‘Adam. I told you I have sworn never to marry again. I have never pretended that is what I wanted from you.’
He stared at her in disbelief as her words ripped his heart. Tears burned behind his eyes and he blinked to keep them at bay.
‘Adam… I cannot admit to a desire for you other than physical, but… I am a widow. If we are discreet, surely we may indulge our passions from time to time?’ Her hands clutched his and then, just as quickly, released them. ‘Think about it. Please. Before you, I have been intimate with no man other than my late husband and your touch has awoken a strange force in me…an urge that I long to explore.’ Her hands gripped one another before her, her knuckles white. Her chin rose as she sucked in a deep breath. ‘If my offer is unacceptable to you, however, then we shall forget this conversation ever took place and we may each get on with our own lives.’
Adam’s throat ached with the effort of holding tears back, his heart leaden even though her offer—her body with no strings attached—would surely be most men’s idea of heaven. But it was not enough for him. He wanted all of her, mind and body and soul. He wanted the essence of her. To live with her and to see her every day of his life.
‘I canna accept such an offer, Kitty. I shall never be content with the occasional loan of your body…how can I bear to live so close to ye and yet not see ye every day? How can I bear not to have the right to hold ye in my arms every night?’
Her grey eyes were stricken. ‘You will not return to Scotland, though?’ Her voice was little more than a whisper.
‘I dinna ken.’ Again, he thrust his hand through his hair, holding his emotions in check by a mere thread. ‘In a straight choice between you and Scotland, ye win every time. But now…if I canna have ye…’ His voice cracked and he cleared his throat to add, ‘I still canna believe ye truly mean it, Kitty.’
He trusted himself to say no more. He pivoted on his heel and strode away from Kitty, his vision blurred by tears and his only thought to return to Kelridge Place as soon as he could.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Kitty swallowed desperately as the pressure of tears built in her throat. She bit back the near-overwhelming urge to call Adam back, to reassure him of her love for him, to ease some of his pain. But she did not, for she must still refuse to marry him.
What choice do I have?
Even if she could find the courage to speak of her barrenness, Adam would no doubt claim it made no difference—and maybe it would not, at first. But it would. Eventually. She was convinced of it. Every peer of her acquaintance was obsessed with one thing and that was to sire a son to continue his line and to succeed him to his title. And Adam had already spoken of the joy of their own baby.
Her way was surely better. Once Adam calmed down, he would see they could enjoy one another’s company discreetly and no one need ever know. It would be safer for her to continue with her contented life with Robert and Charis, and her writing. If she allowed Adam to persuade her to wed him, she could not bear to see his regard for her slowly turn to resentment as her failure to conceive eroded his love for her and he grew to realise exactly what that meant to him and to the earldom.
Adam had not hesitated in his stride. Kitty watched with heaviness in her heart and tears in her eyes as he reached the horses, untied Jester, leapt into the saddle and raced off down the slope.
* * *
When she had arrived home, Vincent had informed her that Lord Kelridge was at work in the library and, that evening, Kitty and Robert were both seated at the dining table before Adam put in an appearance.
‘My apologies for my tardiness,’ he said. ‘I became engrossed in my work and lost track of the time. Rob… I have finished the plans. I would appreciate it if we might meet early tomorrow to go over them. After the news Carter brought, I have decided I must no longer neglect my duty and must return to the Place as soon as possible.’
‘Of course,’ said Rob.
He caught Kitty’s eye and frowned at her. Unable to interpret what that frown signified, Kitty did not respond and instead she began to drink the white soup placed before her. Although she and Robert did their best, the conversation that evening was strained, and it was with some relief that Kitty rose to withdraw. When Robert joined her in the salon only ten minutes later, he said that Adam was feeling unwell and had gone to bed early.
‘Do you know what has upset him?’
Kitty started at Robert’s bald question and she wilfully misunderstood his meaning.
‘I have not the slightest idea—it cannot be anything he ate, for neither you nor I are unwell. I am sure he will be recovered by morning.’ She stood. ‘However, I am also very tired and, if you will excuse me, I, too, will retire early.’
She willed herself not to blush at Robert’s quizzical stare and, after Effie had left her, she wondered if Adam might come to her room, if only to talk. But he did not, and she had too much pride to go to him uninvited.
* * *
The next morning, Adam had gone by the time Kitty went downstairs and, although the news was no surprise, she none the less had to blink back the tears that he had not even said goodbye.
But what did I expect? He has his pride. And I had no choice—this has to be for the best.
She had repeated that refrain countless times through the night, reminding herself of Adam’s words, just two days ago. ‘I can think of nothing more delightful than you holding our baby in your arms.’
That could never happen. But her heart was breaking. What if he went back to Scotland? She might never see him again…could she bear that? Should she have told him the truth?
‘Stepmama?’ Robert popped his head around the parlour door where Kitty lingered over her coffee. ‘Would you come to my study when you are finished here, please?’
* * *
It had taken Kitty some time to get her emotions under control. When she felt more secure, she went to Robert’s study, where he sat at his desk, and sat opposite him.
‘May I tell you a story, Stepmama?’
‘Of course.’ She tried a joke. ‘Does it begin with once upon a time?’
‘As it happens, it does.’ Robert stood then and stared out of the window, his back to Kitty, arms folded. ‘There once was a boy who had lost his mother in the worst way imaginable.’ His voice quivered a little, confirming he spoke of himself. Kitty knew the story, from both him and from Edgar. How they had battled to save Robert’s mother from the fire. ‘And he felt lost. Then a young man came to stay and he was kind to the boy, who looked up to him as his hero, because he took him fishing but, mainly, because he spent time talking to the lad—unlike the boy’s father who had withdrawn into himself. But, sometimes, the young man would disappear and the boy felt hurt. Abandoned. So, one day, the boy followed the young man into the woods.’
Kitty gasped. Robert turned to face her.
‘You saw us?’
Robert nodded.
‘Why did you never say anything?’
‘What would I say?’ He shrugged. ‘At the time, I felt guilty for spying on you both. I knew what I was doing was wrong. And I didn’t want to risk losing Adam’s friendship. I guess I didn’t really think ahead to when he left. And one day, he was gone. And I saw you crying. So I…’
He paused. He sat again at the desk. Kitty narrowed her eyes at the sympathy and the guilt in his.
‘So you told your father?’
He nodded again.
‘I always wondered what made him walk through that part of the woods. He never said.’
‘I didn’t tell him about Adam. I just…it sounds naive now, but I saw my father, so sad and withdrawn, and I saw you with your heart breaking, and I hoped you might help each other.’
‘And we did, so your plan worked.’ Kitty swallowed past the painful lump that had thickened her throat. ‘Why are you telling me this now?’
�
��Because I was hoping you and Adam might end up together after all.’
‘A happy ever after?’
He smiled. ‘Like in your novels.’
‘Real life isn’t as neat as fiction, Robert.’
To her horror, a sob began to build up in her chest. In a flash, Robert was round her side of the desk and handing her a handkerchief. He waited until she had herself under control.
‘Tell me… I could never work out why Adam was so angry with you. When you and he first met again, in London.’
‘He was hurt that I’d married your father so soon after he left.’
‘But…he knew you had to escape your father’s plans.’
‘I never told him the truth. I was too ashamed that my own father would do such a thing and I didn’t want Adam to take me out of pity. So I just begged him to take me—he’d said he loved me and I thought, naively, that would be enough. And when, on that last day, I tried to tell him why, he wouldn’t listen. He didn’t want to know. He said it would make no difference, our positions in society were too far apart and I would be ruined. As if I cared for that.’
‘And why has he gone now? What happened? I’ve seen the way you look at each other… I’ve felt the tension in the air whenever you are together…what went wrong?’
She had no pride left to lose. Robert, it seemed, already knew her heart was breaking, as it had fifteen years ago. What was a bit more humiliation? So she told him.
‘He proposed to you and you refused? In the name of God, why?’
‘I cannot leave you and Charis.’
‘Nonsense! You have raised us all selflessly. It is time to put your own happiness first. Charis will be quite happy home here with me and it is not as though you would be far away at Kelridge Place, is it?’
A thought occurred to Kitty. ‘Are you looking for a wife, Rob?’
‘Ah.’ He had the grace to blush. ‘No. That was a bit of subterfuge to bring you and Adam together.’ He scowled at her. ‘Without success as it turns out.’
‘So I have no need to worry about you and Lady Phoebe Crawshaw?’
‘Lady Phoebe?’ Robert shouted with laughter. ‘Is that what you feared? As if The Incomparable would look twice at a mere viscount!’ He raised his brows at her. ‘And do not think to divert me on to the subject of my matrimonial plans, Stepmama, for they are non-existent. We’ve established you cannot use Charis and me as an excuse, so what is now to stop you accepting Adam?’
She really did not want to discuss such personal matters with Robert, but she could see no way out of admitting the truth.
‘Adam will want an heir.’
Robert shrugged. ‘I should think he will, now he has something worth handing down. What of it?’
Kitty cringed inwardly. ‘Have you never wondered why your father and I never had any children, Rob?’
She watched a tide of red rise up his neck to flood his cheeks. ‘Er…no. I assumed… I thought, maybe, you did not…that is…’
She took pity on him. ‘Your father sired four children in his first marriage. None in his second.’
‘And what did Adam say?’
‘I did not tell him. It is personal.’
‘So he doesn’t know the real reason you refused him.’ Robert frowned. ‘You do realise you are in danger of repeating history? You are concealing the truth from him, just as you did before, and denying him the chance to make his decision based on the facts.’
Kitty hunched her shoulders as if against a blow. He was right and part of her had known it ever since Adam had stormed away from her up on Fenton Edge.
‘Do you love him?’
She nodded, wordlessly.
‘And I am certain he loves you. So, is it not Adam’s decision as to whether having an heir is more important to him than his love for you?’
Kitty slumped, dropping her face into her hands at Robert’s accusation.
‘He would feel obliged to claim it did not matter,’ she mumbled. Then she looked up, ‘But it would, Rob. In time. He will want an heir and he will resent being tied to a woman who cannot give him one.’
Robert shook his head, his expression grim. ‘Well, I cannot force you to be honest with him and you need not fear I shall interfere any more than I have already but, if you will take my advice, you will tell him the truth. He is a grown man. He is perfectly able to understand the implications and deserves the chance to decide for himself whether or not he can accept never being a father.’
Kitty’s thoughts whirled, seeing her dilemma more clearly after hearing Robert’s opinion.
If I am honest with Adam…if he understands precisely why I refused him then, even if he decides siring an heir is more important to him, maybe he will accept my offer of an affaire?
At least he might not then disappear back to Scotland because, if he did, how could she bear never seeing again?
‘Very well,’ she said. ‘And thank you for the advice. I shall write to Adam and ask him to meet me. I shall tell him the truth and he can make his decision in possession of all the facts.’
Her heart felt immeasurably lighter as she penned her letter. She sent it to Kelridge Place, via a groom, with the instruction he must hand it direct to Lord Kelridge himself.
* * *
Adam found it strange to return to Kelridge Place when neither his uncle nor his cousin were in residence. He felt like an intruder, as though he could be challenged at any moment and thrown out, and it was an effort to portray a confidence he did not feel in front of the servants. As a distraction from Kitty’s rejection, he immediately settled down to educate himself about the management of the estate. By one o’clock in the afternoon, however, his eyes were already sore from deciphering Carter’s miniscule letters and numbers in the stock records and ledgers, and his notebook was full of questions to which he needed answers. He sent for Joseph Carter.
While he waited, Adam leaned back in his chair and rubbed his eyes, for the first time allowing himself to properly think about what Kitty had said and, more importantly, why she had refused his offer of marriage. No matter what words came out of her mouth, he knew—viscerally and wholeheartedly—that she loved him. Some women might fake their responses during intimacies such as they had enjoyed, but not Kitty. She was too honest.
Yesterday…his anger and pain had roiled inside him, threatening to erupt, and he’d acted on instinct with the desperate need to get away from Kitty amid all those churning emotions…the need to give himself time to calm down and to recover his pride. Such a volatile situation demanded silence, yet accusations had been clambering over one another in his head, battling to be spoken out loud. All he’d been capable of thinking was what a fool he had been to believe he and Kitty could ever truly put the past behind them. There was too much past hurt and he’d been convinced she would never forgive him for abandoning her, no matter how good his motives at the time.
Now, though…the question still remained unanswered. Why in God’s name would a respectable widow like Kitty be prepared to be his lover, but not his wife? It made no sense.
He propped his elbows on the desk and dropped his face into his hands.
I will put this right. Somehow.
But he had no idea how.
He straightened up at a knock on the door. ‘Come in.’
‘You sent for me, my lord?’ Carter waited just inside the door.
‘Ah. Yes. Good afternoon, Carter. Do sit down.’ Adam wrenched his thoughts back to estate matters and ledgers. ‘I have several questions about the estate records and, from what Mr Trewin said, I understand you have been keeping the books for the past several years?’
The steward’s brow puckered. ‘Is there aught amiss, my lord?’ His defensive tone caught Adam’s interest and he studied the man opposite, who avoided making eye contact but sat back and folded his arms across his chest. ‘I do my utmost
to ensure accurate records are kept, I can assure you. Neither your father nor Mr Trewin ever found reason to complain about my work.’
‘This is not a complaint, Carter.’ Adam spoke calmly. There was no point in antagonising the steward if there was indeed anything wrong with the books. But his interest was piqued and he determined to examine them with even more thoroughness as soon as Carter left. ‘I merely require clarification upon a few points as I am unfamiliar with the running of an estate.’
Carter visibly relaxed. ‘Of course, it must be difficult for you to decipher such records, my lord, being as you are unused to country matters and to estate business. I shall be glad to answer any questions you might have.’
‘Thank you. Now…first…crop yields. Wheat, barley and oats are, I think, all grown here?’
‘They are.’
‘As I know nothing about yields, I looked back over the records for the past five years.’ Carter’s expression stayed open. Unconcerned.
Perhaps I am wrong?
Adam ploughed on. ‘Even non-country folk like myself were aware of the disastrous harvest in 1816 and that it was hardly better in 1817.’ The entire country had suffered through a summer when the sun simply did not shine—all the result of a volcano that erupted the year before on the other side of the world, so it was said. There had been widespread failure of crops up and down the country, and much starvation as the price of corn rocketed. ‘And yet…’ Adam indicated the notebook where the crop yields were recorded, then swivelled it around to face Carter ‘…the last three years’ yields at Kelridge Place are barely better than they were in 1817. I found that strange.’
‘Our yields in ’16 and ’17 did not drop as much as they did elsewhere so they would not show as much recovery, would they?’
‘Where are the records for the years prior to 1816?’
‘They are in my room, my lord.’
‘Will you please fetch them?’
‘It may take some time to lay my hands on them. Were there any other queries first? In case I need to look out more old records for you.’
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