PORN STARS... More Than Just Moans

by Joseph, Fabiola;L. Ramsey, Matthew

  The next day I awoke to Tyree preparing breakfast. I was surprised because I didn't even know his ass could cook, but I was quickly disappointed when I saw the restaurant containers. I knew it was too good to be true, but it was still a sweet gesture.

  “Good morning baby,” I replied and gave him a quick kiss.

  “This is a nice surprise.”

  “I thought you deserved to wake up to breakfast for a change. I would've cooked for you, but it's hard to do a lot of things with this stupid cast on my arm.”

  “Right, right.”

  He was taking full advantage of his injuries and he knew I couldn't say anything. I just had to continue catering to him; otherwise, I'd look like a dick.

  While we ate, I checked my e-mail and the first one I opened was from Mr. Visage, he cussed me out something fierce. He was pissed, and told me I was an unprofessional asshole, and that he had never been so humiliated in his life. He made sure I knew to forget about ever stepping foot on his property again. That ended my relationship with him, but I wasn’t tripping because at least I made a quick fifty g's off of him.

  Later on that afternoon, I was chilling, reading Dopefiend by Donald Goines when Jasmine called me to see if I wanted to hang out. It had been some time since I heard from her that I quickly realized how much I missed my friend. I needed my Jazzy fix because she always knows how to make me laugh and put me in a good mood. I couldn’t wait to tell her about what went down with Karma and Tyree. I wanted her honest opinion if she thought it was truly an accident or not. I knew Jasmine wouldn’t sugar coat it and would tell me if she thought they fucked or not.

  She wanted me to meet her and DeeDee at her condo, so we could have some drinks, gossip, and get high as usual. I was curious to see what happened with her and Lanell while she was in Vegas. As fine and hung as Lanell was I knew she enjoyed herself. Even though traffic was a bitch I enjoyed the ride there, I was jamming and listening to the radio. I’m not a singer but I was singing along to every song as if I was performing on stage. I had worked out, and chilled in the hot tub earlier that day so I was relaxed, but still anxious to blaze up with my girls. Jazzy and DeeDee loved and cared about me no matter what, I felt like I could be myself around them. I’m definitely not a queen, but I’m not masculine either, I’m somewhere in the middle so I fit in where I get in, which is where ever I choose to fit in.

  As soon as I walked in Jazzy gave me a big hug and held me tight. It was as if she hadn’t seen me in years and didn’t want to let go. I knew at that moment that I was missed just as much as I missed her and I could feel the love. DeeDee smiled and said, “What's up Jamar!” as she handed me a fat ass blunt, instead of giving me the hug I would've preferred; but once I saw how big and nicely rolled it was my mind drifted elsewhere. I felt like it was my birthday or a special occasion when I noticed we each had our own blunt. I was ready to get our evening started. Jazzy and I sat on the couch while DeeDee chilled on the love seat. I did the honors of lighting the candles and incense. After all, they did roll and mix the drinks. Once we all lit up and were feeling a buzz our conversations got started.

  “So what did you want to tell me?” Jazzy asked.

  I filled her in on everything, how DeeDee called me in a panic and told me Tyree was in a car accident, how I rushed to the hospital worried sick, my confrontation with Ebony, and that Tyree thought Karma ran the red light with wicked intentions.

  “Wait, are you talking about that dude I pushed into the pool at your barbeque?”

  I confirmed and went on to tell her how he had the nerve to show up at the club opening like nothing happened.

  “So what did you do?” Jazzy asked as before taking a deep pull and inhaling some more smoke.

  “What do you think I did? I stood up for my man.”

  I noticed DeeDee making a face as she looked at Jasmine.

  “What, DeeDee?” I asked.

  “Nothing, finish what you were saying.”

  I found it strange that DeeDee didn’t say what was on her mind when she’s normally the first one to tell it like it is. After I finished telling Jasmine how I pushed Karma, I handed her the picture he made for me and the fans.

  “Aww, he must really like you and you had the nerve to push that little boy. What did he do?”

  “He didn’t do anything. I think I embarrassed him and hurt his feelings. He got the hell out of there real quick.”

  “Tell Jasmine why you pushed him Jamar,” DeeDee said with a big grin on her face.

  Jasmine stopped laughing long enough to say, “He did tell me, Karma almost killed Tyree.”

  DeeDee shook her head back and forth before saying, “Nope.”

  “Oh, shit, there’s more. Tell me tell me, I can’t take it.”

  I looked at DeeDee like damn you got a big ass mouth. I was definitely going to tell Jasmine everything I was just building up to it.

  “Karma claims he and Tyree smashed in the back of Blaze’s truck right before they crashed,” I said nonchalantly since DeeDee rushed it out of me.

  “Interesting,” was all Jasmine said as she sat back on the couch and finished off her blunt before putting it out in the ashtray. She looked serious and straight ahead as if she was picturing how it all went down in her head.

  “So?” I asked anticipating her response.

  “So what?” she replied as if she didn’t already know I was waiting.

  “Do you think they fucked or not?”

  I looked Jasmine in the eye but she looked away and looked at DeeDee before they both said as if they rehearsed it.

  “Yeah, he fucked him,” they said right before they both laughed. I was sort of shocked. I knew it was a possibility and an option, but I expected my girls to make me feel better, and tell me what I had believed, which was that Karma was just trying to stir up some shit. I was sure he heard from Blaze how Tyree cheated on me in the past, and just wanted me to break up with him.

  “So just like that? You don’t even have to think about it. You think Tyree actually cheated on me again?”

  She stopped smiling and had a look of concern on her face. She reached for her blunt but remembered she finished it already and quickly pulled her hand back.

  “Jamar,” she said, then paused and took a deep breath.

  I looked at her like a confused puppy with my head tilted to the side wondering what she was trying to say.

  “I know Tyree cheated on you again. I – ”

  I cut her off and shook my head in disbelief. Tyree knew better than to fuck up again, so neither one of them was going to convince me otherwise. I quickly changed the subject.

  “So what’s been going on with you? Did you have fun in Vegas?”

  She looked at DeeDee again which gave me a strong feeling they were talking about something before I arrived and it pissed me off a little bit because I wanted to be nosey too.

  “Why don’t you roll us another round of blunts, I’ll get us some more drinks.”

  I watched Jasmine walk in her kitchen before looking over at DeeDee.

  “What’s going on? Why do you two keep looking at each other like you’re keeping secrets and shit?”

  “You’ll have to ask Jasmine when she comes back in here.”

  “Let me guess, did Lanell propose?”

  As I waited for DeeDee’s response she was saved by the bell which was Jasmine yelling for her.

  “Hey DeeDee, would you mind helping me?”

  I smiled at DeeDee as she stopped rolling before saying “You’re lucky she needs you because I was about to drill your ass with questions.”

  While Jasmine and DeeDee were making us more drinks I had to use the bathroom. All I could think about was either Lanell proposing to Jasmine, or they were drunk and crazy enough to get married while in Vegas. If she did I was going to support her but I was going to give her hell. First of all for not inviting me, second for having a tacky ass Vegas wedding, and third for rushing into marriage. They haven’t even known each other that
long. I’ve been with Tyree for two years and while I love him with all of my heart I didn’t know if I would marry him. It had nothing to do with Tyree; I just knew I wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment. When I got back to my seat Jazzy and DeeDee were already there. There was an awkward silence, but after DeeDee finished rolling our next round of blunts and we sparked up, Jasmine finally spoke up. She told me how much fun she had being with Lanell.

  “And get this, he’s buying a night club in Vegas.”

  “Shut the fuck up. When?” DeeDee asked with excitement.

  “Actually I take that back, it’s official, he bought a night club in Vegas, and guess what he’s naming it?”

  “LUST,” I blurted out.

  “Close, but naw, that’s not it. Take a guess DeeDee.”

  “What? I don’t fucking know,” she said before letting out a hearty laugh.

  “Jezebel’s!”

  “WHAT?” DeeDee asked, more like yelled.

  “Are you serious?” I asked because I thought that was the best present ever.

  “Yes, I’m so excited and I can’t wait until it opens. I’m going to be part owner, and the top earning performer. Until the club picks up business I’ll still work at the Black Oasis, but once we’re making enough money I’ll only perform at Jezebel’s. It’s only fitting since it’s named after me.”

  She didn’t have to point that out you could hear the excitement in her voice. I was happy for her. You don’t find too many men who want to buy you a night club and name it after you, well after your porn name. Jasmine went on to tell us how Lanell took her to his parents, anniversary dinner.

  “So I’m assuming his parents know what you and Lanell do for a living?” I was curious to know so I asked.

  “Hell no, how embarrassing would that have been? His fine ass brother knows though.”

  She filled us in on everything then paused to take a couple sips of her drink.

  “Guess who Jazz saw in Santa Barbara?” DeeDee asked with a you’re-not-going-to-believe-this-shit tone.

  The only person I could think of was Tyree since he was there for the weekend filming a few scenes. After I guessed, she confirmed but I could tell she was leaving something out. Since Tyree never mentioned seeing Jasmine knowing how much I missed her, I assumed they got into it. I knew Jasmine wasn’t a big fan of Tyree’s but when she said she saw him but he didn’t see her I was confused. I thought that was weird, because even if I didn’t care for Lanell, I would’ve still spoke and asked him to tell Jazzy I said hi and that I asked about her, out of respect. She continued to talk and the more she spoke the more confused I was.

  “…a pregnant girl, and he, well he, from what it looked like to me.”

  I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted her to speak up so I stood up and faced her before asking.

  “What did it look like?”

  When she said “dating” I lost it. Why the hell would Tyree date someone when he was dating me, and a pregnant girl at that? I felt in my heart that she was thinking negatively and automatically assumed the worst in Tyree. I was ready to give him the benefit of the doubt. I knew the other porn company that Tyree worked for had him working with men and women, at least that’s what he told me. He had to be hanging out with a co-star.

  I sat back down because I was convinced that’s who she was. Jasmine got up to grab her cell phone and then sat down beside me and played some videos of Tyree and this woman. I couldn’t believe it and thought my eyes were deceiving me. It had to be someone who looked like Tyree. I played the videos a few more times before reality sunk in. I felt betrayed and hurt. How could he not only cheat on me, but be stupid enough to get some bitch pregnant?

  I don’t know what it was about seeing Tyree with another woman but it hurt even worst the second time around. I think it’s because he had been lying the entire time, and because he wasn’t just fucking this chick like he was doing to Ebony. In the videos it looked like he was in love with her. The way he held her hand, looked her in the eyes, and touched her, crushed me. I wanted him to treat me and look at me like that. Don’t get me wrong there have been times far and few where I recognized that look but never out in public. I got teary eyed because I felt like Tyree rammed his hand through my chest, squeezed, twisted, and turned until he ripped my heart out, then stomped on it.

  Not only was I hurt but there were so many questions I wanted to ask. How long has this been going on? Was he sure the baby was his? Was he really planning on leaving me or was he going to continue living two lives? Did he ever truly love me? Why beg and plead for another chance if you’re just going to fuck it up again? Why not just be a man and go your own separate way. So we both can find the person we are meant to be with, without any road blocks. Then anger kicked in and I was lucky Tyree was on camera and not in front of me because I would’ve gone to jail.

  Seeing the pictures only made it worse because he was kissing her and rubbing her belly as if he was a normal, straight man. I felt like I didn’t even know him, hell I’d bet she didn’t even know Tyree. I paced the room trying to figure out the answers to my own questions. I was also trying to decide how I was going to handle the situation, and what my next move was. I couldn’t just kick him out since he paid for half of the house and his name was on the lease, but I knew right away my feelings for Tyree would never be the same. Luckily I was with my two closest friends and they helped me get through the night. We got twisted, watched some comedies, and talked about anything and everything so I wouldn’t concentrate on how devastated I really was. After thinking about it over and over all night, I finally passed out on Jasmine’s couch.

  Chapter 29

  Our bodies danced to the Devil’s music.

  I stayed in Vegas for an extra three days on my dime. Maybe I just wasn’t ready to go back to L.A. and face reality or maybe I just couldn’t bring myself to leave the town I would soon call home, I wasn’t sure why I stayed. All I did was order room service during the day, and at night I would go down to the casino, gamble away large sums of cash, and get drunk until the wee hours of the morning. Once in a while a fan would recognize me or a guy would hit on me, but other than that, nothing else really happened there.

  On the third morning of waking up with a hangover, surrounded by clothes, garbage that I had allowed to pile up, and with the same feeling of emptiness that I prayed would go away with each drink I took and every dollar I wasted, I decided it was time to go home. I had called in sick to Fantasy Pictures and told them that my vagina was still healing. Mr. Cappello told me that I could have four days off but that I had to be back in for a big interview he booked for me the following week, but I said to hell with Vegas, I needed to do other things to get over Lanell. So I flew home, spent the next day in the house and the day after that, I was back at work.

  “Happy to see you back at work, how are you feeling?” Breeze asked as he walked up behind me. I turned around and couldn’t help but smile. He was looking fly and had that smile that I missed seeing on his face.

  “Doing okay, I guess. I’m not filming any sex scene, just head and the interview, right?”

  “You don’t even have to do that if you don’t want.”

  I stopped walking and looked him dead in the face. I have never heard Breeze tell any of his actors that they didn’t have to do something just because they didn’t feel like it. He must have been having a hell of a day to make that suggestion. I looked at him and tried to see the Breeze that once was there, the man that turned me out and kept me going. He used to be such a man, THEE man to me. But now, for some reason, I just couldn’t see past the man he had become, and I use the term man very loosely.

  “No, it’s just, well, I know that you may not be one hundred percent with all that went down and—.”

  “And what exactly are you saying went down?” I couldn’t help but ask. I wanted to see if he was now able to realize what that crazy bitch did to me, on purpose. I stared him down with piercing eyes, and for the first time, he looke
d away first. Guess he couldn’t look at me for too long without reality setting in, guess the truth was hard to face.

  “Well, you know, the Tanya thing, it looked painful and I don’t want you to feel like you have to rush back to work for me, I know that you need time to heal.”

  “That Tanya thing?” Guess he still couldn’t say it, what a shame.

  “Love the show you put on the other night, you really have stepped up your game since the first couple of times, huh? Looks like you’re really going to do well at the Black Oasis.”

  Just the mere mention of the Black Oasis brought me back to the last time there, it depressed me deeply and I didn’t want Breeze to see it.

  “Well, I couldn’t be your little Jasmine forever could I? Time here, doing what I do, it teaches you a lot, and I guess working the pole like a pro is one of them,” I said with a light chuckle. Never let them see you down, that’s what I was going for. We just stood there, him looking at what used to be, wishing that he was smart enough to have made the right choices. As for me, I was just lost, hurt and feeling the loneliness that occupied my bed. I was starting to learn that I was one of those people who couldn’t stand her own company for too long. It gave me too much time to think about the should of, could of or would of’s, and I needed that like I needed a hole in my head.