by Eli Ingle
“He already is rusty!” complained Rona. “Look at him! And you named him Rust Bucket! What do you expect?”
“Hey, I didn’t name him Rust Bucket,” retorted Laurie. “That’s the name he came with!”
“Well whatever, he still looks like a pile of junk. I can’t see why anyone would want him.”
“Will you just be quiet and try and get him started?”
“Okay, fine, fine. Sorry.”
Rona and Rigel peered closer at the robot.
“Should think so … Right okay, so you open that flap and pour the water in until you can see it coming almost to the top. Now stop. That’s it, and shut the flap again … good. Now, see this little sliding door underneath? That’s the one. Open it up and look inside.”
“It’s full of coal dust,” commented Rigel, wiping soot from his chin. Rona scooped her hand inside and threw a handful at him. He scowled at her amid furious coughing.
“Come on you two, behave,” said Laurie, not really concentrating on them. “That’s right. You put coal in there and set it on fire. Keep the fire stoked to warm the water up quicker. That way Rust Bucket will be able to operate sooner.”
Tink passed him several lumps of coal, which he placed into the area under the water tank. Pumping a handle next to the sliding door, Rigel filled the chamber with gas and ignited it. Soon the little area was full of the warm glow of fire as the coal caught light. Laurie sat back down on one of the discarded chairs.
“Now we just have to wait for it to all heat up,” he said, sighing.
“Wait a minute,” said Rona. “Are you seriously telling me that there is a robot here that is going to work on steam power?”
“I thought you’d already figured that out … but if not, then yes. Yes there is.”
“That’s ridiculous!”
“Oh, it is?”
“Yes! Robots don’t run on steam power.”
“Oh really?” asked Laurie, crossing his arms. “Then what are they supposed to run on then?”
“They’re supposed to run with computer chips,” she said.
“What’s that?” asked Tink, looking interested.
“Er,” stammered Rona. Her knowledge seemed to falter at this point.
“Ah!” said Laurie, pointing. “So you don’t know!”
“I do know I just … er, forgot?”
“Nice try.”
“I know what a computer chip is,” replied Rigel. “They’re from my world. I was telling Rona about them the other day. They go in things called computers, which are machines that people can use to do things like write documents or calculate sums or look at pictures of cats.”
“How does that relate to robots?” asked Laurie.
“They put them in robots to make them work,” he replied. “So I am interested to know how this can work without them.”
“Well, it has valves and pistons in,” said Tink. He pulled out a stick and pointed to various areas. “That controls its movement. There are other devices inside. They respond to sound, which allows it to carry out tasks. To be fair, it only came through the post this morning so we don’t know that much about it.”
“Isn’t it really dangerous to just give it to us, then, if you don’t know anything about it?” asked Rigel.
“Possibly,” Laurie replied, shrugging. “But we won’t know until we’ve tried it.” He was checking the pressure gauge on the back of the robot, tapping it slightly. “It shouldn’t be long now,” he said. “There’s almost enough steam in there.”
“Oh good.”
They all sat around, waiting for something to happen. They could hear the noise of the water in the robot beginning to boil, sending steam through the valves and pipes inside, heating up the little elements to work properly.
“Nearly there,” commented Tink, tapping the gauge a final time. There was a faint ping! and the robot’s eyes suddenly opened.
“Ooh, that’s creepy,” said Rigel.
The robot rolled its eyes and blinked before turning its head in a 360 degree circle. This did not help the unsettling appearance. Its eyes settled on Laurie.
“Msss, ssss,” it said, its mouth unsynchronised with the words. It looked like a character in a badly dubbed foreign film.
“What was that, sorry?” asked Laurie.
“Massss, ssss,” it attempted again. Its head spun fast in a circle whilst a jet of steam spouted from its mouth. “Master!” it said triumphantly. Laurie jumped backwards and fell over a chair. Clawing himself back to his feet, he addressed the robot again.
“Er, hello?”
“Hello, Master,” replied Rust Bucket. “My apologies for the delay in my speech, the valves in my throat had not properly heated up but are now fully operational. Thank you for your patience.”
“No problem,” replied Laurie, keeping a safe distance away. “So you got here alright?” Rigel could see he was struggling but had no words of help to offer – he had no idea what to say to it … it was a robot!
The machine did not answer but seemed to be considering its response. Mechanical clicking could be heard inside its body.
“My apologies, Master. My records are unable to respond to a humorous comment as humour is subjective. Are you attempting to make a joke?” it asked.
Rigel was surprised. He had always imagined robots to have ‘robot’ voices like the words of a sentence stitched together that never sound quite right. This one was different, however. Whilst it did have the tinny tone of a robot voice, it merged the words together fluidly enough that it almost sounded natural. Laurie blinked.
“Er, no, I wasn’t making a joke – I was just asking you if you got here alright,” he replied, looking put out.
More clicking.
“I see. However, Master must know that A: I am fully operational, indicating that any faults in my process of getting here are immaterial as I am presently here, and B: I did not get myself here but was in fact delivered in the post by other people. Therefore the question, ‘Did I arrive safely?’ is invalid or an attempt at humour.”
Tink was laughing.
“It got you there, didn’t it?” he asked.
“Shut up, Tink,” snapped Laurie. “You try and ask a nice question and this is what happens,” he muttered. “Do you know why you’re here?”
“Does Master refer to my purpose in life and therefore the reason for my existence or does Master mean the reason I have been posted to you for this job?” asked the robot.
“Oh for heaven’s sake! The second one.”
More clicking.
“Then I do not know my purpose here,” replied the robot. “As I have not been suitably programmed yet.”
“Talk about a nightmare,” groaned Laurie.
“‘Nightmare’: a type of dreaming, usually associated with negative influences or experiences that may often reflect a disturbed state of mind at the time of the occurrence,” replied Rust Bucket.
“No, you stupid robot! I didn’t mean … oh never mind! Tink, will you program him properly, please, before this gets out of hand?”
“Certainly.”
Hurrying over with his screwdriver, Tink opened the back of the robot and began altering the settings. Rust Bucket’s eyes crossed slightly.
“See if you can stop him making wisecracks as well,” muttered Laurie.
“I have only one speech code program,” said Rust Bucket, “and that can only be altered by my creators.”
“Can’t we get them to do it, then?”
“Unfortunately that will not be possible. My creator’s services are currently unavailable.”
“Why?”
“Due to an unfortunate error in my programming, I misunderstood a command and accidently killed my creator.”
“You what?!”
“Yes. It was unfortunate as it was not my intent to do so.”
“What did he ask that made that happen?”
“He said: ‘Please pass the butter
’.”
“And why did that mean you killed him?!”
“As I previously mentioned, there was an error in my programming that led me to believe incorrectly that the response would have a certain outcome.”
“Great …”
“It was unfortunate as his nieces were also present at the time.”
“Oh Lord …. Well look, are there any other incorrectly programmed commands we need to know about? We don’t want to ask for a cup of tea and you burn down an orphanage.”
“So long as Master does not ask ‘Where are the cucumbers stored?’ then there should be no problem.”
“Well, what does asking ‘Where – ’ … asking that question do?”
More clicking.
“I would rather not say.”
“Right. Fine. It’s not as if I want to risk asking just to find out.”
“Very well.”
They sat in silence as they waited for Tink to finish programming the robot for them. Rigel, however, was feeling uneasy.
“I don’t trust the robot,” he said.
“Whilst I am unable to experience emotion,” said Rust Bucket, “I am aware that such comments are likely to be derogatory towards me.”
“Sorry, Rust Bucket, just saying.”
Laurie and Rona were nodding.
“I do know what you mean,” admitted Laurie, “but I can’t think of an alternative. We need to have you supervised and this is the easiest way without having to put one of us on nanny duty.”
“I suppose,” mused Rona. “But what if it does something bad?”
“What do you mean?”
“It just told us it accidently killed its master when it misunderstood a command. You can see why they’re banned in a lot of sectors. So, what if it goes wrong?”
“I don’t know. I guess we can only hope that it doesn’t.”
“Right, but if it does then I’m making sure you get the blame for it.”
“Alright, alright!”
They finished watching Tink programme the robot, linking wires and charging up several valves.
Finally he finished and stood up straight.
“There, all done.”
“What have you done to it?”
“It’s programmed now so that Rigel and Rona are its Masters rather than you, Laurie, and I’ve also programmed it to follow them round. Its main objective is to keep them safe so there shouldn’t be too much trouble. Apart from anything else, it should be impossible for it to hurt them, as that would go directly against its orders.”
“That sounds excellent! Good job, Tink,” commended Laurie.
“Just so long as it works,” said Rigel. “Remember what happened to its old master? I’m sure it wasn’t supposed to hurt him either.”
“Well, we’ll have to hope not. We’ve done all we can.”
“I suppose so,” said Rona.
“It feels weird,” said Rigel. “Where I came from, they were always making robots but they weren’t ever any good. Then I get here and look at this!”
“Well, weird or not, here it is,” grunted Tink as he stood up. “Go on then, you hunk of junk.” Rust Bucket did not move so Tink gave it a whack with his spanner. It whirred slightly and moved over to where they were standing. It made a slight movement as if to tip a hat on its head that was not actually there and then stood, waiting for orders.
“What am I supposed to do?” whispered Rigel.
Tink shrugged. “It’s up to you. It follows you two now.”
Rigel walked over towards the window. Rust Bucket followed him. He walked around in a circle. The robot still followed. He walked over to Rona, grabbed her hand and ran around the room with her. The robot followed them resolutely, even though its mechanisms would only let it work at half the speed that they could go. Nudging Rona, Rigel pointed, indicating that they should walk in different directions. Rigel walked to the window; Rona walked to the door. Rust Bucket’s head turned both ways as it tried to determine who to follow.
After a moment of indecision its head spun in a full circle and its arms pulled out of its body, like coils on a reel. Hands grabbed both Rigel and Rona by their collars and brought them together again with a slight thud.
“Looks like we shouldn’t have too many problems keeping them together then,” Laurie laughed as the children rubbed their heads.
“So, what are you doing that’s so important that it means you can’t go around with us?” asked Rigel.
“We’ve been assigned to locate more Light Ones,” replied Laurie. “It will take a lot of time – calculating the route and everything could take weeks on its own, so we’ll be very busy.”
“It sounds exciting though,” smiled Rona. Rigel nodded.
“It is indeed, dear children.”
“Right,” said Rigel after a pause. “Can we get off then?”
“You might as well. Oh, wait a minute!” Laurie called, stopping them at the door. “I’ll just arrange for someone to collect you; then you can be verified at reception. That way you won’t have to go through that debacle every time.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
They walked down the central staircase in the middle of the building, Rust Bucket following methodically behind them, until they reached the reception.
In the hallway they were greeted by an official in the usual military outfit. He smiled at them as they finished descending the stairs.
“Rigel and Rona?” They nodded. “Great, we’ll just get you verified and then you can go on your way. Does that sound okay?” They nodded again. “Great. If you’ll just step through here? Great. Now, put your hands on there … that’s it.” He pressed a button. The palm of Rigel’s hand went very hot, and then very cold. “And if you could do the same, Rona? Great. There we go … Yes, it does feel a little strange, doesn’t it? Okay, and I’ll just give you these ….” He handed them two passes with their names written on. “Those will let you in one of the mechanised doors or through the main reception if the system is down. Okay? Great. Well, off you go then.”
“Thank you,” they said.
“No problem. Bye now.”
They left through the main reception, although they kept having to stop, first because Rust Bucket had difficulty getting through the barriers, and then because it was so much slower and kept holding them up.
“Sorry, kids,” it panted, finally catching up to them.
“It’s alright, Rust Bucket,” said Rigel.
They continued walking until they were back in the street. The sunlight still warmed their faces but it was beginning to take a lower cast in the sky, hinting that it was halfway through the afternoon. The robot had caught up with them again.
“Please call me Rusty,” it said, standing next to them.
“I beg your pardon?”
“Please call me Rusty. I don’t like Rust Bucket – it’s what my old masters began calling me towards the end. It wasn’t my fault though – they never oiled me!”
“Never mind Rust B – Rusty. We’ll call you that if you want,” said Rona.
“It’s not that I want to be awkward,” it continued. “But Tink somehow managed to program affection into my circuits. I have affection towards you children and wish to look after you.”
“I didn’t realise that could happen,” said Rigel, feeling surprisingly touched.
“Neither did I … but it did,” it said. It then asked, in what could almost be described as a shy voice, “Would you mind calling me Uncle Rusty?”
“Of course not,” said Rona, kissing him on the head.
“Thank you,” it said, his circuits giving his cheeks the appearance of being tinged with pink. “And could you stop referring to me as ‘it’?”
“Yes. Sorry about that.”
“It’s fine … so where are you going?”
“We’ve got a press conference in half an hour,” said Rigel. “But I’m not sure where it is or how to get there ….
”
“Give it here. The paper. Give it here.” Rusty held out a hand. Rigel handed the sheet of paper on which the location and details of the conference were printed. He fed it into a slot at the top of his chest. There was a mechanical whirring as the paper was sorted out; then Rusty’s eyes lit up. “The conference will occur in Porter’s Place. It will take forty minutes by foot, thirty minutes by bike, fifty minutes by dog, ten minutes by flying device, thirty-five minutes by running, twenty minutes by tram, fifteen minutes by Wurger way, five minutes by external tube, or two minutes by cannon blast, although that is calculated to result in death.”
“Er … ” was all Rigel could manage to say.
“What’s Wurger way?” asked Rona.
“A system of underground water ways that run across the city,” replied Rusty.
“That sounds like the best option,” reasoned Rona. “We’ll get there not too early but early enough to be prepared beforehand.”
“Very well,” replied Rusty. “I calculate that the nearest station is two minutes’ walk away. Come, children.” Holding out both of his hands, he held onto the children like a nanny and led them through the streets until they arrived at a set of steps leading underground. Smoke occasionally billowed from within, puffing up into the air beyond.
“It’s going to take you ages to get down there,” Rigel told him.
“Incorrect,” Rusty replied. He lifted his legs up higher until two ski-like devices shot out of his feet. Sliding to the edge of the steps, he rocked forwards until he was at the correct angle to slide down and shot down the stairs with a heavy rattling and clanging noise.
“Well that’s one way of doing it.”
A crash and a squeal floated up towards them. The children looked at each other before hurrying down after Rusty. They arrived at the bottom a few minutes later to find the robot on top of an old woman who was trying to escape but was being crushed.
“Sorry, madam,” said Rusty, waggling his legs uselessly. “I was not programmed to stand myself up again.”
“Stupid machine!” she screamed. “Get it off me!”
Rigel hurried over and pulled Rusty to his feet, whilst Rona helped the old woman back up.
“I really am so sorry,” she said.
“Damn kids. You probably thought it was funny to knock a pensioner over, did you? Well you were very wrong. Shame on you!” She hurried off, muttering darkly to herself as she climbed the stairs.