by Stella Noir
After the ambulance came and took Jeffrey away and the police were informed about the accident, Jake brought me my suitcase with all of my clothes in it. Apparently my car had been totaled in the accident, so as soon as I changed Jake got his car and took me home.
It was a long, quiet drive back into the city and of course, it was raining, just like it had been when I’d tried to run away from my problems. It dawned on me as we wove through the traffic in the dim light of dusk that I had literally taken my problems with me. I had no idea what to say to Jake as he pulled up to my apartment, though. We sat in front of the building with the engine running for a while, then I put my hand on his arm.
“Jake…”
“You don’t have to say anything Abby. I know how hard this has all been on you.” He turned and looked at me and I could still see traces of the sadness and tears that had been pouring out for hours. But there was nothing I could do for him. Whatever happened throughout his life, and events that took place up at that house were all things he needed to come to terms with on his own. I couldn’t fix Jake. The only person I could fix was myself, and I needed all the strength in me to do that. Jake needed to find his own way to happiness, and as much as I wanted to reach out and touch him, to hold his face in my hands and kiss away the sadness, I had to let go.
“I will always be here for you, Jake. Please remember that,” I said as I opened the car door and stepped back into my old life. It was the same old apartment on the same old street, but I felt like a completely different person. I looked back at Jake as he pulled away, and I hoped harder than I ever had in my life that he was going to be ok.
ABBY
I t’s been almost a year since the events that took place in that house with Jake and Jeffrey and if I had felt like a different person the day I left, I was almost completely unrecognizable now - to myself, at least. I knew I still had a long way to go, but so much of the fear or anxiety that I used to carry around with me, and was so used to wielding as a weapon against myself, was just gone. And as crazy as it sounded I had Jake and Jeffrey and those weeks in their creepy old house to thank for it. For getting me started off in the right direction, anyway. If I hadn’t been forced to deal with all my fears, I probably would have gone on running from one guy to the next for God knows how many more years, not even realizing that what I was really trying to run away from was myself.
I hadn’t talked to Jake since that day he brought me home from his brother’s house and I still didn’t know the whole story about what happened in his childhood or what had gone on between he and his brother, but I believed everything he told me the day we tried to escape through that house together. I hoped I would see him again someday, but more than anything I just wanted him to be happy.
Throughout the last year I’ve spent hours alone, walking through the city streets and getting lost in the crowds, or driving down long forested roads and stopping to take peaceful walks in the woods while contemplating my life and my own choices. I would go to movies by myself and enjoy the dark solitude or I’d go to concerts alone and get lost in the music. I did think every once in a while that it would be nice to share these things with someone, and I knew I would one day, but it was also really nice to be able to enjoy being alone.
One day I decided to go to a coffee shop that was not far from my apartment, and that Jake and I used to frequent. I’d been avoiding it for quite some time, but it suddenly sounded like such a nice, cozy place to do some writing. I brought my laptop with me and got some coffee and a piece of cake, then sat down to write my newest romance, yet another variation on my theme of a tall dark man who whisks the young heroine away, when I heard a familiar voice say my name.
“Abby.”
I looked up and was immediately lost in those dark eyes that had never left my memory. But instead of the sadness and pain that I had seen in them the day Jake drove me home, his eyes had a soft smile around the edges and a little bit of a twinkle that made my heart skip a beat.
“Jake,” I said, smiling up at him. “How are you?” I asked, barely able to contain my excitement.
“I’m doing really well, Abby. Really well. I hope I’m not bothering you. I just saw you sitting here and wanted to say hi.”
“No, of course you’re not bothering me. Do you want to sit down?” I asked, gesturing to the empty chairs at the table. He smiled the sweetest and warmest smile I had ever seen come from his beautiful lips and sat in one of the chairs right next to me, never once taking his eyes off mine.
“So what have you been up to these last few months? How long has it been since…”
“It’s been eleven months…almost a year…since I left that house for the very last time,” he said as he looked down at his hands on the table. He looked up at me again like he was about to say something but seemed to stop himself. I kept my eyes on his as he shifted in his chair a few times and looked back down at his hands. I could tell he was nervous but wasn’t sure if it was because of me or something else. I closed my laptop and put it in my bag. I wanted to talk to him without any distractions.
“You don’t have to do that, Abby. I didn’t want to bother you.”
“It’s no bother at all, really. I was about to quit for the day anyway. I really am glad to see you, Jake,” I said as I moved one of my hands over to his, sliding it on top of them and giving them a little squeeze like he had done to make me feel more comfortable the first time we met. He seemed to relax a little as he looked at me and smiled that incredible smile of his. It seemed like there was a newness to him, like something dark had been lifted and he could finally breathe.
“Can we go somewhere else and talk, Abby?” he asked with a slight look of trepidation in his eyes. I had never really noticed it before, maybe because I was always so entranced by them, but for someone who could command me so easily with a glance, he sure gave a lot of himself away with those same eyes.
“Of course. Where would you like to go?”
“Just somewhere a little more quiet.”
“We could go back to my apartment if you want,” I said, hoping I wasn’t sounding too forward.
“Are you still living in the same place?”
“Yeah, I thought about moving after…well, after I got home, but I decided to stay. I’ve really just been taking some time for myself for the last year and my little apartment is so cozy and familiar. It’s been a big help.”
“I always did like your place. It never felt cold, like my house sometimes feels…or the house I grew up in.”
“Jake you don’t have to talk about any of that if you don’t want to…”
“I do want to Abby. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve picked up the phone to call you. I’ve wanted to talk to you…to see you…for so long, and to tell you everything. Everything that’s been happening with me all these months…as well as what happened in the past. I told you that I didn’t expect you to want to have anything to do with me after…well, after everything that happened at that house, and I meant it. I don’t want to pressure you in any way to see me or talk to me, but I’ve thought about you so many times since it all happened. And, even though this is still pretty scary for me…talking about my childhood and what happened with Jeffrey…there is no one I would rather talk to about it…about anything…than with you.”
It was amazing how different he seemed. More at ease and more genuinely happy, but still with the warmth and kindness that had originally drawn me to him. In fact, even a little more. Part of me didn’t want to rush into anything, though, and this was the perfect way to test out the new me. The one that wasn’t afraid or desperate or full of bad jokes about herself. But another part of me felt like loving him didn’t make me weak or desperate, and I knew I just had to go with what felt right.
“I’ve thought about you a lot too, Jake. In fact, I never really did stop thinking about you, not while I was at that house or in all the months since then. I questioned my sanity quite a few times when I found myself still drawn to you, even after everything
that you…or Jeffrey…had done to me. But now I know…the feelings I had for you never died. It was always you…”
I drifted off for a moment, not entirely sure what I was trying to say, but I took a deep breath and continued, knowing that, no matter what, it would all come out right eventually.
“I’ve wondered many times how you were doing and I’ve really hoped that I would see you again. And I don’t want you to worry about what I think of you…or for you to be afraid to talk to me. I do want to talk to you, Jake. The thing is…I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever even had to forgive you…because…no matter what happened, no matter how bad things got with Jeffrey…I always forgave him…because I thought it was you. After I got home I was still angry with him for what he had done, and confused about your part in all of it, but when I thought about how easy it was for me to excuse his actions in the middle of it all, it really made me think about what it all meant. And what I eventually realized…for myself anyway…is that…feelings are kind of tricky. You can’t decide how you’re going to feel about something. It just happens. And sometimes no matter how hard you try, you can’t change the way you feel. I figured that I had spent enough of my life beating up on myself over things I couldn’t control…and letting go of my anger toward myself actually helped me let go of my anger toward your brother. But I never felt anger towards you, Jake. I don’t know why…but I never did.”
I looked up at him and his eyes were filling with tears, so I picked up my bags and grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the coffee shop, then held it the whole way back to my place.
On the walk back, he started off by telling me about Jeffrey. He told me that his brother had survived the fall and had spent months recovering in a private hospital somewhere, which I found slightly amusing. Jake told me that his brother had voluntarily checked himself into an exclusive and very private psychiatric clinic a few months ago and even though Jeffrey wasn’t ready to discuss anything with him, Jake felt like he could see the old sparks of his brother every once in a while. His face took on a softness that I had never seen before when he talked about his brother and it made me so happy for him.
“You just have no idea what he went through when we were kids, Abby,” Jake said as he looked at his food. We were back at my place now eating Chinese take-out, as we sat on some pillows on the floor around my coffee table. He told me about their childhood in between bites of lo mein and General Tso’s, and as I listened to his story I was barely able to breathe.
“Just about every time our father came to one of our rooms it was to punish Jeffrey. We never really understood why, but it was always the same. He would come to the door of the room we were playing in and tell us he knew what we’d been doing, and like I told you when we were back at the house, he would make Jeffrey pull down his pants and bend over a chair or table or the bed and he would make me watch while he beat him. At least, that’s the way it all started.”
Jake paused for a moment and I could tell that it was hard for him. He looked up at me and took a deep breath as he looked into my eyes and continued.
“I can only guess that this all had something to do with our father’s own issues with an incredible amount of shame he had been brought up with surrounding sex. Maybe he had been beaten over the same sorts of things when he was a boy, but whatever it was, it seemed to have taken a very ugly turn in him. I had no idea about any of this at the time, it’s just something I’ve realized over these last few months as I’ve talked about it with my own doctor.
I’d always believed that there was something wrong with me, that my brother and I were bad or sick or depraved like our father had told us…over and over. I don’t have any way of knowing now, but I’ve wondered if maybe he was just trying to save us. Maybe he thought…if he couldn’t stop himself from doing the things that were going to send him to hell…that he had to do something to protect us. I know it probably sounds crazy, but I really do think that he actually believed that he was doing the right thing, and protecting us from ourselves by beating us. And, like I told you, it was Jeffrey that took most of the punishment. I don’t know if he will ever know how painful it was for me to witness what he went through. I loved him so much. I still do.
But then, A few years after our father started beating us it seemed like that wasn’t enough punishment, and…over time…he started to torture Jeffrey. The changes were small at first, so I guess that’s why I didn’t really realize what was going on, but it eventually became a nightmare.
The punishments always revolved around our father’s knowledge of one or both of us being sexually aroused. He would tell us he knew what we had been doing and would perform the most unimaginably sick, twisted games…or tests on Jeffrey. At this point he rarely came for me. He seemed to focus all his efforts in on my brother, maybe because he saw more of himself in Jeffrey, I don’t know. But he would push him further and further…with images from magazines and…then he would use anything he could come up to put him in is as much pain as possible. He used rubber bands and clothes pins and other things I don’t even want to think about to control Jeffrey’s impulses. It was horrible.
He terrified me, Abby. Our father absolutely terrified me. This went on for years and years, along with the beatings, and he always made me watch. He told me that he wanted me to know what would happen to me if he ever saw me get excited in any way. He said that he would not only do the same thing to me, but he would make it so that I would have nothing to touch. I was paralyzed with fear. I was afraid of ever getting excited over a picture of a woman or even a thought because I felt like my father always knew…and it just got worse and worse…even after he died.
But at the very end, right before my father died, he hurt my brother in the most horrible way imaginable. I don’t know why. I don’t understand what would bring him to do something like that to his own son, but do I know that our father’s death wasn’t an accident, and I know that Jeffrey killed him because of what he had done to him.”
Jake stopped talking again and put his head in his hands and covered his eyes. He looked so pale and exhausted and I didn’t want to put him through any more anguish.
“You don’t have to talk about this anymore if you don’t want to, Jake. We have time. It doesn’t all have to happen right now,” I said as I moved closer to him and touched his arm.
“I need to tell you this, Abby. It’s important to me that I explain…I want you to know how I became the person that cowered behind that glass wall. I don’t know why, but I feel like this is something I have to do so that I can get past all of it. I need you to understand,” he said as he lowered his hand and looked over towards me, but wasn’t able to look me in the eyes just yet.
“After our father died, Jeffrey changed. He seemed to have taken on his role around the house, and our mother was either drunk or passed out in her room all day every day, so there really was no one to stop him. Like I told you before, he studied our father’s books and lab notes and spent a lot of his time in that hospital, but he had also started to treat me differently, like everything was somehow my fault, as if I had been in on it all. I quickly learned to just stay out of his way, but he always found something to blame me for, and he always talked to me like I was dirty and weak and despicable, like our father had whenever he came in to punish us. I just wanted things between us to to back to the way they were. He had been my best friend…my only friend…and I loved him. There were times when he would talk to me, or share something with me, but things were never the same between us again.
When we got to high school even though I still thought of him as my closest friend, I started to try and separate myself from him, finding new friends and hanging out with girls. But every time he came near me he would berate me in front of the other kids and tell me that no one would ever want to be friends with a coward like me. That no girl would want someone that was as fucked up as I was. There were brief moments, even then, when he would treat me like his brother and his friend again, and I wanted so
badly for things to go back to the way they were when we were younger that I would go along with anything he wanted to do. I’d made the mistake of telling him once that being with girls scared me and made me nervous and I wasn’t sure, but it seemed like I wasn’t functioning properly. After that, all he would do was make jokes about how I was a lost cause if I couldn’t get it up around a girl at sixteen. But he told me that he had this idea. He said it would be fun if we shared a girl to see if they noticed…if they could tell the difference between us. I would start out, get a girl to like me and come home with me, and make out with her for a while. Then I would go to the bathroom to get a condom and we would switch. Then he would finish them off, as he put it. It was hard for me to say no to anything he wanted to do, even when I knew it wasn’t a very good idea, but I wanted to feel like we were doing something together again, like when we were kids. I know that may sound strange to you, but we had a really special relationship when we were kids. We relied on each other so much.
This went on all through high school and continued when I went to college. I would bring girls back to the house, and by then I was too terrified to even try to go the whole distance on my own, and Jeffrey was more than happy to take over for me. No one ever found out, and he loved the fact that he could get away with pulling the wool over people’s eyes. I was just relieved that none of the girls ever found out I wasn’t able to get hard. I felt terrible about what I was doing, but I didn’t know what else to do. I was terrified of anyone I knew ever finding out.
That’s when Jeffrey really started to take advantage of the situation. After college, I just wanted to break free of everything having to do with him and that house, and like I told you, I never went back, but Jeffrey would figure out who I was seeing and threaten to tell them about me. I started to wonder if I was providing something for him that he wasn’t capable of, the same way he was providing something for me.
It became this horrible secret that I had no idea how to get out of. And… the worst part…” he stopped there and I could tell he was starting to get choked up. I didn’t say anything, though. I just let him go at his own pace. I moved a little closer to him and put my hand on his leg and waited for him to continue.