‘I think we should leave it to the professionals. They have a protocol for things like this. They have a drill. They know what to do. Besides, Doris said to wait here.’
I paced the room. ‘Well I can’t. I can’t just sit here and do nothing. I’m going.’
John shook his head sadly. ‘There’s nothing you can do.’
‘Maybe. But I can’t do nothing either.’
I made my way to the back of the ship, to the promenade deck, where I had a good view of the ship’s wake. It stretched out behind us, a white carpet of bubbles on the ocean. There was nothing else as far as the eye could see. A huge, blank, nothing. If I felt this small and insignificant on my towering ship, how must Mum have felt in the ocean, watching the ship sail away from her? A huge sob rose up inside my chest and I turned and marched back inside the ship.
I went straight to the Guest Relations desk and asked for Doris. ‘Please tell her it’s Alexandra Scrivener, about her mother, Audrey Templeton.’ The woman looked blank.
‘Was this about the upgrade?’
I snorted in exasperation. ‘No! The missing passenger. The one you’re currently searching for?’
Blustering an apology, the woman said a few words on a walkie-talkie and, before I had a chance even to sit down, Doris appeared, slightly out of breath.
‘Mrs Scrivener. I’m afraid there’s no news yet.’
‘Did you speak to Stavros?’
‘Yes. Yes, I’ve just been with him. He remembers her leaving the White Night party at about 2 a.m. He says he had no concerns about her safety going back to her cabin.’
‘Was she drunk?’
‘No. He says she was drinking only water.’
‘Oh. Oh, well …’ I couldn’t decide if this was good or bad news. ‘Anyway, look. I had another idea.’
Doris used her eyebrows to get me to elaborate.
‘You must have CCTV?’ I said. ‘Can we go through the footage? See if we can see anything?’
‘All in good time.’ Doris spoke in a reassuring voice. I wondered if they taught it to her on her hospitality course: the ‘dealing with unpleasant situations and difficult guests’ module. ‘Please understand that we’re doing everything that we can. We have a procedure to follow and we are following it.’
‘But I could help you. I could scan through the CCTV footage. I know what she looks like from every angle. She’s my mother. I’d be faster than anyone else. Just put me in the room with the TVs and I’ll do it. I know where to look. I know where she was, where her cabin was, what her favourite places were.’ I paused. ‘I need to help.’
Doris put her hand on my arm. ‘We have it under control.’
I turned away from Doris, struggling not to cry. ‘I just feel so useless.’
‘Come.’ Doris took my arm, steered me into a nearby chair and pulled one up next to it for herself. ‘I know this is a very difficult time for you. But please don’t give up hope. We are doing everything we can. Captain Stiegman is monitoring the situation closely. As soon as the search is complete, he will make the decision about turning the ship.’
‘It’s barbaric. I can’t believe he wouldn’t even consider not going back to look. The oceans are full of rubbish! What if she found something to cling onto and she’s waiting to be rescued? And what? I’m supposed to sit here, on this ship, eating, drinking and making merry as we sail back to Venice leaving my mother to drown? Lost at sea? Just like that?’
But, even as I said it, an idea struck me. ‘That’s it! I could go back in a lifeboat! Why don’t you ask the captain if he can deploy a lifeboat and I’ll go with a crew member? If he won’t turn the ship around, that’s what we have to do! It makes perfect sense. You have those motorised ones, don’t you? It’ll be so much faster, too.’
Doris gave me a polite smile. ‘It’s Captain’s decision,’ she said.
‘But you’ll tell him, won’t you? About my idea? If he won’t turn the ship back?’
‘Mrs Scrivener, Captain Stiegman is an experienced seaman. He will consider all options and choose the course of action he feels to be best.’
‘Oh God, you sound like a parrot! “Captain Stiegman this, Captain Stiegman that. All hail Captain Stiegman!”’ I parodied Doris’s voice, surprising myself with the viciousness of my tone. Doris looked at the floor, taking my tirade in silence.
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘I just wish I’d realised sooner. I wish we hadn’t kept thinking everything was okay. I should have trusted my instincts.’ Tears sprang to my eyes and I swiped at them. ‘What can I do? I can’t sit about waiting. I need to be doing something. I just want to find her!’
‘The best thing you can do is go back to your cabin and wait. If we have news, we’ll be able to contact you fastest if we know where you are.’ Doris stood up, pulled the hem of her skirt towards her knees. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I will try to see how the search is progressing. See if there’s any news for you. Try to stay positive.’
17 July 2013, 5.30 p.m.
My brother’s door was on the latch so I let myself into his room, where I could see he was outside leaning on the balcony railings with a glass in his hand. The bottle of gin, now half empty, stood on his dresser, the smell of it pricking the air. I slid open the glass door and stepped out onto the balcony.
‘Have they found her yet?’
‘Yes! Here she is … ta da!’ I motioned to the space behind me. ‘It was all a misunderstanding. She got locked in her bathroom … What do you think?’
‘Keep your hair on.’ John turned back towards the sea and stared across the ocean. He waved his arm loosely at the expanse. ‘It’s so big.’
‘That’s precisely my point.’ I hissed, aware of voices on the adjacent balcony. ‘She could be anywhere. How’s she going to survive out there?’
‘Well, she’s not going to, is she?’ John’s voice was flat. ‘Just got to face it. We’re orphans.’
I wanted to smack him. ‘How can you say that? How can you give up on her? The ship hasn’t even turned yet. The lifeboats haven’t even been deployed!’
‘They’re going to send down the lifeboats? I’d love to see that.’
‘Maybe get some photos? John! What’s wrong with you? It’s not a spectator sport. This is our mother’s life we’re talking about!’ My voice rose.
John shrugged.
‘Anyway,’ I said. ‘They might not even bother sending a lifeboat back. As I’ve been told a hundred times, it’s the captain’s decision. But obviously a lot depends on when she went over. If she went over.’
‘Of course she went over. Where else is she?’
I sighed, my body crumpling from the inside out as I let the railing take my full weight. My head sagged down.
‘It could have been up to forty hours ago.’
I heard John take a swig of his drink. ‘In which case … as I said: orphans.’
I turned my head sideways to look at him. ‘How can you say that? How can you be so calm?’
‘I’ve learned in life that there are some things you can’t change, Lex.’ John flung his arm towards the ocean, the sky, and I realised he was drunk. ‘This is what it is. Whatever’s happened has happened. I’ll miss her as much as you will, but no amount of worrying’s gonna change whatever’s happened.’ He looked at me and blinked slowly, his eyes taking a second to focus. ‘Lex, you’re gonna drive yourself crazy worrying like this and it’s not gonna bring her back.’ He raised his glass. ‘I’m saying my goodbyes, that’s what I’m doing. Cheers, Mum.’ He took a swig of his drink.
Tears pricked at my eyes and I blinked hard to try and stop them from coming.
‘She loved gin.’
‘I know.’
We lapsed into silence. I looked towards the back of the ship, staring again at the wake that carved across the endless ocean. Then, far below us, a movement caught my eye and I peered over the railing: there was a flurry of activity around one of the lifeboats.
‘Look! Look at the lifeboats! Somet
hing’s happening there. Maybe they are deploying one.’
John peered over the balcony ‘Yep. Looks like something’s happening.’
‘I’m going! I’m going to try and get on one.’
John turned to face me. ‘Lex. Don’t get excited. The captain’s going through the motions. Covering himself legally. Don’t get your hopes up. We’re not gonna find her.’
‘There might still be a chance.’
‘She’s been gone too long,’ John closed his eyes and shook his head slowly. ‘She couldn’t have survived all this time. Chances are she hit her head on the way down and never knew what happened. She could already have been dead for nearly two days. To be honest, I think he’s making a mistake to even go this far.’
I looked at him in disbelief. ‘What?’
‘Chances of us finding her? Very slim. It’s almost cruel to get your hopes up.’
‘Even when her life hangs in the balance?’
John leaned back against the railings and spoke slowly. ‘Lex, her life ain’t hanging in the balance. She’s gone. The sooner you accept it, the better. Maybe they’ll eventually recover a body. Probably they won’t. You might be better off checking the lifeboats for signs that she hit one on the way down.’
I gasped, my hand clamped over my mouth as I looked down at the lifeboats.
‘Just accept it, Lex,’ John said. ‘Mum believed in fate. Maybe this was her fate. We can’t fight it.’
‘Well I’m going to try. I’m going to find Doris. She seems to care about our mother more than you do!’ I ripped open the balcony door and stormed through John’s room, slamming the cabin door after me. The fact that it was still on the latch and bounced impotently instead of giving the shattering crash that I needed served only to fuel my anger further.
17 July 2013, 6 p.m.
Access to the lifeboats was from Deck 4. This I remembered from our pre-sail muster. I ran down the grand staircase and crashed through the sliding doors of Deck 4 onto the wooden promenade, hoping I’d got my bearings right and was on the correct side of the ship.
I saw the cluster of people at once: five members of crew fiddling with a lifeboat.
‘Are you deploying the boat?’ I asked, out of breath. ‘Can I come too?’
Five pairs of eyes looked at me quizzically.
‘What?’ I threw my eyes towards the lifeboat. ‘Are you deploying it? Letting it down? Can I come?’
‘Madam … I …’ began one of the crew.
‘What is it? Do I need to take off my shoes? Wear a lifejacket?’ I flicked off my pumps and looked around for the floatation devices.
‘Madam. You must be mistake.’ The man who had tried to speak before shook his head. He was Filipino and struggled to speak to me in broken English. ‘We making checks.’
‘Okay!’ I pointed to my watch. ‘Five minutes? Ten? Then we go?’ I pointed down to the sea.
He shook his head. ‘No, madam. No going. Routine checks. Every day like this.’
I stared at the crew. Two stared back at me. The speaker fiddled with a cord in his hand. The other two almost imperceptibly started to edge away from me and back towards the lifeboat. Then it dawned on me. My face split into a huge smile.
‘Oh!’ I said, nodding. ‘You don’t know, do you? You haven’t been told? You’re performing the checks but you don’t know why. I get it now! This lifeboat is about to be deployed to look for my mother.’ I paused, waiting for a reaction but the crew who were staring continued to stare. ‘We think she fell overboard.’
‘No Captain orders,’ said the first man.
‘I know, I know! “It’s Captain Stiegman’s decision!”’ I parroted. ‘But if you haven’t yet been told, you’re about to be told. Call Doris. You know Doris? Guest Relations lady? Call her now. She’ll tell you!’
The man looked blankly at me.
‘You have walkie-talkie?’ I mimed it. ‘Call for Doris.’
‘Okay.’ The man nodded but did nothing. I stared at him, realising that he didn’t have a walkie-talkie.
‘Okay. I’ll get Doris. Wait here. Don’t move!’
I dashed back inside, stabbing the door button furiously, and ran up a deck to Guest Relations. Doris was there, talking into her walkie-talkie, as I exploded into the lounge.
‘Doris,’ I called when she placed the handset back in its holster.
‘Ah. Mrs Scrivener. I was about to go to your cabin.’
‘You’re launching a lifeboat?’
‘Please. Take a seat,’ she said, indicating the chairs on which we’d sat earlier. I sat impatiently, barely on the edge of the seat, leaning forward towards Doris, all ears.
‘So? What’s happened?’
Doris took a deep breath. ‘We have reviewed the port exit and entry information and are confident that Mrs Templeton disembarked neither in Santorini nor in Katakolon. Furthermore, the entire ship has been searched, even the crew cabins so we can also say with complete confidence that your mother is not aboard the ship.’
I was so focused on the launching of the lifeboat that the immensity of this statement passed me by. Deep down, I’d known that Mum was no longer on the ship. The question for me was whether or not she was alive in the water; whether or not she’d been found by a passing ship.
‘So is the captain turning the ship, or deploying a lifeboat? I saw the crew on Deck 4 preparing a lifeboat.’
Doris looked surprised. She shook her head. ‘No, Mrs Scrivener. I have just spoken with the captain, and he will ask to speak to you very soon.’
‘Do you know what he’s decided?’ I snapped. ‘Lifeboat? I can see he’s not turned the ship.’
‘Mrs Scrivener,’ said Doris. ‘The captain is taking this incident very seriously. He is a very experienced mariner. He has been sailing cruise ships for many, many years.’
‘When will he tell us what’s happening? And what do we do meantime? Go to the cabaret show? Eat a five-course dinner? As we carry on sailing away from my mother? I can’t. I just can’t bear it!’ I felt my face crumple. ‘How long till we get … where? Where are we headed now anyway?’
‘We’re en route to Venice,’ said Doris gently. ‘It’s a direct run from here.’
I imagined us docking back in Venice – the same place as we had boarded with such excitement a week ago. I imagined John and me packing our bags and leaving the ship without our mother. It was grotesque. What were we supposed to do? Pack Mum’s bag and fly home with her things but not her? Just walk away without knowing what happened? I put my head in my hands and sobbed.
18 July 2013, 9 a.m.
I dreamed that Mum was knocking on the hull of the ship. Weak and exhausted, she’d somehow caught up with the ship and was banging on the steel of the hull, her weak fists banging the metal as she croaked at me to throw down a rope for her. ‘Alexandra! Alexandra!’ she shouted. ‘Throw a rope! Throw the ring! Lexi! Save me!’ Bang, bang, bang went her fists on the hull. ‘Lexi!’
I woke in a panic, heart thumping, limbs frozen for the minute it took for me to remember where I was and realise that the banging was coming from outside my room. Someone was knocking on my door.
‘Yes?’ I croaked from my bed, then again, louder, because I clearly hadn’t been heard.
‘Lexi! I need to talk to you. Can I come in?’ It was John.
‘Have they found her?’
‘No.’
‘Is it important? Can it wait a bit? Half an hour?’
‘No. It’s urgent. Please.’
Sighing, I sat up on the side of the bed, still disorientated from my dream, then I shuffled over to the wardrobe, wrapped my dressing gown around myself, and opened the door. I sat back down on the bed, curling my feet under me, while John perched on the narrow sofa, his long legs looking scarecrow-like as they jutted out into the room. His face was grey; his eyes bloodshot.
‘What’s up?’ I asked. My own eyes were scratchy from crying and tiredness.
‘Doris just called. She said that Mum’s
cabin has to remain sealed until she’s either found alive or, if she’s not found, until the police come aboard in Venice.’
‘Okay,’ I said, failing to get what John was getting at. ‘And what? Do you need something from in there?’
John lifted a box of cruise line matches out of the ashtray on the small coffee table, shook the box, put it back. ‘Not as such …’
‘What then? I don’t understand what this is about. You’re going to have to spell it out to me.’
‘I just wondered,’ again he picked up the matchbox, studied it, ‘if Mum has any valuables in her room. If we should take a look before the room’s sealed. Ask if we can remove anything of value to us.’
‘Like?’
‘I don’t know. Her jewellery? Those diamond earrings she had from Tiffany’s were worth a fortune. Anastasia was always telling me.’
I stared at John, nausea rising in my gut. I spoke slowly. ‘You want Mum’s earrings?’ I stopped short of saying ‘for Anastasia’.
John tutted. ‘Good God! I’m just being practical. If Mum’s jewellery is lying around in the room, I’d rather we took it now than left it for some random member of staff or bent policeman to nick.’
I was empty with tiredness and getting dressed was the last thing I wanted to do, but I realised that regardless of what John was saying, I’d really like the chance to look around Mum’s room myself.
‘All right,’ I said. ‘I’ll go.’
‘Thanks.’ John turned to go. ‘Oh, and let me know if you find anything interesting.’
‘Like what?’
‘Oh I don’t know. Anything that might give us a clue if this was … premeditated.’ John stared at the wood of the door as he said this and something in his tone made me look harder at him, narrowing my eyes.
‘Premeditated?’ The word came out in a gasp. ‘You think Mum planned this?’ John’s silence confirmed that was what he was thinking. ‘Seriously? You think she might have jumped overboard? She wouldn’t even jump into a swimming pool!’
‘No,’ said John, shaking his head. ‘No, of course not.’ He opened the door and exited, leaving me to get dressed.
The Disappearance Page 22