“Wondering how she can survive out here? How she could even exist since geneticists didn’t have a hand in her creation?”
I nodded again. My stomach was in knots. I was afraid of the child, and the realization made me sick. Xavi’d played with her— peek-a-boo— and she just laughed and laughed. The innocent happiness broke my heart in secret places.
“Wondering how someone could put a toddler through a life like this?” He continued.
“How could they be so ignorant?” I finally broke down. It was the one thing he didn’t think to worry about, but it was the biggest thing that was bothering me. “It’s dangerous. She could collapse an entire line—“
“Wait. What? Don’t tell me you still believe that?”
“You don’t?”
“You have to change how you think, or it’ll be the end of you out here. On the Tracks, there is no such thing as the G.E.G.”
I stood up and backed away. I couldn’t believe what he was saying. I couldn’t believe he was actually defending the atrocity we just spent hours with. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” And he didn’t. He hadn’t seen what I’d seen in the labs. He’d spent his life on the Tracks. He couldn’t possibly know.
“I do.”
“How? You’re just a Track-kid. You’ve never—“
“And you think that makes you smarter than me? You think people on the Tracks are worthless because they don’t contribute to some genetic line? You think I’m worth nothing?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Oh, but you did. You think I’m genetically inferior to you. If you only knew! But you don’t. You know nothing about me! Nothing about my past, and you’ve learned nothing since we’ve met! I thought you were opening your eyes! I thought you were finally seeing!”
Tears grew hot, hot, hot on my face. “I— I—“
“If you really think that way, what’s this?” He waved his hands at the space between us. “What are we? Are you telling me that, when the time was right, if we were ever ready, you wouldn’t want a—“
“A child?” The horror of it shredded my tears away so that only disdain was left. “Out here? A child? What kind of life would this be? We weren’t partnered. We could create a genetic—“
“Abomination?” His voice grew soft and wrapped around the world like he held sharp metal between his teeth. “I used to think as you do, but believe it or not, it was you who taught me to think differently.”
“Stop. Just stop. I can’t—“
“Shhhh. Listen.” His ears pulled out the silence until a crack in the brush was louder than our fight. “Who’s there?” Xavi yelled.
A boy came out of the trees and grinned. “We come in peace.” There was laughter in his eyes, which were as brown as his skin and as bright as his smile. Another boy and two girls peeked out from around the tree. They had this energy about them that was instantaneously unobtrusive. I knew there was nothing to fear, and I was relieved they cut our fight in half. I didn’t like arguing with Xavi. It was like walking with boots on the wrong feet. Had I known I wouldn’t get the chance to smooth things over with him, maybe I’d have tried to fix our fight right then and there? But the future was something I was never able to see clearly.
“I’m Grins,” the boy said. “This is Mabel, Maddy, and Sharky. And her over there, she’s new to us.” A girl walked out from behind the others. She was pretty in that weird kind of way, with eyes that were too green and legs that made me jealous. “That’s Annabeth.”
“If you want to make your Daddy proud, it’s your big chance. Why do you think I have to bounce so quick? They’re about to raid one of your precious trains.”
“You think I didn’t figure that out already?” Ono laughed. “You weren’t as subtle as you thought.”
I turned to keep walking. I pushed a tree branch out of my way, and I knew by the sound of the thwack that it hit him in the face. He still didn’t let go of my pack.
“Nikomedes. Please.”
“Get it through your head, and get it there fast. I. OWE. YOU. NOTHING. I won’t go back to that life. I can’t. So you might as well go fight your war. I’m not some trinket you can parade back to your Daddy.”
“Do you love him?”
I sighed. “Polo’s a friend.”
“I knew that part, of you wouldn’t have left him. But there’s a different reason you don’t think you can come with me. Do you love Xavi?”
“You already know the answer to that, but it doesn’t matter, does it? Xavi isn’t here.”
“But I’m here. I won’t do what he did. I won’t leave you.”
“Paramonos, eh?” Daddy grinned at the name. He’d been bringing up the boy’s name as the weeks went by. One year was all I was given for my goodbyes. It wasn’t a word that sunk in yet.
Goodbye.
How was I supposed to say it?
Travel wasn’t easy between Colonies, and my children would never be close to their grandparents— at least not on my side of the family. It didn’t seem fair. “He’s pretty important, from what I understand. You’re moving up so many Castes with this match, my little genius girl!” We sat on our porch and took in the night.
Next to Daddy, I saw the year I had left with him disappear. One year? It’d go too fast. The thought of leaving home became too much. “I don’t want to go,” I whispered. “I want to stay with you. With Mama.”
The porch light screamed in shadows, and it only made Daddy look older. He was growing into an antique face, and I knew I got my eyes from him. I got other things from him too. Because of him, my heart was solid and steadfast, I knew right from wrong, and I knew what it meant to love in all the right ways.
“I know, but you have to go,” Daddy answered. “You could still refuse, but you’re too stoic for that. You’ll do the right thing. I don’t want you to get your hopes up, but I’m putting in for a transfer. Since your mother and I are already matched and willing to agree to sterilization, we have a good chance of coming with you. We’re willing to do it— for you.”
The news caused me to hope anyways. Genetic lines were a currency in the Republic, and my parents still dreamed of having another kid. They petitioned every year and never lost hope with every rejection, even though the reason for it sat at their dinner table every night— me. To give up that possibility completely was too big of a sacrifice. “Daddy. You don’t have to—“
“It’s not a sacrifice. You being partnered up so many Castes is an honor. It’ll be worth giving up our chances to witness yours— see where it all goes. All these years, we thought there was something wrong with us, and now we discover… You have no idea how wonderful it is to have others see your child as you do. You’ve always been the world to me. You’ve always been special to me. But now, you’re special to the Republic.” Daddy hugged me with all the tenderness he could muster. “I’m so proud of you. We want to come with you.”
“Guys! I’m home!” Mama yelled as she closed the door behind her. “What’s for dinner?”
Daddy smiled. There was something he loved deeply about her, and it didn’t make sense to me. I knew people always ended up loving their partner, since chemistry never lies, but Daddy and Mama seemed on a different plane. Other couples never seemed to have knowing looks and inside jokes to their degree. Even the way Daddy lit up when Mama came home was different, like he was getting a surprise each time.
He patted my shoulder before going inside to greet her, and I was left to stare at the night that was too yellow under the lights of the Colony.
He was too earnest to be lying, and if he was after the Rebels, they were right there at his fingertips. He was willing to ignore it all to prove his story, but every kind word or gesture would never bring my parents back. It was a wrong he could never right. I knew it wasn’t his fault. I knew he wasn’t to blame. But I would never be able to face the Chancellor without denying the urge to cut his stupid, selfish throat out.
“I can’t give you what you want.”
Ono tugged at my pack so that I stopped. The red light sent hues down every needle on the pines in front of us. “You don’t know that. We haven’t even tried.”
“I don’t need to try. Your father had my parents—“
“—murdered. I know. I’ll never forgive him for taking you from me.”
“You talk as if you can still have me, but you don’t even know me.”
He took a few steps so that he stood beside me rather than behind. “You’d be surprised by what I know about you now. Maybe you could have claimed that a few weeks ago, but I know you. You know me… and we owe it to our lines to try.”
I blushed. It was a blush that hurt, because he did know me in ways no one else knew me. “Niko. I get it. You love him— the boy who left. But. I. Am. Here.” He reached up and tugged the headlamp off my forehead. The red box moved with his hand as he clicked it off. “Look at all the darkness around you. Can you honestly say you want to walk through it all alone? Especially when you don’t have to? I’m not a bad consolation prize if you give me the chance.”
I could only see in waves of black. He had my light, and I wanted it back. I grasped out to find it, and my hand met his. Instead of letting me take the headlamp back, he laced his fingers into mine. He brought our hands to my face, and rubbed my cheek with his thumb. “I’m not saying we have to go crazy. Let’s stick together. Get to know each other better? Does that sound fair?”
When the sound came, it came fast. A crash. A smash. A broken, splintered door. Daddy shouted. Mama screeched. The gunshots that followed silenced them both.
I stood at the backdoor as soldiers in shiny black invaded our small home, and instead of freezing at the guns pointing my way, I ran. I didn’t look back. I ran and ran and ran in the dark until the trees became woods and woods became forests and I was lost in the middle of nothing and everything.
The raid started on the rails. The screech of the train halting sounded like an owl dying, and a cacophony of gunshots ricochetted off the trees. I yanked my hand out of Ono’s, reclaimed the headlamp, and turned it on. We needed to move fast. We were still too close to the tracks. What if the Rebels failed in what they were doing? What if soldiers combed these woods sooner rather than later?
I moved into a jog as much as my limitations allowed me. Tree roots, jagged rocks, and fallen branches littered the way. Ono didn’t let go of my pack, so when I stumbled on rocks I didn’t see in the inadequate light, he stumbled too, and when I fell down the ditch I didn’t see in time, he fell too.
Chapter Seventeen
Xavi’s calluses were their own countries. Each one had different stories layered on top of each other— histories upon histories of a life on the Tracks. I laid against him and traced the lines on his hands. They were haphazard roads, and traveling them with my fingertips felt like a new adventure each time.
“Tell me about home,” he said. Where the hot of his breath met the emptiness of my ears, I felt a shiver. The dark was big around us, and it was my turn to sleep. I couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes just yet. I wanted to stay awake and feel his chest rise and fall against my back.
“Home?”
“Yeah. Home. Did you have any pets?”
“No. We weren’t in the right Caste for pets. Just one too low, actually.” It was something that always saddened me. “I had a few friends in the Caste above. My friend, Berenike, got a puppy for her birthday, and I was so jealous. I’d always wanted one. In fact, when I found out I was moving up Castes, I was more excited about getting a dog than a husband.”
Xavi laughed.
“What do you know about Castes?”
“Enough. They have something to do with genetic pools.”
“Yup. Did you ever notice how the Colonies are just a hundred or so petri-dishes. Except instead of growing molds or bacterias, we’re growing genes.”
“Was it hard to give up choosing a partner?”
“How’d you know I—“
“You seem like a stoic girl. Republic before self.”
“Did you know that most people have a choice? They can choose anyone they want.”
“Not if they want to have kids.”
“True, but it happens. If you loved someone enough, you could agree to sterilization and possibly adopt. You could also request the Five from the G.E.G. They give you five possibilities and you choose your favorite option.”
“But I’ve heard that reduces your chances of increasing your Caste,” Xavi reminded me. “You know the choice is an illusion, right? How many people do you know who choose sterilization or the Five anymore? Especially when they are taxed exorbitantly for it and become social pariahs if they do? The G.E.G. has worked hard to make completely trusting their judgement fashionable.”
That was something I’d thought of too, but I wouldn’t admit it. Not to Xavi. Castes were like labels on the petri dishes. The highest Castes were usually concentrated in specific Colonies until their genes were needed elsewhere to create genetic competition. That’s when transfers happened and why Castes of all levels existed in every Colony. In terms of trusting your own judgement on a partner, it’d be stupid not to do everything you could to enhance your genetic line, and therefore Caste. The G.E.G. gave people their best chances of moving up.
Xavi continued. “Think about this. From what I understand, every generation has the potential to move an entire family up a Caste. If you partner correctly and trust in the geneticist, they will give you the most viable option of moving up through your children. That’s why people stopped choosing their partners, but it’s a scam. It’s too slow of a climb. The Republic does this for a reason. When people are made to the feel inferior, they begin to believe it, but this only works if there’s a balance. The Republic and the G.E.G. give just enough hope to Citizens that they can work hard enough to better themselves, and by controlling the rules for hope, they maintain all the power. Why do you think they parade Celebrities around? People need something tangible to work towards, or they direct their attention to less preferable things. People would spend all the energy they previously used to prove themselves to the Republic in order to do the opposite— destroy it.”
I’d considered this before, but Xavi was still missing the bigger picture. “True. I see your point, but Castes are the parameters of Nurturing. They provide direction and guidelines to grow into your genetic potential. That’s why every Caste is so different in their sacrifices, policies, and traditions. You say that trusting in the G.E.G. takes away choices, but why risk destroying your genetic line? That goes beyond Castes and material rewards. You’re wrong. We have a choice. We choose to trust ourselves or trust the Republic.”
“But this system can’t last. All civilizations fall. We used people in power as much as they use us, but then we get tired of them. We start to see them for what they are, we tear them down, then we give the power to someone else, and the cycle starts over again. One day we won’t need the G.E.G. One day we won’t need the Republic. They know this, and they fear this. Why do you think they hunt down Vagabonds— Terrorists so readily? They want to generate mass-fear of the Terrorists so the Citizens don’t spend their fears on the G.E.G. or the Republic. It’s a very effective control mechanism.” His chin moved on top of my head as he spoke, and I wrapped my arms around myself a bit more tightly. “It has nothing to do with trust and everything to do with control. You choose to let people control you.”
I shivered, and he wrapped his arms around me tighter. “Sometimes control is needed,” I said. “Otherwise chaos happens. And don’t think I haven’t had these same debates with myself. What does the G.E.G. truly know, after all? I wanted to distrust them because I was flagged. Flagged! I wanted them to be wrong.”
“But you were paired.”
“Yes. And I was moving up eight Castes, but my entire life I thought I was a genetic dead end. I didn’t realize they had something planned for me, but what if I was a genetic dead end? Should I have searched for a way to discredit the G.E.G.?
That would have been selfish.”
“If you hadn’t been flagged, which would you have gone for. The choice or the faith?”
I wondered where he heard that question phrased just like that. It was a Republic phrase whispered by kids at school.
Xavi laughed at my pause. “It’s okay. No one choses the choice anymore. Do you know why they keep it an option? Citizens need the illusion of choice. If they officially take it away, it’d cause immediate rebellion. Instead, they make the concept of choice seem as dirty as any disease we are fighting against.” He sighed and changed directions with his questioning. “Were you scared about transferring Colonies?”
“Not exactly— a little maybe. But we had a few transfers in the 18th, and I knew it wouldn’t be horrible. The last one happened a few years ago. A girl named Aspasia. She was so beautiful compared to everyone else, and everyone treated her like a princess. I didn’t expect to be treated as well as her, given the Caste I was born to, but I did know my life wasn’t going to be horrible.”
“Aspasia?”
“Yeah. What an overdone name, right? But she gave me hope.”
“Was she happy?” He asked. “As an 18.”
“I think she was. I didn’t get to know her very well, but she showed me what my life would have been like, had my parents not been—“
But I couldn’t finish the thought. I was too caught up in loss to say anything else. His breathing moved up and down faster than before, and it touched me that he was so upset over what had happened to me. I tried to see my story through his eyes. It was hard to explain the Colonies to kids who grew up on the Tracks. They can’t understand it until they tried to live it. As strange as our system was, it was bigger than me, but Track-kids rarely knew of anything bigger than themselves. Focusing on survival rarely leaves room to think beyond basic needs, let alone the good of Humanity.
On the Tracks, I was torn between our system and my freedom. Here, I was wind. My genes were not important. Not even I was important. It was just me, a girl falling in love, regardless of genetic markers or right and wrong.
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