“Hmm?” He said loving the soft sound of her laughter.
“Is it too soon for rehab jokes? I suddenly want to sing my own rendition of Amy Winehouse’s Rehab.”
He chuckled and swiped his hand along his face and scratched the stubble that outlined his jaw. “Maybe just a little too soon.”
“Damn it!” She said and there was that silence again. “I’m going to hang up now.” She declared yet still she cradled the phone to her ear.
“Okay. Goodnight.” Luke said as he rose to his feet.
“Goodnight, Luke.” She whispered before she hung the phone up slowly.
Luke heard the soft click on her end of the line and then shoved the phone back into his pocket. He reached behind him and cupped the back of his neck, letting out a deep breath. He was startled when the front door opened and his mother emerged.
“What are you doing out here? You’re missing the game.” She said from the doorway. He had completely forgotten all about the playoff game he had been so excited to watch.
Cara’s Journal: September 28
Dear Jake,
I think I may have really lived through hell. I mean the kind of hell where the devil's bargains for your soul and then even when he gets a taste of you he chews you up, decides he’s done with you and spits you back into the flames. He lets you sit there as the flames burn through your flesh and when the fire hits your insides you scream in agony but no one hears you. No one wants hell’s leftovers. So right now, though the flames have gone out, all I am now is a pile of dust and ashes, at least that’s what it feels like.
I never thought I’d say that I had to go through detox. I never thought I’d become an addict. I bet you didn’t think I had it in me either. Luke said I was in there five days, but I would’ve sworn it was five weeks. I really thought I was going to die. They gave me medication to help with the side effects of detox and I guess they are working because I don’t feel violently ill or like I’m going to throw my organs up.
Tomorrow is my first day of counseling and I’m not sure how I feel about that either. I’ve never shared my problems with anyone other than you. I know we were a couple at the end, but more than I miss my boyfriend, I miss my friend, the friend who knew all my problems, all my concerns. I miss my best friend that would listen to me vent and never judge me, no matter how crazy my thoughts were or how out of control my feelings were. Our friendship meant everything to me and I mourn that every day. I think even before you died I started to mourn our friendship.
I should go to bed that way when I stand in a room full of strangers and tell them what a fuck up I am at least I look presentable. Who the fuck am I kidding? I look like road kill lately.
I love you.
I miss you.
Love always and forever,
Cara
Chapter Five
Cara bit down on her lip nervously as she walked into the large room. There were floor to ceiling windows throughout the room, with breathtaking views of the lake that surrounded Lakeview. It was quite serene and there was a certain peace to be found there. In the center of the room there was a large circle of chairs. Off to one side there was a buffet of fresh pastries and bagels, and an urn filled with coffee. She wasn’t alone, there were people scattered throughout the room. Some of them stood huddled together others finding their seats. Cara slowly made her way to the buffet to grab a cup of coffee. She avoided making eye contact with anyone, in fear that they would see right through her. See through the exterior and discover the broken shards of the person she used to be. Once her cup was full of steaming hot coffee she took a seat and hoped nobody noticed her.
A man entered the room; she assumed he was the counselor by how everyone in the room made their way to greet him. The seats around her began to fill and the man found his way to the center of the circle. Cara focused on the floor and the pattern in which the tile was laid. She didn’t lift her head when she heard the man introduce himself, but she listened to him intently.
“Welcome everyone. Those of you who have been meeting with me regularly have no need for introductions, but for the few new faces I see I am Rick Sutter, a counselor here at Lakeview. Before we begin I’m going to go over how these group sessions work, quickly. This is a place to release your thoughts. You can share your story or choose just to listen to others, but know each and every one of us struggles and we pass no judgments.” Rick said reassuringly. “Do we have any volunteers?”
Cara cautiously lifted her head to see if all eyes were on her. She was relieved when a woman around her age stood up across from her. She knew it was her own head playing tricks on her, but she couldn’t help feeling like a fish in a fishbowl. When the woman stood up, all eyes were on her and not Cara.
“My name is Victoria and I am an addict.” She said and looked around the circle, making eye contact with each and every one of her peers.
A chorus of “Hello Victoria” broke out and Cara found her voice joining in with the people, welcoming the brave woman who stood before them.
“I was fifteen years old when I started using.” She admitted unashamed. “My father was abusive to both me and my mother and I turned to drugs to escape the pain I endured at home. I would grab whatever was in the medicine cabinet at first before I hooked up with a dealer. The drugs made me forget that I was broken and damaged. When I looked around at other people who came from good homes and had picture perfect families I didn’t feel so out of place, because I forgot where I came from. I lied. I cheated. I stole. And the sad part is I don’t remember half of what I did or who I hurt. I remember bits and pieces of the treacherous things I did. I remember having meaningless sex with faceless strangers. I knew I was an addict when I woke up in a dark alley. Whatever clothes I had been wearing were ripped to shreds or not, even on me anymore. I had no idea how I got there and the worse part I couldn’t blame anyone but myself. I was an addict and I was my own worst enemy.”
Cara swallowed the lump that was lodged in her throat as Victoria sat down. She quickly wiped at the tears that had escaped her eyes while listening to Victoria bravely share her story.
“Thank you, Victoria.” Rick said with a slight nod in her direction before turning and gazing around the faces in the circle. “Would anyone else like to share?”
Next to share their hardship with addiction was a young man. Cara would’ve pegged him to be barely in his twenties. He was scrawny and scruffy and stood nervously as if it were his first time sharing with the group.
“My name is Collin and I am an addict…” He said with a shaky voice. As Cara listened to him rehash his discovery of when he found out he was addicted to heroin, she began to realize that as damaged as she was, there were people around her worse off. Collin had been just nineteen years old when he succumbed to the devil that was drugs. He had been sexually abused by his stepfather and in fear of being kicked out of his home he escaped his pain with needles. He even lifted his sleeves and showed the group the track marks of the needles and the scars he had to prove he abused his veins.
When Collin was finished, he sat down and the room became silent. Cara didn’t think about why she stood up, she just did. All eyes were on her and she bit her lip nervously. Subconsciously, she traced the band of strength on her left ring finger as she met the gaze of some of the people who looked at her.
“My name is Cara and…” She took a deep breath and felt the tears form in her eyes. “I am an addict.” She whispered hoarsely. Once the words slipped from her mouth, she released a heavy breath. The words suddenly made her feel lighter. “If it’s okay, I’d rather just listen and find the strength like you all have to share my story.”
She was treated to a few nods before Rick spoke up. “Thank you Cara.” He smiled softly and with reassuring eyes told her, it was okay. She slowly slid back into her chair and continued to take it all in. Somewhere in between the cries for redemption and the confessions of guilt, she started to reflect on her own story. She began to work it out in her head, h
ow she would share the road that led her here.
Would she begin with the same sentence she told the counselor when she went for her assessment? Would she say my fiancée died or would she begin at the beginning? Jake’s dying didn’t break Cara, she realized. Maybe she was broken long before he was ever sick and she just never dealt with it. Jake had a way of making her forget her life wasn’t perfect. That was why she gravitated to him at first. He never once made her feel damaged or inadequate. He accepted her flawed and all and wound up loving her despite those flaws.
She was so consumed by her thoughts she hadn’t noticed that the group began to break up and people started to stand. The session was over and she noted that she could cross another step in her journey off her list. She rose to her feet and slowly filtered out of the room of strangers that had opened up to her.
She walked back towards her room, craving the solitude, hoping that maybe she could discover more about herself than she thought she knew. She walked down the narrow hallway that led straight to her room and stumbled for a moment, having the oddest sense of déjà vu overcome her.
She kept walking down the narrow passageway until she reached a door that had a sign on it that read “Employees Only”. She slipped her hand into her back pocket and pulled out a single key. Once she had turned the key in the lock, she opened the door and stepped inside. She wasn’t alone. She closed the door behind them. The only light illuminating the office was the screen saver of the computer. Luke turned around and his eyes met Cara’s.
She stood in front of her room, with her hand braced on the door knob. She shook her head, dismissing the thought and stepped inside her room, closing the door behind her. She began to work the buttons of the cardigan she was wearing, and wondered where the thermostat was so she could turn down the heat. It hit her again, that feeling that she was reenacting a moment in her life.
She started to undo the buttons on her shirt. “Is this what you want?”
She said through gritted teeth. “Huh?”
Luke’s eyes widened as he took a step backward. The backs of his legs hit the front of the desk as he watched her unbutton the last button. “Cara…” He warned.
She pulled her shirt off vigorously. “Everyone can see it, you know… the way you look at me.” She reached behind her unclasping her bra. She cocked her head and brought her hands in front of her. She crossed her arms at her chest as her fingertips trailed over the straps of her bra. “Like I’m some forbidden fruit.”
She gasped and fumbled with the buttons, stopping her trembling hands from finishing the task of shedding the cardigan. Why was her mind playing tricks on her? Was this another side effect? She balled her hands into fists and walked to the bed. She sat on the edge and closed her eyes, willing the craziness to stop.
“I’ll never be yours, you know.” She whispered.
“I know.” He said as he lifted his hand to touch her cheek.
“Stop!” She reprimanded herself as she ran her fingers through her hair roughly, tugging at the strands. She shook her head vigorously trying to banish the thoughts that took over her mind. What had even provoked these images, she wondered? They were so vivid, so real. She could almost feel his calloused hand on her cheek. Her body shuddered and she decided she needed to sleep. She needed to dream. In her dreams she was safe and her mind didn’t haunt her. She pulled down the comforter and crawled beneath the sheets burying her face in the pillow, praying her mind would shut down and she could succumb to sleep.
* * * * *
Luke walked into the office he shared with Nick and stopped in his tracks when he saw Nick sitting behind the desk with legs propped up on a crate. He hadn’t even heard him step into the office. Nick was too engrossed in the book he was reading. Luke squinted to read the title and had to cover his mouth to hold back the laughter. The poor bastard was reading “Fifty Shades Of Grey.”
“Your manliness just declined a bit.” Luke said, interrupting his friend.
Nick peered up from the book with an unreadable expression on his face. “Holy shit! Did you read this thing?” He said before he folded down the page he was on and threw the book onto the desk.
“No, I haven’t.” Luke said and searched the rack on the wall for the keys to the Denali he was working on. “Glad to know I’m out there busting my ass and your reading romance novels.”
“It’s not really a romance novel is it? I think it’s the bible for women.” Nick said and stood up stretching out his back.
Luke grabbed the keys he was looking for and glanced over at his partner. “Mind taking a break from…” he picked up the book. “… E.L. James and maybe doing some work?”
“I will have you know I replaced the transmission on the Silverado parked in the lot.” Nick said crossing his arms against his chest.
“Wow. This place would crumble without you.” Luke said sarcastically as he skimmed the pages of the book, raising his eyebrows once or twice.
“Sam has Mallory and Phillip coming over tonight to hang window treatments.” He rolled his eyes and cringed at the thought of fabric samples. “Why don’t you and I grab a few beers at Rudy’s?” He paused and then grinned. “Maybe Helena will be there.”
“That was your conquest, not mine.” Luke said as he dropped the book back on the desk and looked at him evenly. “By the way, tell Sam I booked the flights. Cara is flying down with me and Ava.”
Nick raised an eyebrow. “You spoke with Cara?”
Luke met his gaze. “Yeah, she called last night.” He said as he shoved one hand into his pocket. “She sounds good, despite the circumstances.”
“That’s good.” Nick said and then cocked his head to the side as he peered at Luke some more.
“What?” Luke said, feeling his scrutiny.
Nick remained still for a moment before he shook his head. “Nothing.”
“Good, then you mind doing some work around here?” Luke answered quickly before turning around and heading out of the office.
* * * * *
“Open your eyes and look at me.” He whispered gruffly. Her eyes fluttered open under his command as he drove himself back into her, her body arching in response.
Cara bolted up as the image of Luke filling her, bombarded her dreams. Her breathing was ragged as she sat upright in the bed. No way did that happen. She shook her head and took in a deep breath. Her head was all fucked up. None of that happened. She threw her legs over the side of the bed and stood up. She did not have sex with Luke. She paced the room as she combed her fingers through her hair. Then why was she dreaming she had? Why did it all seem so real? If she allowed herself to delve deeper she could describe his taste and how his arms felt wrapped around her.
She glanced over at the phone. She could call him. He would clear this all up and tell her it never happened. Hearing him say it would shut down her brain once and for all. She nodded, deciding that was exactly what she had to do. She bit her lip as she grabbed the phone, hesitating. What exactly was she going to say to him? ‘Hey Luke it’s me Cara. I’ve been dreaming we had sex. Can you just tell me that never happened? Okay, Thanks.’ She cringed. Drugs are evil.
She sighed heavily and quickly dialed his number, desperate to end the marathon her brain was running.
“Hello?” Luke answered on the third ring. There was a lot of noise coming out through his end and then suddenly it disappeared and she figured he stepped away from wherever he was. “Hello?” He repeated.
“It’s Cara.” She said in a hurry.
“Hey, everything okay?” He asked. She could hear the concern in his voice and she closed her eyes for a moment, reeling at how deep his voice actually was.
“Yes… no… I don’t know.” She stuttered and dropped her head helplessly into the palm of her free hand. “Luke, this is going to sound crazy and maybe I am crazy, but I keep getting these flashbacks and they are just so real. I can’t run from them.” She rambled nervously.
“Whoa… slow down.” Luke said calmly. �
��What flashbacks?”
“Did you and I have sex?” She blurted out the question. She let go of the breath she was holding and waited for him to laugh, because the idea was absurd, the question even more absurd. Nothing. He said nothing. “Luke?” Oh God, he probably hung up on her.
“I’m here.” He said hoarsely.
“Please just tell me I’m crazy and that I’m having hallucinations again. I promise I won’t bother you again.” She mumbled desperately.
“Yes.” He whispered.
She froze for a moment. “Yes, I’m crazy or yes, we had sex?”
* * * * *
Luke leaned against one of the cars that was parked in the parking lot of Lanza Automotive and ran his fingers roughly through his hair. He thought she’d never remember. He convinced himself that he alone would live with the memories of that night. He’d never uttered a word of the night he had her, the night he took what wasn’t his. Now she remembered, and was asking him if it was true. He could lie and tell her it never happened, but he knew that wasn’t fair.
He was scared to tell her the truth. She was so fragile. He battled his conscience until he heard her broken voice, begging him for answers.
“Luke? Please?”
“We had sex, Cara.” He said hoarsely.
“Oh my God.” She shrieked.
Fitting The Pieces (The Riverdale Series Book 3) Page 7