Life Is Not a Reality Show

by Kyle Richards

  He started reaching for my hand, and the guy I was with, whom I’d known for years and who was really more like a friend, said, “I’m going to have to ask you to take your hand off her!” And that did it, they started fighting.

  Then Mauricio jumped up and said, “Do you need any help?”

  It was kind of hilarious! I waved my hands rather dramatically and said, “No, no, please! Let me handle this!” I told them to stop, announced that I had to go, and marched out.

  I had my date take me right home, because after that scene I figured I’d made my point, and I didn’t want Mauricio to think I was ending up in someone else’s bed.

  Then I just waited. I estimated the phone would be ringing in about twenty minutes. Sure enough, tick tock tick tock, the phone rang, and it was Mauricio. “Are you okay?” he said.

  “Oh, yes,” I sighed. “It was just a very awkward situation, just terrible.”

  Then he explained to me that before he’d met me he’d been kind of seeing a girl in Mexico whose family was close to his parents. He’d invited her to L.A. before he met me and didn’t know what to do about it. He told his mother, “I’m in love with Kyle and now I have this girl coming!”

  She told him to be a man of honor and take her out with his friends and explain the truth to her.

  So that’s what he did. The girl was at his table that night.

  I tortured him that night and the next day and then decided that was enough. The rest of the weekend I was with him and his friends again.

  When you’re dating, it’s important for a man to understand that he hasn’t captured you. He can’t assume that you’ll be waiting for him if he chooses to ignore you. If you have to explain that to him in his language by showing up in a hot dress and walking right by him arm-in-arm with someone else, then so be it!

  No matter what, make it clear that your life goes on, with or without him. And believe it yourself!

  CHAPTER 4

  The Job’s Not Over Once You’re Hired

  I always tell my husband that being married is like taking care of a plant. It has to be watered every day, and you cannot ignore it. My husband and I can’t take each other for granted, and we both have to tend to our relationship every single day.

  In other words, ladies, your work isn’t done once he puts a ring on it!

  As I told you earlier, my best tip for a successful marriage is to make sure you get the right guy to the altar. But even with the greatest guy in the world, sustaining a marriage and making sure it grows and thrives and blossoms requires effort and devotion from both of you.

  Later on I will speak to what he needs to do (since sometimes a little bit of instruction is necessary, especially if you marry very young). But before we get to that, I want to tell you what I’ve learned in my own marriage—actually in both of them—about how a woman can water that plant and make sure the romantic bonds stay healthy and strong. Sometimes you’ll want to dig up the whole garden and stomp away, but stick with it!

  Okay, enough with the plant metaphor. Now I want to go back to the idea that selecting a mate is a lot like hiring someone for a really important job. Earlier we concentrated mostly on your role as the hiring manager, but it’s actually a mutual process. He’s also deciding whether or not to hire you. Once you’re married, congratulations—you got the job!

  But the job’s not over once you’re hired. In many ways it has just begun.

  I did not understand this in my first marriage. I was too young and immature at eighteen to even be married, frankly. I married a good man and a good father, and we’re still very friendly. In fact, he and Mauricio even became friends! But when I married him, I didn’t understand the kind of commitment that was required of me. I thought, “Okay, I’m married, now everything will fall into place and I’ll live happily ever after.” No, marriage is work. The best work you can have, but still work! You have a lot to learn, and you have to apply that knowledge to your relationship. You have to commit to proving day after day that you’re still the best one for the job!

  Once I had my daughter Farrah, I learned right away that being a mom came very naturally to me, even at such a young age. But being a wife was extremely challenging. Every time something went wrong, I thought, Oh, I’m outta here, done, finished. Growing up with divorced parents made me think you could always just leave. I didn’t have the tools to grasp the point of marriage—that no matter what, you’re in this for life. You’re building a family. You stick together.

  I was bored at times too. My husband was quiet and shy and liked to play golf, and I found myself living the life of an older person, though I was just a kid. All my friends were starting college and here I was home nursing a baby. I didn’t even know how to make meals for someone. I thought, Do I have to do this every day? Oh my God, about the only dish I could come up with was tuna fish sandwiches!

  What I eventually learned was that not only do you have to choose a good partner; you also have to be ready to step up and be a good partner yourself. You have to embrace commitment. It’s the most vital part of a real union and essential for creating a family.

  A big part of that commitment is providing support and encouragement to your spouse. Everyone needs to be nurtured, and I believe it’s important to build up your husband as much as you can. I’m always reminding Mauricio how smart he is and how proud of him I am. It’s important for him to have that confidence to succeed in life. I see so many mistakes in marriages when women—and men—don’t support one another or work hard to build each other up.

  And it does go both ways—your man should be your biggest cheerleader. I really needed that from Mauricio after my mom died. She was a very big support system for me; she made my sisters and me feel that we could do anything in the world. After she died and I lost that, I was suddenly going, “Wait. Hello! Somebody tell me I’m wonderful!” Mauricio did come through for me, but I didn’t leave it to chance. I told him what I needed.

  You can’t expect your husband to magically figure out what you’re thinking. Don’t get mad if he doesn’t read your mind or divine your emotions. Sometimes you just have to tell him. I have said to my husband, “You know, sometimes I need you to acknowledge more of what I do as a mom, juggling four kids and trying to keep it all together, trying to look good.” When I’m explicit about what I need, I give him a fighting chance to supply it! Remember, men don’t have the same kind of emotional intuition that women do, the sensitivity that comes along with our natural roles as mothers and caregivers. So work with him to help him understand what you need and what will make you happy.

  * * *

  He Said, She Hears

  I’ve noticed that we women often have our own interpretations of what men say. For example:

  » He says, “I’m falling for you.” She hears, “Will you marry me?”

  » He says, “I can’t see you tonight. I’m going out with the guys.” She hears, “I’m dumping you and going out to pick up women!”

  » He says, “Why don’t you go out and buy a little something?” She hears, “Max out the credit card!”

  * * *

  Clear communication may not be easy. When I first married Mauricio, it was a real struggle to help him better understand me. In any marriage couples have to go through a period of learning about each other and about themselves, and it can be rough at first. For us, our youth made it particularly difficult. When we married, he was suddenly not just a husband but also a father to Farrah, and soon after that, we had a child together, Alexia. So it was the two of us, a seven-year-old, and a newborn in a two-bedroom apartment—and Mauricio was only twenty-six.

  Sharing chores was a very challenging part of our relationship in the beginning, and he took a long time to learn. I had to tell him, “Excuse me, you need to be here helping me. I cannot do this all by myself!”

  I vividly remember one day when I was pregnant with Sophia and could not stop throwing up. I literally had my head in the toilet and the other two kids were waiting
for me to make lunch. My husband came in and rubbed me on the head and said, “I feel so bad for you, honey. You must feel awful. If you need anything, call me. I’m going to the golf course!”

  Oh. My. God. I said, “If you walk out that door, do not come back!” Ha-ha! And then I called his mom and said, “You better tell your son if he ever does that to me again, he’s going to be a very sorry man, because as much as I love him I will not tolerate that.” My mother-in-law is wonderful; she’s always got my back!

  One time Mauricio did go out to golf or do his thing, whatever it was, at a very—shall we say—inopportune moment. I had just had one of the babies, so I was hormonal, and I believe at that time my mother was dying, and all of it was making me feel overwhelmed. I think I’m generally pretty grounded considering how I grew up, but I definitely have that fiery, Irish side in me. Usually it makes my husband laugh—unless there’s a shoe flying by!

  Yes, that day I just lost it. When he came back from his little outing and walked through the door, I picked up a heavy clog and winged it at him. He ducked, then laughed at me and said, “What are you doing?”

  I have for the most part outgrown that kind of behavior, and I never let my kids see that side of me. But when you’re working out the bumps early in your marriage, you can have those moments. So my suggestion to you is this: don’t wait until you’re ready to start throwing things at him! Tell him what you need, and that will help smooth things out.

  * * *

  Mauricio likes to tell people, “My wife understands that I wear the pants in the family… She just picks what color, what size, and which ones I put on in the morning.” Ha-ha!

  * * *

  So being supportive, and making sure that he’s being supportive, and seeing to it that both of your needs are being met—all that is great. But don’t forget that little thing called romance. You’re in love with this guy, so you need to continue to cultivate that passion between you with tender, loving care.

  It’s surprising how many people, perhaps without realizing it, get that piece of paper saying they’re married and think that’s that. Then they just take each other for granted and become two complacent people living out their lives, not caring about how they look or act or treat each other. Maintaining the romance in your relationship is major. Huge. Ginormous! Don’t let him forget the sexy vixen he fell in love with.

  * * *

  Making Lemonade Together

  Supporting my husband has never been as heartbreaking—or crucial—as it was one particular time early in our marriage, shortly after Alexia was born.

  Mauricio had gotten a job, a big one, in a clothing company. It was a very good position, but he was too young for it, really, and we both knew it. And that’s what his bosses eventually decided too.

  I will never forget seeing his face when he came home one day. I could tell he’d been crying. He said they’d let him go. It was so, so awful. The feeling I had was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. I just wanted to grab him and hold him and say, “It doesn’t matter! We’ll be okay, no matter what,” because I knew we would be. We loved each other! But I could see how terrible he felt, and he was trying to keep up a brave face.

  I kept thinking, How can they do this to my husband! And at Christmastime! Don’t they realize we have a little girl and a baby and we have Christmas presents to get? How could they be so heartless? But the pain I felt for my husband is unforgettable.

  So after being devastated for a little while, we decided, hey, let’s not sit here and wallow in this. Let’s think. What could we do? We started brainstorming together, and after a while we came up with a great idea: we would go get our real estate licenses together!

  And that’s what we did. We took the course together. I was so proud—he scored at the very top of our class. And believe it or not, I was number three. I had been so scared because here I was—tutored on the set all my life, didn’t go to college, thinking my math skills would never make it. And I’d overheard some people saying they’d taken the exams three times and failed. But not only did I pass; I got the third-highest score! I felt like Einstein!

  After we got our licenses, Mauricio went to work for my brother-in-law Rick’s family firm, Hilton and Hyland. And now he is actually one of the top 10 brokers in the country. I’m so proud of him.

  Thank God. Even though that was the worst moment of our lives, I thank God that those people let him go, because we sat down together and came up with the idea of going into real estate, which Mauricio was obviously meant to do. It made me realize the power of two people truly committed to their partnership.

  Still, what I wanted to say to Mauricio that night—to reassure him that we’d be all right no matter what—is exactly the way I feel even now. The issue of money in this town can be ridiculous, but if something happened and we had no money anymore, I’d still be happy because I’d have my husband and my children. I do say to Mauricio, though, “I’d be 100 percent fine with no money—but I wouldn’t want to live here!” It may sound terrible, but we’d have to move! Ha!

  Our plan B has always been that we would go to Vail, Colorado, and he could be a ski instructor (because he’s a phenomenal skier), and hopefully I would just stay home and bake cookies and be with my kids. That might be a luxury, though, and if I had to work, that would be okay too. I love it here in L.A., in Beverly Hills and Bel Air, because I was born and raised here. But sometimes a simpler life away from all of this sounds really great!

  * * *

  Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting you dress to the nines all the time with every hair in place and a full mask of makeup on. I sure don’t live up to those standards—unless I’m going somewhere where the paparazzi might be lurking! Ha-ha! Of course you’re not going to get glammed up like you’re going out on the town. I’m not putting on my false lashes every day just to look good to my husband. That’s taking it to the extreme.

  No, I’m just saying you should make an effort for your husband in the same way you did before he was your husband. Care about your appearance, and present your best self to him as much as you can. I know from experience how easy it is to let things slide, especially when multiple small human beings enter the picture. At times, after I’ve had a baby, just getting in the shower is about all I can manage!

  Let me tell you a funny story that really opened my eyes about this.

  Usually in the morning I just throw my hair up in a ponytail and do something my kids call a “ponyball.” They make fun of it—it’s like a ball on top of my head. Sometimes I forget and go out like that. So one day I went to the market with my ponyball and some old sweatpants on, and I must say I really did look like hell. I had Sophia strapped onto my chest in the Baby Björn and when I sat down outside the market to nurse her, this girl walked up and said, “Oh, hi! How are you? We met at an open house for one of your husband’s listings.”

  She told me about how all her friends with her that day were looking at Mauricio and saying, “Who’s that? He’s so handsome!”

  And then she said to me, kind of eyeing my oh-so-glamorous outfit, “With a husband like him you really shouldn’t be running around looking like that.”

  OMG! I had to laugh, because she was right. I’ll never forget those words!

  My mom always used to say, “Don’t run around in your sweatpants with no makeup, because you never know who you’re going to bump into.” Listen, I like to be comfortable, especially when I’m running errands with my kids, like going to Target or picking them up from school. So I’m not swearing off sweatpants. (In fact, I still sometimes go out the door in really scary sweatpants with frightening hair! And every single time I think, Oh my God! Here’s my mom’s voice coming to haunt me!)

  But I try when I can to wear something comfortable but kind of pulled together, like casual leggings with a sweater. Or at least I try to make sure I’m showered and fresh, with my hair brushed. I don’t wear makeup during the day unless I have a lunch or event or something.r />
  But I can do lip gloss! That’s not too much to ask!

  My kids think it’s hilarious when I hear Mauricio’s car in the driveway and I run off to the bathroom to put on lip gloss, let my hair down, and make sure I smell pretty. “Why do you always do that?” they say. “It’s just Dad!”

  “Because I want to look nice for your dad!” I tell them. Just because you’ve got that ring doesn’t mean you should just throw in the towel on basic upkeep. Of course I want to look nice and sexy for my husband. Not because I think he might cheat on me or something. No, you have to trust your husband. But he’s been working all day and really, do you want him to come home to see you in sweats, your hair a wreck, and find smelly, poopy diapers in the can? I try to look nice when Mauricio comes in the door, and we always kiss, because that’s a rule.

  I also try not to look too shocking in the morning. I usually stumble out of bed and look at myself and think, Holy Toledo, nobody wants to see that! So I make a little bit of effort, which, believe me, is about all I can manage most mornings. I wash my face and brush my teeth right away, and I might even put some lip gloss on.

  And… I know this sounds really ridiculous, but my eyebrows are so out of control that I usually brush them a little bit before I go downstairs to get my coffee. Fact!

  These are all just little things that only take a few minutes—but it’s the effort that counts.

  Of course, you can look like a million bucks every second of the day and still find that love connection with your husband fading. That’s because you also have to make time for the two of you—alone, without the kids. Among my married friends, date night is a cherished concept—though sometimes in theory more than practice! With the busyness of life, working and looking after the children, and taking care of everything else going on, who has time for date night?