I slowly pull my lips from his cheek as he drives, and he turns to face me before I’ve moved back to my spot in his truck.
“What was that for?”
“For my lesson in compassion,” I whisper.
I can tell he wants more in this moment. I also know he’s at a crossroad—car accident or kiss because I would give him the best kiss I have in me. The only kiss that I’ve been somehow setting aside for only him. A kiss I didn’t know I had. I know how he feels about his work, and I’d never put him in a place where he had to make a decision between giving me what I needed and his work, so I move quickly back to my side of the truck.
“I’m staying at your place tonight.” He doesn’t ask. It’s an instruction. It’s a fair warning. Eli turns right. “I’m sleeping in your bed with you. You won’t have clothes on. I won’t either. Whether we make love or not, I don’t give a shit.”
“Okay. What about panties?”
“Prohibited.”
It’s late when we pull in the driveway of the Malcomb Place. We grabbed lobster rolls from Brock’s in town. But I can’t focus on food. The only thing I can manage to focus on is Eli touching me in places I ache to be touched.
We set down the food, and Eli directs Rookie to his bed.
“I need to do book research,” I say.
Eli stops and cocks his head. “Oh, all right. No problem. I’ll get our plates ready.” He’s still in uniform.
“You’ll want to change, Eli, into something more comfortable.” I can tell he’s caught off guard by my forwardness.
“Will do.”
But he has no idea what I’m about to do.
I go into the bedroom and take the clothes off from the day. I jump in the shower and wash my body and my hair. I put on the little black dress that Bryce sent me with a note that said, Lucky.
Without panties and a bra, I slide on the skintight dress. I brush my wet hair and put some lip gloss on.
I left the door open to the bedroom just off the kitchen, hoping Eli would steal glances. He casually has every so often.
Leaning in the door of the bedroom, facing the kitchen, I watch as his mouth drops. He’s changed into a T-shirt and jeans, sitting at the bar. At first, he can’t say anything.
He coughs. “I thought you said you had to do book research.”
“Oh, I did.” I walk toward him. “Very important book research.”
Eli’s on the barstool.
“I need to know what it’s like to be toyed with in a room full of people.”
Eli looks around. Rookie is passed out on his bed.
“There’s no one here.”
His hand slides up the backless dress as I stand between his legs. He’s staring up at me as I keep my body close to his.
“I know. I want you to pretend. What would you do to me right now if we were in a room full of people? Would you be casual? Subtle? Would you take me to the restroom?”
Eli sighs, drops his head, and lets out a slow, throaty chuckle. He stands, takes my hand, and leads me to the dining room table. “Sit.”
I do.
He dims the light in the kitchen and lights a fire. “We’re in a bar,” he says as he sits down next to me. “I’ve taken you someplace quiet, to a booth in a dark corner. People are chatting loudly. Some are dancing to the stale music on the jukebox.”
We’re facing a wall of windows, and the light is dim enough to where we can barely see our faces.
“There are people we don’t know sitting with us, but all I can focus on is you.”
I feel his hand slide up my thigh. The throbbing between my legs grows. Gently, he pushes my legs apart, and I let them hang on each side of the chair, so he has full access to whatever he needs. They’re spread so far apart, I can feel the coolness against my middle.
“Do you have panties on?”
“No.”
He leans into my hair and moans.
I feel my nipples grow hard.
His arm goes around the back of my chair, so his body is open to mine. “I want you to lean forward, keeping your legs nice and wide.”
His finger teases the inside of my thigh. So badly, I want him to touch my middle, so I lean forward more so that my sex is almost flush with the chair.
“See that lady over there? She probably wants to know what I’m about to do to you right now,” he whispers into my hair. “But you have to be still, Ms. Fisher.”
But I can’t speak.
I feel his fingertips brush through the little hair that exists, protecting my space.
I pant. “What if I want her to know? What if I want her to know that you’re mine and that you’re marking your territory?” I look him in the eye just as one of his fingers spreads my middle apart.
“Oh my God. You’re so wet, Alex.”
I close my eyes and thrust my hips forward.
“No. Eyes open.”
My eyes flutter open while I try to maintain my coolness.
“Eyes on me.” He takes one finger and puts it flush with the chair next to my opening.
He doesn’t have to ask me to move; I just do.
I feel it against my spot as I move my hips back and forth. It’s as soft or as hard as I want it to be. He’s still staring at me, and all of this feels too good.
“Lean back,” he says.
I do.
He slides his fingers inside me. “Don’t make faces. You don’t want anyone to know that I have my fingers inside you right now.”
I pull his face to mine and give him my mouth. His lips are shaking, so I know he feels this, too.
His fingers move.
I clench against them.
“Oh my God,” he whispers against my ear.
“Shh. You don’t want her to see,” I pant inside his mouth.
“Let’s go in the restroom.”
Eli slides his fingers out of me, and we stand. I pull my dress down, light-headed and tender between my legs.
Our bodies are flush against each other, his front to my back. My nipples are hard. Behind me I reach and take his length in my hand.
“Your pants are still on.” This time, I say as I push against it.
I lead him to the spare bathroom, but he stops.
“What?”
He reaches around and cups my breasts with his hands through the dress. Eli inches me toward the wall and pulls the back of my dress up to expose my bare behind, and I bend over slightly, so he can see all of me.
Eli pulls me back to a standing position and takes my mouth in his from behind. His tongue and my tongue match push for push. My knees grow weak.
With a quick tug, his pants are pooled at his feet, and I feel all of him. Loud, pronounced.
“Please,” I beg.
Reluctantly, I pull away from his lips and put both my hands against the wall as I spread my legs.
Eli grabs a package from his pocket, and I hear him unwrap it.
My middle feels heavy in the best way possible. I yearn for him.
“People will see.” I look to the audience that doesn’t really exist.
“Let them,” he whispers as he grabs my shoulders.
I feel his length slide through my legs and to my opening, touching my hot spot once, twice, three times, not inside me yet.
“Eli.” My voice hitches. I say his name not as a question, but as a strong statement.
I push my behind up, so he can fully take me.
“Is this okay?” He pushes through to my hot spot again.
I can’t speak. I want to, but I can’t. Eli stops.
“Alex?” His voice is heavy.
“Please. I need you inside me.”
Then, I touch down between my legs and put the head of his length inside me. I call out as he pushes.
“Oh, fuck.” I feel him flush against me, knowing he’s all the way in.
He pulls out and pushes in and pulls out and pushes in. “Alex, fuck,” he hisses.
I need more of him, so with as much strength as I
can muster, I ease him out, take his hand, and lead him to the bedroom because this isn’t enough.
I climb on the bed and throw myself down. “Come here.”
Eli eases himself down, knowing he needs to slow down. He puts his mouth on my thigh. “Close your eyes,” he says.
I do as my legs fall apart.
Gently, he pulls back the lips that protects my soft spot and pushes his tongue against my center. At first, it’s soft, and I’m not sure I can contain myself. Then, he grows harder with his need. He takes all of me in his mouth. I grab a pillow and put it over my face and scream his name. Again, he pushes his tongue firmly against me, this time faster. I pull the pillow away, breathless, because, now, I need to watch what he’s doing. I sit up on my elbows and watch as he takes me in his mouth.
“Are you hard, Eli?”
He hums in me.
Holy fucking shit.
“I want you to come in my mouth, Alex. Please.”
“Noooo,” I groan again, still watching, taking his head in my hands as if I have control over the situation.
With a small piece of self-control I didn’t know I had, I pull his mouth from my heat and put it to mine. I take what he’ll give me as I grab his hardness and put the tip of it inside me.
He pushes three times.
“Wait,” I say. “I want it off—the condom. I’m on the pill.”
I slide off the condom, and he drops his head to my breasts, panting.
“Are you sure?” His eyes are now on me, heavy and wanting.
I get up on all fours and grab the headboard. I bend and spread, so he can have full access to me. “Yes.”
He’s behind me. He takes his finger and rubs it across my heat. My hand helps to guide him inside.
“Alex, you’re so wet.”
He thrusts inside me, grabbing my breasts and sliding in and out. His fingers do their job up front, and I’m not sure how much more I can take.
“Eli!” I scream.
We’re in rhythm, and the sound we make when our bodies collide is nothing short of remarkable.
“Fucking, Eli!” I call out, thrusting hard against him.
“Oh God.”
He flips me over and pushes back inside me. “Two things I need to see: you come and me making you come.”
I watch as he slides in and out of me. “Do you like watching?”
“Yes,” he hisses, his eyes watching our movement.
He pushes inside me two more times.
“I’m coming now.” My voice is not my own, weak and feeble. And I do. I let go and see stars and the moon and sunshine and everything pink.
He calls out hard and deep as he takes one last push.
I feel him pulsate inside me, and then he drops next to me.
There’s a long silence between us—on my part because of what just happened. I try to wrap my head around it. It’s astonishing what you’ll say, do, in the heat of the moment. But, when that moment passes, the embarrassment waits until reality catches up and smacks you in the face.
Oh God. Did I say too much? Do too much? Will this make it awkward now? We role-played. I said things. Did things.
My face grows red.
Eli pulls my hair back and leans over so that he can see my face. “Can we do that again?”
I smile. “Absolutely.”
Because the heat of the moment is back.
Nineteen
Eli
October 18, 2017
“She’s leaving, E. All I’m saying is, don’t get attached.”
It’s too late, I want to tell Merit. But I don’t.
The mind-blowing sex we had was just a byproduct of a beautiful woman and a man doing what was natural. But Merit’s words sear into the back of my mind. Alex has to leave. She has a house in California. A life I’m not part of. Family. She came to Maine to do a job. She’s doing it.
Merit laughs in my face.
“What’s so funny?” I ask in just a bit more than a whisper so that Dad can finish the nightly news in peace.
We’re in the kitchen.
“Eli, that’s the biggest crock of shit. I could tell the morning I walked into that hospital that Alex was something more. I’ll tell you this; I like Alex. I like her a lot more than I did Grace.” She takes a sip of her beer.
“Mer, stop with the Grace shit already.”
“You and I will never see eye-to-eye on her. I can live with that. But when are you going to let go?” Merit has always been able to ask the tough questions, even when we were kids. She always fed me the truth, even when it was hard for her. Protective she is of her little brother.
“Filed the divorce papers on Monday.”
“Shut up.” A grin starts to spread across her face. A giddy look about her changes her features.
We’ve been accused of being twins. Though I’m taller now, much taller. But she isn’t short by any means, standing at five foot eleven. She keeps her long blonde hair tied up in a bun, and our eyes and facial features are almost identical. She still has a brush of freckles that dust her nose and cheeks, and it’s faint in the winter, more predominant in the summer.
“This calls for a celebration!” Her smile dies down, her excitement more contained. “I’m kidding,” she sighs. “I’m sorry, E. I know how hard that was for you, but I also think it’s the right thing to do.”
“I know.”
“Have you told Alex about Grace?”
“No. I need to. I will. I just need some time.”
“See! So much for not attached! I knew it! You really like her.”
“You sound like Ryan.”
Merit’s back stiffens. Her lips tighten as she tries to casually put the bottle to her lips again.
Her phone begins to vibrate and move across the kitchen table. I look, and Ryan’s name slides across the screen.
“Why is Ryan calling you? You hate him.”
I see the panic that starts to move from her eyes to her mouth. She hits Ignore. “Some study he wants done at Rangeley Lake. Wants me to do it while I’m home.” Merit waves it off, but the look on her face doesn’t fade.
I don’t buy it. I’ve never asked too many questions about it. And that’s the difference between Merit and me. She’s always willing to give unsolicited advice. I’d rather ride it out and see how it goes.
“Hey, you two. Come in here. Unusual snowstorm moving in,” Pop calls from the living room.
Merit, Pop, and I watch the Portland weatherman talk about a huge storm that’s moving in off the coast and supposed to make landfall by Friday night.
Work will be a mess.
We’re supposed to go to Boston tomorrow by train, but Alex doesn’t know about it.
My cell phone rings. It’s Ryan.
“Young.”
“You’re not going to believe who just walked into the State Police station.”
“Who?” I put my hand on my hip.
“John and Eileen Richardson. They want to file a missing persons report. We need to get down there, stat.”
“Leaving my dad’s now.”
“Is Merit there?” Ryan asks, as if he doesn’t want to ask the question, but he can’t help it.
I look to Merit, whose eyes are burning a hole in the side of my head. “Yeah, she’s here.”
There’s silence on the other end.
“Pick me up at my house?” he asks without another word about it.
We hang up, and I kiss Merit on the head and give Pop a hug. I call Rookie off his bed.
“He can stay here, Eli.” My dad carefully walks over to him, bends over, and gives him a good rub as Rookie rolls to his back.
“Pop, you’re not supposed to do that,” Merit sighs and gives me the that’s-your-father look.
“What? Bend over or pet the dog?” Pop chuckles as he stands. He knows what Merit means.
“Yeah, okay. I’ll pick him up after we get back.”
Merit’s eyes dart to me. She doesn’t have to ask the question. “Yeah,
the mutilation case. Long story.”
“Heard about that.” Merit walks me to the door. “Be safe, little brother.”
Out at my truck, I call Alex and explain to her what’s going on. I tell her I’ll be to her place late tonight and that I’ll send a unit over until I get there.
“Eli, I’m fine. I have a dull butter knife sitting next to me.”
“Your words are not funny, Alexandra.”
“I know.”
I bet she’s biting her lip right now.
I hear a rushed sigh on her end. As if she’s got something to get off her chest or she’ll burst. “The ocean is vast, Eli. It’s deep, cold. But there are moments when the sea is at peace. When the day is calm and the water is like glass and it calls your name. At the surface of the water, it’s loud, chaotic. But, at the bottom, where we’re at right now, it’s quiet. Absolutely nothing else matters. Someone you’ve never seen before exists, never imagined exists. Someone you’ve never met—until now. Until this exact moment when you lay eyes on him, and you know it’s the moment. The moment where two worlds collide and everything wrong in the world becomes right. You question what you see through a small piece of reality. Is this how the story ends?” Alex sighs. “I know this is a totally messed up metaphor, but, Eli, I was at the top of the ocean for a really long time. I feel, right now, that I’ve met you in this beautiful place, and it’s perfect. I’ve found you. And I’m not sure what that means. But, eventually, I have to go back to the surface, to California.”
I tell her what she needs to hear because that will make it easiest for her even though my heart just met my feet. I know an absolute truth about life, that all good things come to an end. What I don’t tell her is what I want her to do: Stay. Love me. What I don’t tell her is what I want her to know: I’ll give you the future you want, the ending of the story. I want the rest of your tomorrows. I could survive on your yesterdays if that gives me one more moment of today. But saying all this will make it messy. It will make the decision to leave even harder.
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