowledge of medical texts,
besides he is a scoundrel; as cowardly a knave
as you could wish to meet.
PAGE
I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him.
I'm telling you, he's the man you're going to fight.
SHALLOW
[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!
Oh sweet Anne Page!
SHALLOW
It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder:
here comes Doctor Caius.
Enter Host, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY
It would seem so from his weapons. Keep them apart:
here comes Doctor Caius.
PAGE
Nay, good master parson, keep in your weapon.
No, good master parson, keep your sword in its sheath.
SHALLOW
So do you, good master doctor.
You do the same, good master doctor.
Host
Disarm them, and let them question: let them keep
their limbs whole and hack our English.
Disarm them, and let them argue: let them keep
their limbs whole and just hack our language about.
DOCTOR CAIUS
I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.
Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?
Please, let me have a word in your ear.
Why will you not fight me?
SIR HUGH EVANS
[Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you, use your patience:
[Aloud] in good time.
Please, remain calm. [Aloud] All in good time
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.
By God, you are a coward, a useless dog, a dirty monkey.
SIR HUGH EVANS
[Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you let us not be
laughing-stocks to other men's humours; I desire you
in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.
Aloud
I will knog your urinals about your knave's cockscomb
for missing your meetings and appointments.
Please don't let's be
at the mercy of other men's moods;
I want to be
friends, and I'll find a way of making it up to you.
I will smash your balls around your knave's head
for not keeping your appointments.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Diable! Jack Rugby,--mine host de Jarteer,--have I
not stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de place
I did appoint?
You devil! Jack Rugby–my host of the Garter–haven't I
been waiting here to kill him? Haven't I, at the place
I named?
SIR HUGH EVANS
As I am a Christians soul now, look you, this is the
place appointed: I'll be judgement by mine host of
the Garter.
As I am a Christian soul, look you, this is
the place chosen: I'll stand by the judgement of my host
of the Garter.
Host
Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,
soul-curer and body-curer!
Peace, I ask, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,
parson and doctor!
DOCTOR CAIUS
Ay, dat is very good; excellent.
Ah, that's very good; excellent.
Host
Peace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am I
politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I
lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and the
motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir
Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the
no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. Give me
thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have
deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong
places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are
whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay
their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace;
follow, follow, follow.
Peace, I say! Listen to the landlord of the Garter. Am I
a politician? Am I cunning? Am I a Machiavelli? Shall I
lose my doctor? No, he gives me medicine and
purgatives. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir
Hugh? No, he gives me the proverbs and tells me
what not to do. Give me your hand, earthly man;
give me your hand, man of heaven. You clever boys, I have
deceived you both: I sent you to the wrong
places; you have shown you have great hearts, your skins are
undamaged, and let a good drink be the result. Come on,
put aside your swords. Come with me, peaceful lads;
follow, follow, follow.
SHALLOW
Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.
Believe me, this is a mad landlord. Follow him, gentlemen, follow him.
SLENDER
[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!
Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and Host
Oh sweet Anne Page!
DOCTOR CAIUS
Ha, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot of
us, ha, ha?
Ha, do I read this correctly? Have you made fools
out of us, hey, hey?
SIR HUGH EVANS
This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I
desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog
our prains together to be revenge on this same
scall, scurvy cogging companion, the host of the Garter.
Well, that's what he's done; he is made us a laughingstock.
I would like us to be friends; and let us rack
our brains together to get revenge on this
scabby, filthy, deceiving villain, the landlord of the Garter.
DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me
where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.
By God, with all my heart. He promised to bring me
to Anne Page; by God, he deceived me too.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow.
Exeunt
Well, I shall bash his head in. Please, come with me.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN
MISTRESS PAGE
Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were wont to
be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether
had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels?
No, keep going, my little soldier; you used to be
a follower, but now you are a leader. Would you
rather lead my eyes, or have your eyes on your master's heels?
ROBIN
I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man
than follow him like a dwarf.
I would rather, I swear, go ahead of you like a man
than behind him like a dwarf.
MISTRESS PAGE
O, you are a flattering boy: now I see you'll be a courtier.
Enter FORD
Oh, you are a silver tongued boy: I can see you will make a courtier.
FORD
Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?
Hello there, Mistress Page. Where are you going?
MISTRESS PAGE
Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?
To tell you the truth, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?
FORD
Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want
of company. I think, if your husbands were dead,
you two would marry.
Yes, and as idle as she can be without dying, for lack
of company. I think, if your husbands were dead,
you two would be married.
MISTRESS PAGE
Be sure of that,--two other husbands.
You can be sure of that–to two other husbands.
FORD
Where had you this pretty weather-cock?
Where did you get this pretty little ornament?
MISTRESS PAGE
I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my
husband had him of. What do you call your knight's
name, sirrah?
I can't remember what the hell the name is of
the fellow my husband had him from. What was your knight's
name, sir?
ROBIN
Sir John Falstaff.
Sir John Falstaff.
FORD
Sir John Falstaff!
Sir John Falstaff!
MISTRESS PAGE
He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such a
league between my good man and he! Is your wife at
home indeed?
That's the one; I can never remember the name. My husband
and he are thick as thieves! So, your wife is
definitely at home?
FORD
Indeed she is.
She certainly is.
MISTRESS PAGE
By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her.
Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN
Then excuse me, sir: I am desperate to see her.
FORD
Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he any
thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them.
Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, as
easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve
score. He pieces out his wife's inclination; he
gives her folly motion and advantage: and now she's
going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A
man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And
Falstaff's boy with her! Good plots, they are laid;
and our revolted wives share damnation together.
Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck
the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming
Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and
wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings all
my neighbours shall cry aim.
Clock heard
The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me
search: there I shall find Falstaff: I shall be
rather praised for this than mocked; for it is as
positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is
there: I will go.
Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, Host, SIR HUGH EVANS, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY
Hasn't Page.any brains? Hasn't he any eyes? Can't he
think? I'm certain they're all asleep: he has no use for
them. Why, this boy could carry a letter twenty miles
as easily as you could hit a barn door with a cannon.
He is actually helping his wife's plan along; he
is giving her weakness motive and opportunity: and now she's
going to my wife, and taking Falstaff's boy with her. A man
can hear the storm coming. And Falstaff's boy with her!
These are good plots! They are prepared; and our
cheating wives will be dammed together. Well, I
will show him, then torment my wife, pull the