“It’s just, don’t get me wrong, I like your bet. But we are in a kids’ arcade. Jesus, woman. I didn’t think you were so….”
“Frisky? Racy?”
“Bold. Let’s go with bold,” he says, winking.
Inspired by his word choice, I grab his hand and yank him toward the Skee Ball game after we claim some tokens.
We spend the afternoon laughing like two children, racing around the arcade as Steve keeps an awkward eye on us. Inspired by the atmosphere, I forget about all the adult decisions I have to make, my life’s path, and the choice set before me. Instead, I focus on the moment presented by the cheesy arcade games and gorgeous guy to play them with.
By the end of the evening, we are both battling over ticket counts, claiming our prizes—a gorgeous “gemstone” necklace for me, and a cooler for Jesse.
It’s not until we get back to his place, though, that we can settle the real bet.
I claim my prize, going with my new motto of bold, grinning ear to ear as Jesse pays up. I’m right where I belong. This is happiness in its sheerest form.
We drift off to sleep in each other’s arms, and I feel like I’m home.
But in the middle of the night, I wake up. Jesse is sleeping on his side of the bed, me on my back. I stare at the hairline crack in Jesse’s ceiling, thinking about our wonderful night together and wondering if it could really last forever. I love him. I do. I love how he inspires me to have fun, to be in the moment, and to go to an arcade on a random Wednesday to battle over tickets. I love that he makes me want to be adventurous, to be like the ocean breeze and follow every whim. I love the feel of his hands on my body and the knowledge that he’s right beside me, an arm’s length away.
I love everything about Jesse Pearce.
Still, lying here with the alarm clock telling me it’s almost 3:00 a.m., my mind starts to drift away from the warmth of the bed and the feel of his body beside me. I start to think about the future and the past. I think about how not long ago, another man was beside me in a very different bed. I think about how I was certain it would last forever.
I was certain he was sheer happiness once.
That happiness faded. What if this fades, too? What if our relationship, like the summer sun, fades into a colder, more bitter season? What if the love and energy we feel now settles into something less exciting? What if the distance between us in this bed keeps getting vaster?
More than that, I start to think about me and who I am. I think about the woman I was when I came here, and the promises I made. What would the old Avery say about this? What would the Avery from a few months ago say about this? I’ve broken my vow, and for what? Love doesn’t work out. I love him. I trust him. But I’ve been there before. Am I being a fool? Can I really give up the career opportunity of a lifetime for my heart’s desire? Can I basically abandon my family and their legacy to stay here? Then again, can I leave behind the new legacy for myself I’m building to return home to a life I so desperately wanted to get away from? Am I ready to abandon the new, free Avery I’ve uncovered, who paints and has a great group of friends? I don’t know if I can just leave this creative, openhearted Avery here in the sands of Ocean City and go back home, pretending I never lived this life. Then again, I don’t know if I can forever abandon the Avery I used to be and the family that, despite their overbearing tendencies, I love.
What’s the right answer? How do I choose between my family by blood and the family I’ve found here? How do I choose indefinitely between the Avery of the past and the unknown Avery I could be in the future?
The more I stare at the hairline crack, the more I feel like the bliss of a few hours ago is dissipating into the chilly night air. I can’t help but feel like the crack is growing and the doubt is falling right through the ceiling. Things that were clear a few hours ago are murky again.
Most of all, I feel like the man beside me might be slipping away, even if he doesn’t know it yet.
Chapter Twenty-Three
I know I should tell Jesse what’s going on. I should let him in on my parents’ offer, if nothing else, than to just be honest.
But I’m afraid. I’m afraid he’ll see right through my “I’m sure I’m not taking the offer” words. I’m afraid he’ll see my hesitation and go running away. I’m afraid he’ll give up on us before I’ve even left.
I know I can’t keep such a momentous thing to myself. Instead of telling Jesse in the morning, though, I kiss him goodbye at my door, head inside, and decide to do the next best thing.
I tell my group of friends who are really more like family. Luckily, the opportunity presents itself immediately, since Lysander and Reed are having lunch with Jodie when I get back to the apartment.
“Hey, stranger. Want some tomato soup and grilled cheese?” Reed asks from the stove.
I smile. “No thanks.”
“Don’t give us that look. You know you love grilled cheese and tomato soup. Don’t act like you’re too old,” Jodie says, a huge piece of sandwich in her mouth.
“It is sort of the meal of five-year-olds, but I’m not judging,” I say, tossing my hands in the air.
I plop onto a stool at the island beside Lysander, who is also eating.
“So what’s new?” Lysander asks.
I sigh, resting my head in my hands, not sure how much to divulge.
“Oh no. Don’t tell me there’s trouble in paradise with the tattooed hunk,” Reed asks, also taking a seat. Sebastian is meowing at his feet as Henry puts his drooly face in my lap.
“Not exactly.”
“Spill. Come on. We need details,” Reed encourages.
So I lay it all out there. The offer from my parents. The financial aspects of it. My love for Jesse. The sense of freedom I’ve found here. My sense of family loyalty. How much I hate myself for even considering the offer. How guilty I feel for letting my dad down.
How completely and utterly confused I truly am.
“Wow. That’s intense,” Jodie says, shaking her head once I’m finished.
“So what are you leaning toward?” Reed asks.
Emotionally exhausted from telling the tale, I shrug. “I love him. I really do. And I love the life I’ve found here with all of you and with my painting. I’m so happy. But I’m afraid I’ll regret giving this up. I feel like I can’t just let my family legacy die. I trained for this. My dad’s counting on me.”
“But honey, didn’t you give it all up for a reason? Didn’t you come here because you weren’t happy?” Reed says pragmatically.
And he’s right. It makes sense. “Yes. And that’s why I don’t understand why this is so hard for me. I wish I wasn’t thinking about wanting to take up the offer. But I guess it’s just that I worked for this for so long. Not long ago, this would have been exactly what I wanted.”
“But you’re a different person now, in a good way,” Lysander says. “You’ve changed.”
“Yes, but I don’t think that makes it easy to just sever ties with who you were before,” Reed observes. “I’ve been there. I get it. Sometimes, I wonder what could have happened if I had stayed in my career. I’ve thought about how my degree, my experience is sitting there.”
“So you regret coming here?” I ask, a little surprised by his words.
He looks over to Lysander with a grin. “Never. Because even though I did give up some of my old dreams to come here, I also found new ones, ones that have made me happier than I could’ve ever imagined. Life is always about sacrifice, Avery. It’s always a give and take. You just have to be able to be honest about what you’re willing to give up.”
“Yeah, and besides, Jesse is freaking hot. Why isn’t anyone talking about that? Guys like him aren’t just ripe for the picking, trust me,” Jodie adds in typical Jodie fashion.
I grin. “It’s not all about looks, you know.”
She rolls her eyes. “Oh, please. Why don’t you just take Jesse with you? Then you can have money and the hottie.”
“Well, the
re’s a thought,” Lysander says. “Although we can’t give you up.” He reaches to touch my hand across the island.
“Yeah, we would have to go back to knitting without our pet project to work on,” Reed says, and I laugh.
“We’re not kidding,” Jodie says. “Plus, I’d be poor and have to find a rich man to help pay the rent.”
“Gold digger,” Reed says pointedly, and I laugh again.
“I don’t think I could ask Jesse to give up his tattoo parlor. That wouldn’t be fair.”
“Please. The man is crazy about you. He’d move his tattoo parlor to Antarctica for you.”
“I wouldn’t ask him to do that. He couldn’t do that.”
“Wait, you have told him about this, right?” Jodie asks. “You’ve talked to him about your dad’s offer?”
I avert my eyes.
“Are you serious? What the hell is wrong with you?” she says. “You need to tell him. Either way, you should talk to him about it.”
“She’s right,” Lysander says. “Besides, maybe he can help you.”
I know they’re correct. I know I need to stop putting it off.
“I guess I’m just scared it will ruin things.”
Reed walks over to me, putting an arm around my shoulders. “Then maybe you have your answer after all. Maybe it’s not so hard,” he practically whispers, and a rogue tear slides down my face.
“Love you guys,” I say, meaning it. I came here not knowing if I’d even find a single friend in this place. Instead, I found three friends who are becoming more and more like family.
Leaving here wouldn’t just be leaving Jesse. It would be leaving all of this behind, everything good I’ve made for myself.
“Okay, this is turning into a sappy television drama. I can’t take it. Can we please do something fun? Some of us don’t even have a hottie to think about walking away from,” Jodie interrupts.
“Let’s go find Jodie a hottie. What do you say, Avery?”
I wipe the tear away and brush the momentousness of the moment aside, nodding in agreement as I get up to go slip into one of my “going out” shirts.
***
After a wild night where we do, in fact, find Jodie a hottie—who turns out to be gay—I tuck myself into bed, ready to let go of the alcohol haze and the decisions swirling in my head. Before I can even blink, the sun is shining through the window and my phone is buzzing with an incoming call.
“Hello?” my crackling voice says.
“Avery? You sound rough. Are you getting sick?”
I wipe the sleep from my eyes, rolling over to pet Henry as I face a conversation with my mother.
“No, Mom. I’m just tired.”
“It’s eleven in the morning. I’ll tell you, your schedule these days is something.”
I roll my eyes like the insolent teenager I once was, flopping onto my back now to stare at the ceiling. I breathe into the phone, hoping my silence sends the message that I’m not amused by her comments.
“So, I’m just calling to see when you’re coming back.”
“Mom, I don’t know if I am.”
“Really, Avery? You’re not sure yet? What is there to think about?”
“It’s complicated. I’m happy here.”
There’s a pause. I wait patiently for the derision that is sure to fly out of her mouth. I wait for her to chide me about being responsible and making good decisions. I wait to hear her talk to me like the angry teenager she sometimes thinks I still am.
She doesn’t, though. In fact, I’m almost taken aback when her voice is soft and restrained.
“Avery, I love you. And I know sometimes I’m tough on you. This past year has been challenging. You’ve gone through a lot, and I’m sorry for that. I just don’t want to see you pass up this opportunity because you’re scared to come back. I don’t want to see you throw away such a huge career move for something that’s making you happy right now. I know you’re creating a life down there. I see that now. But is it a life that will sustain you forever? Is it something to build a foundation for the future on? Or is it just that it’s different, and after what Chris did to you, you want to claim anything that you can say is your own?”
I bite my cracking, chapped lips, pondering her words, my stomach wrenching either from last night’s booze or the haunting truth resonating in her words.
“I don’t know, Mom.”
“Honey, please just don’t do what you did before. Don’t make this about a man. Make this about you. We miss you. Your family is here, Avery. We’re here for you. Come back where you belong.”
We talk for a few more minutes about trivial things, but the whole time, I’m thinking about Mom’s words.
I think about how not long ago, her words were exactly what I’d promised myself. I think about how those green eyes swept me up and made me turn my back on my promise.
Most of all, I consider that maybe my mom, who drives me batshit crazy at times, may be undoubtedly right about everything.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“You’re quiet,” Jesse says as we stroll along the beach, Henry and Jake in tow, a few days later. The wind is stronger than usual, and the boardwalk is all but empty, only a few haunts favorited by the locals remaining open. Pretty soon, even Midsummer will face the fall and winter lull.
Wrapping my hoodie around me tighter, I shrug. In truth, I have been quiet, mostly because my dad’s offer keeps twirling in my head. At first, I felt like it was obviously a “no.” I was happy. I left Pennsylvania to find something new for myself. I’ve found it. Why the hell would I give it up?
But then I think about all I’ve worked for. I think about the degree sitting in a desk drawer, and about a future of waiting tables and painting. I think about letting Dad down, about letting our family down. Is that what I truly want? Am I going to look back someday and regret this decision?
It’s a momentous decision. Either way I sacrifice. The question is—what do I choose?
The biggest pull for me to stay, for me to give up the family business, is the man walking hand in hand with me now. He won my heart back. He’s made me believe I can love again, even if I’m scared. I don’t know exactly where this thing with him will go, but I’m not ready to let it go.
A part of me thinks moving back to Pittsburgh doesn’t have to mean the end of us. Long-distance relationships are possible, right? The movies make them look possible. Rationally, I tell myself I can have it all. Emotionally, I know it won’t be the same. To go back to Pittsburgh is to say goodbye to Jesse.
When I came here, I told myself I wouldn’t live for a man. I wouldn’t let my feelings for another dictate my choices. Still, it isn’t that cut-and-dried. It isn’t that easy, even if I want it to be. If I were sticking to my promise, I’d say goodbye to whatever this is with Jesse and pursue what would make me the best version of myself.
Then again, is going back to Pittsburgh what would make me the best version? Is being financially stable and successful in the career related to my degree what I actually want? Even if Jesse weren’t in the picture, would this be the answer?
The thing is, Jesse is in the picture. I can’t remove him from the situation, and I don’t want to. Although I came here to find freedom, he’s undoubtedly laid claim to my heart with his eyes, with his lips, with his unwavering support of the new Avery. I love him.
So I say it. “I love you.” It’s a beachside confession, mostly for myself. I need to hear the words aloud, to remember where I’m at in my life, to remember how true they are, no matter how hard I tried to fight it.
“I love you too,” he says, wrapping me into his arms. “Do you think your parents like me?”
It’s a double-edged question, one I’m not sure how to answer. “I think so. But honestly, I’m not sure if they like themselves sometimes. They’re difficult.”
“Yeah, your mom’s definitely not one to hide her feelings.”
“That’s for sure. Or her agenda.”
“What d
o you mean?” He pulls back, looking at me. Henry is barking at Jake a little ways down the beach. The two will roughhouse for a few moments and then simultaneously plop over in the sand. We’ve done this walk enough to know their habits and to know we don’t have to worry about them running away.
“Nothing. It’s nothing,” I say, trying to brush it off and avoid the conversation. I don’t want Jesse worrying I’m considering the offer.
Am I considering it? I don’t even know. I exhale.
“Doesn’t seem like nothing. Just tell me.”
I eye him, wondering if I should give in. I decide, though, there’s no use hiding it. “My dad is retiring. He offered to hand the firm over to me.”
“Wow,” Jesse says, running a hand through his hair, shock on his face. “That’s huge.”
“Yeah. At one point, I would have been ecstatic.”
Jesse hesitates before asking, “And now?”
It’s my turn to pause. I look into his eyes, pleading with me for the truth. “I don’t know. It’s a big deal. It’s our family business.”
“But if you took it, you’d have to move?”
“Yeah. It’s too much to handle from here.”
Jesse exhales softly, still staring at me. “You should take it.”
“What? No. Of course not. I’m happy here.”
“I know. But it’s your family business. How can you give that up? It’s a big thing.”
“I don’t want to leave. I love it here, love everything about being here. I’ve created this new life for myself, a life I love. I’ve found people I love. How can I just leave it all?”
Jesse slumps down to the sand, taking a seat. Jake and Henry, as predicted, are worn out, sleeping on their sides, panting. I slink down beside Jesse, staring at the horizon.
We sit in silence for a while, both mulling over the news and what it means. I think about how much I like the feel of him beside me, of seeing the same view he’s seeing. I think about how I’d give up anything to be with him. I think about how we shouldn’t even be talking about this.
“Jesse, I’m not taking it. I’m staying. I can’t just leave everything behind. I can’t leave you, what we have, behind.”
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