by Tina Maurine
How can he see me blushing when I can’t even see if he’s smiling?
He slid into bed next to me. Lying on his slide, he propped up on his elbow, and I could easily see his ruggedly-hewn face, his azure eyes twinkling as they intently watched my every move.
“So, Tessa, and I’m just throwing this out there… but for me there is no pressure in any way to do anything more than get to know one another tonight. I don’t want you to think I expect anything from you. Really, I just want to continue what we started in the Lagoon.”
His unexpected and surprisingly genuine comment made me smile.
“Now, see. That’s what I want to make you do all night long.” His sincerity made me smile even bigger.
“So, Noah, how about if we play a little game of ‘Tit for Tat’? It kind of breaks the ice and makes it a little easier to pose the hard questions.” I smirked and raised my eyebrows challengingly.
“How’s it work exactly?”
“I ask you tit, you respond with tat—hence its name—‘Tit for Tat’.”
“You ask me tit, huh? I think I’ll like this game.”
I elbowed him playfully in the ribs. He reached out, wrapping his arms around me and effectively pinned me down. The energy in the air suddenly changed; it vibrated faster. His closeness mesmerized me, and those damn blue eyes held me in their twinkling gaze. My breath caught in my throat as I inhaled. His amazing eyes glistened; pools that reflected his soul… and boy, did I want to see in.
“Shoot,” Noah challenged, pulling me from my reverie.
“Huh?” I’d forgotten it was my turn.
“Shoot—remember? The game? Ask me your first tit.” He chuckled softly; the fresh smell of Listerine floated past my nose.
I cleared my head of the Noah fog. “What is your favorite memory?”
“Do you mean while I was in the Marines, or here, or just in general?” he inquired.
“Any. Answer it however you’d like. What is your favorite memory?”
“Well, there are some things you need to discover about me on your own. I can’t give you all of my secrets, but this moment is one. This memory’s climbing the charts quickly.”
Lame. Kind of sweet, but mostly LAME. He didn’t even answer… wonder why? Red flag, red flag!
“Okay, my turn. So, Tessa, why is an amazing girl like you still single?”
I felt my lungs deflate as the air slowly escaped. “Well, without sounding too clichéd, I haven’t found the right guy.”
“But how do you know who the right guy is?”
“Come on, Noah. The same way you know when you find the right girl.” I smiled, trying to keep the mood light. It had suddenly become heavy, and even a little accusatory. There was a testy, not-so-fun vibe in the air.
“I honestly don’t know, which is why I asked you. Do you have a shopping list you check off each time you meet a guy?”
“Not really a list, but there are some things I look for. Obviously, I have to be attracted to them both physically and mentally. I think my biggest pet-peeve is stupid people or people who act like they can’t do anything on their own. You know, the super co-dependent type?”
I could see Noah nodding his head in agreement, so I continued. “Genuinely thoughtful is important to me. This is different from just being nice. Nice is great; amicable and very… vanilla, but I like thoughtful better. A thoughtful person doesn’t just say things to try to make you feel better when you have a bad day, they know you well enough to anticipate what it is you need; be it space, a back rub, or an ear. They’re intentionally thoughtful, and I value that so much more than pleasantries and insipid niceness.”
“I hadn’t thought about it like that before. Shit, Tessa, you sure make a guy think.”
“Oh yeah? What about?” My emerald green eyes looked squarely into his deep blue ones for an answer.
“I don’t know, just about stuff. You know, I spent a great deal of time in the hot zone, and a great deal of time in my own head. You pose some interesting ideas. You have a pretty unique way of looking at things is all.” He smiled and gave me a little wink.
I was glad the only light in the bus was from the moon and the spectacular light show through the windshield and skylights. Cloaked in this semi-darkness, it felt as though we were in a safe little cocoon. Safe enough to share… everything?
It just doesn’t seem right to reveal that our paths have crossed before—not until he shares something deeper.
I felt his foot reach out, searching for mine, but I discreetly pulled it back. Why is he being so vague? He’s saying shit, but not like at the Blue Lagoon. Tonight, he’s dancing all over the place, and I’m not learning anything new about him. Maybe I was just tired, but the more I thought about it, he began to really piss me off.
“Okay, I have one,” I said, probably a little snippier than I should have.
“Oh?” I could tell he was bracing himself as he pursed his lips, tension lines appearing across his forehead and at the corners of his mouth.
“Do you want me to go on?” I asked in all earnestness, because if he were feeling uncomfortable, I could just as easily go to sleep at this point.
“Sure, shoot,” he said, and gave me another half-grin.
“This evening, you said something about wishing we’d met in another time or place, or you wish it was a better time and that life was less complicated. What was that all about?”
Man, you would’ve thought that I’d stuck him with a pin the way the air hissed out of him in an exaggerated sigh.
Noah removed his arm from my side, rolled on his back, and put his hands behind his head. He just lay there for what seemed like a long time. When he finally spoke, it startled me. I jumped, now wide awake again.
“It’s pretty amazing, this thing called life. It truly is a magically fucked up maze that has so many dead ends. When you reach one, you have to retrace your life, just so you can try to move forward to reach the goal—the end, and inevitably just reach another dead-end. Then it’s a do-over all over again.”
I listened in silence.
“I’ve found those who are the most courageous are the ones without a destination. Real courage is having an affair with the unknown. Do you get what I’m saying?” he asked.
I didn’t really, but gave a nod, so he went on. “After I joined the Marines I met a woman, Pallavi Amrav. She was from a Persian family. We fell in love while I was stationed in Kuwait. I saw her every day on patrol. We only had a handful or two of stolen moments, but we were made for each other. We both felt it. We exchanged information, so we could covertly contact one another. Of course, her family would not allow her to marry an American.
Fast forward a couple of years to shortly after I got out of the Marines. I get a call from her; she’s in New York. I was in Havelock, North Carolina. It was close to MCAS Cherry Point, so I could receive lung treatments and undergo a weekly psych eval. Anyway, after her cryptic call, of course I went to see her. We had an impassioned, completely amazing month together.”
On ‘together’, Noah’s voice cracked, and I propped myself up. I wanted to see him for who he was. Really see HIM. His eyes appeared to glisten. He averted his gaze, choosing to look at the northern lights through the large windshield on which we’d neglected to slide the privacy screen. I was leaning back when he shot his eyes directly to mine. They were dark. Hurt. Seeking.
“Tessa?” It was a question, a simple one. A question that didn’t trigger my bitchiness like the ones before it. Still on his back, he propped himself up on his elbows. Our faces were now mere inches from each other’s.
“Tess… I…,” his voice broke again, and his eyes began to fill with emotion. “Tessa, I woke up early one Sunday morning. I remember the rising sun streaming through all of the large twelve and sixteen pane windows of the industrial flat Vi had. I threw on my sweats and a hoodie and ran down around the corner to the neighborhood baker for some fresh pastries and coffee to surprise her with when she awoke. I was in
such a good mood. I hadn’t felt like I needed my treatments or therapy sessions. I really felt like we’d found our groove and that life was looking up. We had talked in depth about a future together. This reality, this future with Vi… Well, it all came crashing down around me when I stepped off her lift. Vi and her… her…,” Noah’s voice trembled precariously close to the point of no return; that place where the dam breaks and one can no longer keep the harsh sobs from escaping.
As I lay there listening to Noah, my earlier pissiness melted away, and my heart thawed. I dreaded where his story was headed, even if I felt I already knew how it would end.
Noah. My poor wounded Noah…
Noah cleared his throat and once again placed his hands behind his head. “When I got off the lift, Vi and her husband were arguing. His suitcase sat by the landing, and he was still in his suit and trench coat at one of the large windows. I remember looking at Vi and her looking directly at me. She was crying, in hysterics actually, and all she did was hug herself tightly as though she were trying to hold a million little pieces together. She just shook her head at me. That was it…” His voice faded into darkness.
I turned to look at Noah. He had fallen silent, and I could see he needed a minute. I got up, excusing myself. On the way to the bathroom, I could hear giggles and other outbursts coming from the back of the bus. They’re definitely having a merrier time than we are.
All I could think was how unfair life had been for this brave soldier, one who had received no recognition for his patriotism, and found life after war discriminated against him, as it did with so many other soldiers.
Poor, poor Noah.
At the Lagoon earlier today, he told me he wandered aimlessly after getting out, looking to fill the void left when he no longer was part of something bigger than himself. Eventually, he re-enlisted and joined the only family of brothers who loved and understood him. What a tragic story that I now have a chapter in.
I made my way back to bed to see if I could gauge anything from Noah. He sat on the edge of the bed, his legs splayed. His tan skin reflected the moonlight and occasionally the brightest of the northern lights that danced across the sky. He looked ethereal, ghostly even. I turned to sit down.
“Tessa. Tess, please come here,” He demanded simply, his voice barely audible. I paused, and instead of joining him, walked from my side of the bed to his.
When I arrived beside him, his hands reached for my hips and pulled me between his legs. I looked down at him.
Sweet Noah. My poor, hurting Noah… if only you were mine…
The lump in my throat made it hard for me to swallow, let alone say anything. His eyes were swollen and red, still filled with moisture and emotion. I ran my fingers through his hair and guided his head to my stomach. I held him to me, embracing him, trying to take away some of his hurt. His arms immediately wrapped around my waist, imprisoning me. He held me captive to him, as his memory of Pallavi and that fateful morning held him.
“I turned around, got on the lift and our gaze never broke until it dropped me from her sight. We never exchanged a word. Nothing. It just… ended.”
I wasn’t sure I had heard Noah at first, as he had started talking in such a gravelly whisper. His voice gained strength as he went on. “Vi contacted me roughly nine months later to tell me I had a daughter, Suri Noa-Garren Amrav. She didn’t say where they were; I assumed they were in her posh flat in New York City with her rich husband.” He swallowed hard.
“After that, and up until this morning, I hadn’t heard from her in six years. Right before I left my apartment, Vi called to tell me that she left her husband. She wants me to come meet my daughter, and to give her another chance.” He blurted out the last sentence fast, as though afraid of it. Shaking off the sudden rush, he continued, more slowly.
“That’s actually why I came today. When Ari called and said he was putting together a trip to the Lagoon, I was hoping maybe I’d meet some nice girl. We’d all party and drink… I just wanted to feel numb. I just wanted to feel something other than pain. And then, it was you.”
I felt Noah lift his head, so I looked down.
His eyes met mine. “I met you for a second time. You’re so special. Different. I can tell you’re rare.” He reached up and placed his hand along my jaw, grazing my lip with his thumb. “I’m damaged goods, Tessa. I don’t mesh well with many people, especially not with women. I don’t really do feelings and shit that women always expect.” He shrugged, looking me squarely in the eyes, and dropped his hand. He nuzzled his head deeper against my abdomen and let out a deep sigh, his hot tortured breath burning my stomach.
In a hushed tenor, he continued, “But with you, I did. We got along, and it came easily. With you, I could be myself, and just... be. Today, at the Lagoon, there were times when I was so in the moment with you, I didn’t feel damaged or hurt; times when I didn’t think of Vi and Suri. You helped me to just be me. Not me and my shitload of problems.”
Noah stood up, never breaking the bond he had around my waist. The friction of his body sliding against mine as he stood, hitched my shirt up. His bare torso pressed against mine, his chest against my chest. His arms tightened around me as he nuzzled into my neck and continued in a throaty whisper.
“When I said I wished we’d met at another time, in another place; when I said I wished the timing were better and that life was less complicated, now you can understand why. I feel I have unfinished business with Vi. I love my daughter Suri, even though I’ve never met her, and I know that my future has Vi and Suri in it. Just what role they will play, I’m not sure. And gods be damned, I am undeniably and uncontrollably drawn to you. Quite frankly, it scares the shit out of me.”
Our eyes met, and Noah’s lips came down and paused a hair’s breadth above mine, waiting for me to answer the silent question that had been hanging in the air the entire day, and all evening. I answered as I barely lifted my chin to close the gap between our two souls. His lips melded with mine, our tongues slowly tasting each other’s before becoming more ravenous and demanding. Noah’s right hand left the small of my back and grazed it up my side before reaching my full, heavy breast.
It craved his touch. He cupped me strongly and massaged before sliding up my chest, to rest at my nape. His hand wove into my hair, using it to guide our kiss. Our tongues sparred and licked, our lips meshed and glided, composing a synchronous ballad. Our bodies swayed into one another, our spirits seeking an even closer intimacy. Our kiss… so ardent, so intense and heartfelt, left me raw, exposed… and dazed. Before we parted, our passion ebbed, and our tongues became tamer. What mere moments before had been an exciting and ravenous, deeply soul-searching kiss now felt sad. It was soft and deliberate; careful and slow. As we drew apart, our lips chilled and grew lonely. Time stood still as we looked deeply into each other’s eyes, and our foreheads burned as they rested together. This, right now, was goodbye. I could feel it. It was goodbye to the possibility of an ‘us’. I knew it, and Noah did too.
“Tessa?”
“Noah?”
“Now can you understand why I didn’t want to tell you right away? Telling you ended this before it had a chance to begin.”
“But it did begin, Noah. It began last night when we met at the club. It began even before that, when you came by the squadron on your patrols and watched me. Shoot, so much began before you found out about Vi.” My voice cracked as I shook. “Just know I’d rather find out now, rather than four months from now when my deployment ends and you tell me—or just never tell me. I’d hate to think I did something wrong. I would much rather know where this stands from the get-go.”
We stood comfortably hugging for a long, long time. Noah stepped out of the embrace and climbed onto the bed, pulling me with him. We lay down on our sides, so that while Noah’s arms encircled me, I rested my head on his bicep. I fell asleep, totally and completely enraptured by him.
16
Dear God, will you PLEASE turn the lights down?
&nbs
p; My eyes hadn’t even opened, and I felt blinded by the early morning sun piercing the mega-sized windshield and open wooden blinds across from where I lay. I rolled away from the intrusive sun, right into Noah’s strong, devastatingly perfect, and unexpectedly still-desirable chest. A slight, breathy moan escaped his lips as I brushed a single feather-light kiss to the base of his throat.
What are you doing? Jeezus, Tessa. What DID you DO last night?
I pried my eyes open, so I could assess the damages.
Oh, THANK GOD! I still have my clothes on!
Noah had lost his sweats, and I’m pretty damn sure that what I was feeling against my t-shirt clad stomach was NOT his hand. I tried to relax, so I closed my eyes and breathed in Noah’s scent. As I settled back into a peaceful half-slumber, I forced out the thought that we’d never be together. Yesterday’s conversations at the Lagoon and last night flooded back to me.
“…when I pull up, Copper bounds towards me, like there’s never been any distance or time between us.”
“Noah, that sounds like an amazing homecoming.” My eyes softened, as I heard how much sweeter his voice became talking about home. “Copper sounds like an amazing dog.”
“She really is. You know, my mom and dad got her for me on my fifteenth adoption anniversary. Hell, I was…” He paused a minute to reflect, “…I was only nineteen then. That ol’ dog is eight years old and still chases after me like she’s a pup.”
I could hear the love for her in his voice. “Adopted? Noah, I’m so sorry you went through such a hard time; I had no idea.”
An endearing smile flitted across his sensual mouth, “Shit, Tess, no reason to be sorry. Yeah, so I lost my birth day.” His eyes met mine and a rush surged through me. “Shit happens, and if you make it out, you’re all the better for it.”
His cavalier attitude impressed me—and put me at ease. “You got Copper on your fifteenth anniversary, so you were adopted at age four?” My voice hitched, and the thought of a little Noah left scared and alone about broke me. “How did you meet your adoptive parents? Did you already know them?”