Could she cope with occasional liaisons until he decided to marry? Would that ever be enough for her? Could she still protect her heart?
She could no longer deny her love for Adam, but even if he had marriage in mind for their future—and even if she could find the courage to marry again—she could never accept him because she could not give him the heir he would need.
And though she loathed self-pity, the burn of tears at the back of her eyes told her she was in danger of wallowing in it. It seemed so unfair. She had always longed for a child of her own and now her barrenness would rob her of any chance of a future with Adam, doubling the torment of her failure as a woman as she added the loss of the man she loved to her childlessness.
But she must find the courage from somewhere to protect them both—her from the future agony that was now inevitable and him from the self-sacrifice of marrying a barren woman and living to regret it.
She lay still, snuggled into Adam’s strong chest, safe for now in his embrace, reluctant to move and to face reality.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Adam hugged Kitty close, tucking her head into his shoulder as his chest heaved.
God! Dear God! Never…
He tightened his arms. He never wanted to let her go. She fit him so perfectly. He could stay like this for ever.
Gradually, though, the fear that someone might enter the library and catch them urged him to move. Even though they were hidden from the door by the screen it would be obvious what had taken place and Kitty did not deserve the gossip that would surely follow. Adam pressed his lips to her hair, breathing in the scent of her.
‘We must move, my sweet.’
She snuggled closer for a minute, with a soft moan of protest, then pushed herself upright.
‘Yes.’
Her obvious reluctance to move pleased him. She slid from his knee and rose to her feet, smoothing her skirts before adjusting her clothing and making herself decent. Adam, too, stood. He buttoned the placket of his breeches as Kitty began to tidy her hair, gathering the scattered pins.
When she was decent, he took her hand and led her back to the table where the plans he had already drawn were spread out.
‘I am sorry I did not withdraw, my darling,’ he said. ‘But, after all, it will not matter if there should be consequences… I can think of nothing more delightful than you, holding our baby in your arms.’
Kitty’s face paled. ‘I… Adam… I—’
She broke off as the door opened. Adam gave her a reassuring smile as he realised he had said nothing about marriage. He would soon remedy that, however, with a proper proposal such as she deserved. Although…he recalled her claim that she would never remarry and a voice of caution whispered that she might take some convincing that marriage was the right solution for them both.
‘My apologies for the interruption, my lord.’ Vincent entered, carrying a silver salver on which lay two letters. ‘These have just been delivered from Kelridge Place.’
Adam frowned as he took the letters from Vincent and perused the direction on each of them.
‘Who brought them? Is he still here?’
‘He is, my lord. He gave his name as Carter. Your steward. He brought them himself in case you have any instructions for him. He is in the entrance hall.’
‘Thank you. I shall read these and then speak to him.’
Vincent bowed and withdrew. Adam examined the letters again.
‘This one is from my mother, but the other is an unfamiliar hand.’
He broke the seal on Ma’s letter and read it quickly, then reread it, giving himself more time to digest her words.
My dearest Adam,
Thank you for your letter. You cannot know what it means to me to have this chance to properly heal the rift between us. Since you left I have tortured myself, wondering if I did the right thing in not fully explaining my actions over all these years.
But, as I said before you left Edinburgh, I could not know if Kelridge had changed and I did not want to compound the harm I had already done by further damaging your opinion of your father. I am happy Bartholomew told you something of your father’s character and, from what you wrote, it seems that even Grenville now accepts that Gerald was a violent man!
You ask why I settled for the life of a housekeeper when I was a lady. Well, at first I was terrified Kelridge would find us—because, of course, he had the legal right to take you from me and he would have done so, make no mistake. I could not allow that to happen. Not when his violence towards me had already spilled over into violence towards you. So, rather than keep house as Angus’s widowed cousin, as he originally offered, I masqueraded as his housekeeper.
But, whatever my title, what I do is no more than I would do if I was Angus’s unwed sister—I run his household and oversee the servants.
My experience of marriage killed any appetite for knowing any other man and Angus was and has always been a godsend to me—the brother I never had. I have been most content, I assure you. I have never been comfortable socialising—it was my father’s ambition to see me marry into the aristocracy, not mine—and I am happy with my own company, as you know.
Thank you for your invitation to visit you at Kelridge Place. Not without some qualms, I accept. I thought to come next month and I am looking forward to seeing how you are settled into your new role, although I am also a little apprehensive at meeting again with those people I knew from before.
I must also say, yes, of course you may pass on my address to Araminta—or Lady Datchworth I should say, I suppose. I remember her with some fondness, despite her outspokenness! It was useful to have a friend so full of confidence when I felt so awkward and diffident in my first and only Season. I shall look forward to meeting her again.
Adam—Angus would like to accompany me, if you are agreeable? I know you blame him as well for not telling you the truth, but you need to know that it was my decision to keep silent and that Angus had no choice but to respect my wishes.
I still feared your father, you see, even when you were a grown man. I feared his power to corrupt you. And, from the tales Angus heard about your father when you both worked on that job at Fenton Hall fifteen years ago, I was right to hold that secret.
I look forward to seeing you next month, Son.
Your proud and loving,
Mother
After Adam’s second reading he looked up to find Kitty watching him, concern writ large on her face. She had regained her colour and he made a mental note to find out soon what she had been about to say when Vincent interrupted them.
‘All is well,’ he said and she smiled. ‘My mother has accepted my invitation to come to Kelridge Place. Both she and Sir Angus will come next month and she writes that she hopes I have had enough time to settle into my new role.’
He huffed a laugh, shaking his head. ‘I’ve made a poor job of that so far. I ought to have stayed and stamped my authority on the place and my staff.’
Instead of which, at the first opportunity I ran away.
He knew he ought to go back and begin work on setting things straight, but he couldn’t leave Kitty. Not yet. It was too soon. He was certain in his own mind now that he wanted to marry her and, until that was settled, he would stay. He laid aside Ma’s letter and broke the seal on the other. He quickly scanned the writing.
‘Oh. It is from Tolly. He writes that he and my uncle are leaving Kelridge Place.’ He read the date. ‘It was written yesterday. Their intention was to leave before noon and to stay in London for a few days before travelling on to Brighton.’
Kitty frowned. ‘Did he give a reason? Surely he does not mean they are leaving for good?’
‘No, it is not permanent. He writes that he has persuaded my uncle that a breath of sea air would do them both good. And that it will give me the opportunity to take the reins at Kelridge Place.’ He thrus
t his fingers through his hair, the news raising conflicting emotions. ‘If they left on time, then neither of them could have shot at me.’ Which was both a relief and a worry, for if it was not Grenville or Tolly, who could it have been? ‘Of course, we cannae know that they did leave on schedule. And we also cannae know they did not divert their route to stop by here.’
‘No. You are right. But, if they did so, then it must mean they were in it together.’
Adam prayed that would not prove to be the case. The news that his uncle and cousin were no longer at Kelridge Place presented him with a further dilemma, however, as he realised that now he really should go back. But he didn’t want to. He wanted to stay with Kitty.
‘I must complete these plans before I leave.’
Kitty half-turned from him, her shoulders tense. ‘I am sure Robert will not object to a delay. Or you could take them with you and work on them at Kelridge Place.’
‘I dinna want to leave ye,’ he said. ‘Not yet.’
Not ever!
Kitty faced him again. ‘Do not fear I shall accuse you of seduction and abandonment, Adam.’
Her amused, slightly mocking tone brought a frown to his face. The Kitty, full of passion, who had writhed on his lap not fifteen minutes ago was now concealed behind a cool, distant mask and she was once again the Kitty he had met in London, but he had no idea why she had retreated behind her barrier. He’d thought it well and truly demolished, but here they were again with, seemingly, not a brick out of place.
‘I did not imagine ye would,’ he said, matching her light tone. ‘If you will excuse me, I shall go now and speak to Carter.’
His skin heated under the cool appraisal of her grey gaze and his doubts and uncertainties about her…about what she truly thought and felt…intensified.
‘Do not forget to ask what time your uncle and cousin left yesterday,’ she said.
Adam strode from the room, his thoughts in turmoil.
Joseph Carter waited in entrance hall, his hat in his hands, under the watchful eye of Vincent.
‘Might we use Lord Fenton’s study, please?’
He could have bitten his tongue as he registered the hint of contempt in Vincent’s tone as he replied, ‘Of course, my lord.’
How many times had Lady Datchworth warned him it was not done to speak to servants as though one was asking a favour, or to thank them for merely carrying out their duties? But being unmannerly to anyone simply wasn’t in his nature.
‘Carter. This way.’
The steward followed him to the study.
‘I was surprised to learn my uncle and cousin have left Kelridge Place. Was it a sudden decision?’
‘I believe so, milord.’
‘What time did they leave?’
Carter’s lips pursed as he pondered the question. Adam waited.
‘About noon, I should say. I didn’t take note of the exact time.’
‘And I presume they travelled in the carriage?’ At Carter’s nod, Adam continued, ‘My cousin made no mention of when they might return. Did they say anything to you, or to Green?’
‘Not to me. Have you any instructions for me to convey back to the Place, milord?’
‘Aye. I do. Please advise Mrs Ford that my mother and her cousin, Sir Angus McAvoy, will visit next month, so the work to refurbish the guest bedchambers needs to be completed as soon as possible.’
‘Very good, milord.’
Adam frowned. ‘Why is it you chose to deliver the letters yourself, Carter? Surely a groom could have ridden over with them?’
‘With the mast—that is, with Mr Trewin away, I thought I ought to report to you direct, milord. We lost some sheep yesterday. To poachers.’
‘Poachers? How many sheep? When?’
‘We can’t be certain exactly when, milord, but Eddings found the remains of three beasts at the far edge of South Kell Wood. Soon after Mr Trewin and Mr Tolly left, it was. That was why the letters weren’t delivered yesterday—we were looking for tracks and tryin’ to work out what happened. It looks like they’d been shot, then butchered where they fell. The meat and fleeces were taken away. We found hoofprints.’
‘No one heard the shots?’
He shook his head. ‘If anyone heard them, they were far enough away for them to take no notice. They’d have been muffled by the woods, too.’
Adam frowned, his mind whirling. ‘Was that before the thunderstorm yesterday?’
‘It was, milord. Though me and Eddings got wet through riding back afterwards.’
‘Very well. You were right to report this in person, Carter. Thank ye. You may get back now and please tell the men to keep a sharp lookout for any strangers hanging around.’ Adam strode to the study door and out into the hall, leaving Carter to follow. ‘I shall return to Kelridge Place in a day or so.’
Carter bowed. As he exited the front door, Robert entered.
‘Who was that?’
‘My steward.’
Adam filled Robert in on both Tolly’s news and the report of poachers as they walked to the library. Kitty was no longer there and Adam found himself unsurprised. Putting aside the fact that she desired him physically, she clearly still had reservations about him. He didn’t fully understand why, though. He’d explained his reasoning in not agreeing to elope with her all those years ago and she had agreed he had done the right thing. If she had told him of her father’s plan for her…well…yes, he probably would have found a way to rescue her. But she had not confided in him and he’d made his decision based on what he knew.
He’d find her. Try to talk to her. He needed to understand what was going on in her head.
‘Poachers…’ Robert frowned. ‘That might put a different interpretation on what happened here yesterday, but let us concentrate on your uncle and Tolly first. They left Kelridge at noon, driving south, and their route to London would bring them close to Fenton Hall. But you were not attacked until much later.’
‘They could have waited. In fact, whoever it was who shot me—if it was his intention to shoot me—must have hung around for some time.’
‘But…the Kelridge carriage standing at the side of the road for that length of time…would they take such a risk? No. I cannot believe it.’
Adam sighed. ‘Nor I. Plus, the culprit was on horseback. If those hoofprints you found belonged to him. Although—and I’m reluctant to even think this—if Grenville and Tolly were in it together, it is possible that one of them made the journey in the carriage while the other switched to horseback and rode on to Fenton land with the sole purpose of trying to kill me.’
His words repeated in his head, souring his stomach. ‘I cannot credit that but, if there is any chance my uncle and cousin were to blame, that is the only scenario that fits the facts. Surely it must make more sense for it to be poachers after all. The argument that wildlife would take shelter with a thunderstorm approaching does not apply to sheep. They cannot take refuge in the undergrowth or in burrows and there were sheep in the meadow next to the woods, all huddled together with their backs to the rain.’
Robert paced the room. ‘I’ll be happier if we can fully eliminate Grenville and Tolly before we hang the blame entirely on poachers. I confess, I have never experienced poaching on that scale—it sounds more like an organised gang than the work of a local poacher wanting a bit of meat for the pot.’
‘Could ye send a man to make enquiries?’ Adam said. ‘I assume Grenville and Tolly are well known in the area—someone must have seen them pass and will be able to confirm at what time.’
‘I’ll do better than that,’ Robert said. ‘I shall go myself. I’ll ride south and enquire at the toll houses. The carriage has the Kelridge crest on its doors, as I recall, so I’m sure they will be remembered. Hopefully the gatekeepers will remember the time they saw the carriage as well as confirm both men were inside.’
‘I shall come with you.’
‘No. Please do not. It will not take two of us and, although I know you must now feel obliged to return to the Place as soon as possible, I really do hope you can finish those plans first, Adam. It is important to me.’
Adam puzzled over that. Kitty had mentioned Robert had ideas of matrimony but, in consideration of the time it would take to build that new wing, what difference would a few extra days—or even weeks—make?
‘Very well,’ he said.
As it happened, Robert’s words suited Adam, for his conscience demanded his immediate return to Kelridge Place and here was the perfect excuse to stay at Fenton Hall, the perfect excuse to stay near to Kitty and to use the time to persuade her to change her mind about remarrying. And if spending more time with Kitty meant those plans would take even longer to finish, then, so be it.
‘I shall leave immediately,’ Robert said. ‘In fact, rather than ride, I shall drive my curricle. There is no time to lose…the sooner I leave, the more likely it is that the gatekeepers will recall Tolly and your uncle passing through. May I leave you to inform my stepmother? And do not worry should I fail to return tonight. I intend to make damned sure they did not leave a false trail and double back.’
‘It sounds as though you are enjoying this, Rob.’
Robert grinned. ‘Oh, I am. I love a mystery to solve. And if, as I hope, we find that Grenville and Tolly could not have shot you, then I am sure we will all breathe a sigh of relief.’
He strode from the library, calling to his valet to pack an overnight bag. Adam—furnished with the perfect excuse—asked Vincent where he might find Lady Fenton.
‘She is in her sitting room, my lord. But she asked most particularly not to be disturbed.’
Adam wanted to see her now. Right away. But a sly inner voice reminded him that if he told her too soon, before Robert left, she might very well persuade her stepson he must return that evening. The prospect of dinner with just Kitty for company, not to mention the entire evening together, was simply too enticing. He could wait to see Kitty until Robert had safely left the Hall—there was no need to disturb her rest.
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