Disgust and fear slammed through her at the sound of their ragged breathing. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She never lost control. Not like this.
He tried to wrap his arms around her and hold her, and panic pushed forward, clogging her throat. Evidently, her body trusted him enough to let go, but she couldn’t convince her heart and mind. She shoved at his shoulders, desperate for space. He released her, but uncertainty shadowed his eyes.
Scrambling off his lap, she backed away and crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m sorry…”
“Tess?” He rose and walked toward her. “Are you okay?” He reached out to wipe the tears from her cheeks, but she flinched, and he dropped his hand. His eyes clouded with concern.
“Did I hurt you?”
She shook her head, aching at the worry emanating from his eyes. She was such an idiot. She couldn’t even manage casual sex without screwing things up. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”
His hand hovered near her face then dropped to his side.
“What’s the matter?” he asked.
Tears of shame and disappointment pricked her eyelids again. “Nothing.”
She could tell from his contemplative manner she’d answered too quickly. He pulled an afghan from the back of the couch and moved to wrap it around her. When she instinctively took a step back, he held it out.
“Are you okay?” he asked again.
“I’m fine.” With a trembling hand, she grabbed the blanket and turned around while she adjusted it over her shoulders. She glanced back but couldn’t quite meet his eyes. “I can’t do this. I need you to…”
“Go,” he supplied.
His expression was inscrutable, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out what he was thinking. He thought she was a freak. Plain and simple. The sad thing was he was right.
“Tess, talk to me. Please.”
She shook her head, willing her tears not to fall. “Just leave, please. I need you to go.”
Silently, he scooped his clothes from the floor. Hand on the doorknob, he turned to look at her, his reluctance to leave obvious. “If you need anything, I’m right next door.”
The door closed, leaving her alone in the darkness. Latching all three locks, she sagged against the door and cried. More than she had in years. She’d thrown away something important tonight, something she hadn’t even realized she’d held. For a short time, she’d thought she might be capable of acting on desire rather than a need for control.
His face rose in her mind, and for a moment, she could hear his pitiless laugh. Shaking with cold and sadness, she dressed in flannel pajama pants and a sweatshirt, wincing as she drew the fabric over her skin. Her nerve endings were hypersensitive, and the scent of her arousal mocked the moment of bliss she’d found in Zander’s arms.
Tessa double-checked the locks on the doors and windows. When she got to her bedroom window, she froze and her heart dropped into her stomach. A figure stood in the shadows near the house across the street. Was it her stalker?
The temperature in the room plunged twenty degrees in nothing flat. Her sadness turned to fear, and her teeth began to chatter.
She watched the faint, orange glow of a cigarette burn in the darkness. The person dropped it on the sidewalk and walked away. Eventually, the spark faded to black.
* * * *
Tessa had managed to avoid any morning-after awkwardness with Zander by leaving early for work. Sure, it was cowardly, but it was better than the alternative.
When she arrived at the shelter, she found several notes waiting for her. They were all variations on a theme.
I’ve been patient.
I haven’t forgotten what you did.
Payback’s a bitch.
The messages had transformed from unsettling to threatening. She’d bring them to Detective Duritz, but first, she needed to meet with Karen who was already waiting. It looked as if Tessa wasn’t the only one who’d had a bad night. Hopefully, this information would turn up something useful.
By the time Tessa finished her appointment with Karen, Duritz was out on a call, so she left everything with the young desk officer who’d promise he’d give it to the detective as soon as he returned. Frustrated, she drove to the library, constantly checking her rearview mirror. There didn’t seem to be anyone following her. She checked the dashboard clock. Late again. She hoped Emily wouldn’t miss class because of her.
“Nice of you to join us, boss,” Emily sniped as Tessa ducked through the doors. “I’ve been dodging McFeely all morning.”
Tessa sighed as the man approached. “Speak of the devil,” she muttered. “Can I help you with something?” she asked him.
“She,” he pointed at her assistant, “refuses to give me the New Joy of Sex.”
Emily snapped her gum. “Damn straight. Can’t give you something we don’t have.”
Tessa stifled a groan at the glare he shot her assistant. “You’re on the waiting list. That’s the best we can do.”
“Will you help me pick out something else?”
She stepped around the desk and headed for the nonfiction section, motioning for him to walk in front of her. This morning, she sensed something different, something coiled and tense. Anger.
“I don’t appreciate you setting the cops on me,” he hissed as soon as they’d rounded the bookcase.
“Pardon?”
“A detective stopped by my office yesterday, asking a lot of questions about you.” He moved closer, menacing.
Was McFeely her stalker? She wouldn’t have thought it possible. She’d only given his name to Duritz because he’d pushed for more people to investigate. McFeely’s intensity made her question that assumption. She took an involuntary step back then stopped and stood her ground.
“What did you tell him about me?” he demanded.
“If you’d keep your hands to yourself, you wouldn’t have had to worry about talking to the police.” She straightened her spine, refusing to let him intimidate her. “I should have said this a long time ago, but I’m saying it now. Touch me or any of my staff again, and you’ll be banned from this establishment and brought up on sexual misconduct charges.”
His eyes narrowed, and he inclined his head at her before turning on his heel. She watched as he stormed past the front desk and out the door.
“Nice work, boss.” Emily draped her arm around Tessa’s neck. “I’m impressed.”
“Thanks.” She should be proud of herself for telling him off. Instead, she just felt drained.
“Oh, I almost forgot. Some guy has been calling for you.”
A chill washed over Tessa’s skin. “Did he leave a message?” she asked, hoping her voice didn’t tremble.
“Oh yeah. Only about a hundred of them. He seemed pretty desperate to get a hold of you.”
Her stomach tightened.
“He said his name is Zander.”
Tessa felt as though her body was a rubber band that had just snapped. It was a wonder she didn’t sag to the floor. She sighed. Of course, he would have tried the library. She’d already ignored all the texts and calls he’d left on her cell.
She could just imagine how that conversation would go. Hi, Zander. So sorry I’m a psycho.
“The messages are on your desk,” Emily said, breaking into her musings. “I’m going to class now. See you tomorrow.”
“Okay. Bye, Em.”
Her assistant waved and grinned as she grabbed her backpack from behind the desk and headed out the front door.
Tessa checked the clock. Five hours until she could lock up and leave for the night. After reading Zander’s messages, she wasn’t sure she wanted to go home right away. He wanted to talk. Too bad. She wanted to avoid. Maybe, she’d invite Cat and Annie to dinner tonight.
* * * *
Tessa scanned the restaurant, looking for her friends. She’d gotten there forty minutes later than she’d planned on. When she’d left the library, she found yet another envelope on her car. The message had made her
blood run cold.
I’ll content myself with the rest until I’m ready for you.
The rest of what? Or more precisely who? How many people would suffer because of her?
She’d gone to see Detective Duritz immediately. He’d tried not to let it show, but he’d been frustrated by her inability to think of other suspects. No more frustrated than she was. So far, he hadn’t turned up any promising leads from the names she’d given him earlier. He’d scrawled his cell phone number on the back of his business card and given it to her. Next to it, he’d written day or night. It wasn’t a comfort.
“Finally,” Cat said, bringing Tessa back to the present. “Annie had to leave, and I was getting ready to call out the Mounties to look for you. Do you not answer text messages anymore or what?”
“I’m sorry. I should have called. It’s been a really long day.”
“I hope the reason you’re late involves a certain gorgeous neighbor.”
Tessa sighed. She wasn’t about to mention the notes. She didn’t want to worry Cat over what would likely turn out to be nothing. Besides, Cat had already gone through so much with her already. She didn’t need to add any more Tessa-trauma to her life. Once a decade was plenty.
“Just work stuff.” Guilt swamped her at her deceit. Cat, Zander…who wasn’t she lying to? Though she tried to relax, she ended up scanning the restaurant for familiar faces.
Cat sniffed the air. “I smell something burning. Oh look, it’s your pants.”
Tessa laughed in spite of herself.
“You’ve always been a terrible liar, and obviously, you haven’t improved. What’s going on?”
How was she supposed to explain this? She still couldn’t believe what had almost happened last night with Zander. What would’ve have happened if she hadn’t freaked out. She wasn’t sure what horrified her more—the fact that she’d almost had sex with him or the fact that she’d thrown him out. The first normal, sexual response I have in years and I tell him to leave.
Heat flooded Tessa at the memory of him moving beneath her then she remembered the confusion and concern in his eyes. Unforgiving reality chased the warmth away. How could she have done that to him? He probably wouldn’t speak to her again. Or worse, he’d talk to her as if she were a head trauma victim.
Her friend opened her mouth again. “C’mon ’fess up about what’s really going on between the two of you.”
“Nothing.” Her voice broke, and she swallowed back the tears that threatened. She blinked against the burning sensation. She didn’t want to know what he thought of her now. Of course, she’d likely already know if she would have returned his calls instead of avoiding him like a coward. She’d bet the fake relationship was off.
Cat pounced. “Tell me everything.”
Tessa contemplated her options. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to tell Cat, but she couldn’t get her thoughts straight in her own head. How was she supposed to explain it to someone else?
“Well…” she began and drifted off.
Her friend arched a single golden brow. “Am I going to find an overnight visitor when I come over for our Wednesday morning workout?”
“Oh please.” Tessa sighed. “There really isn’t anything to tell.”
“Hel-lo! I saw the way he watched you the other night. He wants you. Badly. How can there not be anything to tell? What is the matter with you? He’s hot!”
She raised her eyebrows at her friend. “Oh really?”
“Well, he’s got that whole having-a-penis-thing against him and he loses points for that, but still, I know hetero yum-a-licious when I see it.”
Tessa tried to smile and shook her head. “Better be careful, or I’ll tell Susan you’re considering switching sides.” That’s what she tried to say, anyway. She wasn’t sure if that’s what Cat heard. By the time Tessa had finished her sentence, she’d lost the battle against the tears she’d been fighting.
“Tess, honey, what is it?” Compassion laced with steel edged Cat’s voice. “Did he hurt you? If he hurt you, I’m going to kick his ass myself.”
“No,” Tessa choked out. “It’s not him. It’s me. I’m an idiot.” She laid her head against the back of the booth. More tears rushed down her cheeks.
“Honey, honey. What’s the matter?” Cat leaned across the small table and clasped Tessa’s hands.
“We almost had sex last night,” she whispered.
“Okay.” Cat waited. “Clearly, I’m not seeing the bad in all this.”
Tessa sniffled and swiped at her eyes. “I freaked and threw him out.”
“Oh.” The expression on Cat’s face was pure sympathy. “What happened?”
“He made me feel…I don’t know. He made me feel things I haven’t felt since …before…” She raised her head and stared into her friend’s sky blue eyes. “I lost control with him.”
She still couldn’t quite believe it had happened. She simply didn’t do that. It wasn’t that she didn’t get fulfillment from sex, but she got it on her terms. When she was ready and not before. Vulnerable didn’t even come close to describing what she was feeling.
Cat held her gaze. “You know, Tess, that might not be such a bad thing.” Tessa opened her mouth, but Cat continued. “He took so much from you, especially your ability to trust. Maybe, Zander can help you find it again.”
“I don’t think that’s anything I need to worry about. He won’t be talking to me after last night.” Tessa wiped her cheeks with her hand. A wave of fresh pain sliced at her. She liked Zander. Liked him a lot. More than was safe since they were just friends. If they were even that anymore.
“How do you feel about him?” Cat asked.
“It doesn’t matter. None of this is real.”
Cat crossed her arms and leveled a pointed stare at her. “Part of it must be. If it weren’t, you wouldn’t be tied in knots over this. Part of you cares for him and trusts him enough to let yourself go.”
Tessa felt like a jumper who needed to be talked down from a ledge. “You’re forgetting one very important thing, Cat.”
“And that is?”
“He doesn’t want a relationship. I don’t want a relationship. Besides, he’s probably going to turn tail and run in the opposite direction next time he sees me.”
“All this negativity is bad for you,” Cat admonished.
“It’s not negativity. It’s just the truth.” More than anything, she wished the truth could be different.
That thought had followed her home as she tiptoed up the stairs at midnight. She didn’t want to wake Mrs. Bartz. Or Zander. He’d left a couple more voicemails on her cell phone during the evening and she hadn’t returned any of them.
Tessa reached the landing and stopped dead in her tracks. The streetlight shone through the window, highlighting the note taped to her door.
Tessa’s breath caught in her throat, and she quickly scanned the landing and hallway. Empty. She forced herself to move forward. With a trembling hand, she lifted the message from the door. The ragged edges of the paper looked as if the sheet had been torn from a notebook. That in itself was unusual. Maybe, he’d run out of manila envelopes.
She unfolded the note, and relief trickled over her. Zander. He wanted her to call him as soon as she got home. Well, that wouldn’t happen tonight. It was past midnight.
As far as excuses went, it was pretty flimsy. His living room and bedroom lights had been on when she got home. She’d even seen his shadow move past the window. He was definitely awake. Was he waiting up for her? As quietly as possible, she unlocked her door and slipped inside.
Chapter Eight
Zander checked his watch. One o’clock in the morning. Where the hell was she? He tossed down the exam he’d been trying to grade and rubbed his eyes. Everything had been going so well last night then bam! The look in her eyes had torn at his gut since he’d left her last night. He looked out the window and spotted her car parked right behind his She’d made it home. Relief shot through him. He opened his f
ront door and peered out into the hallway. His note was gone.
He’d worried about her all day. She hadn’t returned any of his calls. Now, it seemed she wouldn’t answer his message either. He considered storming over to her place and demanding answers, but he knew how far he’d get with a confrontation. Instead, he gave up and got ready for bed.
Zander lay down, but he didn’t expect to sleep. Questions about Tessa churned through his mind, troubling him. He fingered the scratches on his chest. She’d clawed at him when she’d shoved him away. He was almost sure she had no idea she’d done it. What the hell had happened? Why had she’d asked him to leave? Sure, he’d been disappointed that they hadn’t finished but why had she stopped it? That was the real question.
He would’ve sworn she was on board with their encounter. Her hot, teasing words, the way she stripped off their clothes—hell, he didn’t think he had any buttons left on his shirt. She’d touched him so eagerly. So confidently. There had been nothing naïve or tentative in her response to him.
Her contradictions surprised him. He’d expected passion but not unbridled, sexual aggressiveness. She’d met his efforts with her own, as though she had something to prove. He wanted to know what other surprises his angel hid beneath her innocent exterior.
In daily life, she was a mixture of reticent and demonstrative. But sexually, she was compelling, resolute and completely in charge. She’d refused to let him take the lead. He wasn’t complaining, but discontent nagged at him anyway. It was similar to putting together a complicated jigsaw puzzle only to discover the last three pieces were missing.
It was as if he’d scared her somehow. Or something had. Most women didn’t respond to an orgasm with fear. She’d come. He was sure of that. He’d felt her release, felt the shudders rack her body, but it hadn’t been enough.
He wasn’t even sure her pleasure had had all that much to do with him. He had the right equipment, and he was available. But he was beginning to doubt it went any deeper than that. The realization stung, then burned, when he recognized that he wanted more from her.
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