“You’re saying I don’t love myself, that I haven’t forgiven myself for making such a mess of my life?” Katie knew she shouldn’t feel so defensive. Her mother was only trying to help, but Katie wasn’t in the right state of mind to face her past today.
“Don’t get me wrong, I think Lee’s a decent guy. I’ll admit I haven’t always felt that way about him, especially after I learned what happened between him and your sister.”
“Mama, that’s ancient history. Lee’s not that guy anymore.”
Liz frowned. “I know that. Do you think I would have encouraged you to stay married to him if I didn’t think he had it in him to be a good husband and father?”
Katie had confessed to her mother nearly two years earlier that she and Lee weren’t getting along well, but her mother encouraged her to try to make it work for Hannah’s sake. She’d stayed, but she hadn’t tried all that hard to make her marriage better. As sad as it made her, she and Lee had already been too far gone by that point.
“Part of me feels bad I did that,” Liz said. “Maybe I should have encouraged you to get out back then. If y’all were miserable, a baby’s no reason to stay together.”
“We weren’t miserable.” At least, she hadn’t been. She didn’t know if she could say the same for Lee.
“But you weren’t happy, which is almost as bad as being miserable.” Liz chuckled. “Take it from me. I spent most of my life somewhere between unhappiness and misery.”
“Yeah, but not anymore, right?” Katie said, hoping her mother was as happy living with her family in Nashville as she seemed.
“Happiness begins with forgiveness and letting go of the past. For me, forgiving myself and learning to let go was the hardest thing I’d ever done. I knew I had to do it if I had a prayer of staying sober. I don’t want my grandbabies to have a nana who’s a drunk,” Liz said, her lower lip trembling. “I want to be better for those girls. I only wish I’d had that epiphany when you and your sister were their age.”
Katie swung her legs over the side of the lounger and reached for her mother’s hand. “Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. At least you stuck around, which is more than I can say for a lot of parents.”
“Maybe you would’ve been better off if I—”
“Don’t say that. Don’t even think it,” Katie warned. “Our childhood may not have been perfect, but there were good times. I choose to hang on to those and let go of the rest. You need to do the same.”
“I do.” Liz kissed the back of her daughter’s hand. “Most days. But you know how it is. Sometimes those nasty memories come back to bite you in the butt.”
“Don’t I know it,” Katie muttered, thinking about how often she’d get flashes of the addict she used to be and cringe at that mental image of herself.
“But you’re not that girl anymore. You’re someone a man like Chris would be lucky to have by his side.”
Yeah, right! Katie was caught off guard when her inner voice shouted that. Was that the reason she was afraid to take a chance on Chris—because deep down she didn’t feel worthy?
“But you don’t really believe that do you?” Liz sat up straighter.
“I don’t know,” Katie whispered. She wouldn’t lie to Liz, not given how far they’d come to repair their fractured relationship. “I’m not sure how I feel.”
“Can I give you a little piece of advice?” Liz asked.
“Sure.”
“Figure it out, and soon. Men like Chris won’t wait around forever.”
Chapter Eleven
Chris didn’t feel like going home after work, so he decided to pass by Jimmy’s bar. At least one or two of his friends were usually there playing darts or shooting pool. He should be able to get in on the action. Anything to take his mind off Katie. That woman was driving him crazy, and he didn’t know what the hell to do about it. As soon as he walked in, he spotted Lee sitting at the bar. As he got closer, he realized it was actually Drake. To most people, they looked identical. Those who knew them well saw the subtle differences, the most obvious being Lee’s perma-stubble. Drake was always clean shaven.
“Hey, buddy,” Chris said, slapping Drake’s back as he straddled the stool beside him. “Can I buy you a beer?” Even though Chris had always been closer with Lee, he and Drake went back just as far. Chris considered him a friend. They had worked together to try to get Lee the help he needed when he hit rock bottom. Even though their efforts had been in vain, they’d developed a connection only those who’d done battle together could understand.
“I think I’ll stick with this,” Drake said, lifting his glass of vodka. “I’m on my way home in a bit. I was just grabbing a drink with Indie while she waited for her date.”
Chris spotted one of Drake’s employees, Indie Eaton, sliding into a booth with a tall, good-looking guy who appeared too conservative and uptight to appreciate Indie’s quirkiness. “Do you have a minute to talk?” If anyone could shed some light on how Lee really felt, it would be Drake. Chris didn’t want to believe Lee may have said something to discourage Katie from having a relationship with him, but everything seemed to have changed after their talk.
“I always have time for you,” Drake said, smiling. “What’s up?”
“Has Lee said anything to you about me and Katie?”
Drake quirked an eyebrow and leaned back on his stool. “I didn’t know you and Katie were an item. When did that happen?”
Chris ordered a beer. “We’re not together, but—”
“You’d like to be?” Chris nodded. Drake asked, “How does my brother feel about that?”
“I was hoping you could tell me. He says he’s fine with it, but something’s spooked Katie, and it seems like it might be something Lee said to her.”
“Did you ask him about it?”
“Not yet.” Chris knew he’d go crazy if he didn’t confront Lee. His friend wouldn’t purposely put the kibosh on his relationship with Katie, but perhaps he’d done it subconsciously because he still had feelings for her and he wasn’t ready to see her with someone else. Chris could certainly understand that. Seeing his ex with a new man had stung for months after their separation.
“I suggest you start there,” Drake said.
“I will.” Chris sighed and nodded to the bartender who placed a beer in front of him. “I was just hoping you could give me some idea of what he might be thinking.”
“Lee and Katie…”
Chris tipped his beer back, waiting for Drake to finish. If Drake told him Lee had feelings for Katie, he would have no choice but to step back. As much as he cared for Katie, she and Lee had a daughter. If they could repair their broken marriage, he wouldn’t stand in their way.
“Found each other at a time when they both needed someone,” Drake said.
“So I’ve heard.” He hadn’t been a part of their lives at the time, but Chris believed Lee when he said Katie was his life preserver during his darkest hours. She’d talked him through the withdrawal, held him when he was shaking and begging for just one more fix to get him through the night.
“I’m glad he had Katie. I don’t know that he would’ve gotten clean without her.”
“But…?”
“But I really think their relationship has run its course. I won’t deny I’m torn about that. I love their little girl like she’s my own and I know this has gotta be hard on her, and them too. But the other part of me wants them both to find what Cassidy and I have. Real love.”
“You don’t think they were ever really in love?” Chris asked.
Drake gave him a scornful look. “You’ve seen them together. You tell me.”
Chris had always known something was missing between them. He suspected that’s why his heart had led him into dangerous territory. He believed Katie deserved better than the hand life had dealt her. “I want…”
“Say whatever’s on your mind, man. We’ve known each other too long to pull punches.”
Drake was right. Chris needed to come clean a
bout his feelings for Katie and let the chips fall. “To give Katie the kind of life I think she deserves.”
“Which means?”
“I think I’m in love with her.” Chris took a deep breath. He was in love with his best friend’s wife, and if that meant eternal damnation, it would be worth it if she shared his feelings. “I want to give her the kind of life she’s always wanted. A big family, great business, support—”
“So, what’s stopping you? Lee?”
“No, like I said, he said he’s okay with it.”
“But you don’t believe him?”
“I don’t know what the hell to believe anymore.” The only thing Chris knew for sure was that something had happened to make Katie rethink everything. He was wracking his brain to try to figure out if he had said or done something to make her change her mind about him.
“I suggest you ask him.” Drake inclined his head toward the door.
Chris watched Lee saddle up the bar while every female in the place turned to stare. He and Drake had that quality that made women stop and take notice. Chris suspected his friend wouldn’t be sleeping alone for long.
“Hey, guys,” Lee said, rapping his knuckles on the bar beside Chris. “What’s up?”
“I could ask you the same,” Drake said, narrowing his eyes at his brother. “I thought you were heading home?” Drake would probably always be on the lookout for signs of trouble with his twin. It was the curse of loving a former addict.
“I thought I’d grab some takeout on the way home. Is that okay with you, warden?” Lee smirked.
Drake got up and threw a few bills on the bar to cover his tab. “I gotta get home to my wife. Y’all have a good night.” He slapped Chris’s back before pointing at Lee. “Remember, we’ve got an early meeting with Clint. I need you to be there with your head in the game.”
Lee rolled his eyes as soon as Drake turned his back. “Whatever you say, boss man.”
Chris chuckled when Lee claimed the stool on the other side of him. “I see your brother’s still busting your chops.”
“Not like I ever expect him to stop. To Drake, I’ll always be the screw-up he has to watch out for.”
“That’s not true.” Chris nudged him with his elbow. “You’ve come a hell of a long way since those days. You’re one of the best sound engineers in the business. You’re a great dad and—”
“A failure as a husband.” Lee sighed. “Not that I’m feeling sorry for myself or anything.”
Chris knew that was his opening. “You having any regrets about that?”
“Not really.” Lee reached for a plastic menu on the bar. “I mean, I get kind of lonely now and again. I’m missin’ my baby girl like crazy.”
“You know you can go and see her anytime you want.”
“I know, but I don’t want to confuse her. We need to settle into a routine so she’ll know weekdays are mommy time and weekends are daddy time.”
Chris knew exactly what he was going through. Because Bianca had been so young when they divorced, he suspected it had been harder on him to get used to custody arrangements than it had been on her. He wanted to be with his daughter every day, not just on weekends.
“How’s the business plan going?” Lee asked. “You and Katie making any headway with that?”
Chris had been moving forward, keeping Katie in the loop as best he could. Regardless of whether she decided to bail on the project, he felt it was worth pursuing. At the end of the day, he was a business man, and he recognized a good opportunity when he saw one. He’d run the numbers, and it was a good prospect. “I think I’m ready to make an offer on the building we liked.”
“Great.”
“Yeah, but I’m not sure Katie’s as excited about it as she was in the beginning.”
“What makes you say that?” Lee frowned. “She’s talked about doing this for years. Now that she has someone like you to help her make it happen, I’d be expecting her to do backflips.”
“Yeah, you’d think so, wouldn’t you?” Chris didn’t want to blame Lee for causing a rift between them, especially since he didn’t know all the facts, but he couldn’t help but feel something had happened during their late-night chat. “Did she say anything to you, you know, before we went away for the weekend? Like maybe she wasn’t so sure about getting involved with me?”
Lee tossed the menu aside and held up his hand to ward off the bartender when he approached. “I told her you were the real deal, and if she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, she shouldn’t lead you on.”
Chris swore softly. He knew his friend was only trying to help, but rushing Katie into a relationship wasn’t part of his strategy. He wanted to give her time to get to know him as more than just a friend before he pushed her for anything more. “I wish you hadn’t done that.”
“Look, I know her a lot better than you do. Shutting down is what she does when she’s scared. That’s what she’s doing now.”
“You think so?” It made sense, but he was pretty sure that calling her out and forcing her to face her feelings for him would backfire.
“I know so.” Lee propped one elbow on the bar as he faced the dance floor. “If she’s told you she’s not ready for a relationship, it’s because she’s afraid of getting hurt.”
“You don’t really think I’d hurt her, do you?” If anything, Chris feared it may be the other way around.
“I don’t think so, but I can pretty much guarantee you that’s what Katie’s thinking. She sees a guy like you, who’s got it all together, and she wonders what the hell you’d ever see in a single mom with a history like hers.”
“I’d never judge Katie because of her past. I admire her even more because of it.” Chris hated that she couldn’t see that her addiction made her a better, stronger person. The only person who still judged her because of the mistakes she’d made a lifetime ago was Katie.
“Then you need to tell her that.”
“You think so?”
“Unless you wanna spend the rest of your life living across the street from the woman you love and wondering what might have been.” Lee fixated on the lone guitar player singing a ballad on the stage.
Chris asked, “You have any regrets?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Such as?”
“I wanted to be where he is, doing what he’s doing.” Lee inclined his head toward the stage.
Chris remembered Lee talking about that in high school. He’d had a hell of a voice and he could have held his own in a guitar battle with the likes of Keith Urban or Brad Paisley. “You still play?”
“Not since I sold my favorite guitar for what I swore would be my last hit.” He rolled his eyes. “How pathetic is that?”
“Was it your last hit?”
“Hell no.”
“Why don’t you get another guitar?” Chris watched the guy on stage. Lee could still play better than him with one hand tied behind his back.
“That was a lifetime ago, buddy.”
“Some dreams are worth resurrecting.” Chris stood and pulled a couple of twenties from his pocket. “Your dinner’s on me tonight. Thanks for the advice about Katie. Will you think about what I said?” He hooked a thumb over his shoulder. “We both know you could put this guy to shame, and I’m willing to bet J.T. would let you take the stage here if you’re interested.”
Lee got a pensive look. “I don’t know. I’ll think about it.”
Chris gripped his shoulder as he walked past. “Don’t waste too much time thinking about it. Sometimes you gotta take action before you lose your chance.”
Chapter Twelve
Katie set her laptop on the coffee table before a soft tap on the door distracted her. She pulled the curtains back and peeked out the window, but she didn’t see a car. Hannah had been asleep for hours, making her reluctant to open the door until she knew who it was. Making her way to the front door, she saw a large male form through the glass, but she couldn’t tell who it was. She kept her voice low enough
that she wouldn’t wake Hannah. “Who is it?”
“It’s me. You got a minute?”
Chris. Her heart raced at the sound of his voice. She’d been thinking about him almost non-stop since she told him she wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship. She opened the door and stood back so he could enter. “Hey, this is a surprise.”
“I know it’s getting late. Do you mind if I come in for a minute? I thought we should talk.”
“Sure.” She closed the door softly, taking a moment to collect herself before facing him. “Can I get you anything? Maybe a—”
“No, I’m good, thanks. I just need to talk.” He walked into the family room, pausing when he saw her computer and books spread out on the sofa and coffee table. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. If you want to do this another time—”
“No, now’s good.” It wasn’t as though she could focus on studying when she kept stealing a glance out the window to find out if his lights were on.
“How’s the studying going? Think you’ll be ready for the big exams?”
“I think so.” She didn’t want to jinx herself, but she felt confident that she knew the material well enough to pass her first exam the next day.
“Good.” He paced the small room before he propped a shoulder against the wall.
He looked so good standing there, Katie had to hold her breath to prevent a sigh from slipping past her lips. She didn’t think she would ever tire of looking at him. “Is that what you came here to talk about, the business?”
“No, I came here to talk about us,” he said, searing her with his hypnotic gaze. “I know what you said, but I need to know if you meant it.”
Us. He thought they had a chance to be a couple even after she’d tried to dissuade him? Katie didn’t know whether she should be exasperated, flattered, or relieved. When his gaze locked with hers, Katie felt as though she could barely breathe. That was the moment of truth… She had to decide whether to face her fears or run back to her hiding spot and pull the covers over her head.
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