“Abby, she said no, and we’re going to follow that rule.”
“But, it doesn’t make any sense. I’m fine, the baby’s fine. I can feel her kicking right now.”
He looked at my stomach and finally said, “Can I feel it…her? Please?”
I hadn’t let him touch my belly at all during my entire pregnancy. Even now, at eight months pregnant, I still didn’t want to accept the fact that I was carrying Joe’s baby. I looked up at Kellan and knew how much he wanted to be a part of my pregnancy, so I finally nodded yes.
He very slowly and carefully reached out and gently put his hand on my stomach. I took his hand and moved it to where she was kicking.
I watched his amazement and knew that he was going to make a wonderful father, someday. He was in awe, I could see it.
When she kicked, he looked up at me and said, “Does that hurt?”
I shook my head no.
“It’s amazing,” he said. “Abby…”
“No! I don’t want to keep her. She’s not yours,” I said, moving his hand away and turning onto my side.
He turned me back toward him and said, “What if she is mine? It is possible.”
“You know it’s not. Do you think I’d even consider giving her up if I thought for one second that she was yours?”
“Of course not. It’s just…even if she’s not mine…biologically, she’s still yours.”
“No, she’s not. She belongs to a really nice couple that will love her, and they won’t see…him every time they look at her.” I turned away from him again and stared at the yellow wall.
“I’m sorry this has been so horrible for you. I wish you’d tell me…”
“No. You’ll go after him.” I turned back toward him and said, “I need you. I’m scared.” I closed my eyes and tried to stop the tears, but they just kept rolling down the sides of my face into my hair.
“Landry said you can have pain medication if you go to the birthing center, or she can give you something that will help dull the pain…here.”
“It’s not the pain I’m afraid of.”
“Then, what is it?”
“I don’t want to see her, and I don’t want you to, either.”
He brushed my hair back with his hand and said, “She’s going to be beautiful, Abby. Just like her mother.”
“I’m not her mother. I’m just carrying her for her mother…that’s all. Promise me that you won’t look at her, or hold her, please?” I asked.
“Abby, I want to hold…”
“Promise me!”
“Okay, if it means that much to you. I’ll tell Margot…if you’re sure?”
I reached up and hugged him. “Thank you.” I took a deep breath and relaxed against him, feeling much better.
“Is that what’s been bothering you? You’re afraid I’m going to figure it out?”
“That, and I don’t want to see…him, in her eyes. I don’t blame her, it’s not her fault, and she deserves to be with people who will love her. I hate him and what he did to me, but I don’t hate her. I don’t love her, though, and I never will. Please understand that. If she was yours, I’d be so happy.” I was crying again.
“We’ll have babies, Abby; as many as you want…later. Let’s get through this, and then we’ll start all over…just the two of us.”
“I’ll be eighteen in a little over three months and then I never have to see Nancy and…them, ever again.”
“No, you won’t. You’ll be all mine!” He leaned down and kissed me and I refused to let go. I sighed and pulled him back to me when he tried to pull away…wanting and needing him.
“Abby…we can’t,” he said breathlessly.
“Just kiss me. It’s okay to kiss me…”
Evidently it wasn’t, because before too long, we were unable to stop…
“Oh, God, we weren’t supposed to that…again.” Kellan said while sitting up and running his hand through his tousled hair.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t stop,” I said, looking guilty but blissfully content.
We slept soundly after that, even though I know Kellan felt really guilty. He did finally fall asleep after I spent over an hour trying to convince him that the baby and I were both fine.
When I woke up, my back was killing me again. I stood up and stretched and cursed the bed, but smiled at Kellan when I noticed how content and perfect he looked laying only slightly covered by the sheet.
I finally waddled into the bathroom to get cleaned up so that I could go right back to bed. I took my allotted five-minute shower, got dressed and headed back into the bedroom only to find Kellan sitting up looking highly irritated.
“What’s wrong?”
“We’re not doing that again! I can’t believe I…”
“Would you stop, please? I’m fine, the baby’s fine. So, what would you like to do today?” I asked, hoping to change the subject.
“Well, I know what we’re NOT doing!”
I rolled my eyes and said, “Yeah, I kind of figured that. But, what would you like to do?”
“I have to go finish a couple of errands, but I promise I won’t be as long as yesterday.”
I frowned.
“I’ll bring you back some chicken strips,” he smiled when he noticed my frown.
“I don’t want chicken strips today. I only want you.”
“I already told you…”
“I didn’t mean that. I just want you to stay here with me. But, I’m sure you’re bored, too.”
“I love being with you. But, I didn’t finish everything I needed to yesterday. I’ll be back soon.”
“What didn’t you finish? You were gone all day yesterday.”
“I um, I have to pay my rent…and before you say anything, I mean...”
“I know what you mean. It’s okay. But, what else do you have to do?”
“I have to pick up some things…” he said, being very vague.
We had breakfast together and then he finally got dressed and said he’d see me later. “Are you okay? Do you need anything?”
I finally stopped pestering him about where he was going and said, “I’m fine. I’ll do something different, I’ll stay in bed and take a nap while you’re gone,” I giggled.
“Sounds like a good idea. I’ll see you later.” He kissed me on the top of the head.
“Kellan, I’m not twelve years old anymore. You can stop kissing me on my head.”
“Hmm, no I can’t, because if I kiss you anywhere else, it leads to…more.”
“I know…I like more,” I grinned.
“I’ll see you later.”
An hour later, I noticed the backache kicking in again. I was certain I had just put it out of my mind while I was talking to Kellan, but once he was gone, it came back to bother me in full force. An hour later, the pain had spread from my back to my abdomen and the slight menstrual cramps I had experienced a few days before were back, but this time they were stronger and coming in waves. In the back of my mind, I'm sure I knew I was in early labor, but I refused to admit it, even to myself. I just kept changing positions in bed, hoping the pains would stop.
By 3:30 I knew without a doubt that I was in actual labor. For once, I was grateful that Kellan wasn’t home on time. My contractions were coming every two to five minutes and I knew, without a doubt that once he found out I was in labor he’d rush me to the hospital, all the while blaming himself for giving in to my desires the previous night.
I heard him talking to Margot at 4:15 and I hurried into bed and closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep. I knew he wouldn’t wake me. He came in and looked down at me, lightly brushing the hair out of my eyes and then silently walked back out the door.
I had held my breath the entire time he was in the room, trying to ignore the pain that was coming in regular patterns of about every two to three minutes by that time. I don’t know what possessed me to try to hide the fact that I was in labor, other than the horrible fear of being taken to a hospital and being found b
y Nancy...and him. I knew Landry said she wouldn't deliver me at home if I wasn't at least 37 weeks, and I knew I wasn’t quite even 36 weeks yet. I was scared, and even though I knew I was in labor, I couldn't face it. I stayed in my room, crying into my pillow with each contraction.
Kellan brought me a dinner tray at 6:30 and I thought about pretending to still be asleep, but by that time, the contractions were so intense, I couldn't sit still.
“Hi. Did you sleep well?” he asked with that adorable grin.
“Um, yeah. I guess I was...tired.” I stood up and slowly made my way to the bathroom.
“Are you okay?” he asked. “I brought your dinner.”
“I’m um, not really hungry.” I grabbed my belly and said, “There’s no room left.” I took a few deep breaths and said, “I’m going to go take a bath.”
“Okay. Do you want some company?”
“No, it’s okay. You eat.”
“I thought we’d eat together. Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m just not hungry. My back’s still killing me. I...” I doubled over.
“Abby, what’s wrong?” he asked, rushing to my side.
“Nothing. I told you, my back hurts from lying in bed.”
“I hope the bath helps.”
“Me, too.” I closed the door and ran the tub, but by the time the tub was full, my contractions were right on top of each other and I knew I had no choice but to tell Kellan. I was going to have the baby...whether I wanted to or not.
I was sitting on the closed toilet lid, but when I stood up to go get Kellan I felt a strange sensation. “Kellan!”
He came running through the door. “Are you okay?” he asked.
I was bent over with another contraction and he was immediately by my side. “I think you better get Landry. My water broke,” I said, not letting him in on the fact that I’d been contracting for hours.
“It’s too early. Are you sure?” he asked, as if I was imagining it.
“Kellan I’m standing in a puddle, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t pee down my leg!”
“MARGOT!” he yelled, refusing to leave my side.
“It’s okay, you can go get Landry. I’ll be fine.”
“I’m not leaving you for a second. Are you having contractions?” he asked.
I looked up at him with guilty eyes, but only nodded yes.
He started to ask me how long I’d been contracting, but Margot came running through the door.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Abby’s in labor. Her water broke and she’s been having contractions...” he looked over at me, “…for how long now?”
I was having another contraction at that moment and put up my hand to let them know I needed a minute.
When it was over, Kellan asked me again how long I’d been contracting.
“Since you left this morning.”
“WHAT? Why didn't you tell me? Abby, I told you we shouldn't have...”
“I wasn’t sure at first. I kept hoping it would go away.” I interrupted him, hoping to change the subject so as not to get lectured by both of them.
“You’re going to the hospital now!” he said, his mind set.
“NO! I want Landry...please?”
He looked up at Margot who was already talking to Landry on the phone.
“Yes, she said her water broke and she’s been contracting since this morning,” Margot said.
“I know...she knows. I think she was in denial. She wants you,” Margot continued.
She hung up the phone and said, “She’ll meet us at the hospital.”
“NO!” I screamed, not only was I hit by another brutal contraction, but I was terrified to go to the hospital.
Kellan looked up at Margot.
“She has to go. The baby’s premature.”
“No, I don’t want to go. Please...” I said as another contraction hit me.
Kellan said, “I’m sorry, Abby. I can’t risk losing you…or the baby.” He picked me up and carried me out of the bathroom.
I was fighting him all the way, but when the next contraction hit, I found myself clinging to him and saying, “Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me.”
“How could you even think that? It’ll be okay. I promise.”
“They’ll find me! They will.”
“I swear I won’t let Nancy anywhere near you!”
This did nothing to ease my fears, but I was in too much pain to continue arguing with him. I clung to him, breathing hard through each contraction. They were coming in constant waves, one on top of the other, refusing to let up.
Margot drove and Kellan held me in the back seat. We made it to the hospital in record time and were met by Landry at the door.
Kellan refused to let me down which was okay because I wasn’t too sure I could walk anyway. He followed a nurse to a birthing room and he finally set me down on the bed.
“Okay, let’s see where you’re at. Why didn’t you tell me you were in labor, Abby?” she said, in a scolding manner.
“I don’t...OW! I don’t know! I wanted you to...”
“Okay, okay. It’s fine. We’re not too late. I need to do a pelvic exam, okay? We need to get your pants and panties off.”
I was breathing hard as another contraction hit me and I couldn’t get my pants down. Kellan took it as his cue to help me and soon I was half naked on the bed and I was terrified.
“Well, you didn’t get here too soon. You’re complete.”
“What does that mean?” I asked in between my never-ending contractions.
“It’s time to push.”
Landry and a couple of nurses busied themselves readying this and that and I looked up at Kellan. “I’m not ready for this. I don’t want to do this!”
“It’s okay. It’ll be over soon.”
I squeezed his hand hard during my next contraction. “I have to push...Oh, no!”
“Just breathe through this contraction, Abby. You can start pushing with the next one.”
“I don't want to push. I don't want to do this.”
The nurse was asking me a bunch of questions, but all I could think of was that I didn't want to have this baby. “You promised me...you wouldn’t look...at her!” I reminded Kellan.
“I know. Its okay, I won’t. We’ll just let Margot take her, okay? I promise. It’s okay, Abby.”
Landry sat at the edge of the bed and checked my cervix again. “Okay, with the next contraction, I want you to push, okay? You’re baby’s right there...”
“She’s…not...my...baby!” I said as another contraction hit me.
“Push, Abby!”
“No, I don't want to. I...can’t.” The need to push was overwhelming, but the fear of looking into Joe’s eyes was stronger than the natural urge to push.
“Abby, you’re going to have to push this baby out. You don't have a choice. She’s right there. You’re contractions brought her all the way down and now you just have to push her out the rest of the way. Now, on your next contraction, I want you to push.”
I was holding my breath, desperately trying not to push while every breadth of my being screamed that I had to push. It was an uncontrollable urge, but I fought it tooth and nail, refusing to give in and be forced to deliver this baby.
“Abby, push!” Landry ordered, obviously upset with me now.
“No, I can’t.”
“Abby, you have to push now. Come on, you can do this,” Kellan said, while trying to shake back some feeling in his hand from my squeezing.
“NO!” I shouted, refusing to budge.
“Abby, you have to do this. Just give me a few good pushes and it will be all over.”
I shook my head like a spoiled child refusing to listen.
“ABBY! You have to do this!” Kellan ordered.
“Abby, it’s okay. I have a wonderful couple all ready to take her. You don't have to see her...I promise,” Margot said from the doorway.
“You’re going to t
ake her away, right?” I was desperately fighting the over-whelming urge to push, but I had to be sure that we’d never lay eyes on her.
“Yes, I promise. You don't have to see her. Kellan won’t see her, either,” Margot promised.
I took another deep breath and nodded okay in between contractions.
“Okay, with your next contraction, I want you to bear down and push,” Landry said, quietly, sounding relieved.
My next contraction hit and I squeezed Kellan’s hand harder and pushed.
“That’s it, now push harder, Abby. This baby needs to be born.”
I did what she said and after a few more contractions, I felt an unbelievable burning. “Ow, Ow! Get her out!” I screamed.
“Come on, just push through it. You’re almost done.”
I pushed hard, and finally felt some relief. I heard her cry and I grabbed Kellan’s arm, making sure he was going to keep his promise and not look at her.
He was staring down at me and said, “You did it, Abby. I love you.” He leaned down and kissed me and neither of us even noticed as Landry wrapped up the baby and handed her to Margot. The room was silent with the exception of my heavy breathing.
“Okay, Abby. Give me one more push and it’ll be all over,” Landry said quietly.
“I thought I was done. The baby’s gone...right?”
“Yes. One of the nurses and Margot took the baby, but you still have to deliver the placenta. Just give me a few small pushes, okay?”
I did what she said and Kellan sat by my side the entire time, holding my hand with one hand and stroking my cheek with the other. He never looked away throughout the entire birth or during the repairs Landry had to make from the tears I managed to sustain.
“Okay, you’re all done. You did a great job, Abby.” She sat down next to me, across from Kellan and said, “You’re going to be pretty sore for a while. You have a second degree tear, but I stitched you up really well, so you’ll be as good as new. Your nurse will give you some ice packs and ibuprofen for any pain.”
“Thank you.”
“Do you have any questions?”
“No. Oh, yes, when can I go home?”
“Tomorrow night.”
“No, I want to go home now...before...”
“You can’t go home yet. I'm not going to let you go for twenty-four hours. I need to be sure you’re okay, and you don’t have any bleeding issues.”
SEPARATED: CONCLUSION TO UN-RELATED Page 13