MALVOLIO
Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me
Sir Toby, I must be honest with you. My lady told me
tell you, that, though she harbours you as her
to tell you that, though she is allowing you to stay
kinsman, she's nothing allied to your disorders. If
as her relative, she has no loyalty to your faults. If
you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you
you can separate yourself and your bad behavior, you
are welcome to the house; if not, an it would please
are welcome to the house; if not, go away,
you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid
she is very willing to tell
you farewell.
you goodbye.
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.'
'Farewell, dear heart, since I must leave.'
MARIA
Nay, good Sir Toby.
No, good Sir Toby.
Clown
'His eyes do show his days are almost done.'
'His eyes are showing that his death is near.'
MALVOLIO
Is't even so?
Is that so?
SIR TOBY BELCH
'But I will never die.'
'But I will never die.'
Clown
Sir Toby, there you lie.
Sir Toby, that's a lie.
MALVOLIO
This is much credit to you.
This is a true thing.
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Shall I bid him go?'
"Shall I tell him to go?'
Clown
'What an if you do?'
'And what if you do?'
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Shall I bid him go, and spare not?'
'Shall I tell him to go, without flinching?'
Clown
'O no, no, no, no, you dare not.'
'Oh no no no no, you don't dare to.'
SIR TOBY BELCH
Out o' tune, sir: ye lie. Art any more than a
Out of tune, sir: you are lying. Are you any more
steward? Dost thou think, because thou art
than a steward? Do you think, because you are
virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?
virtuous, that there shall be no more food and drink?
Clown
Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i' the mouth too.
Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot in the
mouth too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Thou'rt i' the right. Go, sir, rub your chain with
You are correct. Go sir, rub your chain with
crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria!
crumbs. Some wine, Maria!
MALVOLIO
Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady's favour at any
Madame Mary, if you valued my lady's favor more than
thing more than contempt, you would not give means
you do, you would not help make possible
for this uncivil rule: she shall know of it, by this hand.
this rowdy behavior: she shall know about it from me.
Exit
MARIA
Go shake your ears.
Oh, enough of you.
SIR ANDREW
'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man's
It is as good a deed as to drink when a man
a-hungry, to challenge him the field, and then to
is hungry, to challenge him to battle, and then to
break promise with him and make a fool of him.
break your promise with him and make a fool out of him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Do't, knight: I'll write thee a challenge: or I'll
Do it, knight: I'll write you a challange, or I'll
deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.
let him know about the challenge by word of mouth.
MARIA
Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight: since the
Good Sir Toby, be patient about tonight; since the
youth of the count's was today with thy lady, she is
servant of the count's was with your lady today, she is
much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me
in a bad mood. As for Mister Malvolio, leave me
alone with him: if I do not gull him into a
alone with him: if I do not trick him
nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not
and make him the victim of a prank, do not think
think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed:
I am clever enough to lie straight in my bed:
I know I can do it.
I know I can do it.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Possess us, possess us; tell us something of him.
Explain to us, explain to us: tell us things about him.
MARIA
Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.
By Mary, sir, sometimes he is a bit of a puritan.
SIR ANDREW
O, if I thought that I'ld beat him like a dog!
Oh, if I thought that I'd beat him like a dog!
SIR TOBY BELCH
What, for being a puritan? thy exquisite reason,
What, for being a puritan? What is your excellent reason,
dear knight?
my dear knight?
SIR ANDREW
I have no exquisite reason for't, but I have reason
I have no excellent reason for it, but I have a reason
good enough.
good enough.
MARIA
The devil a puritan that he is, or any thing
constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass,
that cons state without book and utters it by great
swarths: the best persuaded of himself, so
crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is
his grounds of faith that all that look on him love
him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find
notable cause to work.
He is uptight, a showoff, and things way too highly of himself,
and it is through that fault of his I will be able to take
revenge on him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
What wilt thou do?
What will you do?
MARIA
I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of
love; wherein, by the colour of his beard, the shape
of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure
of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find
himself most feelingly personated. I can write very
like my lady your niece: on a forgotten matter we
can hardly make distinction of our hands.
I will let him come upon some secret supposed love letters,
which by complimenting the color of his beard, the shape
of his leg, the way of his walking, the expression of his face,
he will find himself very emotionally described. I can write
very like my lady your niece: in fact we have gotten our
handwriting confused before.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Excellent! I smell a device.
Excellent! I smell a great prank.
SIR ANDREW
I have't in my nose too.
I have it in my nose too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop,
He shall think, by the letters that you will drop,
that they come from my niece, and that she's in
that they were written by my niece, and that she's in
love with him.
love with him.
MARIA
My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour.
That is basically it,
yes.
SIR ANDREW
O, 'twill be admirable!
Oh, that will be amazing!
MARIA
Sport royal, I warrant you: I know my physic will
Much fun, I promise you: I know my strategy will
work with him. I will plant you two, and let the
worth with him. I will position you two, and let the
fool make a third, where he shall find the letter:
observe his construction of it. For this night, to
watch what he makes of it. But for tonight, go
bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.
to bed, and dream about the event. Farewell.
Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
Good night, Penthesilea.
SIR ANDREW
Before me, she's a good wench.
She's a good woman.
SIR TOBY BELCH
She's a beagle, true-bred, and one that adores me: what o' that?
She's a good woman who adores me, what of it?
SIR ANDREW
I was adored once too.
I once had someone in love with me too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Let's to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for
Let's go to bed, knight. You will need to ask for
more money.
more money.
SIR ANDREW
If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.
If I can't get your niece to marry me, I will be in bad shape.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Send for money, knight: if thou hast her not i'
Send for money, knight:
the end, call me cut.
I'm sure you'll get her.
SIR ANDREW
If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.
If I don't, never trust me, whatever you make of that.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, come, I'll go burn some sack; 'tis too late
Come, come, I'll go have some more to drink, it is too late
to go to bed now: come, knight; come, knight.
to go to bed now: come now, knight, come now, knight.
Exeunt
Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and others
DUKE ORSINO
Give me some music. Now, good morrow, friends.
Give me some music. Now, good day, friends.
Now, good Cesario, but that piece of song,
Now, my dear Cesario, about that bit of song,
That old and antique song we heard last night:
That old traditional song we heard last night:
Methought it did relieve my passion much,
I thought it made me feel a lot better,
More than light airs and recollected terms
More than the lighter tunes
Of these most brisk and giddy-paced times:
Of these fast-paced modern times:
Come, but one verse.
Now, just one verse.
CURIO
He is not here, so please your lordship that should sing it.
He is not here, the man your lordship wanted to sing it.
DUKE ORSINO
Who was it?
CURIO
Feste, the jester, my lord; a fool that the lady
Feste, the jester, my lord; a clown that my lady
Olivia's father took much delight in. He is about the house.
Olivia's father much enjoyed. He is around the house.
DUKE ORSINO
Seek him out, and play the tune the while.
Go look for him, and play the tune while we wait.
Exit CURIO. Music plays
Come hither, boy: if ever thou shalt love,
Come here, boy: if you ever shall love,
In the sweet pangs of it remember me;
In the sweet waves of pain of it remember me;
For such as I am all true lovers are,
For I am the way that all true lovers are,
Unstaid and skittish in all motions else,
Unsteady and wavering in all other motions,
Save in the constant image of the creature
Except in the constant view of the person
That is beloved. How dost thou like this tune?
That is beloved. How do you like this tune?
VIOLA
It gives a very echo to the seat
It gives a perfect echo to the seat
Where Love is throned.
Where Love sits on a throne.
DUKE ORSINO
Thou dost speak masterly:
You speak wisely:
My life upon't, young though thou art, thine eye
By my life, even though you are young, your eye
Hath stay'd upon some favour that it loves:
Has been upon something that it loves:
Hath it not, boy?
Hasn't it, boy?
VIOLA
A little, by your favour.
A little, if you would indulge me.
DUKE ORSINO
What kind of woman is't?
What kind of woman is she?
VIOLA
Of your complexion.
Similar in appearance to you.
DUKE ORSINO
She is not worth thee, then. What years, i' faith?
She is not worth you, then. How old, by my faith?
VIOLA
About your years, my lord.
About as old as you are, my lord.
DUKE ORSINO
Too old by heaven: let still the woman take An elder than herself: so wears she to him,
Someone older that herself: that is how she wears to him,
So sways she level in her husband's heart:
So that she stays steady in her husband's heart:
For, boy, however we do praise ourselves,
For, boy, no matter how much we praise ourselves,
Our fancies are more giddy and unfirm,
Our feelings are more dizzy and unsteady,
More longing, wavering, sooner lost and worn,
More intense, more changing, more quickly over
Than women's are.
Than women's feelings are.
VIOLA
I think it well, my lord.
I think it good, my lord.
DUKE ORSINO
Then let thy love be younger than thyself,
Then let your love be younger than you,
Or thy affection cannot hold the bent;
Or your affection will not be able to last,
For women are as roses, whose fair flower
For women are like roses, whose beautiful flower
Being once display'd, doth fall that very hour.
Having been once displayed, fall that same hour.
VIOLA
And so they are: alas, that they are so;
And so they are: what a shame, that they are that way;
To die, even when they to perfection grow!
To die, even when they reach such perfection!
Re-enter CURIO and Clown
DUKE ORSINO
O, fellow, come, the song we had last night.
Oh, good man, come, sing that song we had last night.
Mark it, Cesario, it is old and plain;
Listen, Cesario, it is old and plain;
The spinsters and the knitters in the sun
The spinning women and the knitters in the sun
And the free maids that weave their thread with bones
And the weaving women
Do use to chant it: it is silly sooth,
Used to chant it: it is silly truth,
And dallies with the innocence of love,
And speaks of the innocence of love,
Like the old age.
Like the old age.
Clown
Are you ready, sir?
Are you ready, sir?
DUKE ORSINO
Ay; prithee, sing.
Yes, please, sing.
Music
SONG.
Clown
Come away, come away, death,
Come away with me, death,
And in sad cypress let me be laid;
And in a coffin let me be laid;
Fly away, fly away breath;
Leave me now, leave me now breath;
I am slain by a fair cruel maid.
I have been killed by a beautiful cruel young woman.
My shroud of white, stuck all with yew,
My shroud of white cloth
O, prepare it!
Oh, prepare it!
My part of death, no one so true
My experience of death, no one so true
Did share it.
Shared it.
Not a flower, not a flower sweet
Not a flower, not a sweet flower
On my black coffin let there be strown;
Be put on my black coffin:
Not a friend, not a friend greet
Not a friend, not a friend ever visit
My poor corpse, where my bones shall be thrown:
My poor corpse, where my bones will be thorn:
A thousand thousand sighs to save,
A million sighs to save,
Lay me, O, where
Lay me, oh, where
Sad true lover never find my grave,
No one can ever find my grave,
To weep there!
To cry there!
DUKE ORSINO
There's for thy pains.
Here's for your trouble.
Clown
No pains, sir: I take pleasure in singing, sir.
No pain, sir: I enjoy singing, sir.
DUKE ORSINO
I'll pay thy pleasure then.
I'll pay for your pleasure then.
The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) Page 389