She supposed she should feel grateful that a man so publicly sworn to bachelorhood would offer to share his home with her, but somehow she wasn’t feeling particularly lucky. As important as it was that they continue this discussion about his first marriage in greater depth, Lauren could tell by his stony expression that Travis had said all he was going to say on the matter for the time being. Reaching deep inside herself, she offered him a little smile and postponed the conversation that was already twisting her guts into tight, hard knots.
She patted the pillow beside her. “Why don’t you come on back to bed and we’ll both sleep on it? Hopefully a good night’s sleep will do wonders for both of our perspectives.”
Apparently happy enough to leave things at that, Travis snuggled back under the covers and dozed off almost immediately. Lauren remained wide-awake, however. She didn’t want to dismiss his offer out of hand.
Still, she couldn’t help feeling diminished by the compromise he suggested. It wasn’t so much her fear of God or even of what the neighbors might say as much as it was a sense that she was worth more than he was willing to give her. Afraid of selling herself short in the long run, Lauren believed that she deserved a soul mate who would openly claim her.
She couldn’t help but wonder if Travis didn’t want to keep their relationship hidden away from his friends and family because he was secretly ashamed of her. Maybe he couldn’t get past her nerdy image from the past. Perhaps it was merely the sexist belief that he didn’t have to buy the cow if the milk was free. Or did he simply think she was too old for happily ever afters complete with white dresses and fairy godmothers?
Or was he merely looking for an invisible playmate and no one fit that description more perfectly than she?
Lauren felt herself fading away at the thought.
And fought against it.
She had worked too hard to make herself visible to the world to let such negative thoughts destroy her new self-image. Yet as tempting as it was to walk away from this relationship while she could still hold her head up, the thought of abandoning what she had with Travis was almost more than she could bear. Hoping that she would be better able to face that possibility in the morning light, she tried to put her fears to rest. In the bleak and lonely hours of the night, it was enough to cuddle up in this man’s loving arms and feel his heart beating against her own without asking for more.
Unfortunately, sleep did little to shed any light on her dilemma. When Lauren woke early the next morning, she was no closer to knowing what to do than she’d been the night before. If anything, she was even more confused. Unlike her, Travis hadn’t lost any sleep over the issue. Reveling in the sensation of waking up after a good night’s sleep, he stretched his long, masculine body out so that his feet stuck out over the foot of her queen-size bed. And wriggled his hairy toes.
“Good morning, beautiful,” he said, rolling over on his side to look at her directly.
All sinew and muscle and latent strength, he was too good-looking for words.
“Morning, sleepyhead,” she managed to reply.
Quite frankly Lauren was a little irritated that he’d slept so well. That he seemed so sure of himself. That he seemed so apparently unattached to whatever decision she reached in regard to their future. That he didn’t seem to doubt for a moment that she had already mentally packed her bags and would be moving in with him just as soon as she could gather up her things.
As tempting as that thought was, Lauren really hadn’t made up her mind yet. In fact, the only thing she knew for sure was that she didn’t want to slip back into a state of invisibility just to make life easier for others.
“Well, angel, have you come to any conclusions?” he asked, stroking her bare arm lovingly.
Lauren pushed a wayward lock of dark hair away from the face she loved. She knew she would be doing a terrible disservice to Travis, not to mention herself, by not honestly disclosing her feelings for him. Squeaky with apprehension, her voice betrayed the depth of those feeling as she reached inside herself for an ounce of courage.
“Just one.”
Travis trailed a lazy finger along the edge of the sheet where it bulged out to accommodate the swell of her breasts.
“And what’s that?” he asked.
Swallowing hard, Lauren looked straight into a pair of eyes that had captivated her for so much of her life. She wanted nothing less than his full attention when she spoke the words aloud for the first time. She held his gaze tenderly.
“That I love you.”
A chasm of silence accompanied that heartfelt proclamation.
It wasn’t exactly the reaction Lauren had been hoping for. She thought the least Travis could do was to say something. Anything. It seemed his mouth was temporarily under construction. Blinking back her tears, she willed him to look away so she could make a graceful getaway. She’d never felt so stupid or ugly or embarrassed in all her life.
“You don’t have to say anything back,” she somehow managed to croak out before climbing out of bed, taking the sheet along with her. “I just thought you should know that I wouldn’t move in with you if I didn’t love you. That’s all.”
That’s all?
Reeling from Lauren’s announcement, Travis didn’t know why he couldn’t bring himself to say the words that she was longing to hear. It would be so easy to staunch her tears with a lie, but he didn’t want to hurt her any more than he already had by giving her false hope.
Only the crazy thing was Travis wasn’t so sure he would be lying to repeat those three little words. He knew that what he felt for this woman went far beyond lust; otherwise he never would have asked her to move in with him. It went far beyond simple attraction and genuine fondness, too. And it went far beyond what his battered heart could accept.
Was it too much to believe a woman as special as Lauren could truly love him for who he was, not just what he represented? Not for all the things he could buy her or for the social perks associated with a name synonymous with one of the biggest ranches in Wyoming.
If anything, the truth was far more frightening than any lie he might feel compelled to tell at the moment.
Travis reached out to grab a fistful of quickly disappearing sheet. He pulled Lauren back into bed where he held her a little too tightly—as though he were afraid that she would fly away if he gave her half a chance. He understood that her unexpected proclamation of love didn’t necessarily mean she was willing to move in with him, either. As much as that thought annoyed him, he secretly had to admire her character. Few women he knew would consider the offer a moral dilemma.
“I don’t deserve you,” he said, glad to discover his mouth was up and running again.
Still, his voice sounded as gravelly as the road connecting them to the rest of the world.
“You probably don’t,” Lauren agreed, hiding her tears behind the border of the sheet wrapped toga style around her.
“Does that mean you’re not going to move in with me?”
Lauren studied the quality of light filtering through the window. She followed a dust mite that crossed the path of her eye. Tested the springy texture of the fine hair along Travis’s arm against her fingers.
“It means that I want to, but I’d like to think about it a little while longer before I let you know for sure.”
Hurt that she wasn’t happier about the prospect of living with him, Travis grew uneasy at the idea of Lauren weighing the pros and cons of such a decision with anyone else. Just thinking about her broaching this touchy subject with her mother or stepfather Henry, who’d already warned him about hurting her, or any of the other funny, sweet relatives who loved her so openly made him feel like a real heel.
A heel that had stepped in cow manure and didn’t have the good sense to scrape it off before he got to smelling too bad.
He supposed that’s what he got for falling for someone with scruples
“Big girls don’t have to check in with their mommies before they make up their own min
ds,” he pointed out.
That Travis really liked Lauren’s family complicated things. He didn’t want to come between Lauren and the people whose opinions meant the most to her. He didn’t particularly want them thinking badly of him, either. Or make her already difficult teaching job any more challenging for that matter.
Suddenly a horrible thought occurred to him.
“You’re not going to talk to your principal about this, are you?” he wanted to know.
If that fat, bald, mealy-mouthed old goat had anything to say about this, he could damn well say it to Travis—right before he ate his fist.
Lauren shook her head. “Not unless he brings it up.”
Travis was okay with that. School wouldn’t start up for another couple of months, and by then who knew how their relationship would be progressing? Experience had taught him that it was one thing to date someone and quite another to live with her. It hadn’t taken long to realize the honeymoon was over with Jaclyn shortly after it had begun. He truly believed that the wisest course for any couple considering marriage was to try living together first on a temporary basis.
Not that Travis was predicting failure for the trial arrangement he was suggesting. A veteran of the war between the sexes, he was simply preparing himself for it, just in case.
Eleven
“What a quandary!” Suzanne exclaimed in mock exaggeration. Holding out both hands, she mimed a scale and proceeded to weigh her friend’s options. “Let’s see, should I move in with some gorgeous, rich hunk who curls my toes with his kisses, or should I live out the rest of my days alone and miserable as the spinster of Pinedale High?”
The image evoked in Lauren’s mind a disturbing cross between the Old Maid and the lead character from Phantom of the Opera.
Continuing on, Suzanne dropped her left hand to her side as if it couldn’t possibly support the weight of the obvious answer. “Gosh, I don’t know. What should I do?”
Lauren worried her bottom lip between her teeth. “Do you really think it’s that simple?” she asked.
“Yes, I do.”
Lauren wished she had Suzanne’s decisive outlook on life. If only matters of the heart could be as easily resolved as her friend made it sound. Of course, giving advice was far different from living it.
“I didn’t see you moving in with Mike before the two of you got married,” Lauren pointed out.
A coy smile curled Suzanne’s lips. “True,” she admitted. “But then Mike wasn’t as afraid of commitment as Travis. In fact, as I recall he couldn’t hustle me up the aisle fast enough to suit his timetable.”
A faraway look came across Suzanne’s face and she sighed with a wistfulness one rarely heard in her voice.
“Those were the days. Back when paying bills didn’t take precedence over making love.”
Although Lauren commiserated, she really couldn’t empathize. From the outside looking in, her friend had the perfect marriage. It was hard not to envy the spur-of-the-moment elopement that had shocked the whole town and marked the beginning of Suzanne and Mike’s life together.
“At least you don’t have to be afraid of Mike leaving you whenever he feels like it. When you live with somebody, who’s to say the least little argument won’t lead to terminating the entire relationship?”
Suzanne pushed a cup of coffee toward Lauren and offered her free refills on the advice she was about to give.
“Look, Lauren, I know you’re afraid of operating without a net. That you’re worried if you move in, Travis will think that he’s pacified you and things will deteriorate the instant you say you’re ready for more of a commitment. You need to realize that marriage is no guarantee that won’t happen, either. People do get divorced. Travis did. And that’s probably why he wants to start out slow and easy. Remember love is a choice. It’s hard work. And above all, love is worth the risk.”
Lauren appreciated the insight and support. Having waited a long time herself for the right man to come along, Suzanne wasn’t one to give flippant counsel. It meant a lot to know that whatever the consequences of her decision Lauren always would have a friend to lean on. She sighed in anticipation of what lay ahead of her.
“I just hope Mom is as open-minded when I broach this subject.”
She fretted for the better part of the morning before dragging her feet to the doorstep of her mother’s house. Lauren stopped by the bakery first and purchased a dozen glazed donuts just in case she needed something to soften Barbara Aberdeen up. Out of sheer nervousness, Lauren ate three of them herself on the way over.
“Good Lord,” her mother exclaimed, opening the door. “You don’t have to ring the doorbell like some stranger.”
Lauren didn’t know how to explain that she’d been afraid of interrupting something intimate. After dancing around the real reason for the visit, she finally brought up the subject in an awkward, roundabout way and steeled herself for the explosion to come.
“Why, that’s wonderful news, honey!” Barbara exclaimed throwing her arms around her daughter.
It turned out that Lauren’s mother was far less conservative than she had thought. In fact, as the conversation wore on, Lauren couldn’t help being just a little hurt that her mother seemed more concerned about Travis’s feelings than hers.
“You can’t blame a man who went through the kind of nasty divorce that Travis did for being a little gun shy. I’d advise against giving him any kind of ultimatum. You know that any man worth his salt will resist that kind of emotional blackmail.”
“You mean you wouldn’t be disappointed in me if I skipped the wedding and went straight to the honeymoon?” Lauren asked, sounding far more incredulous and naive than she wanted to.
“You could never disappoint me, dear. I thought you knew that.”
Her response was so instantaneous and sincere that it made Lauren teary. She dabbed at her eyes with her fingertips.
“I’m sorry. I seem to be doing a lot of crying lately. It’s just not like me.”
Barbara gave her another hug before leaving to fetch a box of tissues. She sat down beside her daughter on the couch, pulled a couple of tissues from the floral print box, and pressed them into her Lauren’s hand.
“What I want to know is whether you love him.”
“God help me, I do, Mom. I love him so much it hurts.”
Barbara looked perplexed. “Then I don’t see what the problem is.”
What had been merely a trickle of tears turned into a river as Lauren struggled to admit the awful truth. Just the memory of that pregnant pause when she’d told Travis she loved him sent mascara cascading down her face. Her words caught on swallowed sobs. She couldn’t imagine her father ever treating her mother so horribly and didn’t know how to put her humiliation into words.
“I’m afraid he doesn’t love me back.”
“There, there,” her mother said, trying to comfort her baby the best she knew how. “A man doesn’t ask you to move in with him unless he feels something for you. Maybe Travis just isn’t very demonstrative about his feelings. Some men aren’t you know. Some men simply defy pigeonholing. Henry says such nice things about Travis, and he seemed to fit into the family so well the other night. Leta and the boys are all fired up to take him up on his generous offer to go horseback riding.”
“Who cares how he fits into the rest of the family?” Lauren wailed. “I’m more concerned about whether he wants to fit in with me. I want him to want what I want. And what I want is for him to want to marry me.”
Lauren’s head was beginning to spin. She wasn’t sure her words were making any sense.
“The problem is,” she continued on, “that I just don’t think there’s any way that I can make that happen.”
Barbara reached out in empathy. It clearly hurt her very much to see her only child in such pain. “I wish there was something I could do to make this easier for you, but I can’t. I can only encourage you to think about giving Travis a chance to make you happy. To let love flower in its
own time. To advise you not to try to force things. And to let you know that I’ll support you no matter what you decide to do with the rest of your life.”
Having never in a million years expected her mother to sanction any kind of sexual activity outside the bounds of marriage, Lauren was speechless. Between Suzanne and her mom, all the obstacles in the way of Lauren accepting Travis’s offer were falling away faster than she could erect new ones. There was only one person left whose opinion mattered more to her than anyone else’s.
And he wasn’t around to offer any advice.
“What do you suppose Daddy would think?” she asked, sniffling into a tissue.
A tender smile crossed Barbara’s face. “He’d want you to be happy. I know for a fact that he wouldn’t want you to sacrifice your own joy out of some misguided sense of obligation to his memory. Over the years I’m afraid in your mind you’ve elevated your father to sainthood, but never forget that he was made of flesh and blood just like you and me. I think he would have liked Travis very much. I do.”
Lauren brightened. Her mother was a pretty good judge of character. “You do?”
“In a lot of ways, he reminds me of your father who, by the way, was more than a little nervous about walking down the aisle himself. The truth is, I wasn’t absolutely sure he was going to show up at the church on the day of our wedding.”
Lauren couldn’t believe what she was hearing. The way she remembered her father telling it, he’d fallen in love with pretty Barbara Miller at first sight and immediately begun doing everything humanly possible to tie the knot binding her to him as quickly as possible.
“And,” her mother continued in a gentle tone that belied the seriousness of what she was about to say. “I know that you have some intimacy issues. Listen to me, Lauren. Just because your father died doesn’t mean that Travis is going to leave you, too. If your father’s death teaches you anything, it should be to celebrate life for all it’s worth while you can.”
Only Skin Deep Page 11