Anything except for him… “What about you, Curtis? Will you go back to sea when it’s all over?”
“I am a sailor, Cadence. After we solve your father’s murder, I’ll go back to sea, yes.”
The sound of her heart breaking must have been audible to his ears. How could he not have heard it when she could feel it so acutely?
And still she wanted to say yes. With every fiber of her heart, being, and soul she wanted to accept, but not for the reasons he was asking. He did not want her hand for reasons of undying love or desire, but because he felt an obligation.
Would she forever be his obligation?
She’d been an obligation to her family for years. Obligations bred nothing but bitterness and contempt. And she was certain Curtis held enough bitterness to tide him for a lifetime or three. He was attracted to her, yes, but it would never be enough. Without love, attraction would ebb and in the end she would be alone.
Could he ever come to love her?
Moreover, could she bear the life of a sailor’s wife? Alone for months on end, always worrying. Even if Curtis did come to love her would that lonely life ever be bearable?
* * *
“Cadence?”
She remained silent for so long the leg he knelt on tingled, falling asleep. Pensive little wrinkles marred the smooth skin around her eyes, pulling her brows together, and he knew she was going to refuse him. He couldn’t take it. He didn’t know why, exactly, but he absolutely could not stand the thought of no passing her lips.
“Very well then, I’ll make this decision easy,” he said abruptly. “I’m giving you no choice. If you refuse me I’ll drag you to the nearest parson, tell him I’ve debauched you and that you’re with child.” Her jaw flopped open. “Then you’ll have no choice but to marry me.”
Instantly her mouth snapped closed. “You wouldn’t!”
“I would.”
“Yes, you would,” she murmured, and a little smile toyed at the corner of her mouth. “Alright,” she sighed, “I will marry you.”
“We’d better hurry.” He forced to smile. “I know a parson who can marry us tonight.”
“You want to get married tonight?”
This time his smile was genuine. “I don’t see any reason to wait.”
* * *
An hour and a half later Curtis tucked the marriage documents securely into the safe in his cabin. He turned to his bride just as she pulled the tweed cap masking her identity from her head and tossed it onto a nearby chair. For return to the ship she’d donned her cabin boy’s garb to avoid questions. A jumble of curls unfurled from their loose pile, tumbling down to kiss her cheeks. Unable to resist he brushed a silken strand, rendered silvery by moonlight, from her face. Despite having done the right thing, he still felt guilty, because the moment he’d touched her lips to seal their vows he’d felt her emptiness. She deserved so much more than what he could give her, more than the loneliness of a sailor’s wife, more than to be the wife of a murderer.
Cadence turned from his touch, her lovely visage suspiciously sad.
“Cadence.” Her husband reached to touch her intimately, stroking his fingers along her throat to the first button of her cabin boy’s shirt, and while it was heaven, she knew her life from here on would also contain an acrid tinge of hell. “Tell me what’s wrong,” he urged.
“You know perfectly well what is wrong,” she snapped, wiping at the tears in her eyes. “What’s wrong is that this entire situation is a farce.” Tears tumbled over her lashes. “I’m nothing more to you than an obligation, a momentary lapse in your judgment. What’s wrong is you don’t love me!”
Love?
He took a step back, near panic.
Not love. Anything but love. Love was a responsibility he wanted absolutely nothing to do with because he’d never been good with that sort of commitment. He always managed to fail those he loved. His father, his brothers, Billy Cole… If he’d ever known what love was, he didn’t know anymore. As a child, trouble had been the name of his game, and later in life he’d been overly adept at soldering and war, and outsmarting the damn Yankees to smuggle supplies to the South, but an absolute failure in matters of the heart. He wouldn’t be good at loving her. Surely he could manage to be a good husband for a few days at a time between voyages, but that was all.
A small sob escaped her lips. “Why did you make me do this?”
Her words snapped him back to reality.
“We’re just going to be miserable like my parents, and my sister and her husband.”
Now he really felt like a bastard. Could he get nothing right? He hadn’t set out to make her life miserable, and somehow he’d done it anyway.
“I never wanted a marriage in name only. I would sooner die an old maid!”
“Oh, Cadence,” he murmured, “no.” Abruptly he stepped forward, sitting on the desk in front of her. “A marriage in name only was never my intention.” His hands squeezed her upper arms affectionately.
“It wasn’t?”
“No, and I think we’ll be anything but miserable together.” As soon as he said the words a measure of the heavenly glow he so craved seeped back into her eyes. Gazing into the stormy hue Curtis knew the sudden impulse to tell her how she healed the broken pieces of his heart. But… he couldn’t, because he was going to burn someday. The only heaven he would ever know was in her smile. He could not allow her to know that. He didn’t want her to know because selfishly, he didn’t want to extinguish the adoring light brimming in her eyes. “I want nothing more than to make you happy.”
“But you never would have married me if you didn’t think you needed to protect me.”
“Cadence,” he sighed, dropping his hands from her arms, “that is true for the most part, but you have to understand that I didn’t think I’d ever get married.”
“Why is that?”
Curtis sighed. “Because—” Because, what? He didn’t deserve a wife and family? “Before you I was perfectly content to lose myself at sea.”
“This is worse than I thought,” she groaned, crossing her arms and turning away from him. “I’ve snared a professional bachelor.” She looked devastated again. “You’re right, you know.”
“Right about what?”
“We’ll be anything but miserable together because you won’t be around.”
Curtis cursed under his breath and sliced a hand through the air. “Forget everything I’ve said. Let me start over.” He knelt in front of her for the second time that night, sandwiching both her hands between his. “All you need to know is I would not have married you if I didn’t want to.”
Her wide eyes roamed over his face as though assessing the truth of his words. “You’re lying,” she spoke with soft conviction. “You married me because you’re a gentleman.”
“I know a score of people who would beg to differ with that statement, yourself included.” The feeble attempt at humor was not lost on her and a small smile quirked her lips. “But you’re wrong,” he continued. And she was. Oh, how wrong she was. Because deep down, broken as he was inside, he wanted that perfect dream of what life with her could be. Even if he only lived the dream a short while at a time.
“No, you wouldn’t have married me if we hadn’t—” she blushed red hot and tilted her head from side to side, “—you know.”
He couldn’t help but grin at her embarrassment. She looked oh so sweetly innocent again. “For the record,” he stood, sliding his hands along her hips, “I have every intention of doing you know again.”
Her eyes widened to an impossible degree, and indecision was writ plain as day on her face.
“Come here.” Gently he pulled her into his arms and held her quietly for a long moment. “I’m sorry. Whatever happens, please know that I care for you.”
At his words she turned her face into his chest and squeezed his forearms affectionately.
“Ouch!” he flinched away from her hands.
“Oh,” she gasped. “Your stitches, I
forgot all about them. I’m sorry. Should I take a look at your arm?”
He flexed his left hand before placing it back on her waist. “No need, I’ve had worse.” Again he folded her into his embrace, simply holding her.
She wrapped her arms about his waist giving him a gentle squeeze. “Thank you.” After a long while she began to toy with the buttons of his shirt. “Curtis, what are we going to do about my father’s murder?”
His sigh was heavy. “I don’t know, Cadence, but for the moment, try not to worry about it. We will take care of all that in good time.” Curtis knew well the cruel bite of life’s injustice. Setting a gentle kiss upon her brow he said, “For the next two days I want you to enjoy London.” Leaning back he gazed affectionately into her eyes. “Tomorrow I plan to take you on a personal tour of the city and we are going to have fun.” He laughed then. “Fun,” the word sounded foreign to his tongue. “I can’t remember the last time I did anything for the simple fun of it. Will you show me how to have fun again?”
“I would love to see Buckingham Palace,” she replied, a hint of playful humor returning to her voice.
A small smile lit her face and his heart nearly melted. His return grin faded as he realized just how close he was to the precipice of falling hopelessly in love with her. Try though he might, he couldn’t quite pull himself away from the emotion. “Then Buckingham Palace will be our first stop. Are you ready for bed?” The day’s events were beginning to take their toll on him and a sudden bout of weariness washed over him.
“Together?”
“We are married,” he flashed a grin just devilish enough to make her insides quiver. “But we can wait for that until you’re feeling more ready. Alright?”
She gave a jerking nod in reply.
Curtis doffed his clothes and slid beneath the thick quilt upon his bed. Tomorrow he’d take a room for them at one of the better London hotels, Cadence would like that, but moreover it would prevent the crew from asking too many questions. He opened his eyes to voice a question but found the words slipping from his grasp. In the absence of a night dress Cadence had donned one of his shirts and it hung loosely about her slender frame, drifting to a stop just above her knees. Her hair, curling atop her shoulders, glowed gold in the soft light of the lamp, her eyes were wide violet prisms, and her skin shone like ivory from the gentle curve of her legs to the delicate features of her face. In a swift moment, his exhaustion fled, and his every sense seemed perfectly attuned to her. Their gazes locked and again he knew the sensation of drowning in the swirling pools of her eyes.
* * *
Cadence stood at the edge of the rest of her life. When Curtis watched her that way she knew the pride of being desired as a woman. She remembered what it had been to be locked in the heat of passion with him, to be the one reason for his pleasure, and suddenly she wanted that again. He may not love her, but he wanted her; of that she was absolutely certainty.
Cadence did not know what to make of her racing emotions. She loved him, no doubt about that, and it seemed silly to hold herself from him, but for reasons she could not completely understand she felt… betrayed. It was something in his eyes. And for all his saying he wanted more than a marriage in name she feared wanting more than he offered. She wanted the whole dream. She yearned for his arms to hold her, his eyes to worship her, and to give it all back tenfold. What she did not want was to be crushed when he left.
Standing in the middle of the cabin she may well have been bereft of clothing for all that she could feel his smoldering gaze drinking her in, and when he pulled the quilt back she took that first step toward him. As she lay back the soft mattress seemed to welcome her and she made no move to stop him as he rolled to lie across the top of her. “Curtis,” she murmured breathlessly, “make to love me.”
“Oh, Cadence,” he groaned, gently running a hand up the curve of her leg. His gaze fell to the full ripe flesh of her lips, “I—”
Whatever words had been about to cross his lips she would never know because his gaze washed over her in a long, physical stroke of his eyes and he leaned close to claim her lips in a touch as soft as it was tender. For the briefest of instants she could almost believe he loved her.
Fourteen
Cadence woke the next morning relishing the gentle lap of the waves and the sated sensation that came with being well loved. The sensation was short lived, however, as she came fully awake to realize she was alone.
Alone?
Every worst case scenario of Curtis regretting his decision to marry her ran through her mind and she was near the brink of panic when the cabin door opened, admitting her smiling husband. What was wrong with her? She’d become so emotional with all that had occurred in last few days, she hardly recognized herself.
“Good morning, sleepy head.” He planted a quick kiss upon her lips and flopped half reclining onto the bed beside her.
“What time is it?” A bit apprehensively she pulled the quilt over her body. She was not yet entirely comfortable being naked in front of him, though if last night was any indication it may not take long for her to become so. The thought brought a light flush to her cheeks.
“Eleven-thirty,” he grinned, trying to steal a peek down the front of the quilt.
“Eleven-thirty! I had no idea it was so late. I’m sorry.”
“No need to apologize. After yesterday I figured you needed the extra sleep and besides that, when you’re sleeping—” the grin stretched further across his handsome features, “—you look like an angel. My grandmother always taught us to be wary of crossing angels.”
“Oh, Curtis, I’m anything but an angel.”
“I would beg to differ.” He winked and stole a glance toward her less than concealed backside.
“Curtis!”
“Is there a problem, my dear?” he tilted his head, looking anything but sheepish. “We are married. And just because you’re an angel doesn’t mean I have to be.” Rolling off the bed he stood and crossed the cabin, keeping his back to her, affording her the opportunity to dress without the discomfort of his eyes.
“Where did you go this morning?”
“Town,” he answered elusively.
“Yes, but what did you do in town?” Quickly she wiggled into the worn but serviceable pink gown. Though she could have managed on her own, she crossed the room and presented him with her back, indicating for him to do up the laces which he did with comfortable ease. She smiled. These were the sort of perfect little moments missing from her life. Just the thought of spending every morning like this… She stopped the thought short. Best not to dream of what would never be.
“You are in need of a proper ring,” Curtis replied. “This morning I went to purchase one. I hope you like it,” he said a touch diffidently, pulling a small black box from his pocket. Lifting the lid he presented it to her.
She turned to him, mouth agape, huge eyes staring in utter disbelief. She pressed a hand to her chest, struck entirely speechless. For a man who took very little care in his own appearance Curtis had impeccable taste. The ring was without doubt the most magnificent piece she’d ever laid eyes on. An emerald cut diamond of no menial size sat in a high setting atop an intricate gold band. The ring was elegant and just looking at it she felt... like a queen. Unbidden tears welled in her eyes and she averted her gaze to hide them from her husband.
“Cadence, don’t cry.” He snapped the box shut. “If you don’t like it we’ll get another one, we’ll get another one today.”
She shook her head, fighting the onslaught of tears threatening to topple over her lids. “No, Curtis, it’s beautiful, I love it.” A watery smile lit her face.
“Then why are you crying?”
“I can’t remember the last time anyone bought me a present.”
“Oh, Cadence,” he murmured, eyes soft upon her. He stepped forward, pressing his lips to her brow. “You will never want for gifts from me.” Pulling the ring from the box he held it out. “May I?”
She nodded, u
nable to still the erratic flutter of her pulse as he slid the ornate piece onto her finger.
“What do you think?”
“Thank you,” she breathed. “I didn’t expect a ring, at least nothing more than a plain band.”
“Why ever not?”
“We didn’t exactly get married under traditional circumstances.”
“However it came to be, you are my wife, and I’m going to make sure every other man who looks at you knows it. Now,” he lifted a heavy shawl from a hook beside the door, “if you’re ready I thought I could take you to breakfast and then get started on the tour of London I promised.”
“That sounds wonderful.” She flashed him a brilliant smile. “And I believe I’m supposed to remind you of how to have fun.”
As she slipped her hand within his Curtis smiled. “I already am… my angel.”
* * *
The day was bright and sunny as the couple traveled through the city in a hired conveyance. Knowing Cadence had never traveled abroad, Curtis was making a valiant effort to show her a good time, though she couldn’t help but laugh whenever he grumbled about the damn crowds, which was often.
The carriage rattled to a halt on a cobbled street and Curtis lifted the curtain. “Ah, here we are.” He nearly flattened a footman sweeping the door of the carriage open. “Excuse me.” he raised a hand to the irritated footman, before turning to Cadence. “I always forget there are footmen on these hired carriages when I’m in England.”
Biting back a laugh she asked, “Where are we? I thought we were going to drive past Buckingham Palace and the tower of London.
“We will but first you are in need of a few things like some new clothes,” he swung an arm down the street to the dressmaker’s salon.
“Oh, Curtis, I couldn’t ask you to—” a wave of the hand cut her off mid- protestation.
“You are my wife. What is mine is yours, and that makes you a very wealthy woman.” He winked at her. “Besides, that,” he motioned to her worn gown, “is the only thing you have to wear unless you want to dress as a cabin boy again.”
Cadence (Langston Brothers Series) Page 12