Obviously my approach to Kim wasn’t working anyway, so clearly there needed to be a change if I wanted our relationship to improve. Maybe I needed to be gentler. Maybe I didn’t always have to try to be the mom in my relationship with my sister.
It took an outsider’s point of view to teach me those things, but finally Kim and I were able to talk things through.
So here’s my advice. Issues between people can and should be dealt with in a civilized way. It’s much better for everyone involved if you can keep your cool. Because that old expression—sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me—just isn’t true.
Also, there’s something to be said for communicating with the target of your anger. You know, face it and deal with it—sooner rather than later. Don’t wait until the resentments, yours or hers, build up to the point of explosion.
Thank God Kim and I are okay now. That doesn’t necessarily mean we won’t ever fight again, but she means the world to me. And Kathy, too. We are family!
CHAPTER 8
My Mane Philosophy
My hair … well, I am totally neurotic about taking care of it. Some people are consumed by dieting; some are fanatic about their skin. I’m fanatic about taking care of my hair.
And I thought you might like to benefit from my neurotic obsession. Ha-ha!
People used to ask me all about my extensions, but, um, I don’t have extensions. Never did. I think they’re terrible for your hair. I especially hate to see so many young celebrities getting them, because they’re just destroying their hair and really won’t be able to get it back. I realize that some people feel extensions are the only way to get the thickness they want. My niece Paris has her own line of hair extensions and really likes the look they give her.
* * *
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
I have to tell you, I know from experience that the old saying is true: gentlemen really do prefer blondes! On my worst day as a blonde, my very ugliest day, more men would look at me than they would on my absolute best day as a brunette. Honestly, I’d still rather be a brunette, because a blonde is just not who I am.
* * *
Okay, now that we’ve got that settled, let’s move on to the hair on my head. Ha! I get a lot of questions about my hair, mostly about what I use on it. People assume because of where I live and what I do that I must spend a ton of money on products—but I don’t! My shampoo comes from a drugstore!
When people ask me what I do to my hair, the answer is simple: as little as possible! I really believe less is more with hair.
The best way to have beautiful hair is to accept the hair God gave you, love it, and work with it. Don’t try to turn it into something it’s not.
And above all, treat it right! That I can help you with.
I was the only brunette among my three sisters. I had dirty blond hair when I was very little but it got darker as I got older. And I had long hair too—always long, dark hair. Well, almost always.
My mother drilled it into me to take good care of my hair. We kept it long, though she took me every six weeks to have a trim. But one time we were in a mall and she was suddenly seized with the notion that she’d have my hair cut. She was thinking I could get a Dorothy Hamill cut, you know, the wedge worn by the Olympic figure skater back in the ’70s? My hair was all the way down my back then, so it would have to be totally chopped.
But before she got me situated in the salon, Mom called my agent and told her she was going to cut my hair. My agent said, “Don’t you dare! Don’t you know that’s her look? She has to stick with it!” I didn’t quite get what she meant at the time.
That was my mom’s one impulse regarding my hair, but after that she was constantly telling me that I could never cut it. “Never, never. It’s your signature!” She got a little carried away with it at one point because it had grown past my butt. I said, “Mom, my hair is half my body! It’s making me look like I’m three feet tall!” Ha-ha! So after that I kept it just to my waist.
My mother never would have allowed me to dye it either. Now, I had gone through phases when I used purple and burgundy mousse in my hair. That was back when we were all trying to look like Madonna. It was just mousse, not dye, and that was okay because I was young. Although, looking back, that was not a good look. If I had actually colored my hair or, God forbid, come home with a tattoo or piercing, my mother would have thought I was all of a sudden a gang member! She was very uptight about these things.
Eventually, of course, I just had to experiment, so when I was sixteen I got a layered look. That also was not a good look. I grew it out again and then when I was twenty-one, I went an almost platinum blond for a little while, then stopped that and let my hair recover.
It was about another ten years before I did anything else drastic to my hair. I got tired of my mother always badgering me about not cutting it. I went to the hip hairstylist of the moment in Beverly Hills, you know, “You gotta go to him, he’s so cool, he cuts all the celebrities’ hair!” So he cut all my hair off into a Meg Ryan kind of short look, really choppy with the ends sticking out. I looked like an artichoke. And then I would take the ends and put stuff in them to make them stick out even more.
I felt like I was rebelling. My mom was sick by that time, so maybe I was rebelling against what was happening to her.
She was so disappointed. She made me feel like it was the end of the world. I said, “Well, I like it! Everybody else likes it!” But then later after I let it grow out everyone said, “Oh my God, that was the ugliest haircut I’ve ever seen! I can’t believe you did that to your hair!” They were right.
Not long after that, when my mother started losing her hair because of the chemo, she decided to shave it all off. So I wanted to shave mine too. She wouldn’t have it. “That will end up killing me before the cancer gets me!” she said. So I passed on that.
And I’ve been a brunette with long hair ever since.
I learned a lot from my hair missteps. It’s what your mother always tells you: just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t mean you should. I used to think this applied to things like drinking and sex but I learned it’s equally appropriate for hairstyles! I am a brunette. I just don’t look good as a blonde. And just because I wanted to look hip and cool with the do of the moment doesn’t mean it was going to look good on me.
Sometimes you can get swept away by a persuasive hairdresser who convinces you a whole new look will be fabulous. Don’t let that happen. My advice is to always mull over a radical change of hairstyle very carefully and thoroughly before you go under the scissors. Ask your friends and family what they think. Go to more than one hairdresser to get their opinions. Go to a wig store and try on the cuts and colors you’re dying to get, so to speak—that’s a great way to get a sense of how your dream do will look on you. And if you do have a signature look, one that you’re known for and everyone loves, be extra careful. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to change things up, but think it through beforehand.
Something else I learned is that coloring your hair just is not good for it. And the more extreme the color change, the more damaging it is. I’m talking damage that doesn’t repair itself in a few weeks or even months. Being blond dried out my hair tremendously, and it took a very long time to get it healthy again. So don’t just think, “Oh, I can always dye it back!”
If you really must color your hair, there are healthier ways to do it than using dyes and peroxide and bleach. Look for formulas—or salons that use formulas—that are gentler, like vegetable dyes. More companies are coming out with colors now that are free of chemicals so they’re easier on your hair—and better for your body.
* * *
My Obsessive, Neurotic Dos and Don’ts
» Don’t torture your hair! Minimize the heat and the styling products you use on it.
» Do find the color and style that work for you. Just because something looks great on your friend doesn’t mean it’s right for you.
» Don’t change
your hair length or color drastically without considering it carefully first.
» Do use gentler, more natural tints and dyes if you are determined to color your hair.
» Don’t spend a lot of money on shampoos and conditioners and brushes and such. Go to the drugstore, try some out, and determine which products and tools are most effective for your hair.
» Do look for the gentlest products and tools you can find. Never use a brush that tears at your hair, and make sure your hair dryer has a cooler setting so you don’t have to blast your hair with heat.
» Do brush your hair starting from the bottom, brushing the very ends of your hair, going up a bit and brushing down again, and so on. And go slowly!
» Don’t wash your hair every day, if possible.
» Do try putting the shampoo only on your scalp, letting the suds run down to clean the rest of your hair.
» Do wear your hair the way you like it, and forget about the number on your driver’s license!
» Don’t rip your hair when brushing. Every time you hear that “snap,” you’ve made a split end.
» Sleep with a hair mask on at night or a heavy leave-in conditioner. Put a towel on your pillow.
* * *
Now, having said all that, I do want to be clear that I have nothing against covering your gray. Of course not! I have to cover my gray. I just touch up the roots myself. I use Nice ’n Easy Root Touch-up by Clairol. I also have someone do it for me, but it’s very easy to do it myself, not to mention inexpensive.
Look, I know that for some women going to the salon is an escape, an indulgence. But it takes so long! And it costs so much! If I want to escape I’d rather do something other than sit there for four hours in a chair getting nothing done.
When I need a cut, which is every six to eight weeks because my hair grows fast, a stylist comes to the house. After I had Portia, I was nursing and didn’t want to leave the baby. So I had the stylist—her name is Pamela and she’s fantastic—come here to give me a trim. It’s not only a time-saver; it’s also actually cheaper because I’m not having to pay her through the salon. If she colors my roots I often do a touchup at the three- or four-week mark between visits, because that gray starts creeping up on me! If your hairstylist isn’t cool with you doing your own touchups, then I think you need a new hairstylist!
* * *
And You Pay How Much
for That?
Like I said, some women I know never do their own hair, hand to God. One woman with whom I am acquainted—she shall remain nameless—goes to the salon literally every day. Like some people go to the gym—every day! And I just think, What a waste of time and money!
* * *
I really don’t believe in spending a lot of money on my hair. For example, the shampoos and conditioners I absolutely swear by are made by Pantene. I’ve been using it forever, at least since I was a teenager. I saw a commercial for it and tried it and I thought, it really is like the commercial—my hair looks good! Now some of my friends buy it too because I’ve recommended it to them. And no, I am not a paid spokesperson for Pantene! Though I should be. Ha-ha!
I just could never go for those super-expensive shampoos, are you kidding, with all my hair and all the kids’ hair? I’d have to sell my house—which isn’t an option! Pantene works for me, and it doesn’t cost a fortune. I buy several bottles at a time because between me and my family, we go through a lot of it. There’s really no need to go for the fancy stuff at the salon; just experiment with different brands from the drugstore. Find one that you really like and stick with it. (Some people believe it’s best to switch off between different shampoos now and then, because your hair and scalp acclimate to the product.)
Beware, though: sometimes you’ll settle on just what you want then find they’ll change the formula on you. That happened to me with Pantene’s conditioner and it just tortured me. I used the same thing for years and years and now I have to choose from so many different versions of conditioner they’ve come out with. It’s overwhelming when you walk into the store. My God, do they have to have fifty different types of conditioner to confuse us and drive us insane? Ha-ha! I try to pick the types that suit the look I’m going for—heavier conditioner for a straighter look, for example. Or a clarifying shampoo that’s good for removing buildup caused by product. Too much product leaves your hair dull.That’s why I’m not a fan of too much product. You have to be the judge. It may take some trial and error.
I try not to wash my hair too much since doing so dries it out. Go as long as you can between washes. I try to make it every other day and push it another day when I can. I can get away with that because my hair is dry; if yours is oily, you may have to do it more often.
If I work out, of course, I have to wash my hair no matter how long it’s been since the last time I did, which is one of the reasons I don’t work out. Ha! No, I’m kidding. I do, but sometimes I do skip a workout because I just washed my hair yesterday and don’t want to wash it again. Hey—why not? You can go to the gym tomorrow! (When I exercise, by the way, I use Goody coated rubber bands to tie my hair into a knot or a bun, because they don’t break my hair.)
I have all these neurotic little tricks. When I wash my hair, I don’t put the shampoo on the ends. I just put it on my scalp and let it run through to the ends. And I always make sure to brush my hair slowly, starting by brushing the bottom of the strands and then going a little higher and brushing from there, until you reach the top of your hair. Otherwise, you’ll rip your hair up and create split ends. I use a regular, inexpensive paddle brush. I know some people use expensive natural boar bristle brushes, but they’re not great for my kind of hair. They just give it static. Same thing with the brushes as the shampoos: you have to find the type that works best for your hair. For example, if you’re going for volume, a round brush might be your best bet. But ask your stylist, someone you trust who knows what your hair is like and the styles you want. Just don’t think you have to spend a fortune on your brush.
To give my hair extra conditioning, sometimes if I’m not going anywhere I’ll stick it in my hair and just leave it all day. I also put a mask on my hair that I have concocted. And I’m big on using oils in my hair, mostly Moroccan oils that I put in after almost every blow-dry, when my hair is dry. You can find different brands at beauty supply stores and online. One I like has the consistency of K-Y Jelly. Hmm, yes, I think this Moroccan oil might have multiple uses! Ha-ha! (Just kidding!) So you just put a dot of it in your palm and rub it in your hands. Then what I do is tilt my head to the side a bit and kind of slap my hair lightly with it all over. Not so much on the top because it will make my hair look dirty. If you use just a tiny amount, it will make your hair smoother and shinier.
Now we come to a very important stage of the hair care process: the styling. This is a make-or-break stage, and I mean the “break” part literally.
I really try to avoid heat, because heat doesn’t do one good thing for the condition of your hair. All the flat-irons girls are using now are so hard on hair! Instead of having to have straight hair every day, why not embrace the hair you have and find a way to work with it? It will be beautiful! I tell my girls to just leave their hair alone, quit touching it! But they insist on flat-ironing it. “Mom, we’re never gonna be okay walking around with our hair curly like you want us to!” Okay, then, walk around with it damaged! One day they’ll be sorry, because undoing the damage can take years.
I did let my girls get Brazilian Blowouts, thinking it would limit the daily damage of the flat iron, but then I found out that they weren’t healthy—they contain a lot of formaldehydes. So now they get botanically-based straightening treatments.
Sometimes, of course, I do use hair dryers and other kinds of heat on my hair, but only when I have to. And instead of using a curling iron with metal that clamps down on your hair, I use a curling wand and wrap my hair around the barrel, and it gives me a nice loose wave. I will occasionally use Velcro rollers on my hair but I don�
��t usually need to. In fact, that can sometimes make me look like I have too much hair. I really have a lot of hair on my head, believe me!
* * *
Time-Crunched Hair
Lately I’ve been very short on time. When I’m doing the show, I have a million things to do and I think, God, how am I supposed to get my hair washed, blow-dried, you know, all of that? I bet you feel the same way sometimes!
I had a bunch of meetings yesterday. I knew if I washed it and did nothing, it would take all day long. Seriously, that’s one reason why I don’t like to wash it every day, because I don’t want to have to dry it every day. The days I work I have to blow-dry it, but the days I don’t I let it go wet.
So yesterday after washing my hair, first I left a little bit of conditioner in my wet hair. Then I twisted my hair into a knot, put a coated rubber band around it, and walked around awhile like that. Later when I undid it I had a bit of a wave. I threw on a sunhat and a little dress and I was good to go. If I had on jeans and a top, I’d wear a cute fedora. I’m a big believer in hats! They can actually add some style to your outfit, and allow you to avoid having to style your hair.
* * *
Products can also damage your hair. The mousse and the hair spray and the gel and all that stuff makes your hair lose its shine and dries it out. I use the gentlest hair spray I can find, Shaper by Paul Mitchell. It’s not sticky and drying, and it doesn’t weigh my hair down.
You have to realize: your hair can really age you. If you look at a teenager, she’ll have thick, glossy hair. But after years and years of abusing it, not only the hair but the girl herself will start to lose that youthful look. (Mark my words, Farrah, Alexia, and Sophia!) Torturing your hair will make you look older; taking care of it will make you look younger. Simple as that.
Life Is Not a Reality Show Page 13