by Vonna Harper
“Pretty sure. You want to come right now?”
“If it’s all right with you.”
Her rugged, physical life had lined Addie’s features and grayed her hair. She had a ranch wife’s permanently tanned hands with short, practical nails and a multitude of small scars. Like Cat’s, Addie’s forearms sported muscles. Cat had no doubt that the rest of the older woman’s body carried out the same message of strength. She wore no makeup, her shoulder-length hair looked as if she cut it herself, and her clothing was a clone of what Cat wore.
The house at Coyote Ranch was positioned so its shadow covered the front porch where the two women sat drinking iced tea. Cat had parked her truck near the porch so she could bail if Matt returned unexpectedly. What she hadn’t figured out was how she’d explain her exit to Addie if that proved necessary.
“I don’t know if I’d still be here if it wasn’t for Matt,” Addie said once the weather and hay price discussions were over. “Oh, I guess I could hire a foreman, but it wouldn’t be the same. This land has its tentacles around Matt’s heart, same as it does mine. As it did Santo.”
Cat figured Santo and Addie had been married at least thirty-five years. In that time, their separate selves might have essentially merged. If so, Addie had lost a key part of herself. Although she and Matt hadn’t had nearly that much time together, she, too, felt incomplete without him.
“Was it always like that for Matt?” she asked in an attempt to get the conversation going where she needed it to. “He felt connected to the ranch from the beginning?”
Addie laughed, and for a moment her eyes lost the grief buried in them. What was it like to love someone that much? “Hardly. He was too young to be a sullen teen, thank goodness, but he had so many of the symptoms that sometimes I wanted to shake him. Even though he knew he had nowhere else to go, he didn’t want to be here.”
“How did he come to live with you? I heard rumors—”
“I’m sure you did.”
“Is his father in prison?” Cat stared at her hands. “I never knew how to bring that up.”
“Prison,” Addie muttered. “Crazy how things get turned around. I take it you and Matt haven’t talked about his past.”
Or about mine. Lifting her head, she met Addie’s gaze. “That sounds as if Matt and I don’t have much of a relationship. Maybe we don’t.”
“I doubt that. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t concerned for him.”
Concern barely touched at what she was feeling. Along with confusion over his inexplicable behavior was a lingering fear of him. And sexual energy. More energy than fear. “So Matt’s father isn’t in prison?”
Addie shook her head and leaned back in her chair. She stared at the horizon. “Maybe Matt doesn’t want you knowing his story, but I have the feeling you need to. One thing I’m sure of, it’s essential if you’re going to understand him.”
“I want to.” I need to.
“Let me start by explaining why he came to live with us. His mother was my father’s second cousin.”
“Was? Is she dead?”
“No one knows. She hasn’t been heard from in years.”
The more Addie said, the more chilled Cat felt. Matt’s parents, who’d never married, had been in their teens when he was born. His mother had just turned fifteen while his father, a high school dropout and seasonal ranch hand, had been a month shy of nineteen. Matt’s mother, Heather, continued to live with her parents while his father, Kaga, often came to see his son. Heather’s mother took care of her infant grandson while Heather reluctantly went to school.
“Heather’s parents are deeply religious, absolute fundamentalists,” Addie said. “My understanding is that Heather wanted to have an abortion, and if they wouldn’t sign for her to go to the clinic, she wanted to put Matt up for adoption. However, Grandma and Grandpa wouldn’t allow it. She’d sinned and was going to pay for it.”
“That’s all they cared about?”
“Apparently. How unfair that was to Heather and Matt. And to Kaga, who wasn’t in any position to support his son, a son he dearly loved.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Kaga? What an unusual name.”
Addie turned her attention to Cat. “He was Native American. Paiute.”
Shocked, Cat covered her mouth. “Matt never said anything about that.”
“I’m not surprised, because he was determined to put his past behind him. When he turned thirteen, he told me he considered himself reborn. Thirteen was when his life began.”
“What was so awful about his childhood?” She had to force the question. “Oh, God, was he abused?”
Looking pensive, Addie slowly shook her head. “As far as we know, not physically. I wish I could say the same about emotionally.”
Considering his grandparents’ religious beliefs, Cat thought she understood. However, as Addie continued, Cat realized she’d had no inkling what Matt had gone through.
When Matt was around three, Heather fell in love with a man fifteen years older than her, a man who wanted nothing to do with a small child. Heather had run away with the man, and although she resurfaced from time to time when the lover of the moment—the older one hadn’t lasted long—turned out not to be Prince Charming or she ran out of money, she never played the mother role. No one had seen or heard from her since Matt’s ninth birthday, which she’d celebrated by calling and talking to him for maybe five minutes.
In contrast, Kaga never missed a birthday or holiday. He lived a few miles from Matt’s grandparents and paid every penny of child support he could afford. As far as anyone knew, Kaga never had a serious romantic relationship, let alone got married or had other children.
“Kaga didn’t talk much, especially not to Matt’s grandparents, who resisted his every effort to be a father,” Addie explained.
“Why were they so hard on him? Didn’t they understand that a child needs parents?”
“To their way of thinking, Kaga’s sin in creating Matt was even greater than their daughter’s because he was older. Kaga—I’ve seen a picture of him and he was a rugged, handsome man—had no family.”
“None at all?”
“I’m just repeating what I’ve been told. Believe me, getting anything from Matt’s grandparents was like pulling teeth. They could do no wrong. Sinners were all around them, but they were saints raising a sinful child according to God’s law.”
“Sinful? He was a little boy.”
“An illegitimate child whose mother had abandoned her family and a father who didn’t go to their church, so of course was going to hell.”
Cat had come to Addie hoping to learn more about Matt. Now she’d give anything to know more than the little she’d been told about Kaga.
“Kaga tried to be a father to Matt because Matt was the only family Kaga had,” she said, on the verge of tears for a man she’d never met.
“Exactly.” Addie went back to her study of the distance. “When Santo and I went to pick up Matt, we talked to neighbors, teachers, even the police. We learned more about both Kaga and Matt’s upbringing from them than we ever did from his grandparents.”
“How did the police get involved?”
Addie sighed and closed her eyes. “Two reasons. One, Matt kept running away, and because there was nothing else they could do with him, the police kept bringing him back to his grandparents’ place. Two”—Addie’s eyes opened—“Kaga had problems.”
Instead of asking her to explain, Cat waited the older woman out. Learning so much in such a short amount of time was exhausting, either that or her sleepless night was getting to her. If she could, she’d wrap comforting arms around both of them.
With Matt, a hug would soon turn into something else.
“He went crazy. Insane.”
“Oh, no!”
Addie sighed again. “I don’t know how long things were bad for him before he took off but—”
“Took off?”
Addie stood, walked over to the railing, and faced Cat. Leaning against
the wooden support, she rested her elbows behind her. “For a while. Then he came back but . . . I know it sounds as if both of Matt’s parents deserted him, but the circumstances and outcomes were entirely different. Heather was too immature and self-centered to understand what it meant to be a mother. Kaga gave his son, maybe the only person he ever loved or who ever loved him, as much of himself as he was capable of.”
Unable to ignore the need for movement, Cat joined Addie at the railing but didn’t turn her back on the setting because she needed to know if Matt returned—Matt whose innate sexuality still had a powerful grip on her.
“I wish he’d told me about his father,” she muttered. “I wonder why he didn’t.”
“He only rarely mentioned Kaga to Santo and me,” Addie said. “When he first came to live with us, we were up to our necks trying to learn how to parent a lost and closed-in kid. We told ourselves he’d talk when he was ready, but maybe if we’d pressed, he wouldn’t have had all those nightmares.”
Sick for the boy Matt had once been, Cat wrapped her arms around her middle.
“For the longest time, Matt didn’t want me to touch him,” Addie continued. “He was okay with Santo; they had a bond from the beginning. But I think he didn’t know how to relate to women, whether he could trust them.”
“Given what his mother did, I can’t blame him.”
“I know. Anyway, the first time I held Matt was during one of his nightmares. Afterward, I was there for all of them. The things he said . . . either he’d seen his father fall apart or he imagined what it must have been like.”
“What did he say?” I’m sorry, Matt. I hate doing this, but what choice do I have?
Addie turned toward her; tears glittered in her eyes. “He kept calling out to Kaga. He’d beg him to relax and calm down, to stop saying the things he did. He, ah, talked about a knife.”
“Oh my God. Do you think Kaga tried to kill Matt?”
“If he did, he didn’t hurt him.”
“You’re right. He doesn’t have a knife scar.” Too late, Cat realized what she’d just revealed.
For the first time since she’d begun talking, Addie smiled. “Honey, you aren’t telling me anything I don’t know. Something I need to tell you. It might help you understand Matt better. Kaga committed suicide. With a knife.”
Light-headed, Cat gripped the railing. She couldn’t speak for thinking. Finally she said, “Do you think Matt saw? That that’s where his nightmares came from?”
Now it was Addie’s turn to hug herself. “I asked him. After he told me he loved me, I let him know he could tell me anything and I’d honor it. He said he wanted to but the words wouldn’t come out. He believed it was better for him to put the past behind him.”
Still light-headed, Cat faced the land that defined Coyote Ranch. She felt as if she’d come here knowing nothing about her lover. In a few minutes, Addie had opened a door to Matt’s past, maybe a Pandora’s box.
“What kind of mental illness did Kaga have?”
“Matt’s grandparents said it was the devil’s work, that he was being punished for, and I quote, ‘fornicating with a child.’ ”
“Damn them. Did they tell Matt the same thing?”
“What do you think?”
If the two were here right now, she wasn’t sure she could stop herself from slugging them.
“Apparently,” Addie continued, “Kaga never had professional help. From what the police told me, he withdrew more and more. He’d always been a good worker, but he stopped showing up at the several ranches where he worked part-time. He no longer paid rent on the cabin where he lived, and when they came to evict him, there were signs he hadn’t been there for a while.”
“What about his belongings?”
“His personal stuff was gone. Matt said Kaga loved to read, but there weren’t any books left behind.”
“Where did he go?”
Addie’s mouth lifted, but it wasn’t a smile. “The police didn’t know, but Matt told me he’d set up a camp. He took Matt out there a few times. From Matt’s description, the camp was pretty disorganized, with rotting food and piles of dirty clothes. I’ve concluded that Kaga reverted to traditional Native American ways in some respects. He lived off the land, tracked and hunted. Prayed to the spirits and went on spirit quests.”
This was all too much! The thought of a boy trying to comprehend what was happening to his only parent made her want to cry.
“Information overload?” Addie laid her hand on Cat’s shoulder.
“Yes. So, ah, how did Matt wind up living with you?” That, hopefully, would be easier to deal with than Matt’s chaotic childhood.
Leaving the railing, Addie sat down again. She looked older than she had a few minutes ago, but then the conversation had taken its toll on Cat as well.
“Those damnable grandparents, those so-called relatives, decided Kaga wasn’t the only one with the devil in him. After his body was found, they no longer wanted Matt under their roof. They called all of their relatives who still spoke to them and told them they’d give Matt to them if anyone wanted him. Whoever it was had two days to come and get him. Otherwise they were going to take him to the freeway and leave him there.”
Because she didn’t trust her legs to support her, Cat sank back into the chair next to Addie.
“That’s where my father came in. He called me—I’d heard about the crazy relatives, of course—and asked if Santo and I wanted a son.”
A son. Not just an abandoned child to feed.
“Of course we said yes.” Addie pressed her hands to her stomach.
Blinking at the tears that wouldn’t stop, Cat covered Addie’s hand with her own. “Thank you.”
“For?”
“For being such a good person. For being what Matt needed.”
Addie squeezed back. Seconds passed as the women stared at each other. “What are you thinking?” Cat finally asked.
“I’m trying to decide if you’re who Matt needs now. Something’s bothering him. It’s more than concerns about what happened to Beale and having the damned wolves bothering the cattle. Okay, okay.” She shook her head. “I didn’t mean to curse. They are what they are—predators.”
And more.
“I just wish they’d go away,” Addie continued. “Maybe that’d take the pressure off him, although I’m not sure—”
“I’ve been doing some research,” Cat interrupted, because she didn’t want to hear what Addie might say next. “Several ways of coexisting with wolves have been implemented in places like Montana’s Blackfoot River watershed area. Ranchers there are placing electric fences around calving lots. Stringing bright flags onto pasture fencing seems to be working, and volunteer horsemen keep an eye on the wolves and let ranchers know if they get near their herds.”
“I wonder if that might work here?”
“It’s worth a try, if we can get ranchers to listen.” And if Ghost Wolf isn’t part of the mix.
“I’d like you to talk to Matt about this.” Addie pulled free. “Others will listen to him. At least they would before . . . Whatever’s wrong with him, I’d be willing to bet it isn’t sexual frustration, right?”
Cat dropped her gaze. “I don’t think so.”
Addie laughed. “Honey, I may be an old woman, but I’m not dead. But my man is. I know what it feels like not to be getting any.”
The sound of an approaching vehicle stopped whatever Cat might have said. So far, it was only a distant hum, but no way could she get herself to relax. “On that note,” she muttered, getting to her feet, “I need to leave. I’ve been putting off my riding students lately.”
“Why?”
The easy thing would be to keep her back to Addie while she headed for her truck, but Addie had revealed too much about Matt for her to take that way out.
“You aren’t the only one who’s worried about him.”
“My guess is, you’re seeing changes I’m not and I’m seeing a lot.”
You
have no idea. “Yes.”
Addie cocked her head. “Guess I was wrong about him being gone. Are you going to stay or leave?”
“Leave.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Addie said as she stood and walked over to Cat. She held out her arms. “I need a hug.”
“So do I.”
18
Not again. Not so soon.
No matter how many times Matt ordered himself to relax his grip on the steering wheel, he kept forgetting, or rather the truth was his thoughts insisted on returning to what had awaited him when he’d reached the fencing near the north-side seasonal creek. Just yesterday, a group of some twenty cattle had been in the area, but he’d seen no sign of the well-fed cows and calves. Range cattle were always on the move, but they just didn’t pack up and leave grassland unless something herded or chased them away.
The wolves.
The moment he’d gotten out of his truck, he’d known he was being watched. The Cat-thoughts and Cat-memories that had settled under his skin disappeared. As his father had done when he’d lived off the land, he’d gone into survival mode. Reaching into the cab for his rifle, he’d reassured himself that the bullets he’d loaded long ago were still there.
“What do you want from me?” he’d asked.
The words were barely out of his mouth when several wolves appeared. At first they were far enough away that he hadn’t been sure how many there were, but thanks to their easy lope, he’d soon counted four. While he’d reached behind him to assure himself that the driver’s door was open, they came within a hundred feet.
Instead of crowding his space or taking off when he hollered at him, the pack had stopped and studied him while a brisk wind ruffled their thick fur. He’d seen enough cougars and coyotes to know how predators looked when they were hunting. The pack wasn’t.
“What do you want from me?” he’d repeated. He’d been mildly surprised when they didn’t reply.
Then the wolves had swung their heads to the right and bared their teeth. Shit, he’d thought. Shit.
Ghost Wolf. Suddenly there, standing above him and the pack, his fur untouched by the breeze.