Cut Too Deep

by Marissa Farrar

  She just wished it was a promise he was able to keep.

  Chapter Seven

  Ryker finished what work he could on her car, and then made a couple of calls to suppliers to locate the parts.

  Jenna watched him expectantly as he thanked whoever was on the other end of the line, and hung up.

  “Well?” she asked.

  “The parts have been shipped. We can’t do any more than that.”

  She chewed on her lower lip. “What happens if the parts don’t come in?”

  He shrugged, but a small smile tugged his mouth. “I guess you’ll have to stay an extra day.”

  “I can’t, Ryker. I already explained that.” She thought of something. “Anyway, I won’t have anywhere to stay after tonight. The motel is already booked, remember.”

  “No problem. I’ve got a spare room. You can stay with me.”

  She glared at him. “No, I can’t! Stop pushing me on this.”

  He raised his hands in submission, but laughed as he did so. “Okay, okay. I won’t mention it again—at least until the time comes when you find yourself with nowhere to stay, then we’ll talk.”

  “Why is the motel booked for tomorrow anyway?”

  He grinned. “It’s our annual tomato festival.”

  “Tomato festival?”

  “Yeah, there will be a parade and bands playing, a tomato eating contest, plus who has grown the ugliest tomato competition.”

  She couldn’t help laughing. “Seriously?”

  “Of course. Didn’t you notice the posters around town?”

  “I guess I was a little preoccupied.” She didn’t want to think about the reason why. “So what else happens?”

  “There’s a fun run. Do you like to run?”

  She spread her arms out either side of her body. “Do I look like I run?” He shrugged as an answer. “If I’m running,” she continued, “it’s ’cause something is chasing me.”

  Ryker chuckled. “Okay, I get it, you don’t plan on running. The best part doesn’t come until the afternoon.”

  Jenna grimaced. “I’m almost too scared to ask.”

  He moved closer, sidling his hips toward hers. Her heart picked up its pace, her breath catching. Their proximity was so near, his breath heated her face, the hairs of his arms tickling hers. “In the afternoon, beautiful Jenna, that’s when the tomato throwing starts.”

  Her voice came out breathy. “Tomato throwing?”

  “Oh, yes.” He stepped even closer, and leaned forward and down, his mouth against her ear. “And I can’t wait to cover you in ripe tomato juice, so you’d better not leave before then.”

  She didn’t know if she should melt into a puddle or giggle. “I guess I could be persuaded.”

  He turned his head and suddenly his lips pressed against hers, soft and warm and firm. Her eyes slipped shut, her arms wrapping around his neck. Ryker deepened the kiss, teasing her lips open with his tongue, the ball of his piercing brushing against her upper lip. She tasted the coffee she’d made as the kiss grew hungrier. His hands ran down her back, sliding over the curve of her ass. She kissed him back, matching his fervor, arching her back so her breasts pressed into his chest. She had to suppress a moan that threatened to burst from between her lips. A throb, low and deep in her belly, sent a pulse of pleasure though her. The sensation was like a defibrillator to her brain, reminding her of everything standing between them.

  She broke the kiss, moving away. Her hand over her mouth. “I’m sorry, Ryker.” She shook her head at herself. “Jesus, you must think I’m such a prick-tease.”

  “Hey, don’t say that. It makes me angrier hearing you say those things than you stopping kissing me.” He pursed his lips. “Though I was really enjoying you kissing me.”

  A small smile touched her lips. “You were kissing me.”

  He winked at her. “Didn’t feel that way to me.”

  They stared at each other and she felt the air between them crackle with tension. She’d never experienced this with anyone before, the way he seemed to so honestly want her. Even with Garrett at the beginning, when everything superficially seemed perfect, she’d never quite managed to convince herself that she wasn’t just a pity-fuck to him. In the end, her instincts had been right. Garrett had seen her as no more than a toy, and she’d allowed him to play with her.

  She didn’t feel that way with Ryker. Though her brain still tried to convince her that he couldn’t possibly want a girl as big as her, her heart, and body, told her something else entirely.

  Ryker stepped away, breaking the moment. “Well, my work here is done. Shall I take you back to the motel? No point in hanging around the garage all day, and my stomach is telling me it’s lunchtime.”

  “Yeah, that would be great.”

  They got back in Ryker’s truck, taking the route back to the motel. Only after they’d left the garage behind did Jenna realize she’d drunk out of Ryker’s mugs without cleaning them first. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d done that without having a panic attack. The thought hadn’t even occurred to her. It did now, though, her mind starting to picture the germs and bacteria that might have been on the porcelain when she’d placed her lips to the rim.

  No, no, no. Think about something else. Her heart rate began to pick up, her palms growing sweaty. She didn’t want to have a full blown panic attack in front of Ryker. A pain in her head started, and she pressed the heel of her hand at the pressure point above her eyebrow.

  Distraction. She needed a distraction.

  “Shouldn’t you check on Mikey?” she suggested, trying to keep the tremor from her voice.

  Ryker was watching the road and hadn’t noticed anything was wrong. “Yeah, I will soon. But the way I figure things, you probably need me more than he does right now. He’ll be gaming and won’t even notice if I’m there or not.”

  “Maybe you should take his computer away as punishment,” she suggested, though she had no parenting experience to speak of. Even as she spoke, her approaching panic began to retreat.

  “I’ve thought about that, but Mikey’s been through so much, and it’s the only thing he has in his life. If I take that away, where will that leave him? No parents, very few friends.”

  “Perhaps then he’d learn to make real-life friends.”

  “What, with all the other kids his age who are also gaming?” Ryker shook his head. “I don’t know. You’re probably right, but I just can’t do it to him. He’d go off the rails even more, and then he’d end up being taken in by social services. I can’t risk that happening. We’ve only got another few years and he’ll be a grown man and free to do what he wants. Until then I just want to try to make his life as constant as possible. I’m his guardian, but I’ll never be his parent.”

  “You’re the closest thing he’s got,” she said softly.

  “Yeah, and I don’t want to jeopardize that. No manual comes with this job.”

  They pulled up outside the motel.

  Jenna frowned and squinted, peering out of the passenger window. “What is that?”

  Something was outside of her door, a small bundle of some kind, no bigger than the palm of her hand

  Ryker glanced over, unclicking his seat belt. “What?”

  “I’m not sure, but something is on the ground, right outside my motel room door.”

  He leaned over her to see what she meant. “Oh, yeah. I’m sure it’s nothing. Someone’s dropped some trash or something.”

  “It doesn’t look like trash.” She unclicked her own belt and opened the truck door, climbing down. With her gaze still focused on the object, she slammed the door shut and headed toward it.

  She heard Ryker slam his own door and sensed him on her heels. As she moved closer, she made out what the thing was and her heart lurched into her throat. Ice ran through her veins, and her eyes pricked with tears of fear.

  Jenna cupped her hand to her mouth. “Oh, God.”

  “What? What is it?”

  She shook her
head in disbelief. “Look.”

  They both approached and stood over the little bundle of light brown feathers. Ryker bent down and picked up the dead bird, the body limp, the tiny black eyes dull, the beak slightly ajar.

  “No! Don’t touch it!” Jenna cried, stepping back. “Put it down”

  “I have to move it, Jenna. It’s only a dead bird.”

  “No, it’s not. He put it there.”

  Ryker frowned at her, his eyes squinting. “What the hell makes you think that?”

  “The bird … It’s a little wren, isn’t it?”

  He glanced down at the limp ball of feathers in his hand. “I’m no bird watcher, but I think so, yeah. Why?”

  “When we first met, that’s what Garrett used to call me. His little Jenny Wren. I thought it was cute at the time, but now I look back I think it was just another way for him to tease me—you know, ’cause I’m not exactly little! It’s not a coincidence that he’s out and there just happens to be a dead wren right in front of my motel door.”

  “Out? Out of where?”

  “Prison,” she admitted. “He was put away for driving under the influence.” She didn’t want to tell him the rest.

  “Jesus, Jenna.” He shook his head. “You should have told me. But I still think you’re reading too much into this. We’re pretty rural here. There are birds everywhere. The thing probably just flew into the door and broke its own neck.”

  “No, it’s him. It’s as if I can feel his presence again. I’ve been feeling this way ever since the banging last night.”

  “What banging?”

  “It woke me up in the early hours. Someone banged on my door.”

  He stared at her and shook his head. “Hell, Jenna. That could have been anyone.”

  “I know, but then I called the detective who worked on Garrett’s case, and he called me back to tell me Garrett had been given early parole. I can’t describe it. It’s like I can feel his eyes on me, watching everything I do.”

  He glanced down at the lifeless thing in his hand. “And you really think he’d leave a dead bird as what? A warning?”

  All she could think of was Garrett’s cruel hands around the little bird’s neck, crushing the life from it. “Yeah, that’s exactly what I think. This is his way of telling me he’s near and he’s coming for me.”

  “We need to go to the police.”

  “And tell them what? That someone banged on my door, and we found a dead bird. They’ll laugh us out of the station.” Jenna sighed. “Also, I don’t want my name listed on a report. Just in case this is all in my head and I’m being paranoid, I don’t want him to be able to track me by it.”

  “So you’re saying there is a possibility you’re being paranoid?”

  She sighed again and pushed her hair from her face. “I don’t know. I’m tired, and confused.” She glanced at Ryker’s hand. “Can you please get rid of the bird? I can’t think straight while I’m looking at it.”

  Ryker crossed to the edge of the parking lot and put the body under a bush and scraped a bit of dirt over it. He gave a shrug. “That’s the best I can do for now.”

  “I can’t see the damn thing, so it’s fine.” In her head, she could see the multitude of germs crawling over Ryker’s hands. “Now come inside and wash your hands.”

  She unlocked the door, and then walked into the room. He reached behind him to shut it again, but Jenna snapped. “Don’t touch it!” Ryker widened his eyes at her. “Sorry, you just don’t know what kind of diseases that thing was carrying.” She rushed to the bathroom and turned on the faucet so he wouldn’t need to touch anything. “Here, please, just wash your hands.”

  He did as she asked, and she tried not to think about the places he might have missed as he dried his hands on one of her towels.

  “So what are you going to do, Jenna?” he asked, coming back into the room. “You can’t leave until the parts come in for your car, and you won’t call the police, so what’s the plan?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t have one.”

  “Well, I can’t leave you here on your own. You need to come home with me.”

  “I already told you I won’t put either you or Mikey in danger.”

  He reached out and took her hand. “Listen to me. I don’t believe you will be. I bet this guy is hundreds of miles away and you are completely safe. It’s totally understandable that you’re freaked if he’s just got out of jail, but so far all that’s happened is a bird flew into the door or window outside of your room, and someone else banged on your door in the night.”

  “I know how it sounds …”

  “No, you’re not being objective.” His tone softened and he pulled her down so they sat side by side of the edge of the bed. “I don’t know what this guy did to you to make you so frightened of him, but if he’s only just got out of prison, and you’ve been running all this time, I’m sure he wouldn’t have caught up to you already.”

  She faced Ryker, searching his eyes with hers. “He’s smart. Really smart, even if he doesn’t act it. He can hack into any database and get information without people even knowing he was there. He can find me, I know he can.”

  “Shit, Jenna. But you’ve been careful, right?”

  She nodded. “As much as I can be.” She glanced away from him. “I should have changed my name, but I just couldn’t bring myself to give up my own identity. It was the only thing I had left. If I gave that up, too, he would have taken everything.”

  His arm slid around her shoulders and he squeezed her tight. It felt so good to have someone touch her with only comfort in their heart and mind. “I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s not your fault. And it’s not your problem either. I meant it when I said I don’t want you involved.”

  “Jenna …”

  But she forced herself to her feet. “Please, Ryker, just fix my car tomorrow, and I’ll be out of your hair.”

  He stood, too, facing her. “I don’t want you out of my hair.”

  She stared at him. “But I can’t stay, and you can’t leave. Walk out of here, now, before either one of us takes this much further.”

  “I’m not going to leave you like this!”

  “You don’t have any choice.”

  He squared his shoulders in determination. “Yes, I do.”

  Jenna pressed her lips together and shook her head. “No, you don’t. You have Mikey to take care of.”

  “He’s a teenager. He’s capable of taking care of himself for a few hours.”

  “It’s been a few hours, and he’s a boy on suspension living in a situation the authorities have already got their eye on.”

  Ryker stared at her, and she could read how torn he was in his expression. His shoulders slumped and he shook his head, locking a hand in his hair. “Shit.”

  “I’ll be fine, Ryker,” she said, forcing a smile. “You’re right. I over-reacted at the bird, and I’m sure Garrett is nowhere near here. Go home to Mikey, and I’ll just lock my door and call for a pizza.” She made her smile widen, though ice-water ran through her veins at the thought of him leaving. “Can you recommend a good one?”

  He gave an awkward grin back. “Gianni’s on Fore Street is the best.”

  “Okay, I’ll call them.”

  She started to move forward, forcing him to back toward the door. She reached around him and pulled it open.

  “Wait,” he said. “I don’t even have your cell number. And you need to take mine, just in case.”

  “Oh, right. You’ll need to call me when the car is ready.”

  His face crumpled with hurt momentarily. “I was hoping to see you before then.”

  “I don’t think so, Ryker. This whole thing isn’t a good idea for so many reasons.”

  The hurt vanished, replaced by a hard mask. “Fine. Whatever you think.” He pushed past her and went to the desk where a pad of paper and a pen sat beside the television. “Here’s my number, just in case something comes up. I still need yours, though.”
<
br />   She wanted to crack, wanted to break down and tell him she didn’t mean it, that she wanted him to stay and protect her and make her feel safe again, but she couldn’t. “I wrote it down on the form when I dropped off my car.”

  His normally full lips became a thin line. The expression made him seem like a different person—someone hard, someone dangerous.

  “Of course you did. I’ll call you when the car is ready.”

  And with that he walked past her, back out of the motel room door, toward his truck.

  Jenna couldn’t bear to watch him go. With tears flooding her vision and a sob building in her chest, she shut the door. Pressing her back against the wood, she slid down to the floor, put her hands over her eyes, and cried.

  Chapter Eight

  Eventually, her tears dried and she was left sitting on the floor with the skin of her face tight and her eyes sore.

  Jenna glanced down at the mountainous shelf of her breasts, at the double roll of fat around her middle, at the thickness of her thighs. She suppressed a fresh sob. She was disgusting. How could Ryker even find her attractive? He deserved so much better than her. With the way he looked, and even the way he acted, he could have some slim, beauty-pageant girl instead of the big, fat, lumpy person she was. She didn’t understand why he seemed to want to be around her so badly.

  I won’t eat, she swore to herself. I’ll just stop eating, and not let anything except water pass my lips—she backpedaled—or coffee, anyway, and then I’ll be thin.

  Then she might be worthy of the attention of someone as sweet and sexy as Ryker Russo.

  But no, she realized, her heart sinking. Even if she was thin, she’d still be ugly. The red, raised, twisted scar Garrett had gifted her with would still exist. She would still be a woman living on borrowed time with a madman on her heels.

  Despite all of her emotions, it was past lunchtime now, and she was hungry.

  Fuck it.

  What was the point in worrying about her weight anyway, considering everything else she was going through? She’d never have a guy like Ryker. Hell, she’d be lucky to make it through the next few weeks, never mind worry about a future.