I turn to Tyler. “I want to sell the house. It’s not my home, but I want one last visit before I do.” I take a deep breath and hold it before I exhale.
“When do you want to go?”
I shrug. I know he’s on tour, and I don’t want to leave him, but I need to do this. “Tomorrow?”
“Officer Williams said a lawyer would be contacting you, but we can easily talk to the bank and get the information we need. I don’t have to be in LA until Saturday. We can go and be back by then.”
“Tyler, you don’t have to go. I don’t want to disrupt your routine.”
“Red, I’ll be damned if I don’t go with you.” He holds my hand and laces our fingers. “I’ll call the airline, and we will fly out tomorrow. We can be in San Francisco in a few hours. The bus will continue to travel down, and we will meet them in LA before the concert.”
He plans this so effortlessly.
“I have money saved.”
“No, Red. I’m booking the flights. I’ll get us a hotel.” He doesn’t allow for a discussion, turning to his phone to search flights.
I lie down and close my eyes.
Everyone was supportive of our decision to drive to San Francisco earlier than planned for us to fly out to Georgia. I’m glad the guys were excited to spend some days in the city and didn’t give me a hard time. We flew out of San Francisco early the next morning and rented a car in Atlanta.
After three hours in the car, we finally park in front of my childhood house. I stare from the windshield. The same yellow paint covers it. The plants are overgrown in the window planters.
Although it hasn’t been that long since I left here, it feels like an eternity. A lot can happen in a year and a half. I look over at Tyler and offer a tight smile.
“Ready?”
I nod and grab the key I always kept with me. I don’t know why I didn’t fling it far away when I ran.
Before I unlock the door, I take a deep breath. When I walk in, he won’t be there anymore. I remind myself that this is a shell now. Tyler sneaks his hand in mine and looks over at me, encouraging me with his smile.
I turn the key and slowly open the door. Hesitant to take a step in, I tense my shoulders.
“I’m right here with you,” Tyler says.
“Thank you.” I stare into his eyes and know that with him by my side, I can conquer anything. I know that the strength I have built within me has prepared me for this.
With confidence, I walk into the house that tore me down. I look around, flashes of the past running through my mind. Yet, the memories are weak in my system now.
The further I walk in, the filthier the house is. A few picture frames linger throughout and I watch Tyler pick one up.
“This was you,” he states.
“Yes.” It is me as a little girl wearing a sundress and playing in a park. My mother had told me to pose for a picture, but all I wanted to do was go back on the swings. She caught me mid-stride with a big smile.
“I’m taking it,” Tyler says. “And this one.” He grabs another frame with a picture of my mom and I when I was a teenager.
When I reach the door to my old room, I pause. I don’t know what I will feel once I open it. I remember the desire to feel invisible during the nights, so he wouldn’t see me. Powerless. Afraid.
I can’t do it. I back away from the door and jump when I bump into Tyler. He places his hands on my shoulders and pulls me back to hug me from behind.
“Have I told you how much I admire you?” he whispers in my ear.
“I can’t do it.”
“Together.” He leans over and turns the knob, pushing the door open so I can see the entire room before I walk in.
Twin bed in the center with the headboard against the wall. Sheets rumpled and undone. An empty bottle of beer lying on the floor by the closet. The walls painted the same pink from my childhood.
Without releasing his hold around me, Tyler guides us inside. I am stiff as I walk with him, looking all around. More flashes of memories race through me.
I am strong.
I breathe deeply and walk further in on my own. Tyler gives me space to do what I need to do. I look around and see clothes still hanging in my closet. An old razor lies on top of my bedside table. I look at Tyler standing in this room and then at my reflection in the mirror hanging over my dresser.
Suddenly, this room no longer feels like a threat. The woman I see in the mirror is not the girl that laid on this bed. The man who has entered this room is an honest man. I look at Tyler again.
“Thank you,” I say aloud. I exhale, releasing the final tension that had crept into my body. “Thank you for teaching me strength. For being the lesson I needed, for whatever reason. I no longer need to hide under covers for fear that the night would get me. Now I can stand in the darkest of places, knowing I am safe because I believe in myself. What’s left of this place is no longer mine to carry.”
I close my eyes briefly, smiling as the weight of what this place represents is lifted. I turn around and walk out of the room. I hear Tyler’s muffled voice from the living room. “Thank you for bringing her to me.” When he walks out, he closes the door behind me and holds out his hand for me to grab.
I take one last look around. This place is now only a skeleton of what it was. A cleaning crew will come take care of the mess. When I walk outside, I call the realtor Tyler had found and tell him to list the property. Then, I get back in the car and turn on the ignition.
“Where are we going?” Tyler asks as he climbs into the passenger side, taking my lead.
“Home.”
With two days left before we need to meet Joe and the rest of the guys in Los Angeles, I drive back to Atlanta’s airport. I book the first flight to Nashville for Tyler and I, and wait until it’s time for our flight. Tyler has been silent for most of the day. He is allowing me to take charge and make decisions.
It all clicked back at the house. I knew I was getting closure, but I didn’t realize I would also be empowered. The broken pieces that were still left inside of me were shed when I walked out of my old room. When I spoke the words that were inside me. When I thanked the people involved in my life for the roles they played.
Everything is weaved perfectly in the universe. We see it as good or bad because we judge it. It is in our nature to do so. In reality, things happen for certain purposes. Some of our own free will and others because we must experience them to grow. I look at the bracelet Tyler gave me and run my finger over the arrow.
Tyler sits next to me with his eyes closed.
“I want to get my tattoo.”
He opens one eye and looks at me. I try not to laugh.
“When?”
“I don’t know. Tomorrow?”
“It doesn’t work that way, but I’ll see if Brian can squeeze us in.” He shakes his head and smiles, amused by my request.
The flight to Nashville passes quickly, and we are soon being dropped off at Tyler’s house by the cab driver. It’s late when we arrive.
“I know coming to Nashville is out of the way and unplanned, but I wanted to be back home before we continued the tour. I wanted to place roots somewhere after what happened earlier.”
Tyler pulls me to him sleepily and kisses the top of my head. “I don’t mind at all. Whatever you need to move on from this.”
I blink and look up at him, staring into his green eyes. I cup his jaw and kiss his chin. “I love you.” I lean up on my toes and kiss his lips. “Make me forget him. Erase his memory from my body. You are the only man I have ever wanted to touch me.”
Without question, Tyler slams his lips down to mine. He holds my face firmly as his tongue begins an exploration of my mouth, seeking my tongue to dance with. I sigh into him, wrapping my arms around his back and gripping his shirt.
“Red,” he groans as he lifts me from the back of my thighs and picks me up. He kisses me more fervently, his breath mingling with mine. “You’re all mine, Red.” His lips move down, le
aving a trail of kisses from my cheek to my neck.
He moves us up the stairs and opens the door to his room. Before stepping in, he says, “Mikayla, I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. If you want to stop at any time, tell me.”
“Make love to me.” My voice cracks at the end, but he walks us into the room, placing me on the bed with a gentle kiss. I want the ultimate intimacy with Tyler. For so long, the idea of sex was taboo to me. It was painful and hateful. I know it can be so much more. It is a connection between two people that bonds them on another level. I never had that opportunity since I was robbed of it, but right now I want that with Tyler. I crave it.
“I’m going to take my time. I am going to show you how much you mean to me. How special you are. I’m going to spend the rest of my life showing you.”
I swallow back the lump in my throat. My heart is racing in my chest and echoing in my ears. I run my palms over my jeans and stare at him. I know I am reflecting the same emotions, despite my nerves.
Tyler moves onto the bed and begins kissing me again. His lips are soft against mine as his hand caresses my arm. It is slow and sweet. Nothing more than love between us. His lips kiss my neck, taking his time tasting me. Chills cover my skin at the feel of him.
“I love you.” Tyler shivers as my breath tickles his ear.
His hands roam my body, and I tense when I feel his fingers tickle the skin right above my jeans.
“I’m going to take off your shirt, okay?” he whispers carefully, waiting for my response.
“Okay,” I choke out.
“If you want me to stop, say the word.”
“No,” I say quickly. “Be patient with me.”
“I have no where else to be, Red.”
His hands grab the hem of my shirt and slowly pull it over my head. Tyler bends his head and kisses my chest, right above my heart. Then he moves to kiss the other side, right above my breast. I grip the back of his neck tightly.
Tyler showers me with soft pecks all over my body. His hands run over my skin tenderly, his calloused fingers tickling me. I sigh audibly and melt into his touch. Focusing only on my feelings towards him, I loosen my body.
Tyler leans up and looks into my eyes. I don’t need words from him to understand what he is feeling. This is the first time he is also completely vulnerable to someone else. We are both bare of excuses or limitations. It is he and I.
I lean up and devour his mouth, sucking his air and giving him mine. In tune with each other, our tongues meet at the same time in a passionate duel. I run my hands down his back, gripping his body.
“Your jeans,” is all he says. I squeeze my eyes shut and wait. “Red, look at me.” I take in a shaky breath. The tip of his nose travels down my cheek. “It’s me, love.”
I blink my eyes open and look at him.
“It’s only me,” he repeats. His hand slowly undoes the button on my jeans, never breaking eye contact. The zipper carefully moves down. Before he removes me jeans, he spreads his hand on my stomach. “You know how much I love you, right?” I nod. “Good.” His lips brush mine swiftly, and then he’s staring into my eyes again when he sits back on his heels.
Tyler peels my jeans off unhurriedly. My cream legs are exposed, and I’m lying on his bed in nothing but my underwear set. My legs twitch when he caresses them, but he continues his exploration.
“You are so beautiful. I don’t tell you that enough. And so brave. So full of life and love.” He places his hand over my heart. “So much love.”
I’m breathing quickly, a contradiction to his movements. Tyler lazily touches my skin, still not touching anywhere too intimate. He is taking his time to acclimate me to these new sensations.
A part of me wants to cry. She wants to run away and hide. Another part of me wants to give all of myself to Tyler. She wants to happily love him.
Tyler covers my body with his and kisses me again. Exposed, I can now feel more of his body. He is hard, yet so patient. Not taking anything from me, only giving me everything.
“I want to feel you.” I nod against his lips, but I grip his biceps and squeeze my eyes shut.
“Baby, look at me,” he whispers. He plants a kiss on my neck. “It’s me. Only me,” he repeats.
When I look into his eyes, I completely relax. They glimmer with peace and hope. This is something I have been holding back on because of my disgrace. I now know that I am better than what I lived. I deserve more than being used and manipulated. I deserve love and happiness. I deserve to live and feel all that is around me. And being intimate with someone is not something to hide from. It is something to bask in when the feelings are mutual and the desire is reciprocated.
“Heal my scars,” I tell him.
“My pleasure.”
Tyler keeps his eyes locked on mine as he lifts his body over me with one hand and the other hand runs down my body to my underwear. He pulls them off.
“You’re mine.” His fingers linger over my most intimate part for a beat before he brushes against me. My body jolts and my heart skids out of my chest, but it feels . . . good.
I inhale fully and release my breath on a soft moan, taking in the pleasure he’s giving me. He is so different. Soft. Gentle.
“I love you,” he says on repeat as he explores more of my body. His hand moves over my clitoris in circles, causing my breathing to hitch, and he enters me with a finger.
Tyler continues feeling all of me, exposing my breasts and touching me there as well. At some moments, I want to pull away and yell, but then I look into his eyes and see the difference. The difference between someone who intends to harm and someone who loves.
My body reacts to his touches, heating as he continues to please me. The sensation is familiar, but the emotions are new. They wash over me like a blanket of passion and comfort until I’m calling out Tyler’s name like a broken record.
Sweat shimmers in a thin layer over my body. I look down to where his fingers were and then up at him. His eyes sparkle, and I follow his tongue as it licks his lips.
Silently, I lift my hands to the hem of his shirt and pull it up as far as I reach. Tyler finishes removing it and I stare at his chest, running the palms of my hands down his body, feeling his heartbeat. My fingers stroke his stomach and chest, feeling the sprinkle of hair that covers his torso.
I never imagined I could feel this way. I could feel so complete and loved, yet independent. I never imagined this connection could be this way—unique and special. Not tainted with immorality. No. When I look at Tyler in this moment, I see this is as important to him.
I pause when I reach the belt on his jeans. He smiles and nods, waiting for me to make the next move. The belt is undone; the jeans are loosened. I sit up and scoot closer to him. Tyler stands next to the bed, and I lower his jeans. I close my eyes momentarily, regaining focus on this moment and this man.
I feel the warmth of his hands around my cheeks and his warm breath near my face. Tyler kisses each of my eyelids and then my lips.
“We don’t have to go any further tonight,” he murmurs against my mouth.
“I want to,” I respond.
He lays me back down; featherlike touches caress my skin before he removes his boxer briefs. I try not to stare, but my eyes are drawn to his length.
“Eyes up here, Red.” I hear the smile in his voice, but follow his command. “Tonight is about you.”
Careful not to put his entire weight on me, he leans his body down, holding himself with his forearms. Kisses pepper my jaw and chin. Then he kisses my nose and forehead, moving to my neck and chest. His right hand grips my waist sensually as his mouth moves with mine, tongues dancing, lips parting, breaths mingling. My legs fall open slightly and Tyler’s body fits perfectly between them. I feel him rubbing against me every so often as we kiss.
This man has allowed me a second chance at life. A second chance at happiness. He has stood by my side as a friend and a partner. Now, I want him to stand beside me as a lo
ver, as well.
My hands roam down his back, my body igniting with each swipe of his tongue.
“Ty,” I moan.
“Yes?”
“Make love to me.” I almost don’t recognize my voice, hoarse and laden with desire.
Tyler reaches over to his nightstand, opening a drawer to get a condom, I presume. He moves his fingers between my legs after rolling on the condom and says, “Relax, okay? I got you, Red. Always will. You are all that matters to me.”
To ease the tension, he kisses me languidly and positions himself at my entrance. He inches in slowly, taking his time to become acquainted with my body. I hook my arms around him and grip his shoulders, the sensation of him filling me runs through my body.
I exhale as he pushes in completely and stills. Eyes closed and mouths expressing without words, something new washes over me. This must be the ultimate connection between two beings in love. I imagined what it could feel like, but my mind always pushed it away because of the memories it would bring to the forefront. Now that I am here, healed and in love, the sensation of moving as one with Tyler is indescribable.
Suddenly, I understand the connection of the yin-yang. Both polarities molding into each other to create perfect balance.
Tyler and I move together, euphoria traveling throughout us. Our hands continue to roam and feel. Our mouths move in unison. The language used for expression is sacred. This is what it should have always felt like. Not forced or trespassing, but tender and caring.
With each thrust of Tyler’s hips the only memories left are those of this experience. Each kiss dissolves another scar.
Heat begins to rise within me again as Tyler’s groans turn into deeper grunts. My body is sensitive as I climb higher and higher. My orgasm washes over me, and I call out Tyler’s name freely.
He follows in suit, groaning I love you and calling out my name until he stills. With his eyes closed, he leans his forehead on mine and tries to catch his breath. One final kiss touches my lips before he carefully pulls out of my body.
“Red, you are the most amazing person I know.” He still hovers over me. “Each day you make me want to be a better man than I was the day before. You strengthen me by being yourself. By showing me the lengths of your love and devotion.”
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