I meander inside my house, half not wanting to leave him and half in a daze over what just happened. I have no idea how things stand between us. He likes kissing me but he didn’t ask for my number or ask to hang out again or ask me out on a date.
What gives?
I peruse my fingers over my puffy lips and my grin returns.
Who cares how we left things?
My entire body is still tingling from his touch. I hooked up with Ryan. I’m so pumped, I take the stairs two at a time but careful not to wake my parents.
I plow through my door and belly flop right on the center of my bed sinking slowly into my feather down comforter, grinning like the Cheshire cat.
Brett Dixon
Friday, 10/11
DAMNIT BRETT!
WHY did I let my anger get the best of me?
WHY WHY WHY
I just destroyed everything. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t even know she was going to be there. I got caught off guard. She wasn’t even trying to see things from my perspective. I just got SO frustrated and I’ve been so stressed out lately.
She hates me. She hates me. SHE HATES ME. I did the exact thing I told myself I didn’t want to do. I hurt her. How could I have yelled at her like that? That’s not me. That’s not the person I want to be.
And that bastard, Ryan. I mean RYAN, of all people. The guy is a total ass. Sure, he seems nice but he’s just going to use Ramona for sex. He only ever hooks up with girls. He’s not the right guy for her. He’s going to hurt her. I can’t believe she would fall for his antics. She deserves so much better.
I’ve ruined it. I screwed up so bad. I’ve ruined our entire friendship and I’ve sure as shit hell ruined any chance for us to be together. What’s wrong with me?
I made her cry tonight. I know I did. She didn’t shed a tear in front of me but as soon as I walked away I could hear her cry. I never want to see her cry. I never want to be the reason she cries. I want to take back everything that happened. Everything I did and said.
I have no idea how to fix this. Any suggestions, Mr. Chan?
My memories of her have been flooding back to me. They make me feel closer to her. They bring me home even in my self-loathing.
Oh my god...
I can’t believe I forgot our first dance in middle school. Jimmy had no problem dancing with every girl, to the fast songs and the slow ones. Naturally, he never got nervous around them. Veronica, who I don’t think even went through an awkward stage, got asked to dance for every slow song. Ramona would hang out with me when she wasn’t asking the guys to dance. I loved that about her. And we all danced poorly to the fast songs.
Nobody was dancing with me and I was too afraid to ask any of the girls. I heard Ramona talking to Daphne and she asked if Daphne would dance with me. Daphne said that she wouldn’t be caught dead with a pimply brace face. After Daphne said that I remember Ramona telling her that she wouldn’t be caught dead being friends with someone so mean.
She hasn’t really liked Daphne since then. For the rest of the night Ramona and I danced to a few slow songs and she hung out with me by the punch table while we discussed strategies on how we were going to beat Jimmy and Veronica on Playstation’s X-Games.
I guess that’s what she expected from me. She expected me to be as good of a friend to her as she has been to me all these years. Even though we haven’t talked a lot or hung out in the last three years, she’s never stopped caring about me. And there’s no way I could ever stop caring about her. I’ve just forgotten how she’s always been there for me, whether I knew it or not.
I never told her that I heard what she said to Daphne that night.
How could I forget about that?
CHAPTER 15
WE DIDN’T HAVE SCHOOL Monday due to Indigenous People’s Day (kudos to Emmy who actually got the school to change the name from Columbus Day). Tuesday was Teacher Preparation Day, a day for the teachers to get caught up with grades and prepare for the remaining semester. Sucks for the teachers, major blessing for the students.
Dad and I lounged around on Saturday, ordered Chinese food and listened to a bunch of records. He played some Cat Stevens[7], Joni Mitchell[8], Judy Collins[9], and (my favorite) Creedence Clearwater Revival[10] for me on the record player.
Mom slept almost the entire day Saturday. I was afraid that she didn’t get out of bed because of the fight they had but Dad said she was sick and was taking food and ginger ale up to her and checking on her periodically. Dad said he spoke to her last night after I left for the game. He told me that she’s going to start seeing a therapist and a new doctor. He hopes that she’ll start to get better soon. He seemed pretty confident that it will all work out.
Sunday night, we had Family Night. We got Italian food for dinner (fettuccini alfredo––yum) and then went to a movie and ate way too much popcorn.
Yesterday, Mom took me shopping. It’s something we haven’t done in a long time. I wear my uniform, like, eighty percent of the time so I don’t have much need for clothes. Sadly. She bought me a new pair of galoshes (exciting, I know) and a gorgeous nightgown that begs to be seen. It was nice spending time with her (sober) and not tucked away in the house.
All-in-all, it was a pretty stellar weekend.
Now, walking into school, my anxiety is through the roof, knowing I have to face Ryan and Brett. I feel like I could faint or puke.
Or faint then puke.
Or puke and faint at the same time.
Any combination is a gruesome possibility.
“HEY!” I feel two hands land heavy on my shoulders. I let out a deep-throated scream. “Jeez, Bean, relax, it’s just me,” Veronica says, spinning my body to face her. Everything about her is shining. Her face, her hair and her entire body are all radiating with energy. It suits her well. Then again, everything does.
“I hung out with Chase again on Monday! Oh my god, Ramona,” she tilts her head back and squeals. We’ve barely spoken since the lacrosse game Friday night. The first bell rings and I jump a foot in the air. “Ramona, what’s wrong? You’re all jumpy, oddly quiet, and practically chewing a hole through your lip. What’s up?”
“We have so much to talk about but I’m freaking out right now about seeing Ryan. And Brett. I think I’m going to lose my mind.”
“Okay, calm down. Tell me what’s going on. Did Ryan talk to you at the game? Did Brett say something? What’s going on?” She takes my elbow in hers. Veronica walks me to class elbow-in-elbow. It’s a two-month tradition that already feels like home. She frowns and in a gently concerned voice says, “Bean, you’re, like, green…are you going to be okay?”
Faint, puke, lose my mind.
Lose my mind, puke, faint.
Puke, lose my mind, faint.
I take a deep breath in and out.
“Lunch. We have to go hide at lunch and I’ll tell you everything,” I manage to tell her quickly before the second bell rings.
“Okay. Wait, why are we hiding?”
“Veronica, lunch!” I squeal in a frenzy.
“Okay, okay,” she says, holding her arms up in innocence. I walk in to History just as the bell rings.
My heart drops to my feet at the mere sight of Ryan. He’s wearing his white long-sleeved oxford uniform shirt with the cuffs rolled up just below his elbows. He’s leaning back in his desk flicking his pen. The normalcy of it all calms me. He leans forward to rest his elbows on his desk. His shirt tightens with his movement and I can see the strong contours of his back.
Perhaps I was freaking out over nothing. I immediately come to my senses and reason that when it comes to seeing Ryan, I’ve been on edge for no reason. He was really sweet and took care of me after the game. Maybe he’ll ask for my number today. I decide to play it cool and talk to him after class and see how the rest of his long weekend was.
The rest of History is as dull as Father McEwin’s sermons. On the way out, I try to catch Ryan so I can say hi. Instead, he walks right past me and push
es his way out the door without even acknowledging my existence. He leaves me in his dust feeling like somebody stomped on my guts––a complete naïve fool.
Come on, Ramona. That kiss meant nothing to him. He was just trying to comfort you. Grow up.
I slump like a wilted flower all the way to Calc. My entire being is down in the dumps. I can’t believe he didn’t even look at me when I started to say hi. He squished my confidence into oblivion.
I meekly lift my head up as I walk through the door and Brett is staring right at me. He does a double take then turns back to the front of the classroom, completely expressionless. He messed up and a “sorry” won’t make up for him cussing me out and not standing up for Jimmy. I take a seat by Jet because (of course) there is no other option. I mind my business hoping he’ll do the same.
But he doesn’t.
Of course he doesn’t.
Not today.
“Aw, what’s wrong, Bean? Find out your boyfriend, Jimmy, is a fag and that you’ve been sucking off a queer this whole time?” he boldly asks.
My back stiffens and my body begins trembling slightly. I bight my lip, determined to keep my emotions and temper in check. Tears sting my eyes and utter defeat takes over. If I blink now the tears will come pouring out.
I have zero defense.
Zero words.
Zero energy.
Zero determination.
Zero confidence.
Zero, zero, zero–
“Back off, McCoy!” I look up to see Brett on the edge of his seat staring intensely at Jet.
“Chill out, Brett. I was just kidding around. Right, Ramona?” I don't move except to blink. Sure enough, multiple tears spill over.
“What’s going on? Ramona, are you okay? Do you need to go to Nurse Ehsani’s office?”
Mr. Kovsky asks from his desk in the corner of the room, finally noticing us. I nod my head. “Brett, can you walk Ramona to the nurse?”
Brett takes in a deep breath and starts blowing it out through puffed out cheeks just as I choke out, “I–I can go alone.”
“Brett, please? She looks pale and I don’t want her to pass out on the way,” Mr. Kovsky insists. Brett nods and stands. I manage to stand up even though I feel weak and exhausted. Brett follows me out the door.
As soon as I step out I release a sob and the tears pick up to a soft cry. I attempt to wipe my tears and cover my mouth at the same time.
Brett walks steadily next to me as I walk in defeat toward the nurse’s office. He throws his head back as if I’m making him do something grueling and it makes me cry harder. I want to tell him to go back to class, that I don’t need him.
But the lump in my throat doesn’t allow words to come out.
“Ramona,” he says softly. He closes the gap between us and puts his arm around my back and tugs me in for a hug. I want to push him away but I have no fight left.
I cry into his chest.
The second I breathe in his scent of pine trees and fresh wood, I melt. I want to be devoured in his smell. My legs turn to mush and I swing my arms around his neck to keep from collapsing.
I need my friend back.
Being in his arms feels natural and safe, like I’m exactly where I need to be. The last of my tears are still trickling down as I tilt my head up to look at him. He brushes the tears away with his thumb. He looks at me with soft pleading eyes. It’s the closest I’ve been to him since we were kids and I notice that his eyes are lighter than I remember. They’re the color of melted caramel with a few dark speckles. They are gentle and inviting. My eyes venture to his mouth.
Our lips come together slowly and delicately. He opens his mouth to smoothly brush his tongue inside and it sends a thousand bolts of electrical currents throughout my entire body. It gives me a new found energy that I’ve never experienced before. The feel of him sends sensations that pulse through the most private parts of myself.
The feeling is so intense…
And addicting.
My fingers run through his thick, dark, curly hair and he lowers his kisses down to my neck. I let out a heavy sigh and squeeze my arms around him even tighter, bringing us even closer together.
He leans his head back a few inches and then abruptly stops, dropping his hands from me completely. He takes my arms from around his neck and places them at my side. His eyes turn from soft hazel to a cold emotionless stare with a tight jaw.
Oh no. What have I done? Is he mad at me?
Just as I’m about to ask what’s wrong a voice booms down the hallway at us. I practically jump out of my skirt for the third-billionth time today.
Thank heavens, he isn’t mad, it’s just Mrs. Novoa.
“What is going on?” Mrs. Novoa shouts, power walking toward us just like Mrs. R at lunch the other day. There’s a fierce sense of impending doom any time a teacher power walks. “This is unacceptable behavior at school and anywhere. What would God say, Mr. Dixon? Ms. Scott?”
She looks at us as if we were actually naked and going at it like animals.
I can’t believe she’s bringing God into this right now, as if I don’t feel guilty enough. My thoughts are far more sinful than my deeds.
I wonder if God cares about that.
Now is probably not the time to ask Mrs. Novoa if thoughts can also be sins.
We both lower our eyes to the floor in shame. I half expect her to make us drop to our knees and give her ten Hail Marys.
“Two days detention for you both. Go back to your class and keep your hands to yourself. This isn’t a zoo.”
We turn and begin our walk of shame. I glance at Brett only to find the same cold expression on his face. Right before we walk back into the classroom his cold words hit me like a snowball to the face. “You should at least try and cover what’s left of the hickey on your neck.”
My heart, which is still screaming in my abdomen, stops beating as he continues in the classroom.
Oh. My. God.
I forgot that Ryan gave me a hickey. I thought it was faded enough by now to not be noticeable.
The lump in my throat comes back and I sit back at my desk, straightening my collar to cover as much of my neck as possible.
Daphne.
I completely forgot about Daphne.
That’s probably what he’s upset about. He kissed a girl that isn’t his girlfriend. I can’t believe I’ve become that girl.
I owe Brett nothing but I can’t help myself from feeling guilty about my hickey. My real concern right now is that I almost feel guiltier about him seeing my hickey than I do about kissing him. As soon as I was in Brett’s arms, I forgot Ryan even existed. I forgot everyone existed. It was just Brett. He consumed me. I’ve never felt that way, not even when I was kissing Ryan Friday night.
My guilt cloud lowers and engulfs me.
***
“RAMONA, MAYBE YOU SHOULD go home. You look like crap. No offense,” Veronica tells me as we sit side-by-side in the library during lunch. They don’t allow food in the library so we grabbed our lunch and snuck it in our school bags and took cover in the corner of the non-fiction section.
“No. I just need to eat,” I lie. I feel awful so I’m sure I look even worse. I would love to go home, but I don’t want the absences nor do I feel like answering to my mom.
I can’t tell her what happened with Brett an hour ago. She would see it as an act of betrayal. Rightfully so. I’m supposed to hate him.
I do hate him.
I want to hate him...
I also want to be all over him.
Stop, Ramona!
It was so selfish and I really didn’t mean for it to happen. Nobody ever has to know. Brett won’t say anything because Daphne would most likely kill me. Our secret is safe for now and it needs to stay that way.
Veronica rests her head on my shoulder. “Bean, I’m really sorry about Brett on Friday night. I shouldn’t have left you there to fight my battle.”
“It’s our battle. We’re all a team and friends have e
ach other’s backs.” She nods her head. “So how did it all end? How did you and Brett end things?” I thought I knew that Brett and I ended our friendship on the field that night but after today, I don’t know where we stand. He kissed me just as intensely as I kissed him. It was mutual, no doubt, but I don’t know where his head is.
I tell Veronica all about Ryan instead and her jaw drops half way through the story. She spends the next few minutes with her both of her hands covering her gaping wide mouth. Now that I’ve told her, my stomach remains in knots because, like Brett, I have no idea where things stand with Ryan either. I’ve never had a boyfriend, or a hook-up buddy. I haven’t ever had this kind of male attention before. Maybe that birthday morning pep talk did a lot more than I thought it would.
“And he just walked by you without even saying anything?” Veronica asks, in disgust.
“He didn’t even look at me. It was like I didn’t exist. Oh, and to top it off, Mr. K told me before class ended that Ryan won’t be in tutoring today.” I let out a heavy sigh.
She can tell I’m sad so she changes her tone. “Well, maybe he feels awkward or nervous.”
“He wasn’t nervous when he had his tongue in my mouth,” I pout through a frown.
“Come on, don’t over think it. Just wait it out and go with the flow.”
“Go with the flow? You know I don’t know how to do that. Never have and never will.”
“I’m telling you the same thing you told me. Go with flow, Ramona Bean. Take things as they come and stop analyzing every little thing. It’s giving you wrinkles.”
“Thanks, Jimmy,” I tease her.
“Hey, when the kid is right, he’s right. You don’t want to age prematurely. Just relax a little. Try not to get too invested in him,” she insists.
After, Veronica vividly tells me all about Chase’s "silky soft dark skin and honey colored eyes.” She tells me that she’s going out again with him this weekend. He’s taking her to the movies and dinner. I’m happy for her but I’m also a little jealous.
My thoughts and emotions are like a 2,000 word puzzle with the pieces all scrambled out on the table.
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