by Vonna Harper
“He was talking to me, not you.” Matt looked around at the living room as if he’d never seen it. “He wants nothing to do with you.”
As much as she needed to point out that it wasn’t that simple, she didn’t. “What are you doing here?”
Drawing in a breath that expanded his chest when that was the last thing her nervous system needed, he rammed his hands into his back pockets. After giving the knife at his waist a distracted glimpse, she filled her own lungs.
“Here? I don’t know,” he said.
“You don’t . . . I’m glad you came.”
“Are you?”
How could she possibly answer with her nerve endings splintering? So this was what it felt like to be caught in class 5 river rapids, tossed about with no way to reach the shore or stop herself from striking looming boulders. She’d give anything to start the day over.
“I don’t know what would have happened if I’d been alone.” To hell with not letting a certain name pass her lips. “Ghost Wolf was going to attack my horses.”
“No.”
“What makes you say—”
This man she didn’t understand stopped her by lifting his head. “He wanted you outside.”
“He, ah, could have come in here.”
“No, he couldn’t. He’s like the pack, a wild creature. He avoids human enclosures.”
The explanation made a terrible and undeniable kind of sense. Feeling both empathy for Ghost Wolf and relieved, if Matt was right, she turned her attention back to the high-desert land that was her home. Ghost Wolf hadn’t returned.
“What about you and walls?” Both wanting and dreading the movement, she faced Matt. “I had to pull you inside just now.”
“Why did you? The last time we were together, you said you never wanted to see me again.”
Never. Surely she hadn’t used that word. “I can’t think around you.” It was only part of the truth.
Matt pulled his hands out of his pockets. One went to the knife nestled against his middle, and he withdrew it from a faded leather sheath. “Cat, you asked what brought me here.”
“Yes.”
“I kept thinking about you today. Heard you.”
“Oh.”
After stroking the knife’s dull side, he placed the weapon on the lamp table where the recliner had been before she’d turned it into a doorstop. “You were crying for help.”
How long ago had Matt walked into her life, and what, if anything, had she done with that life, before his arrival? A brand of energy that made her think of winter storms and Brahma bulls surrounded him. At the beginning, everything had been about sex, hungry bodies feeding off each other. Even as she’d been drawn to his strength and competence and things unspoken about his past, she’d told herself she knew him.
What a damnable naïve and horny fool she’d been.
“I thought about you too,” she told him, afraid to close the distance between them. “Maybe that’s what reached you.”
“Maybe.”
When he started toward her, she fought to remain in place, but instead of touching her as she did and didn’t want, he positioned himself near the window. She stepped aside to give him full access, responding to his heat as she did.
“Where did he go?” Matt muttered.
“I don’t know. It, ah, was . . . Suddenly he wasn’t there.”
He pressed a hand against the glass as if trying to reach beyond it so he could touch the too-large wolf. “He’s lonely.”
Reacting to Matt’s somber tone, she grasped his free hand. Only then did she force herself to acknowledge what may have been the biggest mistake she’d made today, maybe forever.
“Because of what he said about wanting you?” she asked.
Still looking out, Matt shook his head. “He’s been waiting for the wolves to return. All those decades since the last one was killed, not knowing if any would come here again, it’s been hell for him.”
As tears stung her eyes, she laid her head on his shoulder. “You feel sorry for him?”
“Don’t.”
He didn’t have to say another word for her to understand his warning, but it was too late. Today had been too much.
Matt was all she had.
“I mean it,” he said, and pushed her away. “You don’t know what you’re putting me through.”
“Don’t I?” A roaring filled her head, and her skin felt as if it were breaking free from the rest of her.
Despite his cocked head and the whisper of a smile, a million miles separated them. If they so much as touched again, they risked dropping into a pit where need waited to swallow them. Going by what strained against his jeans, she sensed he was in danger of exploding. Much as they wanted that explosion, it meant returning to the limited relationship they’d had before.
Which hadn’t been enough.
“We’ve never made love,” she told him. “Have you ever wondered why that is?”
Broad shoulders lifted. “What’s this about, Cat?”
Trying to find normalcy for the first time. Trying to find us despite Ghost Wolf. “Think about it. Making love is something people who care about each other do. What does that say about you and me?”
He stood with the window and her world behind him. She wouldn’t be surprised if, as Ghost Wolf had done, he slipped through the glass and floated away.
“I can’t think,” he muttered, pinching his forehead.
Because Ghost Wolf had a hold on him. Although she’d give anything to massage away the pressure in his head, she took his free hand and laid it over her breast. Took the risk.
“You don’t have to think,” she whispered. “That’s what I’m here for.” Why I’ll do whatever I have to to save you. “What does lovemaking mean to you?”
She held her breath as he opened his mouth. Instead of answering, however, he closed his eyes. Where had he gone to? What secret place was he taking shelter in?
“I’ll tell you what it means to me,” she said. The needs I buried under the fucking that defined us. “Commitment and vulnerability. Taking my lover’s body slowly. Spending the night reaching mutual climax. Trust. Mostly it means trust.”
When Matt lowered his arm, she noted the red splotches where his fingers had pressed against his skull. He rocked back and forth, making her think of a horse roped for the first time. If she said or did the wrong thing, would he bolt? Maybe it was all he could do not to attack her.
“I want to trust you, Matt, but I don’t know if I can.”
“I understand.”
His eyes were still closed, and he’d done nothing to acknowledge her presence. “I’m not sure if you do, but maybe it doesn’t matter right now,” she told him. “What are you seeing?”
“Him.”
Ghost Wolf. Of course.
“He isn’t in here. There’s just the two of us and maybe the only chance we’ll have to see if there’s anything between us. Come with me, please.”
20
Cat had led Matt into the bedroom and had him sit on the side of the bed. After placing his knife on the nightstand, she’d removed his boots and socks and unsnapped his jeans. Then she’d helped him stand so she could pull the worn denim over his hips and down his legs. Three times he’d reached for her. Three times, asking herself if she was doing the right thing and if she could see it through, she’d placed his arms back by his sides.
Because the bedroom was at the back of the house, she couldn’t see where Ghost Wolf had last stood. Instead of being relieved, however, she fought the impulse to run back into the living room. The look on Matt’s face, or rather the lack of one, kept her next to him.
Matt had always embraced life. It fascinated him and he’d never been a bystander, so why was he so different today? Putting off asking something she might not get an answer to, she sank onto the carpet and helped him step out of his clothes. Her face was scant inches from his cock, but she couldn’t work up the courage to touch him there, let alone take him into her wateri
ng mouth. Shaking, she ran her hands down his thighs.
“He’s waiting for me,” Matt said.
I know and that terrifies me. “If, as you said, he’s been around all these years, he can wait a little . . . Why you?” She clamped her teeth around the unwanted question.
“I don’t know. Cat, I don’t know if I’m ready for this.” He brushed his erection.
If that was true, it was a first. Always before—“Take off your shirt.”
He slowly unbuttoned and shrugged out of the garment. She rocked back on her haunches, which provided her with a toovivid view of his cock. Still not touching him, she placed her fingers over her thighs and looked up at him.
Fine stubble shaded his jaws and chin. In contrast to his deeply tanned forearms, the sun’s impact on his chest was less. He wasn’t looking at her, and as earlier, he’d gone motionless.
Matt was waiting for her. The next move and the ones to come after were up to her. Even more unnerving, she needed a reason for what she was doing.
Neither of which she had.
Hoping to hide her confusion behind action, she awkwardly got to her feet. Matt gave her a glance. Then his gaze turned inward. Studying him, she acknowledged that they weren’t alone after all. Some part of Ghost Wolf shared the space with them.
“You don’t belong here,” Cat told the creature.
Wrong. I have every right.
“I don’t want to hear this.” She didn’t know what to do with her hands. “You already said—Go away!”
No.
“Don’t argue with him,” Matt said. “It won’t change anything.”
“You want him around? An audience?”
Taking hold of her shoulders, Matt turned her so her back was to him. Her shirt served as a pitiful defense against his fingers, and it was all she could do not to lean against him. Any other time she would have.
“I’m worn out mentally and physically,” he muttered. “Done in. I haven’t felt like this in a long time, and I hate it. Don’t want it.”
Even though his admission brought her to the brink of tears, Cat held her breath, certain Ghost Wolf would say something. When he didn’t, she nodded. “Do you remember when it was simple between us and sex defined everything?”
“It’s never going to be like that again.”
“No, it isn’t.”
“I’ve never seen your hair down,” he said after a short silence. “Why do you always corral it?”
“What? Because it’s practical this way.”
“Enough with the practical, Cat. I want it down.”
Did you hear him? she asked the spirit creature watching them. He’s thinking of us, not you.
For now.
Much as she tried, she couldn’t suppress a shudder. “Easy, easy,” Matt reassured her. “You’re all right.”
Wondering if he hadn’t heard Ghost Wolf’s warning, she handed him a less-than-honest chuckle. “That’s debatable.”
As he went to work on the band she’d secured the end of the braid with, she tried to rest her hands on her hips, but they slipped off and down her thighs. Fascinated by what he was doing, she leaned forward a little to ease his access. Braiding her hair had been as much a part of her morning routine as brushing her teeth.
Watch, then, she told Ghost Wolf. Watch and envy.
This time there was no response.
Instead of simply pulling the three strands apart as she did, Matt slowly worked his fingers into her hair. Here he was, stark naked and vulnerable and sought by something neither of them could comprehend. Instead of stripping her or insisting Ghost Wolf tell him what had brought them together, he concentrated on what was long overdue for a cut.
Are you still here? she questioned. Of course you are. How does it make you feel knowing he isn’t thinking about you right now?
You’re wrong.
No, damn it! She wasn’t going to let Ghost Wolf destroy what might be the most important thing she and Matt would ever do together. The beast’s voice in her head was just that, a voice.
The rest of him was elsewhere.
“There,” she whispered as her still-wavy hair settled on her shoulders and ran down her back. “Thank you.”
Matt finger-combed her hair. His nails slid over her shoulder blades and spine.
“Wait.” She dragged her T-shirt over her head, which caused her hair to fill with static electricity and cling to the fabric before settling around her face, half blinding her.
“Let’s see,” Matt said.
She faced him, pulling hair away from her mouth as she did. Still expressionless, he brushed the rest off her forehead, cheeks, and neck. Then he stepped back. Left her alone.
“It’s beautiful that way. You’re beautiful.”
If she could believe his gentle tone, she wasn’t the only one who wanted these moments together to last, but maybe he was dividing his attention between her and the creature determined to claim him.
Wasn’t going to happen! Not as long as she was alive.
“Earlier,” she said, “you told me not to mention Ghost Wolf. I didn’t succeed then, but I hope to now because you and I need to be together, just the two of us. Different from the other times.”
“Different how?”
Her swollen nipples were so sensitive she could barely stand to have her bra against them, so she reached behind her and unfastened it. She handed the garment to him.
“Why haven’t we spent a night together?” she asked. “Addie’s at your place but you could have come here.”
“You never asked.”
Rendered mute, Cat cupped her breasts. Any more emotional hits today and she might not survive. Kneading her nipples distracted her, and as long as she didn’t meet Matt’s eyes, she could get through the next few moments.
“Neither did I,” he said. “What would you have said if I had?”
“I don’t know.” The admission clogged her throat. “I’m used to waking up alone. What we had was great and I guess . . . Matt, I’m sorry.” Pulling courage around her, she lifted her head only to falter. In this lighting, Matt’s eyes and Ghost Wolf’s seemed the same color.
“Don’t apologize,” he said. “We knew what we were doing.”
Did they? More likely hormones had so defined their relationship that there wasn’t anything left for other elements. By the time they’d finished having exhausting sex, she’d only wanted to sleep. Alone and safe from his body’s impact on hers.
Oh, shit, she’d been afraid of him.
As afraid as she now was of Ghost Wolf?
“My head hurts,” she admitted. “My brain’s on overload.”
“Yeah, I know.”
Of course he did; his expression and dark, glittering eyes told her he’d reached his own limit. Taking another bite of courage, she unsnapped her jeans. She thought he might finish the job for her, but he didn’t. Leaning over, she untied her tennis shoes and pushed out of them, followed by the rest of her clothes. An outsider might conclude that sex between them was mechanical, but she needed it this way. Clothing first, then hopefully showing Matt how much he meant to her.
And learning the same from him.
“Lie down, please.” She indicated her bed. “On your stomach.”
Frowning, he slowly and hesitantly obeyed. Once he was in position with his head propped on his bent arms and facing her, she climbed onto the bed next to him. Whatever he’d done today had left him with a layer of sweat same as her, but then they were physical people. Leaning down, she lapped at the small of his back.
He stiffened. “Oh, God.”
“Relax, please.”
He didn’t, but then had she really expected him to be able to? When she again ran her tongue over him, her pussy clenched and her nipples tightened anew. Closing her eyes did nothing to quiet her physical reaction. Neither did placing her thumbs against his shoulder blades and massaging him there, but she kept on task by reminding herself that right now was about him.
Keepin
g Matt with her.
The stare from an unseen source continued to burn her. At any moment, Ghost Wolf might reappear, but she’d deal with that then. Matt was under her, prone but not easy in his skin, his head lifting occasionally and his breathing without rhythm.
Thinking of him, only him, she repeatedly kissed the back of his neck while running her hands over his ribs and spine. He’d adjusted his cock before settling onto the mattress, so hopefully he’d found a comfortable position. If not, she’d soon learn.
“Your body says everything about you.” She spoke with her mouth close to the base of his neck so her breath could run over him there. “For too long all I thought about was how sexy it was, but that’s only the half of it.”
Moistening her lips, she lightly ran them over the top of his left shoulder. He shuddered anew. Smiling, she slid the pads of her hands along his sides. The last few times they’d been together, he’d in essence stormed her, demanding sex and pushing all her buttons. Scaring and exciting her. Now, hopefully, she’d show him another way.
Keep him with her.
“You’ll never make it as a cover model,” she told him. “Too many scars and that uneven tan would have to go. You’re older than the pretty boys, and your muscles come from work, not weights.” Shifting position slightly, she pressed her thumb pad into the base of his spine. Grunting, he arched off the bed. “All in all, not the type they’re looking for.”
“Shit, Cat. And the point of this is?”
Desire, determination, maybe desperation was the best she could come up with.
She waited for him to relax again before trailing her hair along the length of his spine. Ignoring the kink in her neck, she guided the hair he’d set free over his buttocks.
“The point is, I know some things about you, Matt.” Again shifting, she ran a short-nailed finger between his ass cheeks. “Not everything I need to, but it’s a start.”
Grunting, he tried to turn onto his side. She stopped him by placing her body on top of his with her breasts pressing against his back.
“You’re not going anywhere, because for once in your life you aren’t the one in control.”