by Rose Harper
The only reason I kept my cool—or as much of my cool—as I did in the dining room, is because Carina was standing there. She doesn’t deserve to see that side of me when she’s lived with those types of monsters since she was little.
Leaning back on the bar, my gaze swings over to Giovanni. Lucio is bent over at the waist, gazing down at the dimly lit computer screen, a scowl resting on his face. Giovanni looks like he’s on the brink of losing it, and I can’t say that I blame him. Especially since I’m resting on the same verge myself.
When Giovanni gets another error message, I can tell not being able to get through is starting to get to him. His face in pinched, brows furrowed together, and his jaw clenches and unclenches in silent fury.
“I’m about two seconds from breaking this goddamn computer,” he says, his hands making a fist, knuckles turning white from his restraint.
“We have to think outside the box, G,” I say, sighing. “It’s clear Vinny knew something like this would happen, and he’s made it practically impossible to break in.”
We at least know who Marco is, but that negates the fact there could be more information Vinny was holding out. It’s like a dagger in the heart knowing Vinny would do such a thing, that he didn’t trust me enough to let me in on the information he’s gathered on our enemies.
It makes me feel as if I let my familia down, and I don’t like that feeling at all. It causes an emotion so unusual to bubble within, threatening to overtake me. It’s a panic I haven’t felt since the day I saw my mother bleed out in front of us on the kitchen floor. Since the day I had to hug Gavino, Vinny, and Giovanni’s faces into my chest.
“I’ve had it with this shit, Mateo. There’s no way we’re getting into the computer,” Giovanni replies, and despite his words, he starts pecking on the computer once more.
Every so often, Gavino and Lucio and Domino look toward me, almost as if they know I’m at the end of my rope. That I’m treading that fine line between sanity and utter chaos. Lifting my eyes to them, I watch as Gavino’s trademark frown grows even deeper as his eyes search my face. I never say a single word, but with them I know I don’t have to. They get me. Just like Vinny did, and just like Giovanni does—only more so.
“Goddammit!” Lucio shouts as the telltale sound of the error message pops up on the computer once more. “Let me try.”
I’m this close to walking over and busting that laptop against the corner of my solid oak desk. There’s a craving deep inside me to see the pieces of that shattered computer raining down around me. It shouldn’t be this hard to get into that blasted piece of technology. It isn’t like Vinny was a closet nerd; he didn’t have the smarts to create a security system so impenetrable no one could possibly get through.
Yet, here we are. Standing here, staring at the piece of offending plastic and glass. It’s like it’s taunting us, letting us know that whatever’s in its contents we’ll never figure it out.
All too soon, the tumbler of amber brown liquid I ingested earlier dissipates. The feeling of calmness that was trying to envelop me disappears, and I’m left with the raging emotions that were clawing at the back of my skull before I stepped foot in here. It’s almost so thick it’s choking me.
“You need to get out of here for a bit?” Dom asks, phrasing it more as a suggestion than a question, as he comes up beside me.
Nodding his head to the two bodyguards behind me—ones I haven’t even taken the time to learn their names yet—he brings his eyes back toward me, worry clouding his eyes. He knows I’m on the cusp of losing it. He knows me too well to think otherwise.
I can feel it. My rationality is slipping, and I don’t know how to stop it. I usually have better control than this, but it feels as if I have no control at all. With every goddamn thing going on around us, I can feel it as if it’s a part of me dying.
“I … I need out of here,” I grind out, escaping through the door.
“Follow him, idiots!” I hear Dom yell, but I don’t care. I’m too busy fighting with everything in me to not self-destruct in front of my familia. I need to be strong for them—strong for everyone!
But, how can you be strong when all you want to do is break?
Making my way down the hall, I feel my chest tightening to the point of blistering, mind-numbing agony. It was never supposed to be like this. Never. I was supposed to take the familia business over and bring us out of the dark ages. I wasn’t supposed to get knocked a million steps back.
It’s too much. I’m a strong—fucking strong—man, but even the most durable have a moment of weakness, and it seems I’m swimming in mine.
Everything is a blur as I come into the foyer, the sights and sounds around me distorting until the only thing I can make out is the door in front of me. My freedom.
I know there are things I need to do, but right now, I’m freaking out. It feels like my mind is slowly leaving me, laughing as I fall deeper and deeper into the void I’ve been clawing my way out of since I lost my mother.
“Mateo, what the fuck?” I vaguely hear, but don’t stop. If anything, it makes me move faster.
“Mateo? Baby, what’s going on?”
I need to get out of here.
Now!
I can’t do this. If I stay here any longer, someone I love is going to pay the penance for me losing it so thoroughly. They’re going to see the demons I live with every day.
Little snippets of my father’s past words echo through my fragile mind. Words I’ve somehow long since forgotten he ever spoke to me. It’s as if something in my mind’s broken, allowing the offending confrontation to breach the surface.
“You’re nothing more than a screw-up! You’re not a man! A man wouldn’t cower to anyone! He’d protect his fucking familia! I wish you would fucking die, you pathetic waste of space! You’re a disgrace!”
I gasp, fighting for air as I feel my lungs scream in agony. Nothing is okay. I’m nothing. A shame that doesn’t deserve to be here. If I can’t protect my goddamn familia, then what use am I?
“Mateo!”
Feeling the smooth, coolness of metal in my hand, I don’t waste any time jerking it open and making my way through. The intricate designs forged along its surface leave grooves on the palm of my hand from holding it so tightly as if it were a lifeline trying to keep me cemented here but wasn’t able to as I bust my way through like a bulldozer. Unseasonably warm, misty wind blasts across my face, as if the dew holds the salty tears from people my actions have affected. I jog down the stairs, jumping off the last two to land hard on my feet when it becomes too much.
Jogging toward my car, I press the fob to unlock it, then almost ear the door off its hinges. It isn’t until the passenger door is also opened that I stop, planning to kill whomever it is preventing me from leaving.
Blood. Its sweet, sweet release.
“Get. The fuck. Away!” I seethe, penetrating Luca with my hateful gaze.
I’m surprised he’s the one who followed me. He must be even more stupid than I realized by doing such a foolish thing. No one in my familia will even get this close to me when I’m teetering on the edge.
“It’s clear you’re off your rocker, asshole. Carina would kill my ass if I let you take off like this, and even though it would be a fight to the death, I’d rather refrain.”
“Luca!” I roar, so close to losing all restraint.
“Mateo!” he thunders in return. “You can either get in, buckle up, and we can kick dust—or you can throw your little panic attack here on the lawn. Your choice!”
A crazy, maniacal laugh bubbles in my throat as I feel every fissure of anguish, confusion, and fury rip apart inside of me. It feels as if my entire body is splitting right down the middle, allowing my bones, muscles, and blood to come out to the surface for all to see. Forcing its way out of me, I tilt my head back on my shoulders, laughter quickly switching to a distressed bellow toward the sky as if it’s offended me in some way.
“Get away from me!” I scream, fee
ling the tears burning against the back of my eyes.
“You’re a disgrace!” The phantom words of my father attack my mind once more.
“Shut up!” I roar, grabbing the sides of my head and pulling at the strands of my hair as if I can pull the demons out of my mind. If only it were that simple. I would have done it a long time ago.
My breathing grows choppy as I fight with the ball of energy inside of me. Only, it keeps getting bigger, making it harder for me to breathe. My chest rises and falls, yet no air enters my body.
Then, it’s like a nuclear blast goes off inside of me. My emotions leave me in an angered cry as I start hitting the side of my car, slamming the door closed as I clench my hand into tight fists and start beating them against it. My fist rams through my window, shattering the glass. Blood oozes from the wounds on my hands, but I don’t stop. Instead, it makes me thirst for more.
More pain. More blood. Just … more!
“Get ahold of yourself!” Luca yells, effortlessly sliding over the top of the car.
A sick sense of release flows through me as I continue to pelt my car with hit after hit. It’s as if the demons inside of me are perfectly fine with doing immediate damage, even if that harm is to me. The bones in my hand scream from being put through such distress, but I don’t stop. I can never stop.
My hand makes dent after dent in the unforgiving metal. Oh, how I wish it were someone’s face I was pelting instead. The face of the person who ever thought to mess with my familia. I’d make them wish they were never born. I’d peel the flesh from their bones and eat it right in front of them. I’d make them pay for all their sins like I’m some priest at the confessional.
It isn’t until my hand goes through the glass in the rear window that everything inside me breaks, while at the same time glues itself back together. My thoughts clear. My breathing, although uneven, begins to steady itself out. The world starts to come back into focus, and my mind starts obsessing over the same thing over and over.
Luca’s admission from this morning beckons for attention as if it’s a foreign entity greedy to be noticed, begging me to take notice over something I missed. It’s as if the pain unlocks something inside of me.
Just as fast as it started, it stops. The need to kill. To feel. To make someone pay. It even seems the air swirling around me halts, waiting on bated breath as it all finally clicks into place.
Vinny may be holding secrets, but he had to get those secrets from somewhere. And it isn’t a motherfucking coincidence Luca just happened to show up. In fact, I’d bet my life on Luca being the reason there are so many secrets to begin with.
Narrowing my eyes, I stare into the darkness of the night, feeling the moon caress me with its silky embrace. It all keeps connecting the dots as my hands fall down by my sides, clenching and unclenching. All of it is so transparent, it makes me sick to my stomach. Here, I thought it was a voice inside my dream earlier this morning, but now I know, without a doubt, it was Luca speaking to Carina. It was him professing all his darkest secrets, never the wiser my subconscious picked it up.
“When Daniel took his target out, I had a clean opening of mine, but didn’t take it. Instead, I froze, watching him cower in fear as he tried to protect the little maggots around him.”
Slowly, I turn toward the man that started all this so many years ago. My hatred burns through my veins as I fight to keep from pulling my gun on him, painting my driveway with a coat of his life essence.
This entire time, he knew exactly what he was doing—who he was hurting. But did he give a fuck? No. He just crept back into the shadows, waiting, wondering—with a sadistic smile on his ugly mug while I pieced it all together.
It was never Carina he was coming after. It was me. This entire goddamn time, it was me. He never wanted me to find out, thinking me too ignorant to put it all together. A lot of good that did him. I now know everything I need to wipe him from the face of this earth and not feel a slither of guilt about it when it comes to his sister.
“You were there!” I bellow, pain and anguish twisting itself inside of me like a vice.
9
CARINA
Shouts ring out through the house, further solidifying my fear that Mateo’s, in fact, lost all rational thought. I knew he’s been teetering on the edge of imploding since Vinny died, but I didn’t know it had gotten this bad—this lethal.
Since I’ve been here, Mateo has been very secretive about his thoughts and feelings. The only time I have a fissure of an idea as to what he was feeling was the night he got ahold of that tainted liquor in his room. The same alcohol we’ve yet to approach Camille about.
Where the fuck is Camille? I silently ponder, my eyes rising toward the steps that lead to our rooms. It’s been quite some time since I’ve seen her. Not to say I’m not thankful, because I’d rather not murder someone who truly doesn’t deserve it—no matter how much of a bitch they are to me. But, there’s something about her absence that causes a lot of questions to rise to the surface. Questions I will get the answer to tomorrow.
“You were there!” I hear his pained voice ring out, the sound of pure, heart-wrenching agony bouncing off the walls around me, encompassing me to the point it’s crippling.
“I can explain,” I hear Luca say, but I don’t dare get into the middle of their spat. The devil only knows what would happen if I did that.
“I don’t care about your explanation! You were there. Your goddamn father killed my mother!”
My eyes widen to the size of saucers, my legs shake from their instability. Daniel killed Mrs. Calvetti? I never thought he had it in him to be anything other than my torturer, and now, out of nowhere, I’m finding out he’s the person who killed Mateo’s mother right in front of him.
It’s then the words from earlier resonate within my mind. Luca’s words, spoken so callously, it almost stops my heart inside my chest.
“He did this; put this shit into motion because it was decided you would join the family business. When you were promised to that Calvetti, things started fraying at the seams.”
No … It’s not possible. There’s no way Daniel was one of us. That lousy bastard only had the balls to torture me, because he knew I wouldn’t do anything to retaliate. There’s no way Daniel was a Reap.
“What the fuck was I supposed to do? Huh? During that part of my past, I did everything he wanted me to do. The only thing that damned me—fucked my life—was that I couldn’t take out my mark. You are the very reason I had to hide all these years!”
“Why didn’t you just fucking kill me?! It’d be a lot better than living like this,” Mateo roars.
“You were a goddamn child!” Luca screams back. “I may be a lot of things, but I do not kill children!”
“No, you just make them motherless!”
My mouth falls open as I tread softly to the open front door. Never in my life have I been struck speechless, and it feels like today I’ve been nothing but. Secret after secret keeps revealing itself, and most of them surrounded by nothing but blood and death. It should be something I’m used to, but it’s not. It just confuses me even more.
“That was my father, Mateo! What part of that don’t you understand?!”
“You are guilty by association, motherfucker!”
Something nagging at the back of my mind tells me I should break them up before it gets physical—again. But, I stop myself, if only just barely. I want to see where this is going. I want to see what else has been hidden from me for all these years. Because if one thing’s clear, it’s the fact I’ve been kept in the dark a lot more than I’ve been in the light.
“Is that right?!” Luca asks, and something about the tone of his voice seems off—more menacing.
“Dom!” Mateo yells, the decimal of his voice causing me to jump. “Get a shovel! We’re about to bury us a body.”
“Well, if you do that, then you won’t know the other piece of information I’m just dying to tell you,” Luca says sarcastically.
I vaguely hear rocks being kicked, their dings off the car echoing inside my ears. Without seeing him, I can tell by his movements that Mateo is pacing like a wounded animal. His soul is weary, exhausted—but he can’t stop the reaction inside of him to keep fighting. It’s what draws me to him, connects us in a way I’ve never connected with anymore before.
“I’m not falling for your shit, Luca!”
Chuckling mirthlessly, Luca replies, “If you plan on damning me because I was there, then you need to talk to your father about it, because it seems somewhere along the way you were fed nothing but bullshit!”
“Why?” I can hear the confusion lying within Mateo’s words.
All walking ceases. My lungs lock up, abstaining from allowing the precious air to enter them. Everything slows down around me as if my entire life depends on the next words spoken.
“I’ve been hiding out all of these years because of him. Just because I didn’t get information on the person that hired me, then Carina, and now God knows who doesn’t mean I didn’t uncover the true contract holder of your mother’s early demise.”
“What are you saying, Luca?! Just fucking spit it out!” Mateo growls, and the sound of crunching metal assaults my ears.
My stomach churns, wondering where Luca is taking this. I’ve never felt such animosity in all my life as I do right now, and that’s saying something. My entire life has been based on hatred, cruelty, and death. Yet, Luca’s words strike a chord inside me. It seems my big brother knows a lot more than he’s let everyone in on, and one of those secrets is about to surface.
“All this time, you didn’t know the devil was a little closer to home than you realized? Mateo, your father hired Daniel to kill your mother.”
Oh, God!
10
MATEO
My teeth grind as I end the call once more. Two days of this runaround shit, and I’m up to my eyeballs in nothing but loathing.
My father is the very person who took our mother away from us. He’s the catalyst who brought about her untimely death. I should kill him for what he’s done. In fact, I know I will. I’ve been searching for the person who killed my mother, and since that bastard has already been dealt with, it’s time to take out the person who instigated the whole thing.