“Shit.” She ran a hand down her thigh. “Shit.”
Evan sat up, touched her arm. “You should have said something.”
“How could I?”
Kirk sighed. “Sarah, if you need our help, we’ll do it. You’ve wanted children of your own your entire life. You’d be a spectacular mother. I never doubted that.”
She spied a resignation on his face, a hiding away of his reservations while he pulled his same old shit. Riding to the rescue on his faithful steed, helping the frail maiden because he couldn’t say no to playing savior. Because he pitied her and felt guilty about her medical condition.
“No.” She pulled from Evan’s grasp. “I won’t have you accept my offer because you feel sorry for me, Kirk. I won’t have a child with a man who can’t forgive me, and you can’t. I can tell. I know you. Too well. I won’t take a handout. I do have some pride.”
“Damn it, Sarah. First you want to mother our child, now you say no. You want forgiveness, but my head’s spinning with your about-faces. What else will you pull on us? How easy will it be for you to change your mind again and walk away?”
“Shut up, Kirk,” Evan growled.
She had to get out of there. Humiliation flooded her body, hot and tight. She stood, fusing her spine, trying to replace that humiliation with anger. “I guess you’ll never know if I would have bolted.” She gritted her teeth and forced out more words. “But it’ll be much safer for both of you to find another woman. No flaky Mistress who might run.”
“Sarah,” Evan said. “Please sit. We’ll talk about it.”
“No, angel.” She purposefully calmed her voice, tried to let him know she wasn’t angry with him. “I have to go. I’m sorry. I’m not leaving you again. I’ll always be there if you need me, but I can’t do this. It won’t work. So let me put a little distance between us.” Between her and Kirk, she meant. “I promise you’ll find what you need.”
“Stay.”
“I love you, Evan.” She grabbed her discarded robe, belted it on. She kept from reaching for him by a mere thread of self-control. “Be happy, sweetie.”
She walked to the door, refusing to turn around. Refusing to look at Kirk as he remained silent, never tried to stop her. Refusing to let the weight of a broken heart drag her to the ground. She’d survive. She always did. It was better this way.
So why did she find herself running out of Unfettered, running to escape the shattered promise of all she ever wanted?
After she left, Evan rounded on Kirk. Kirk sucked in a breath to hide his flinch at the rage on his lover’s face.
“You fucked up big-time,” Evan accused. “I needed her. You needed her. She needed us.”
“You heard me offer. She refused. What else am I supposed to do?”
“How about making her feel wanted? How about thawing that damn frigid attitude of yours enough to forgive her? You guys are so fucking alike it’s scary. Too much alike. It’s probably why I love the both of you, idiot that I am.”
Kirk shook his head, trying to help Evan understand and trying to push away the twisting of his gut. “We’re both Dominants, Ev. It would never work. It didn’t before.”
“Bullshit. Another excuse. If you had the balls to meet the situation head-on you’d make it work. When you came together tonight, concentrating on me, everything gelled. Two damn dancers in a performance and the choreography was off-the-charts perfect. I saw that passion when you made love. That was real. Before you didn’t have a third to balance you. Now you do. And even if you two got frustrated with each other in the future, you’d have me to beat the hell out of when she pissed you off with her Domme attitude. Same for her. A proverbial and literal whipping boy, but one who’d love every minute of it.”
“Her pride is just as much at fault as mine, Evan. Don’t lay this all at my feet.”
Evan blew out, made a cutting motion with his hand. “Dammit, you have to give her a chance to get beyond it by taking the first step.”
“It’s not that easy,” he denied. His mind and heart spun out of control. Was he doing the right thing? Or just protecting himself?
“You’ve grown beyond this, Kirk. You do vulnerability now. I’m here to testify to that fact because I wouldn’t be marrying you otherwise. And you need to ask yourself, what would you have done in her situation twelve years ago? Taken help when it went against all you were programmed to do or run back to Illinois to prove yourself? I love you, man, but twelve years ago you would have run, with that metal rod up your ass and the attitude that you had to prove your worth with no help. Run with the belief taking help made you weak or whatever justification you could find. And on top of that shit, Sarah didn’t have a lot of good choices. Her mom, her siblings, her entire family was at stake, and she was just selfless enough not to want to pull us into her mess.”
The roiling in his gut grew unbearable, almost to the point of pain. “I was her family too.” The silent scream of his need echoed in his head.
Evan became preternaturally still. His voice dropped and he delivered a piercing stare that made Kirk want to squirm. “Families forgive one another, Kirk. Forgive Sarah. Help us get what we both want. What all three of us want.”
Memory spiraled again.
Sarah’s laughing, smiling face from years ago. Her tender care of the kids she virtually reared herself, her sharp mind tossing over a problem with him. Her core of strength tempered with generosity and caring. The look on her face after their first kiss. Hope, excitement, launching their lives in Cambridge.
Sarah with Evan tonight. Loving touches, loving voice, taking good care of the man they both valued. Giving her entire soul as she whipped out soft demands. Fiery excitement in her gaze as he dropped down on the dildo, as he went under the clamps. Familiar to Kirk because it was what he felt too.
And Sarah making love to him. No hesitation although it hadn’t been their plan. Giving all of herself without any promises. Her gold-green eyes when she slid down on him, breasts jouncing. Attention exquisite, welcoming him deep into her, the squeeze of her channel, tight heat, slick pressure. The dual sweet torture of his heart and cock. Fast, furious, freeing. Exploding together.
Coming home. She was as much his home as Evan.
Kirk shook out of memory. He ran his palms down sweaty thighs, inhaled a shaky breath.
It was time. Time to grow up.
Chapter Five
He found her at a small patch of green to the side of the multi-family home off one of the many side streets of Cambridge. She was tending the garden, what little of one existed. Pulling up weeds, one cheek streaked with dirt as she pushed away a strand of chestnut hair that had fallen into her eyes.
Kirk allowed himself to simply watch for a long minute—the shift of her hip as she changed position, the long length of arm reaching to the next spot, the rounded firmness of her ass underneath the fabric of her shorts. And the frown marring her brow when a recalcitrant dandelion gave her trouble. He could hear a soft, terse swear fall from her lips as she tugged again. The sun smiled bright in the clear blue sky, heat wrapping the city in one of the rare days of Indian summer in New England.
He had indulged long enough.
Kirk walked the distance to her and she turned. He hated the flash of hurt that followed the quick widening of her eyes.
Sarah rose, shoulders tensed, hand trowel squeezed in her grip. “What are you doing here? I never gave you my address.”
“I know your name, Sarah. I assumed you were renting in Cambridge. The web. Hell, directory assistance as long as you didn’t make your number private.”
“Fine. So why?” She paused and he watched her thoughts click behind her eyes, a prick of panic grow. “Evan. He’s okay? Did something happen?”
“He’s fine. He knows I’m here. It killed him to remain behind, but he knew I needed to do this, me and you.”
“I don’t think there’s any more we need to do, Kirk. We covered it all nicely last weekend.”
“I bro
ught something to show you.”
“I have the latest medical information on my condition, thank you. I’ve done the research.”
He blinked, astounded how close to the mark she was after all these years. He’d spent the last few days surfing the internet for information to help her. He had printed out a few things to show her. Thing was, it wasn’t simply for her any longer.
Her foot tapped at his hesitation. “Tell me that’s not what you brought.”
“That’s not what I brought. Though I admit I thought about it.”
“Then what?”
He held up his web phone. “A video. Evan made it last year.”
“Home videos?” Her eyebrows rose.
“Ev’s idea.”
He scrolled through the phone, found the file and hit the button. “Here.” He held it out to her.
After a moment, she took it.
He stepped closer to watch by her side.
“You were in the hospital?” she said, surprise in her voice.
“Appendicitis. Emergency surgery. It screwed up my entire fall last year.”
She returned her attention to the screen.
It showed a wavering picture of him in the hospital room. Evan behind the phone, taking video while Kirk gave him the finger. There he was, in the bed, in one of those Christ-awful exposing gowns. His memory melded with the picture on the screen. Stuck in Mt. Auburn Hospital for seven fucking days. He heard Evan’s laugh in the background at Kirk’s swearing. The camera built into the phone swung to a bedpan, back up to his abandoned tray from lunch, which had consisted of Jell-O and broth.
The video ended, started up again as he was struggling out of the bed to walk to the bathroom. Evan had held the phone out with one hand to catch the action as he went to Kirk’s side and helped him to stand, helped him do an old man shuffle to the toilet. The picture switched again. It was late at night. Kirk slept. Evan caught video of him with eyes closed, exhaustion on his haggard face. He’d looked like shit.
Weeks after release Evan still insisted on doing the heavy lifting, forbade Kirk from going out on the wilderness bookings for the fall and early winter. The longest months of his life with his harridan of a lover forcing him to go slow. It had only been appendicitis.
The video ended with a last shot of Evan picking up Kirk in his arms from the hospital bed, lowering him into the wheelchair on release day, a shit-eating grin on Evan’s face. Oh yeah, when Kirk had regained his strength Ev got a special treat for that one.
But one more image flickered on the screen. Kirk hadn’t been expecting it. Ev must have cut off the file the times he’d played it for Kirk. The shot was a pan of flowers in a vase. A wildflower bouquet Kirk had delivered to Evan when his convalescence finally ended. To show how damn much it had meant to him, to both have Evan there to help and to have discovered the true gift learning to let him care had been to Kirk.
The picture ended.
He was hyperaware of Sarah’s heat at his side. Kirk cleared his throat. “I hated every minute of that recovery.” He pocketed the phone. “He had to help me to the fucking bathroom, for Christ’s sake. But at the end, I saw how happy it made him to see me heal right. I healed faster and stronger because of it. Although he complains I fucked him with extra force and striped his ass and shoulders more than usual for months after. But he signed on for a Master. He needs it. And I needed it as much as the TLC. By the way that stands for Tender Loving Crap.”
Sarah showed her nervous tell, rubbing her thumb on the inside of her other wrist. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I’ve changed. I accept help. I take what others have to give, others who love me, with some grace. I’m never sweet about it, but that’s my grumbly charm Evan would say. And I thought that meant I’d grown up, but I’ve been a hard-ass these last days and Evan has done me the dubious favor of pointing out my maturity level is in question again. That there’s more for me to learn.”
Sarah shifted in place, listening.
“So now I’m faced with a woman who has love, tenderness and strength to give both me and the man I love. A woman willing to give the greatest gift of life to us. But it means looking beyond my hurt to what’s most important. I had to ask myself a couple hard questions these last days. Was I adult enough to accept her gift? To trust her even when the climb to the peak has been full of rockslides and unexpected sheers?”
“Were you?” Sarah asked with a quiet exhalation.
“Go down on your knees. Ask my forgiveness for leaving again. I’m taking a do over.”
The anger stirred in her face. “Don’t be an asshole.”
“Don’t worry, Mistress. I won’t tell the other girls in leather. The Domina sisterhood will never find out. Trust me, Sarah. Please.”
She mumbled unattractive words, hesitated but finally kneeled back to the ground.
“Ask me again,” he repeated.
She lowered her eyes to the grass. “I feel stupid, but fine.” Her eyes shot up to him standing above her. “Will you forgive me? For leaving? For not calling? For not taking your help those years ago when you offered it out of love?”
Kirk dropped to his knees, eye level with her again, and grabbed both her hands as she blinked. “I will. If you accept my apology for being that asshole both at Harvard those last years and since you showed up these past days.” Small stones dug into his knees through the fabric of his pants. He found it appropriate that his gesture came with some discomfort. “I’m an idiot. I still love you, Sarah. I do understand the decision you made. Even back then you were trying to protect both Evan and me while your own life was falling apart.”
He saw doubt in her eyes, the injury to her trust of him. And it pricked.
“You don’t believe me. I’m telling you this because I’m charged with bringing you back. Orders from Evan.”
Her lips twisted. “I’m a mission. How lovely.”
“Look, dear, I showed you pictures of my bare ass hanging out in that hospital not for jollies. Accept my apology, come back to us. We’ll have a passel of brats to make Evan ecstatic. But even if we never have kids and it’s too late, we want you in our lives.”
“Fuck, Kirk.”
“Yes, I think it would involve that. But you have two shooters to maximize the chance of conception.”
“I’m not a charity case.”
Christ, the woman was stubborn. He let go of her hands, dug into his other pocket to retrieve a slim chain link leash with an alligator clasp at its end. He handed it to her.
She took the chain.
“This offer is not charity,” he said. “I want you. I love you. And I trust you.” She remained silent. “You need more to believe me.”
He began to unbutton and unzip his jeans. Lowered them to his thighs. He’d left off the underwear for ease of movement in case it came to this.
Her voice rose. “What are you doing? We’re outside! In daylight. You’ll get arrested.”
He glanced at his bared cock, the base wrapped in a leather cock and ball harness. He grabbed the chain from her slack hand and clipped it to the O-ring on the harness, handing her back the leash. “I’m declaring myself your baby-making slave. I will submit to prodigious sex anytime. And on top of that, I offer you a chance to lash me for my previous misbehavior. Ten good strikes, tool of your choice.”
“I don’t need you to submit to me, Kirk.”
“On the contrary, I think you do. At least once and in limited circumstances. But in turn, you let Evan and me try our best to knock you up. To take care of you, coddle you, micromanage all the fertility issues—appointments, diet and exercise. To generally behave as pain-in-the-ass bossy guys who want to take care of you. A baby will happen if it’s meant to happen. You’re kick ass at caring for others. You suck at taking the same for yourself, just like me. But if I can learn, so can you.”
Her eyes narrowed and she shot him a look of amused speculation. “I do think that ass of yours might look good with lovely red cr
isscrossed welts, an X pattern, I think. With a matching set on your shoulders and back. I could parade you naked at Unfettered to show off my pretty work. I’d be the envy of the club.”
“That was not part of the contract I offered.”
She laughed and the relaxed smile looked great on her. “Too bad.”
“Well? Will you?” he asked.
The smile disappeared. Replaced with a brittle, tight line. “You hurt me, Kirk.”
“I hurt you. You hurt me. That’s what we do in D/s for the good, and as human beings who love each other and struggle not to fuck it up too badly. But then we acknowledge it and apologize and do better.”
“Can we do better?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
The unrelenting sunshine shone down, determined to bring hope despite his shaky future wrapped up in her decisions.
“I’m scared,” she said.
“We’re all scared. We’re supposed to be.”
They shared the quiet between them for long seconds. And finally her face shifted, relaxed. She nodded.
Kirk started to breathe again.
Sarah grinned. She glanced down at his naked groin, reached for his cock and teased the head as she unclipped the leash from the harness. His shaft jerked farther toward his belly, having spent the last few days half hard with Sarah all he could think about.
“Pull up your pants. Pack it away. I want to take this puppy home and try it out in a comfortable bed.”
He chuckled. “If memory serves, you already tried it out. It fit well.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t try it knowing you were my baby-making love slave. That adds a whole new dimension.”
He glanced down again at his cock. “Although I like to strive for improvement, I suspect the dimensions will be the same.” He loved the easy teasing between them. He’d missed it. Badly.
“Well,” she drawled, “at the very least I want Evan to see you tricked-out.”
Kirk pulled up his pants and zipped them closed. “You kidding me? He already had me model the getup. Who do you think the cock harness and leash belong to?”
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