by K A Duggsy
He wraps his fist in her perfectly styled hair and tilts his face to hers. She stares at him, her excitement apparent. I watch in repulsed fascination. Is that how he looks when he kisses me? His face has taken on a vacant expression and I know he’s fighting internally with the repercussions of this. Their lips meet and I suck in a steadying breath to hide the whimper that tried to escape. She’s smiling against his mouth and I see her ram her tongue in his. He falters at the action before accepting the invasion. I wish I was blind; no I wish she had no tongue. I wish this was over. The first tear rolls down my cheek and I know the onslaught is coming. I’m holding my breath and I bunch my fists as she starts murmuring against his lips, little sounds of appreciation before she eats his face. She’s leading this kiss. It’s a form of control, she may have stated how she wanted the kiss but the fact is she just wanted to kiss him. There’s nothing loving about the way they’re going at it. My heart is screaming at me, begging me to end its torture as it thuds loudly in my ears. I turn away and try not to sniffle. I’ve seen enough. I just watched him cheat on me. And now I understand his reaction to finding out about Donovan. It cuts places deep inside, places I wasn’t aware were there. It cuts, it burns and it leaves a scar.
I throw up! Watching him degrade himself like this is a horror I never expected. He’s doing it for me and that’s all kinds of fucked up. He’s kissing another woman to save me from fighting. What a twisted, messed up thing to have to swallow. Their lips have stopped smacking noisily against each other and I realise that alone has helped me breathe more easily. I haven’t moved from my spot. I’m just staring at my sick on the floor. This whole situation is a level of gross I can’t wrap my head around. That image will always be with me, like a stain that can’t be washed away. A stain in my brain, a stain behind my eyes and a stain on my hearing. It can’t be thrown out because it’s protected, safely stored away in my memories and as I know only too well some memories are evil, they escape when we least want them to. They lurk behind the scenes just waiting for their perfect moment to remind you of a time you’d rather forget. At this moment, I’d happily let Fraser take my memories. I’d walk to him with open arms and beg him to fiddle with my mind and make it go away.
The door clicks shut and still I don’t move. My insides are still screaming. I knew it would hurt but this is agony. I want to sit in a quiet corner and rock until my heart stops constricting. I don’t know if they had a conversation after that floor show but I feel his hands rest on my shoulders and involuntarily flinch. He drops them and I hear him whisper, “I’m sorry baby. I’m so fucking sorry.”
Sorry? It’s a lame word, it doesn’t automatically restore things, make things right but it’s the only word there is. Who decided that that word was good enough to convey remorse? Where in our language did it come from? Was it just plucked out of thin air and decided ‘yes this word will do?’ It seems wholly understated, impractical and just... not enough, but there are no others. There’s no magic fix and even understanding his motives doesn’t mean I can fall into his arms and pretend it’s cool. It’s so not fucking cool. I want to kiss someone in front of him right this second so he can feel what I went through.
I turn to look at him and notice Charlotte and the guy are both gone. His eyes are filled with that familiar pain I’m so used to seeing in them. Watery hazel irises showing a vulnerability in him I rarely get to peek at. We’re a hot mess. We keep putting each other in hopeless situations, hurting one another, intentionally or not. Why can’t he see what we do to each other, what we put each other through? It’s not normal, it’s not healthy and we need to break the cycle.
“Kye...”
“Don’t baby. Please.”
“Kye, I get it okay. I do. But there’s nothing you can say to make it better.”
“I know but I need to try anyway.”
“Kye you can’t pierce my lung and expect me to breathe properly, you can’t...”
He puts his hand over my mouth. “Stop. I feel guilty enough. I want to wash my mouth out with acid. I want to scrub my lips clean off my face and I want to rip my eyes out so I don’t have to see the pain in yours. So go ahead baby, claw them out. It’ll make you feel better and me too.”
I slap him hard across the face, his head flies to the left. He had no time to stop me or to prepare for it because I didn’t know I was going to do it.
I don’t know where it comes from and it takes us both by surprise but laughter bubbles up from my throat and I laugh in his face. I laugh until tears are steaming down my cheeks. This is just absurd. What he did, what I watched, the reasons for it. My hand acted of its own accord. It’s strange what certain emotions do to you, guilt at striking my man made me laugh? What is that about? It felt good but wrong also. He deserved it but he didn’t. It’s too much to deal with, my brain is obviously malfunctioning. Pent up emotions from the last week emerged with that slap. He stands stock still, unsure if I’m going into melt down again. When I’ve calmed down I wipe my eyes and stroke his face, loving the rough stubble against my palm.
“Not your eyes babe. They get me every time.”
He grins in relief and his face changes to something gentler, verging on playful.
“Now your balls they’re a different matter.”
He kisses the top of my head; wisely for him as if he’d gone for my mouth I’d have harmed him.
“Kye I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I hit you.”
“Feel better?”
“A little.”
“Good, I deserved it.”
He guides me away from the sick and we sit on the bench. “So I’m pregnant?” It feels weird to say and strange to talk about after what just happened but I need the distraction, the diversion from running it over and over again in my head. Blurting it out is the only way I could get up the courage to confront it. It’s this or keep talking about that kiss.
“Yes. Saunders thought so but the President confirmed it.”
“The President? How many people knew I was pregnant before me?”
He looks guilty. “Um... The team knows.”
“Kye! Isn’t this the type of news that couples share together?”
“You wouldn’t listen to me Faith. You left. You ran like you always do. I needed them onside; they had to know why you were in danger.”
“I don’t always run.”
He arches a brow. “Really?”
“It’s not running Kye, it’s... for the best.”
“Don’t run from me again Sweetheart. Promise me.”
“Promise me you forgive me, that you won’t ever flake out on me again. Promise you’ll never make me feel unwanted.”
“Faith.” He rests his head against mine but I see the pain flash in his eyes first. “I promise you I’m done. I’m leaving the team and I’m going to spend the rest of my days with you, showing you I’m the man you fell for. We’re forever babe. I couldn’t love you harder if I tried, sometimes I forget to show it but I worship you. I’ll never make you feel that way again, just stay with me please? No more running?”
How does he do it? Those tears are threatening again; he gave me the reassurances I need so I need to give him his. Can I though? I feel torn in two, between what I want and what I should do. I shock myself as I say, “I won’t run Kye... Unless it’s to you. I promise.”
Our moment is quickly ruined by the door bursting open and Cal screwing up his face as he walks in followed by the other guys. “What is that smell?” He asks.
I blush. “Sick,” I tell him.
He zeroes in on me. “Faith?”
“In the flesh.”
He walks over and bends to give me a hug but pulls back. “You stink.”
Trask slaps him across the head. “Nice Cal, real nice.” He pulls me to him and squeezes me tight. I can feel Kye’s eyes burning into the back of me and hear him choke on his low growl.
“Thank God he found you,” he says as he releases me.
One by one I’m swallowed in
hugs until Kye decides enough is enough and yanks my hand to pull me to his lap.
“What are you doing here?” He asks the men.
“Charlotte sent us, said the fight was off and we can leave or stay for grub,” Cal informs him. “Dunno how you got out of it or managed to please her but she gave us phasers.”
“What?” Kye asks.
“Phasers, no Comms though.”
His kiss was obviously worth every penny.
“I don’t want them,” Kye tells them. “I don’t want her having anything to hold over me. Take them back.”
“She said you’d say something like that. If you want to return them, you need to face her yourself. Her words not mine.”
This woman is persistent. I bet she wants to play tonsil tennis again. So not gonna happen, devious cow. “I’ll take them back,” I volunteer.
“No you will not,” Kye says.
“You really don’t have a say after what just happened. A little one on one, girl time is just what I need.”
“You’re not going!”
“Oh and you think I’m gonna let you go? Round two?”
“What did we miss?” Cal asks excited
“Nothing,” Kye tells him then looking at me says, “There will be no repeat, not now not ever!”
“I don’t care Kye. I want to speak to her, it’s killing two birds with one stone.”
“That’s what I’m worried about. Give me that knife back.”
“No, it was a gift and I like it. What are you gonna do, take my hands from me too?” I’m refusing just because I can. Bickering with him because it’s so easy. He rubs his red cheek and the guilt returns. I cut him some slack. “Don’t worry, I won’t cut her tongue out, I really do just want to talk to her.”
“What the hell did we miss?” Cal asks again. “Did you fall asleep next to her? I warned you,” he tells Kye.
I raise my brows and throw an amused look at Kye before addressing Cal, “Interesting. Want to accompany me on my visit Cal? I’ll fill you in on what you missed. We can trade stories.”
“Faith it’s Cal, since when do you listen to him?” Kye says.
“Hey,” Cal protests.
“Since he piqued my interest. Let’s go Cal.”
I walk out the door, grinning as I hear him being held back from stopping me. Cal falls into stride beside me and we walk in silence. I don’t really want to know what he was on about but Kye doesn’t need to know that. We reach Charlotte’s home and are told to wait by another follower of hers while he checks if she’ll accept us.
“You can go now Cal,” I tell him.
“Aww Faith come on. If I leave you alone and go back empty handed he’ll kill me.”
“Suck it up, Cal.”
“No way. You’re not in charge of me. I like my face and I love having the use of my body. Not happening.”
I roll my eyes at him as the guy returns and ushers us in.
Charlotte is sat at her dining table, at the head of the six seater wooden wonder. She’s clutching a glass of clear liquid. I don’t know if it’s water or alcohol. The guy pulls out seats for us and Cal sits protectively next to me while flashing his trademark grin at her. He puts the phasers on the table and her lip quirks.
“How very predictable of him,” she says. “Nevertheless, they were earned. Keep them. My gift to you,” she tells me.
“I want a gift from you as much as he does.”
“Do not be stubborn. You need them. Shall I tell you why I offer these to you?”
“It doesn’t matter, we don’t accept.”
“You both showed true strength in that room. Clearly you are in love…” She says the word with disdain like it’s dirty, “…But you both put yourselves through that to save the other. If you were weaker you would have attacked me. If he were weaker he would have just refused, but your overall need to see the other safe overrode those feelings. It truly was a pleasure to experience. Not many people impress me and I can understand your reticence to accept my help, if I were you I’d feel the same. But make no mistake, this place is all about testing people, finding the flaws, the weaknesses and getting rid of them. There is a method in my madness. It may seem cruel but the city is cruel and I can’t fight against them with chinks in the armour.”
“Fine, I’ll take them as I have my own battle with the city to win. I still need that information though and I still have some for you, so can we cut the crap about good causes and the justifications of actions and just help each other?”
“We can. You first.”
“Johnson Franks is dead; he was killed a week ago. The city has not been told but an election will be held soon and his successor will be Fraser Laudnam, if I don’t stop it first. They have taken every able bodied man, including the homeless, armed them with guns and are training them each day. They know they’re vulnerable with no leader right now and are doing what they can to increase numbers. If you want your shot at them, do it now because in a week’s time a new President might be in power.”
“And you know this how?”
“It’s too long winded to go into, just know that our goal is the same as yours. We want them stopped by any means. Your turn.”
“You’ve given me a lot to think about, thank you for your candour. The girls you are looking for according to the rumours my scouts heard are still in the city. They have moved to a new lab location. It is true they no longer have chips but this new lab is underground and not in the complex site. That is all I know.”
“Thank you.” It’s not much but it’s a hell of a lot better than I did have which was nothing.
Kye
I’m beyond pissed that she’s taken off to see Charlotte. That woman is vindictive, a master manipulator and a walking contradiction rolled into one. You never know where you are with her, she likes it that way, keeping you on your toes, always second guessing her reactions. Faith can be a hot head and after watching me with my mouth on Charlotte’s she’s likely to do something stupid. The last thing I need is her causing a scene. Speaking of which, I still need to disinfectant myself. Her saliva is probably coated with deception too and I want that shit out of my body. It’s a shame I can’t scrub my mind clean too. Faith hasn’t said much about the pregnancy, not shown any happiness or trepidation but then we haven’t had time alone. Trusting that Cal will look out for her I wander to the market in the hope of finding shelter for tonight, a tent and sleeping bag for two so I can wrap my girl in my arms and talk about us, our future. We have so much to hash out. Her days of sleeping rough are over. She needs comfort, she’s growing a piece of us. What kind of man would I be if I let her sleep in the conditions I’m used to? We have a lot to talk about and some separation from the team will do us good. We need to reconnect and I have some major grovelling to do. I have no idea how I’m meant to purchase these items, though, my Comm is pretty much useless in this time, only good for travelling. I want to do something for my girl, treat her, spoil her. Celebrate the fact I have her back and she and the baby are safe. The vendors are only able to ply their wares with Charlottes permission and she obviously takes a cut. I stroll up to one after spotting something I can’t resist and tell the seller, “It’s on Charlotte.” She doesn’t bat an eye and hands over my purchase with no hesitation. I wonder how many sellers I can pull this on? The team are mulling around as well, testing their charms and trying their luck to get things for free.
After getting everything I’m going to get, some being put in my backpack, others being hand held I make my way to the gates to wait, firstly for the guys but also for Faith. I’m trying not to imagine what’s going down in Charlotte’s home, I could do with Cal and his distractions really. It’s virtually impossible to think or dwell when he’s near.
Trask is the first to make it over to me and we stand together awkwardly. We haven’t been alone and even though I vowed to let it go it’s hard. I’m glad he was there for her when I wasn’t, when I was being a dick. I’m pleased she had someone fightin
g her corner, taking care of her but at the same time he’s admitted he adores her. He’s said he wouldn’t make a move but how am I supposed to act around the guy knowing he’s fallen for her too? I could lord it up, rub it in and make him uneasy around us. I could bask in the fact that she’s chosen me, fuck knows why but she has choices and she’s chosen me. I could be the bigger person and overlook it all but I know when it comes to her I’m pretty juvenile, petty and riddled with jealousy. So how to fix this? How to move forward?
“Do you love her?” I blurt out, surprising him and myself.
We’re not looking at each other, our backs are against the gates and we’re staring into the market. I sense him tense and then he sighs. “I don’t want to. I never planned on it and I hate that I do.”
“Does she know?”
“Probably.” He turns to me. “You have my word Kye I’m not going to pursue her, this is just as awkward for me. You’re my leader, my mate. I never wanted this, I never chose it. It just happened. Maybe it’s a crush? I don’t know but you need me to be honest. I wouldn’t cross that line, she loves you, you don’t need to feel insecure or threatened. I just... I want her to be happy and she is... with you.”
“She confides in you?”
“Yeah, as much as she tells anyone what goes on in that head of hers. I don’t get special treatment Kye. I don’t know her any better than you. I just... I’ve been in that dark place, I could relate. I couldn’t watch her keep spiralling and being alone.”
“I’m... glad she had you. Much as it pains me to say. I was spiralling too and I hate myself for cutting her off. I cringe at the thought of her in so much pain and I left her to it.”