Sir, in my heart there was a kind of fighting,That would not let me sleep: methought I layWorse than the mutines in the bilboes. Rashly,And praised be rashness for it, let us know,Our indiscretion sometimes serves us well,When our deep plots do pall: and that should teach usThere's a divinity that shapes our ends,Rough-hew them how we will,--
HORATIO
That’s for sure.
That is most certain.
HAMLET
When I was out to sea, I came up from my cabin and looked around in the dark. I found papers, which I took back to my own room, and discovered the King had ordered my death.
Up from my cabin,My sea-gown scarf'd about me, in the darkGroped I to find out them; had my desire.Finger'd their packet, and in fine withdrewTo mine own room again; making so bold,My fears forgetting manners, to unsealTheir grand commission; where I found, Horatio,--O royal knavery!--an exact command,Larded with many several sorts of reasonsImporting Denmark's health and England's too,With, ho! such bugs and goblins in my life,That, on the supervise, no leisure bated,No, not to stay the grinding of the axe,My head should be struck off.
HORATIO
Are you serious?
Is't possible?
HAMLET
Here’s the letter. Read it for yourself. But, let me tell you the rest.
Here's the commission: read it at more leisure.But wilt thou hear me how I did proceed?
HORATIO
Please.
I beseech you.
HAMLET
There I was trapped. So, I wrote a new commission. My education came in handy for I wrote like a diplomat. Do you want to know what I wrote?
Being thus be-netted round with villanies,--Ere I could make a prologue to my brains,They had begun the play--I sat me down,Devised a new commission, wrote it fair:I once did hold it, as our statists do,A baseness to write fair and labour'd muchHow to forget that learning, but, sir, nowIt did me yeoman's service: wilt thou knowThe effect of what I wrote?
HORATIO
Yes, of course, my lord.
Ay, good my lord.
HAMLET
I wrote an earnest plea from the King, with a lot of crap about the relationship between England and Denmark. I asked that the men delivering the letter be put to death without confession to a priest.
An earnest conjuration from the king,As England was his faithful tributary,As love between them like the palm might flourish,As peace should stiff her wheaten garland wearAnd stand a comma 'tween their amities,And many such-like 'As'es of great charge,That, on the view and knowing of these contents,Without debatement further, more or less,He should the bearers put to sudden death,Not shriving-time allow'd.
HORATIO
How did you seal the letter?
How was this seal'd?
HAMLET
Even God’s hand was in that as well. I had my father’s signet ring with me, so I used it to seal the letter. Then, I exchanged the letters. The next day our ship was attacked, and you know the rest.
Why, even in that was heaven ordinant.I had my father's signet in my purse,Which was the model of that Danish seal;Folded the writ up in form of the other,Subscribed it, gave't the impression, placed it safely,The changeling never known. Now, the next dayWas our sea-fight; and what to this was sequentThou know'st already.
HORATIO
So Guildenstern and Rosencrantz are in big trouble.
So Guildenstern and Rosencrantz go to't.
HAMLET
Yes, they are and it’s their own fault. They were just commoners caught in a fight between two powerful men.
Why, man, they did make love to this employment;They are not near my conscience; their defeatDoes by their own insinuation grow:'Tis dangerous when the baser nature comesBetween the pass and fell incensed pointsOf mighty opposites.
HORATIO
What a king Claudius is!
Why, what a king is this!
HAMLET
Don’t you think it is time for me to kill the king, who killed my father and made my mother a whore? Isn’t it time to put an end to him with my sword, and without damage to my conscience. And, wouldn’t I be at fault if I let this devil continue to bring evil to our country?
Does it not, think'st thee, stand me now upon--He that hath kill'd my king and whored my mother,Popp'd in between the election and my hopes,Thrown out his angle for my proper life,And with such cozenage--is't not perfect conscience,To quit him with this arm? and is't not to be damn'd,To let this canker of our nature comeIn further evil?
HORATIO
He’s going to find out soon what happened in England.
It must be shortly known to him from EnglandWhat is the issue of the business there.
HAMLET
It will be soon, but I have some time. I am very sorry, Horatio, for what I did to Laertes. I lost control when I saw his overplayed grief. His situation is very much like mine, and I am going to be nice to him.
It will be short: the interim is mine;And a man's life's no more than to say 'One.'But I am very sorry, good Horatio,That to Laertes I forgot myself;For, by the image of my cause, I seeThe portraiture of his: I'll court his favours.But, sure, the bravery of his grief did put meInto a towering passion.
HORATIO
Wait! Who’s there?
Peace! who comes here?
Enter OSRIC
OSRIC
Welcome back to Denmark, my lord.
Your lordship is right welcome back to Denmark.
HAMLET
Thank you, sir. Do you know this fellow?
I humbly thank you, sir. Dost know this water-fly?
HORATIO
No, my lord.
No, my good lord.
HAMLET
You’re lucky. He’s a great land owner, but he is a beast. He is treated well because he is wealthy.
Thy state is the more gracious; for 'tis a vice toknow him. He hath much land, and fertile: let abeast be lord of beasts, and his crib shall stand atthe king's mess: 'tis a chough; but, as I say,spacious in the possession of dirt.
OSRIC
My lord, if you have a minute, I have a message from the king.
Sweet lord, if your lordship were at leisure, Ishould impart a thing to you from his majesty.
HAMLET
Go ahead, sir. I will listen in rapture, but put your hat back on.
I will receive it, sir, with all diligence ofspirit. Put your bonnet to his right use; 'tis for the head.
OSRIC
Thank you, lord, it is very hot.
I thank your lordship, it is very hot.
HAMLET
No, believe me, it’s very cold. The wind is blowing from the north.
No, believe me, 'tis very cold; the wind isnortherly.
OSRIC
Yes, I think it is cold.
It is indifferent cold, my lord, indeed.
HAMLET
Yet, I think the air is hot and humid, which is bad for my skin.
But yet methinks it is very sultry and hot for mycomplexion.
OSRIC
Right, my lord, it is humid. But, my lord, the king wants you to know he has placed a large wager on you. This is the deal…
Exceedingly, my lord; it is very sultry,--as'twere,--I cannot tell how. But, my lord, hismajesty bade me signify to you that he has laid agreat wager on your head: sir, this is the matter,--
HAMLET
Please, go on…
I beseech you, remember--
HAMLET moves him to put on his hat
OSRIC
No, my lord, I’m fine, I swear. Laertes has come back. He is a great gentleman and very popular in society. If I may speak freely, I think he is the object of what a gentleman should be.
Nay, good my lord; for mine ease, in good faith.Sir, here is newly come to court Laertes; believeme, an absolute gentleman, full of most excellentdifferences, of very soft society and great showing:indeed, to speak feelingly of him, he is the card orcalendar of gentry, for you shall find in him thecontinent of what part a gent
leman would see.
HAMLET
Sir, I see you think very highly of him; you don’t have to list his finer qualities. I don’t even think you could break them all down. I doubt you can find a man as good as he.
Sir, his definement suffers no perdition in you;though, I know, to divide him inventorially woulddizzy the arithmetic of memory, and yet but yawneither, in respect of his quick sail. But, in theverity of extolment, I take him to be a soul ofgreat article; and his infusion of such dearth andrareness, as, to make true diction of him, hissemblable is his mirror; and who else would tracehim, his umbrage, nothing more.
OSRIC
You are right, my lord.
Your lordship speaks most infallibly of him.
HAMLET
Anyway, why are we talking about him?
The concernancy, sir? why do we wrap the gentlemanin our more rawer breath?
OSRIC
What, sir?
Sir?
HORATIO
Try it again.
Is't not possible to understand in another tongue?You will do't, sir, really.
HAMLET
What is the significance of us talking about him?
What imports the nomination of this gentleman?
OSRIC
You mean Laertes?
Of Laertes?
HORATIO
His ability to comprehend has vanished.
His purse is empty already; all's golden words are spent.
HAMLET
Yes, sir. Laertes.
Of him, sir.
OSRIC
I know you know Laertes…
I know you are not ignorant--
HAMLET
I know him well enough. So…
I would you did, sir; yet, in faith, if you did,it would not much approve me. Well, sir?
OSRIC
Then you must know how excellent Laertes is…
You are not ignorant of what excellence Laertes is--
HAMLET
I wouldn’t say I know what you are getting at.
I dare not confess that, lest I should compare withhim in excellence; but, to know a man well, were toknow himself.
OSRIC
I mean his known for his ability in fencing. No one is as good as he.
I mean, sir, for his weapon; but in the imputationlaid on him by them, in his meed he's unfellowed.
HAMLET
What is his weapon?
What's his weapon?
OSRIC
The rapier and the dagger.
Rapier and dagger.
HAMLET
Okay, that’s two; go on.
That's two of his weapons: but, well.
OSRIC
The king, sir, has bet him six of his finest horses and six rapiers and dagger with their carriages.
The king, sir, hath wagered with him six Barbaryhorses: against the which he has imponed, as I takeit, six French rapiers and poniards, with theirassigns, as girdle, hangers, and so: three of thecarriages, in faith, are very dear to fancy, veryresponsive to the hilts, most delicate carriages,and of very liberal conceit.
HAMLET
What are carriages?
What call you the carriages?
HORATIO
I knew you were going to be stumped before we were done.
I knew you must be edified by the margent ere you had done.
OSRIC
The carriages are the sheaths to put the swords in.
The carriages, sir, are the hangers.
HAMLET
I would not use the word carriage. It sounds like you are carrying a canon on your side. I’ll call it a hanger. However, that is a mighty steep bet. What is the bet upon?
The phrase would be more german to the matter, if wecould carry cannon by our sides: I would it mightbe hangers till then. But, on: six Barbary horsesagainst six French swords, their assigns, and threeliberal-conceited carriages; that's the French betagainst the Danish. Why is this 'imponed,' as you call it?
OSRIC
The king, sir, has bet that Laertes cannot beat you by three hits in a dozen rounds. If you’ll accept, we can start right away.
The king, sir, hath laid, that in a dozen passesbetween yourself and him, he shall not exceed youthree hits: he hath laid on twelve for nine; and itwould come to immediate trial, if your lordshipwould vouchsafe the answer.
HAMLET
What if I say no?
How if I answer 'no'?
OSRIC
You should tell them yourself.
I mean, my lord, the opposition of your person in trial.
HAMLET
Sir, I will walk here in the hall, and if it pleases the king, he can bring on the gentleman. I will do what I can to win the bet. If I don’t, then I will only be slightly embarrassed.
Sir, I will walk here in the hall: if it please hismajesty, 'tis the breathing time of day with me; letthe foils be brought, the gentleman willing, and theking hold his purpose, I will win for him an I can;if not, I will gain nothing but my shame and the odd hits.
OSRIC
Shall I go tell them what you said?
Shall I re-deliver you e'en so?
HAMLET
Certainly, tell them whatever you want.
To this effect, sir; after what flourish your nature will.
OSRIC
I am at your service.
I commend my duty to your lordship.
HAMLET
And I am at yours.
Yours, yours.
Exit OSRIC
He must commend his service, himself, because no one else will.
He does well to commend it himself; there are notongues else for's turn.
HORATIO
He is kind of nutty.
This lapwing runs away with the shell on his head.
HAMLET
Yes, but he has gathered enough around here to get him by. But, he still is what he is.
He did comply with his dug, before he sucked it.Thus has he--and many more of the same bevy that Iknow the dressy age dotes on--only got the tune ofthe time and outward habit of encounter; a kind ofyesty collection, which carries them through andthrough the most fond and winnowed opinions; and dobut blow them to their trial, the bubbles are out.
Enter a Lord
Lord
My lord, the king has talked with Osric and wants to know if you are ready or if you need more time.
My lord, his majesty commended him to you by youngOsric, who brings back to him that you attend him inthe hall: he sends to know if your pleasure hold toplay with Laertes, or that you will take longer time.
HAMLET
Whenever.
I am constant to my purpose; they follow the king'spleasure: if his fitness speaks, mine is ready; nowor whensoever, provided I be so able as now.
Lord
The king and queen are coming.
The king and queen and all are coming down.
HAMLET
In their own sweet time.
In happy time.
Lord
The queen wants you to speak with Laertes before you begin.
The queen desires you to use some gentleentertainment to Laertes before you fall to play.
HAMLET
She always has some instructions for me.
She well instructs me.
Exit Lord
HORATIO
You will lose this wager, my lord.
You will lose this wager, my lord.
HAMLET
I don’t think so. I’ve been practicing since he went to France. The odds are in my favor, but I still feel something is not quite right. Oh, well.
I do not think so: since he went into France, Ihave been in continual practise: I shall win at theodds. But thou wouldst not think how ill all's hereabout my heart: but it is no matter.
HORATIO
This is not a good idea…
Nay, good my lord,--
HAMLET
I know it’s foolish.
It
is but foolery; but it is such a kind ofgain-giving, as would perhaps trouble a woman.
HORATIO
If you feel like something is not right, just say the word, and I’ll stop the match.
If your mind dislike any thing, obey it: I willforestall their repair hither, and say you are notfit.
HAMLET
No way! I don’t put a lot of faith in superstitions. If it’s God’s will, then so be it.
Not a whit, we defy augury: there's a specialprovidence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now,'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will benow; if it be not now, yet it will come: thereadiness is all: since no man has aught of what heleaves, what is't to leave betimes?
Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, LAERTES, Lords, OSRIC, and Attendants with foils, & c
KING CLAUDIUS
Come Hamlet and shake hands.
Come, Hamlet, come, and take this hand from me.
KING CLAUDIUS puts LAERTES' hand into HAMLET's
HAMLET
Forgive me, sir. I’ve done you wrong. I’m afraid I was crazy. If I were in my right mind, I would have never committed such a heinous act. My madness is my true enemy. Please, know that I would never harm you intentionally.
Give me your pardon, sir: I've done you wrong;But pardon't, as you are a gentleman.This presence knows,And you must needs have heard, how I am punish'dWith sore distraction. What I have done,That might your nature, honour and exceptionRoughly awake, I here proclaim was madness.Was't Hamlet wrong'd Laertes? Never Hamlet:If Hamlet from himself be ta'en away,And when he's not himself does wrong Laertes,Then Hamlet does it not, Hamlet denies it.Who does it, then? His madness: if't be so,Hamlet is of the faction that is wrong'd;His madness is poor Hamlet's enemy.Sir, in this audience,Let my disclaiming from a purposed evilFree me so far in your most generous thoughts,That I have shot mine arrow o'er the house,And hurt my brother.
The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) Page 537