I wanted to explain that my situation was different, that I was his best friend, but instead, I just said, “Okay, thank you,” and hung up. Customer service didn’t care about my sob story.
I couldn’t believe that Jake would think of me that way. I mean, maybe he hadn’t wanted more than friendship, but he did want that. He’d stood in my yard and begged me for it.
I was still determined to make the call so I dialed him from my prepaid and got another recording, “We’re sorry, the party you are trying to reach is not taking calls at this time.”
I tried from my home phone, same message. Then it dawned on me, and I sank into my recliner. This is what it feels like to be cut off.
Chapter 15
When Ty got home that night, I held him so close I didn’t want to let go. Julie noticed that I had been crying and opted to spend the night. She’d said it was because it was late, but I knew it was because she was worried about me. She’d undoubtedly seen the interview and all of the other celebrity news swirling around on television. Plus, I guess because of what all had taken place years ago, she thought I was always on the verge of a mental break. I was beginning to wonder if she was right.
When I’d cried today, I hadn’t just cried for Jake. I cried for my mom. I cried for Ty missing out on meeting my mom and his dad. I cried for George. I cried for myself. I cried for all the events that had deserved tears over the past several years. I just cried.
I had never had the opportunity to mourn any of the losses I’d experienced. When George split, my mom had become sick a week later. I had stayed in the hospital with her, around the clock, until she died. I’d blamed myself for not recognizing her symptoms earlier, because maybe if I had, she would have made it. And with my professional background, I should have, but I had been too caught up in George to give a second thought to her symptoms. I had been too selfish. Then before I could mourn her, I had found out that I was pregnant, and I was so attached to the pregnancy, from the beginning, that I was afraid if I over stressed I would miscarry, so I put all of those feelings on the back burner.
So maybe I was depressed sometimes, but was that so unexpected after what I had been through? Some would be fit for a straitjacket after that series of events. I refused to let the circumstances own me, and I thought that said something.
I was willing to admit that the Jake situation was taking its toll. I could see now that that had been the reason why Julie was so resistant to Jake. She had been afraid of me putting myself in such a vulnerable position.
I still couldn’t believe he’d sent me the message that said he would always be there, and then had cut me off. Maybe that had been his was of “showing me.” If that was the case, he had succeeded. I felt it. It hurt.
Julie and Ty were asleep in his bed by eight. The woman was truly a saint. I covered them up and went to my room. After tossing and turning for hours, I turned on the TV. If nothing else, the entertainment network seemed to be all Jake, all the time, so at least I could keep up with him there.
There were still shots of him at LAX with Joan by his side. It seemed he had completely tuned out the media. This was unfathomable yet intriguing to them since he had always embraced them humbly. They showed a video clip of him walking through the airport and Joan tugging at his hoodie, trying to get him to make a statement or maybe pose for a photo, but he completely disregarded her.
Maybe using the media tactic had been a mistake on my part. He probably blamed them for our predicament. I should’ve taken another route. I should’ve talked to him.
He’d told me in Las Vegas that the public saw him as sexy because that was what they wanted to see. I had used the media as a means to push Jake away, and he’d believed it because that was what he wanted to believe. He’d been afraid of it since the first time we were together.
One photo in particular, in the collage they were showing on TV, captured his expression, and I pressed pause on the DVR remote to examine it. He was bitter, angry. I had done that to him.
I pressed the off button and flopped back down in the bed. I could apologize if I could just get to him, but he had cut me off. I knew I could go to Momma Lewis and ask for her help, but I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t have been comfortable getting her entangled in the mess I’d made.
Around midnight, I decided to let this go. All I could do was to continue what I had been doing for the past five years and keep moving forward. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.
Ty was up bright and early as usual, but Julie closed my bedroom door so I could sleep in. I was so grateful for her. I took advantage and slept for another two hours. When I got up at seven, I went straight for the coffee pot. Ty was playing with his trucks on the floor, and Julie was at the kitchen table with the newspaper.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked without looking up.
“Not really.”
“Are you going to be okay?”
I took a long sip of my coffee and gazed out the kitchen window. “Yeah, I think we’ll power through.”
“Will you tell me one thing?”
“Okay,”
“Why did you push that man away? He seemed to care about you.”
“I thought we weren’t talking about it.”
“Honey, I just have to know that you are capable of being happy. I worry that you don’t think you deserve to be.”
“I was happy.”
“Yeah, when?”
“With Jake, I was happy when he was here, just like I was happy before he came.”
She laughed. “You weren’t happy before. You were getting by. There is a difference.”
“Well, getting by is better than feeling like this,” I mumbled. At that, she laid down her paper.
“Getting by isn’t real, Kate.”
“Please, Aunt Jules…” I rubbed my face and looked back out the window, trying to get off of this topic.
“Honey, I love you. I just want you to open yourself up to being happy. If Jake made you happy then why—”
“Did you not witness the circus of crazies that followed us around town? I mean—”
“With all you’ve been through, you could’ve handled that. They would’ve backed off eventually. You would’ve had to stick by him for a little while, but it would’ve calmed down.”
“Yeah, that’s just what I need, another person to take care of.” I brushed her off with a lame excuse because I couldn’t tell her the truth. I couldn’t tell her about how my past would ruin him. Maybe someday, but I didn’t think I could hold it together if I had to tell the whole story.
“A good man takes care of you too. In a healthy relationship, you take care of each other, Kate.”
“You know, I thought I had a good marriage, and we all see how that turned out, so excuse me if I’m a little gun-shy.”
“Really? You really thought that George and you had a good marriage?”
“Well, yeah….”
“You kept everything separate. You never shared anything. You didn’t even know each other for goodness sakes. Anyone who was close to the two of you could see that you worked well around each other, but you never worked together.”
“Does this have a point?”
“The point is, smart ass, I don’t think you know what it feels like to really share your life with someone. I think everything in your marriage to George was like a business transaction, including when he cashed out. Since then you’ve holed up in this house with Ty and shut out the entire outside world.”
“I have not!”
“Okay, when was the last time you went on a date with a man? She peeked at me over her coffee cup.
“Just because I don’t date doesn’t mean that I shut out the world.”
“Fine, when was the last time you went out with your friends?”
“I’m busy! I have a job and a baby.”
“No, ma’am, don’t you dare blame Ty. I have him every other weekend, and you know I would keep him more if you had plans, but you don�
��t want a social life. And that job…don’t even get me started on what a waste that is.”
“Why are you bringing this up now? You’ve never had a problem with my job before.”
“Because I think you’re ready to hear it. After years of watching you waste your God-given talent wearing that pink nightmare of a uniform, I’m telling you to get a real job. Get a career, get a social life. Being a waitress is a good, honest living, but you’re hiding there!
“Kate, I love you; you know I do. I’m saying this because you need to hear it. Surely you don’t think that this is as good as it gets, right? Tell me that you’re just stuck and that this isn’t your plan. This isn’t what your mom would want for you.”
I gave her a look that let her know that had stung. “What’s wrong with this plan? I get to actually raise my child instead of paying someone else to do it, and I get to make sure he gets what he needs!”
“You can do both! You don’t have to work full time or go to school full time if you’re happy with your income, but you can’t hide from life forever at that diner, Kate! Even if you worked part time at the hospital or a doctor’s office, you would make twice the money you’re making now, and you would be doing something you love! Do you know how many people would kill for that? You can do what you love, and you’re good at it!”
“I didn’t know you cared about my job so much,” I said sheepishly.
“I care about you. In the past five years I haven’t seen you smile the way you did in Huntsville with that fella. If you’re not ready for a relationship, fine, but I think it’s high time you get back on track somewhere, even if it’s just your career.”
I considered her and nodded. “I’ll look around,” I told her. She jumped out of her seat and hugged me enthusiastically. “Don’t get too excited. It’s not going to be easy to find a good part-time job with benefits. Everyone isn’t as lenient as Joe.”
“At least you’re trying. That’s a start.”
I put my arms around her and hugged her back. I didn’t know why she was so good to me. It felt good to know how much she cared, even if that meant she told me what I didn’t want to hear sometimes. That was really what separated the people who loved you from the rest of the world. They could only bullshit you so much before they had to tell it like it was for your own good.
She squeezed me tight then let go. “Go get dressed for church. Ms. Lewis will be waiting for you.”
I almost slumped at the thought of Momma Lewis. She would want to know if I had talked to Jake.
After Julie left, I slipped on a church dress with flats. I couldn’t wear heels when I was tending to Ty. He kept me running. He didn’t stay in nursery, unless it was my turn to keep it, because the other girls, try as they may, just couldn’t handle him.
Momma Lewis was sitting in the front pew when we arrived. She scooted over to give us room. “Did you call him?” I nodded but didn’t elaborate, and she didn’t probe. I guessed she would hear Jake’s side soon enough.
Ty and I left after singing and headed back to the house because that was about all he would allow. He was in “go” mode.
I debated whether or not to cancel our lunch with Momma Lewis but decided to go ahead. She would ask for the details of the phone call eventually. I would have to tell her at some point, no reason to put it off.
The house smelled delicious when we walked in. Ty went straight for the refrigerator magnets and began to organize them by color and size.
“I just got them messed up.” She laughed. She rearranged them every week so he would have something to do while we talked. She even hid a few around the kitchen to keep him occupied. He’d done it enough to know what was missing and where to look. “Grab that can of hominy from the pantry and get it in a bowl for me, honey.”
We made light conversation throughout the meal until she just couldn’t hold back anymore. “So, how’s the man in your life?” she asked.
“I don’t have one.” I looked at the floor.
“Oh, I thought you two would have patched things up by now.”
I didn’t want to make her the go-between so I just said, “We will. It’s just going to take some time.” She sent me a sympathetic look. “Are you expecting him back for Christmas?”
“If he knows what’s good for him. He better not miss Christmas with his family. What do you have planned?”
“We’ll just go over to Aunt Julie’s after we do Santa. All my cousins will be there.”
“You should stop by here before you go.”
“Maybe…” I mulled it over. It would give me a chance to talk with Jake and explain everything.
“Jake wants me to fly out to Los Angeles for his award ceremony. I’m as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs! I hate to fly, but I don’t think I can say no this time. It means a lot to him.”
“It does,” I agreed. “It’s a big deal. I’m really proud of him.”
“Me too,” she said. “Maybe you should go…”
“Me? No.” I laughed. “I wasn’t invited. Besides, you should be there. He has a really good chance of winning. You don’t want to miss that.”
“You’re right. I guess I’m just going to have to get me some of those ‘don’t care’ pills and do it.”
“It won’t be as bad as you’re thinking.” I tried to persuade her because I knew Jake wanted her there so desperately. He’d mentioned it the night we went out to dinner. “It will be fun, and you’ll get to get all dolled up and meet all the movie stars!”
“I wouldn’t mind meeting that Magic Mike fella.” She winked, and I burst into hysterics. I couldn’t imagine Momma Lewis watching that movie. “What? I’m middle-aged, not elderly. I remember how to admire a good-looking man. Shoot, I could probably show him some moves.” She started the electric slide, and I couldn’t help but join her.
Ty ran up with a picture in his hand, interrupting our dance. “See momma!” he yelled. I took it from him. It was a photo of Jake and me, but it wasn’t just any photo.
“Where did you get this?” I asked. “Where did he find this?” I turned to Momma Lewis.
She took the picture from me. “I went through some of my albums after you left the other night. This one caught my eye. I must have left it out.” She handed it back to me. “That was an emotional day.”
“Yeah,” I said, staring at the picture. I sat down remembering the moment. It was a photo of Jake and me the first time we saw each other after the World Trade Center attacks. He had been up in Connecticut at Yale. It was too close. When no one could get a call through to him, I drove up. Eventually we found each other, and this photo was taken.
I ran my thumb over the photo. We had loved each other so much, maybe not in the sense that I loved him now, but we did love each other. It was never a brother/sister kind of love but always an “I don’t know what I would do without you” sort of love. A friendship beyond anything words can describe. Looking at the picture made me think I had been in love with him all along.
“Katie”—Jake’s mom touched my shoulder—“are you all right, honey?”
“I just miss him. I miss who we were together.”
“I miss who you were together too.”
That night I took my computer to bed. I looked through the want ads half-heartedly. I had promised Aunt Julie I would do so. Even though I didn’t expect to find anything that remotely fit my needs, I looked anyway.
I scrolled through a few sites, and something caught my eye. It was an ad for a part-time physician’s assistant at an outpatient clinic. The chances were slim that I would fit their criteria because my degree was in radiology, but I sent a resume anyway.
Before I could stop myself, I was Googling Jake. Several search results popped up, but it was the row of photos in the center of the page that I was after. I scrolled through them one by one. Some of them were posed shots, but the ones that had just been snapped were the ones that captured him. There was a photo of him walking a mixed breed dog, anot
her of him walking out of the grocery store, his dark hair caught in the breeze.
I closed my laptop, sliding it over on my bedside table before I got too caught up. I was about to turn my lamp off when I noticed a red envelope poking out from the top drawer.
The birthday cards…
Chapter 16
I opened the first card hesitantly. I’d gotten one each year since George had been away. There were five total. I hadn’t read a one of them. I wasn’t sure what good could come of reading them now, but after seeing that photo of Jake and me, remembering how much we once cared about each other, I felt like I had to. I opened the first one. On the left, blank side of the card, he had written a note.
Dear Katie,
Please forgive me for not being there for you when you needed me. I know it must have been the hardest thing you’ve ever had to go through. I wanted to be with you. I wish I had been. I went by your house, but you weren’t accepting visitors. I would really like to discuss this in person. I’ll be in town next month, and I hope you’ll see me now that George is gone.
Anyway, I don’t want to bring you down on your birthday. I’m enclosing a check because I’ve been making good money, and I want to share it with you. Go buy yourself something nice, and think of me whenever you look at it.
Waiting anxiously for your call and missing you like crazy,
Jake
I ran my fingers along the indentations his penmanship had made on the stationery. I opened the next card.
Dear Katie,
We haven’t spoken in years, but I can still hear your laugh as if it was just yesterday. Mom told me that you’d moved back into your mom’s old house, but that you don’t want to see me. I’m trying to respect that, but it’s not easy. I drove by there this past December when I was in town. I just wanted to explain my absence at your mom’s funeral last year.
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