by K A Duggsy
Chapter 13
Kye
I’ve been awake for hours, we set up camp not far from Charlotte’s walls and I didn’t sleep a wink. I’m going to play this my way this time. If she won’t help, then we’ll find someone else or go back without weapons.
I’ve been back for an entire day and am no closer to finding my girl. It’s eating away at my insides. The not knowing. Is she okay? Safe? In danger? Pain? Is she happier without me? Sad? Does she think about me? Is the baby okay? The list keeps growing; the boxes I stored them in keep tearing open. I’m passed tired, the word for how I feel hasn’t been invented.
Should I even be here? She left to escape me. I imagine the last thing she wants is me showing up to remind her how much she despises me. Did she really think I’d watch her disappear and just stand back and accept it? If so we really have lost our connection. I might have been a jerk, I might’ve deserved losing her to realise that fact but deep down she knows me, she knows me better than anyone and she must know this isn’t the kind of thing I can accept or ignore. It’s not a territorial thing, a need to have things my own way, to get what I want. It’s deeper than that. If I truly thought she’d be better off alone I’d give it to her, I’d wrap it up in a big red bow and wish her well. But I know her too, she’s doing her impulsive ‘I can cope, I need no one, I’m not hurting’ thing. She left so I couldn’t see what was happening to her, she left thinking it was best for me. If she didn’t love me anymore she wouldn’t care about what was best for me. She needs me as much as I need her. We were both too stubborn to admit it, though. Did she learn that from me too?
I wish I could take back some of the things I taught her, some of the things she picked up from being around the team 24/7. She’s a woman, a woman who didn’t know how to be one. I took her in, surrounded her with men that swear and are lewd. It was like teaching a child to grow up and I taught her wrong. I led her the wrong way; she learnt to stifle her feelings like we do, to hide them, run away from them instead of opening up. But even if she tried, would I have listened? I was burying my head too.
I’m too old for this shit! I just don’t feel it anymore. If, no when I get Faith back I’m quitting. It was fine when I only had myself to think about, when I was single and didn’t need to consider others but now I have my girl, a baby on the way, this has to stop. I can’t leave them for long periods of time, never knowing when a mission will be complete. I can’t be coming home to them and scaring a child with cuts, bruises or other injuries. Home? Where will home be? Will Faith want to stay here? Will she follow me back to my time if I put it right? Would I even ask that of her? Travelling has so many risks, no she won’t be travelling again, definitely not while she’s pregnant. In fact, if I have my way she won’t be doing a thing. I can’t see her in that turmoil again if something happened. I can’t watch her lose herself, I’ve watched it too many times, who knows if next time she’ll be able to find her way back from the maze her mind creates.
I sit up and roll my neck. I won’t miss sleeping wherever we can lay our heads. Last night was a field with my backpack as a pillow and my jacket as a quilt. Taking it in turns every few hours to keep watch while listening to the others snoring and farting. I should have volunteered to watch the whole night as sleep wasn’t forthcoming but it gave me time to think. It made me realise what’s important. I never thought the thrill of my job would leave me, maybe it’s just a stumbling block, maybe it’s the uncertainty but as of right now I want to give up. I’ll finish this, lead them as I should for the final time, then I’m done. Decision made.
“You talk some shit in your sleep!” Cal says.
I look around to pinpoint who he’s talking to but it’s only us awake. That would be me then. “Really? Wanna share?”
“Nah just thought I’d warn you.”
“Warn me?” I question.
“Mm hmm if you say half that stuff when Faith’s next to you, well, can you film what she does to you?”
“What the fuck are you on about Cal?”
He smirks. “Dreaming about Charlotte by any chance?”
“Fuck off! The only way I’d dream about her is if I was strangling her!”
He feigns shock. “Never had you pegged as a bondage type.”
“Cal it’s way too fucking early for your perkiness and jokes, get lost.”
“Kye seriously you need to lighten up. That badass image you got going might reel in the women but us guys need you to cut loose once in a while. Do you remember how to have fun?”
“I’m fun,” I protest but even the word on my tongue tastes foreign.
He folds his arms. “Fun? Bullshit. You’re the least fun person I know. Come on let go of that tension, do something spontaneous.”
“Like what?”
He rolls his eyes. “Look around, what do you see?”
I look around what seems a vast field and all I see is grass, trees and the team fast asleep. I shrug at him.
“Wanna know what I see?”
Not really but if it’s gonna get him off my back for the rest of the day I’ll go with it. I nod for him to divest.
“Opportunity,” he says it with a glint in his eyes.
I sigh, whatever the fuck it is he sees I don’t get it, I’m not in the mood for it. Why is he the only one awake? One on one with Cal is like dealing with a hyperactive kid; he literally zaps the energy out of me and feeds off it to keep himself going.
He can see he’s losing me so carries on, “The team are asleep, let’s mess with them.”
“What? Cal, how old are you?”
“Young enough that a good prank still makes me laugh my arse off. Come on, this’ll be fun. I guarantee you’ll crack a smile.”
“I’ll take that bet!” I tell him.
We wander around our makeshift camp, doing everything from tying their laces together to drawing on their faces. I feel ridiculous but Cal’s face is so boyish and excited by the fact I’ve allowed him, not to mention joined in with him doing this that I start to anticipate their reactions. I can’t wait to see them come around to what we’ve done. On the other hand, I’m pissed, why the hell are they not waking up? We’re all pretty light sleepers usually, used to having to wake in a flash and wipe off the fog of sleep.
Cal claps his hands gently in glee and I leave him to it while I get a fire started. He’s such a man child!
Faith
I knew I’d end up walking for miles again; thank God I had the foresight to pack clothes and toiletries. The still nameless woman has accompanied me on my off grid trek. Apparently the person who can help me lives out here. I brought spare clothes but she luckily brought water and snacks. The sun is beaming down on us and I’ve removed Trask’s jacket and stuffed it in my bag. If I didn’t need to drink so badly, the bottled water would be tipped over my head. She gave me my knife back and it’s tucked in the belt of my jeans, it’s hardly comfortable but I know I need quick access to it. Conversation has been sparse. For every question I ask, she dodges and throws out two of her own.
I’m giving her nothing, not until I get the answers I need. It’s funny that I came back to stop Fraser but all I’ve been able to concentrate on is my sisters. One thing at a time. The most important first. I wonder how an election is going to be set up if the city still doesn’t know the President has died. How much time do I have to get my sisters and stop him?
I wish it was night time, I wish that it wasn’t just wide open areas of space with no chance of shade. I wish I knew my companions name. I wish I knew where we were going and who we are meeting and what to expect but as usual, I’m in the dark. I wish Kye were here to calm me with something as simple as his grin. And while I’m wishing for stuff I wish my stomach would stop churning and my saliva glands would dry up. Who knew I was so high maintenance?
“We should reach there this afternoon,” she says.
Oh great, I can’t bloody wait. I’m sure I have sand in my trainers, I can feel it rubbing between my toes, and socks
it seems are no barrier for that stuff. I remember the devastation my feet suffered after my last wander through off grid. I can’t wait until we’re free of the sand, if ever. I’m so grumpy but I guess it’s better than the sorrow I was feeling, any emotion other than hopelessness and deep consuming grief has to be better, right? I thought my emotions were stuck, kind of like Groundhog Day, just feeling the same thing over and over again, reliving the same pain day after day. Grumpy I can get on board with.
“Are you okay?” She asks when I don’t respond to her. I can’t even remember what she said.
“I’m fine,” I snap.
“Try telling that to your face,” she says.
I spin to face her. “My face always looks like this. If you don’t like it, don’t look.”
She smiles. “Better. Hold on to that feistiness. Where we’re going the slightest hint of weakness will be pounced on.”
Well hallelujah something helpful from her with no name. Weakness is frowned on, well no shit, isn’t it always?
“What is it with everyone and all this macho shit?”
“The strong survive, the weak perish. It’s that simple.” She shrugs. “Why do you think so many are blind to what goes on in the city? Because it’s easier to abide by rules, it’s easy to sit back and let it be someone else’s problem, it’s the simplest option. What happens to those that do argue, that voice an opinion, are they heard? No, because they’re in the minority. They’re in the minority because they’re weak, because instead of persevering and fighting for what they believe they roll over and accept their fate.”
“That’s a generalisation if ever I heard one. Some people aren’t aware that there’s a secret gang out here willing to stand by them.”
“We’re not a gang and we have nothing against those that won’t stand up for themselves, it’s what they’ve been taught not to do. That’s why it’s hard for us to build numbers, it’s rare that someone comes forward and wants out of the control. We have to be strong for those people, for those once in a while finds. We hide behind our hard facade because we once were weak also.”
“Yeah? Well showing a little vulnerability every now and then doesn’t hurt. In fact, it’s better than looking at a block of hardened concrete and never knowing how they truly feel.”
She tilts her head and scrutinises me. “You’ve been bitten by love? Love makes us weak. It’s all good in the beginning but inevitably it breaks us down. Don’t let it take you, channel that loss into anger. Channel that pain into revenge.”
I stop walking and study her. What a ridiculous thing to say. It does sound intriguing, though. Would rage and revenge feel better than this... This shallow hole? Am I even capable of switching off my need for love, my need to be loved? I survived without it for a long time, surely I can survive again. How long is it meant to hurt for, will it hurt forever or with time will it ease?
“Will it ever stop hurting?” I ask her.
“One day,” she replies with a knowing smile.
One day? One day I won’t wake up to find my insides are scraping together like sandpaper, sanding every part of me. One day I won’t wake up and find it difficult to breathe for those first few seconds of realisation. One day I won’t think of him anymore and feel my heart constrict so tightly that I panic it’s going to explode and not one part of me will be left intact.
One day.
Kye
I’ll have to listen to Cal more often. It was fucking hilarious to watch the team wake up one by one and not realise what we’d done to them, except for Palmer, as soon as he tried to stand up he went arse over tit as it was his laces I tied together. Cal and I sounded like a pack of hyena’s as we cackled like women and held our aching sides. They’re really unimpressed with us and we’ve been grunted at, the rest of the way. They haven’t ratted us out to Jonah though who we wrote on, he still has no clue and every time I look at him I have to bite my cheek to stop from doubling over. It will be even funnier once we get to Charlotte’s and that’s just what I need. I need the image of him being mauled, to cancel out the image of my completely different mauling.
Her building is right in front of me now. It’s crazy, apparently when she started out she lived in a shack but once she gained a loyal following building went into overdrive and she’s set up a well-guarded compound. Grey concrete blocks greet us but this compound stretches back into what were woods. The amount of time it must have taken to clear out a path is mind blowing. The entrance is visible, just but the rest of the buildings are immersed in the woodland. The doorway is opened by a series of levers and pulleys manned by hand. We only found this place the first time we travelled here by a tip-off from a drunk who thought he’d be rewarded in alcohol by Charlotte for sending more fighters her way.
The guards step forward on our approach.
I walk towards one. “Hi, we’re here to see Charlotte.” I elbow him in his windpipe and watch as he starts gasping for breath, he sinks to his knees and the other guard nods to the watchers. The signal to let us pass. It took us the longest time last time to figure out how to gain entry. There’s no guest list that your name can be checked off on. It’s all about strengths and weaknesses, to enter a guard has to be hurt.
The levers start grinding and the first door opens falling down to the ground almost like a bridge. Once that has opened, the next lot of levers start sliding the following door across to the right. We walk through and nothing has changed, the market they have here is simple, fruit, veg and other items are sold from carts in the street. The houses are the same grey concrete, ugly but sturdy and most are only one level, no going up the stairs to bed.
The people are all dressed simply. There are no women here parading around in high heels or short dresses. As we make our way through the shoppers, women start walking up to Jonah and kissing him, on his head, his lips, his hands, wherever they can find space, he’s lavished with kisses. Women are now surrounding him and we all back away and watch the scene. His eyes are huge.
We keep walking until we reach the arena, it’s more like a circular ruin. This part was started and not finished, the walls are high and tree branches hang over the open top where a roof should be but isn’t. Charlotte thought that being pelted by rain during a fight would make things more interesting, more slippery, and dirtier as the ground is mud. They literally started building this with blocks and shaped it in an igloo style but left out a base. It was built on the woodland ground and inside is seating in a semi-circle straight ahead, the seats are layered, so each row is higher than the one in front all made out of wood from the trees they chopped down and to the right is where she sits, sometimes alone but mostly with her honoured guests.
On this level where we walk into the fighting area, there is two tunnels to the preparation rooms. The fighters have the chance to meet beforehand in a room, size each other up or freak one another out. Then we are left alone to prepare, to change, and to work out tactics. When announced we exit to this area through the tunnels. I start walking through the first tunnel to the right, the men follow and as we go I can hear her. I’ve always thought of her voice as shrill, the guys think I have rocks in my ears, though.
We’re halfway through the tunnel when she spins around to face us. “Finally! My runner informed me of your visit twenty minutes ago.” She spots me and a smile creeps across her face “Were you not so eager to see me this time, Darling?”
She walks towards me and holds my upper arms as she kisses first one cheek, then the other. “I am surprised to see you back so soon. Couldn’t stay away?” She arches a brow.
“You were so hospitable last time; how could we resist?”
She throws her head back and cackles when she’s finished she asks, “Are you here to stay this time?”
“No.”
“Why do you need to disappoint me? It’s hurtful.” She pouts.
“I thought you didn’t do feeling Charlotte, have you been playing me all along?”
“Quite right. I forgot m
yself there for a moment.” She claps her hands “This is a pleasure. What do you need from me and more importantly what will I get from you in return for it?”
“Phasers, new Comm-recs...”
“What did you do with the others I gave to you?”
“Does it matter? They’re gone, we need new.”
She huffs like a spoilt rich kid. “Yes it matters, how could you be so careless? I don’t have enough to give away if they’re going to be discarded so easily. These items are needed. I entrusted you last time as I believed eventually you’d join me and the items would go towards the collective. I don’t have an endless supply, contrary to what you believe.”
I had practically the same speech last time about her not having many to spare and blah, blah, blah, it’s all a ruse so that she can ask me to do what she really wants. The bigger the pay-out the higher her reward.
“I’m willing to fight.”
“Oh willing this time, should I be grateful?”
“Do you want to see it or not? If I’m wasting my time we’ll go.” I stand firm even though she’s irritating the fuck out of me. We both know how this ends, why all the prelude?
“You remember the rule?”
“Yes.”
“Good, I’m bored with you now. Sebastian will lead the way. Let me see my boys.” She pushes me aside and air kisses each of the men, some even get hugs. When she reaches Jonah she stares at his face and whispers in his ear. He pins me with a ferocious look before she links her arm through his and leads them back through the tunnel, the way we entered.
Guess she told him what was written:
Kiss me for luck.
Chapter 14
Faith
I’m walking along with a weed of a man. I’m on tenterhooks. She-with-no-name brought me to a giant concrete structure housed by guards, they just kept staring at me and she took pity on me and stood on tiptoes to whisper to the guard. As he bent to hear her she kneed him in the groin. Even I winced. His face turned red and he clutched his balls through his clothing before falling to his knees. The gates were opened and I was confused.