by Ari Rhoge
“Lizzy.”
Her shoulders slumped. “Some prick cut me off, and claimed he didn't see my left turn signal. It was 50-50, and insurance is covering all but the cracked windshield — roughly 450 dollars that will come out of my pocket. —— Can we go back inside and eat waffles?”
“You couldn't have told me that in the first place?”
Lizzy shrugged.
Charlotte shook her head. “Let's go eat breakfast.” Lizzy beamed, and hopped from the trunk. Charlotte gave her a light shove. “Why are you such a fuck-up?”
“Oh, you love it.”
She punched in the security combination on the keypad to the building, and held the door open for Lizzy. “Is Jane all right?”
“She's more than all right,” Elizabeth said, over her shoulder, smirking. “Girlfriend got herself a date.”
“What?” laughed Charlotte. “With who?”
“Best friend of the prick who smashed into us,” said Lizzy. “He is tall, ginger, dimpled, and laughs at her corny jokes. Oh, and rich.”
“Motherfucker.”
“I know.”
“I want to be Jane.”
“Don't we all?”
• • •
Will Darcy was crouched low in front of a winding staircase, prodding at a loose wooden floorboard that met the first step. He jabbed at it with the end of his pencil, made a face, and wrote something disparaging on his clipboard. Behind him, a woman in a black business suit fretted nervously. She immediately looked up when Charles Bingley came out of the kitchen, eating an apple.
“Hi, Margaret.”
“Mr. Bingley.”
“Charlie,” he corrected, with a smile.
“Right.” Margaret cleared her throat. “Is he — is this man…”
“Oh, don't let Will bother you, Margaret. He's just looking for reasons for me to not buy this property, despite that I've had this building evaluated 23 times, and already signed the lease,” Charlie said, smiling cheerfully.
Will Darcy shot up. “What? Then what the hell are we doing here?”
“I was hungry.” Charlie shrugged, and took a bite out of his apple. “And it was on the way.”
Darcy opened his mouth to say something entirely inappropriate, took one look at Margaret, and closed it again.
In the car, he made no attempts to conceal his annoyance. He slammed the keys into the ignition, and backed out of the driveway so quickly that he nearly hit a trash can.
“Maybe I should drive, in light of your recent accident,” Charlie suggested.
“I can't believe you bought the Brooks residence, Charlie, against all legal advising,” Will said.
Charlie shrugged.
“Why?” Darcy asked.
“It's so cute, and it's by that lake thing, and the neighbors seem nice. My father said that I needed to get a new office here, with all that construction going on at the Netherfield B&B.” Charlie explained. “I bought it on an impulse.”
“You buy Altoids on an impulse, not a townhouse.”
“Well, technically, I'm renting it out.”
Darcy raised his eyebrows.
“Dude, come on. I'm stuck in this town for the next six months. I didn't ask to be in charge of the Netherfield project,” Charlie pointed out. He paused to take a bite out of his apple, and Will waited patiently for him to stop chewing. “I figured I might as well enjoy myself while I'm making the biweekly checkups to Netherfield. Rent out a charming little Colonial townhouse, breathe in the ol' country air.”
“Instead of choking on the bus and taxi emissions in New York,” Darcy said, dryly.
“Exactly,” Charlie said, grinning.
“And this has nothing to do with that girl you met two weeks ago…” Darcy sounded skeptical.
“Oh, come on, Will, don't be such a dick. Jane lives at least an hour away.”
“And you would know this because…?”
“I, uh, saw her three times last week,” Charlie mumbled. Darcy rolled his eyes, and Charlie added, “and I'm seeing her again tonight.”
“This is fair. I have to pay an ungodly sum of money for that accident, and you hook up with a pretty blond.” Darcy shook his head.
“Life must suck for you,” Charlie said, through a mouthful of apple. “Hey, if you're lonely, my sister would be happy to take you out to dinner.”
Darcy shot him a look.
“Are you lonesome tonight…” Charlie began to purr Elvis lyrics.
“Oh, fuck off,” he said, laughing.
“Shit.” Charlie slumped back into the passenger seat. “Shit, shit, shit. Speaking of Caroline — today's the 12th, isn't it?”
“Yeah.”
“Caroline said she would visit me today. She's bringing Rhiannon. —— Okay, you may actually have to take them out to dinner. I will pay you to take them out to dinner, Will.”
“Does this make you my pimp, or something?” Darcy asked.
“You're disgusting. —— No, but yeah, take them out. I really want to spend the evening with Jane.”
“No,” he said, simply.
“Please?” Charlie pouted. “Please.”
“I would rather taser my face than be alone with your sister and her best friend.”
“You're killing me,” Charlie moaned, burying his face in his hands. “What's the alternative?”
“Ask Jane if she would have them over for dinner, too?” Darcy suggested, sarcastically.
“No, no, no. That would be a terrible imposition.”
“You think?”
“Might as well ask, though.” Charlie got his phone out. “Just to be sure.”
Darcy sighed, and shook his head. He changed lanes briefly, then took a right onto the next street. “Only you get away with this sort of shit, I swear. And she's going to eat it up too, because you're Mr. Nice Guy.”
“If she says yes, you're coming, too.”
“What?”
“What other plans did you have this Friday night, away from the city?” Charlie asked, with a smirk.
“I was just planning to get drunk and fall asleep on my couch, watching a movie with violence in it,” Darcy muttered. “You know, like the ones where something explodes but the protagonist just keeps walking forward without looking over his shoulder.”
“Sometimes I just feel sorry for you.”
Darcy stared at him, with irritation.
“Come on — be a friend. Jane's sister will probably be there. —— Eh? Eh?” Charlie elbowed him, encouragingly. When Darcy didn't say anything, he laughed. “Aha! Struck a nerve. I knew you found her attractive. She was cute. I'm glad you stopped denying it.”
Darcy raised an eyebrow. “Nothing special there, Charlie.”
He rolled his eyes.
• • •
“—and then he called saying that he might have to cancel tonight because his older sister is coming in from the city with her best friend and I was on a hospitality roll and I invited them all to my place before I realized that my apartment is tiny and yours is bigger and can I please, please, borrow your life for an evening?” Jane finished, her blue eyes saucer wide.
Charlotte stared at her friend in the doorway, a toothbrush protruding from her mouth. She held up one finger, and disappeared down the hall into the bathroom to rinse out her mouth. Then she returned, and shrugged. “Yeah, that's fine. I won't be here tonight anyway. Jeremy and I are going to a club.”
“Avoid open booze,” came a disembodied voice.
“Thanks for the advice, Lizzy,” Charlotte hollered.
“You're welcome!”
“What's she doing?” asked Jane, curiously.
“God knows. Probably making sock puppets for Reading Hour on Monday,” said Charlotte. “I helped her for last week's class, but she won't let me anymore because I made a Gene Simmons puppet. She thought it would scare the kids.”
“Typical.”
“I know, right?”
Lizzy hauled a basket of laundry into the living ro
om, and held it against one hip. “Let Cleaning Friday commence! —— Oh, hey, Jane.”
“No, no, no!” Jane whined. “Lizzy, can you please not upturn your apartment this evening? Can we just surface clean?”
“Jane, I have to legitimately clean this time. It's been weeks. We only surface clean when people come over, and I don't know how many more items of clothing I can stuff into the coat closet. I think there's still a minibar in there from last time,” Elizabeth explained. She looked from Charlotte to Jane and asked, “wait, is someone coming over?”
“Charlie is,” said Jane.
“Cool! He won't care if the apartment's messy.”
“And… his sister, her best friend, and that Darcy guy.”
Lizzy's smile disappeared. She set down her laundry basket, and crossed her arms thoughtfully. “I am going to smack a bitch.”
Charlotte smirked.
“Charlotte, I'm going to the club with you.”
“No, you can't!” Jane pleaded. She squeezed her sister's shoulders. “Please, Lizzy, I'm begging you. I really like Charlie — and the only way I can be alone with him for a second is if you hang out with everybody else!”
“Why can't you just reschedule?”
Jane hesitated.
“That didn't even occur to you, did it,” said Elizabeth, plainly.
“Not really, no. But I already made baked ziti and bruschetta.”
“Fine,” Lizzy groaned. “Fine. I'll be here.”
“You realize she only agreed because you mentioned food, right?” Charlotte grinned.
Jane squeaked, and hugged her sister tightly. Lizzy, displeased, let her arms dangle. “The things I do for you guys.”
“Please — you practically wrecked my car.”
“Oh, come on, Charlotte — let it go.”
4
—
How to Be a Perfect Hostess
To everyone that knew her, Jane Bennet was affectionately known as Mary Poppins. Yes, she was practically perfect in every way — but, actually, the similarity was drawn from her unthinkably large bag.
Jane pulled three Tupperware containers from her purse, then a bottle of Yellow Tail. Elizabeth made a face, and craned her neck to see. “Go on — I just want to see if you have a Keebler elf in there.”
Jane glared. Lizzy grinned. She took a sip of her beer before offering it to her sister, who hesitated before accepting it. “Why not,” Jane said, sighing. “My nerves are shot.”
“Relax, Janie. They'd be stupid not to like you. Scratch that — they would be inhuman not to like you,” Elizabeth assured her.
Jane smiled, gratefully. “I love you. Thanks for cleaning up.”
“No need to thank me.” Lizzy hopped off the counter, and opened the fridge. “I figured Charlotte and I would suffocate in our stank of leftover Chinese food and dust bunnies eventually.”
“That's another thing I want to talk to you about,” Jane said. She tucked a strand of blond hair behind an ear, and turned around.
Lizzy closed the fridge, suspiciously. “You ordered Chinese food?”
“No,” said Jane. “Lizzy, you know I love you…”
“Uh-huh.” She arched an eyebrow.
“Tonight, can you just be… you know… nice?” Jane asked. “I know I don't have to ask you to be nice to Charlie. But please be nice to—”
“That asshat he calls his friend,” Elizabeth finished.
Jane sighed, evenly. “He's not that bad.”
“I'm sorry, were you there when he insulted my driving, my appearance, and my intelligence?”
“Yes, but—”
Lizzy gave her a withering look.
“Okay, fine — he's a bit of a douche,” Jane admitted, giving Lizzy cause to laugh. “But you of all people know that there's usually some sort of backstory there. Why else would he be friends with somebody as nice as Charlie?”
“Blackmail —— jealousy,” Elizabeth suggested. “Also, if Charlie happens to murder somebody, he has a scheming Suit at the scene of the crime to tidy everything up for him.” Lizzy's eyes lit up for a moment. “Darcy's like that guy in Munich who gets rid of all the evidence!”
“Are you actually insinuating that the guy I'm seeing is a murderer and his best friend is the cleaner?” Jane said, dryly.
“Yeah.”
Jane rolled her eyes.
Lizzy sighed. “Fine — I'll try to be on my best behavior.”
“Thank you.”
• • •
It turned out that Will Darcy was the least of Lizzy's problems. In fact, it was surprising to find out that Charlie held such poor company. His sister and her best friend made it exceedingly difficult for Elizabeth to hold her promise to Jane. But she still tried. When that door opened, Lizzy fixed on her most winning polite smile to greet the guests. Only two women stood in the hall.
Caroline Bingley was pretty in a willowy, carved-cheekbones kind of way. She smiled at Jane. “You must be Jane. —— I'm Caroline. This is my friend, from New York — Rhiannon.” The brunette beside her looked up, and adjusted the Chanel purse at her hip.
“Like the song?” Lizzy piped up. “Rhiannon? Fleetwood Mac? Stevie Nicks?”
Rhiannon looked at her, coolly. “No. I don't know who that is.”
And there's goes my attempt for the night. Lizzy wondered if they could open the wine now.
“This is my younger sister, Elizabeth.” Jane moved aside. “Oh, God — where are my manners? Please come in!” Caroline gave her coat to Jane, who hung it up on one of the hooks. She also took her umbrella. “I didn't realize it was raining out.”
“Pouring,” Caroline said, sighing. She was finger-combing her bright red hair. “The boys are trying to find parking. They should be here soon.” She looked around the living room. “Cute,” she said, in a way that mildly suggested otherwise. Lizzy raised her eyebrows. Jane didn't pick up on it.
“Oh, would you like to see the rest of the apartment?” she said, smiling cheerfully.
Rhiannon and Caroline exchanged looks. Caroline smiled back. “Sure, Jane, dear, lead the way.”
Lizzy took the opportunity to slink off into the kitchen. The plates were stacked up on the kitchen table, silverware in a glinting pile beside it. The table could seat only two or three people — six was pushing it. Jane had agreed with Lizzy's suggestion to make dinner buffetesque, which now, in light of their new guests' tastes, seemed like a less-than-impressive idea. Lizzy shrugged, and peeled the plastic wrap off a plate of risotto. Whatever — they'll get over it.
The door suddenly slammed, and Lizzy looked up. She heard laughter.
“You said we could share the umbrella,” came a deep and agitated voice.
“I thought about it,” joked Charlie. “But I didn't want you to get the wrong idea. Bromances can be pushed only so far.” Lizzy listened. There was a pause, then the sound of a mild scuffle. “Ow!” said Charlie. “I think you wrinkled my shirt.”
“Good.”
Charlie's phone started ringing. He sighed. “Look — go into the kitchen and ask for a towel. I think Jane's in there. I'll be there in a second.”
Lizzy decided it was time to leave. After all, if she avoided Will Darcy she could successfully avoid letting him know what she thought of him. But he moved faster than she anticipated, and they nearly collided in the kitchen's doorway.
“Jesus!” Elizabeth jumped back in surprise.
“Sorry,” Darcy muttered.
“Yeah, well, you should—” Lizzy looked up, and closed her mouth. Darcy was staring at her, puzzled. She thought it might have been the rain that made him irritatingly good-looking at that moment — what with the ruffled, damp dark hair, and those arresting blue eyes. Aw, shit.
“I should… what?” Darcy prompted.
“You should…” Lizzy toyed with her ponytail, and looked around for any helpful suggestion. “Eat.”
“I should eat,” he echoed.
“Yeah. Food. Because… we have it,” El
izabeth tried. “Jane made dinner.”
Darcy looked at the table, silently. Then he looked back at Elizabeth. “Listen — I need a towel.”
Lizzy crossed her arms over her chest.
“Please,” Darcy added, with a short sigh.
“Linen closet is in the hall, next to the bathroom.”
He nodded, and turned around.
Elizabeth glared at his back until a thought occurred to her. I didn't insult him. I didn't insult him! She marked a tally in her mental win column. “Maybe I can actually uphold this promise tonight. Check me out.”
• • •
Within 15 minutes, she managed to call him a delusional hypocrite.
They were sitting in the living room. Lizzy sat with her back against Jane's armchair, her long legs crossed at the ankle in front of her. A plate of risotto rested in her lap, and she held a second beer in one hand. The other was used for pointing at Will Darcy, who had just been insulted for his taste in movies.
“Woody Allen is the king of the moody, neurotic New Yorker movies,” Lizzy insisted. “You're from New York. What is that?”
“He's overrated,” Darcy insisted. “And I've only lived in New York since college. It's not where I'm from.”
“Will grew up in Connecticut,” Caroline corrected, patting his knee briefly. They were all packed like sardines on the loveseat — Rhiannon, Caroline, and Darcy. Rhiannon and Darcy seemed uncomfortable, but Caroline was perfectly happy. She smiled at Darcy, who made a micro expression similar to a smile but not quite — either way, it faded in an instant.
“Our uncle lives in New Haven,” Jane said, conversationally. “Lizzy and I were there a few summers back. It's really pretty there. Where did you live, Will?”
“Bridgeport,” he muttered.
“Is it nice?”
“Yeah.” That effectively closed the conversation. Jane smiled and nodded, and Elizabeth rolled her eyes. It's easier to hold a conversation with a coffee pot, I swear. She looked at her sister, who was trying to be her amiable, sweet self. Charlie looked annoyed as well.
“Does anybody want more wine?” Jane asked.
Caroline lifted her glass. Rhiannon handed Jane an empty plate, as well as Caroline's, which had been only half cleared.