And Then You Fall (Crested Butte Series)

by Heather A Buchman

  “We can’t get past this can we?” He ventured.

  “No,” she whispered. “I don’t think we can.”

  “Is what I’ve told you so hard to accept? It is so hard to think that I may have done all that yet am still a good man?”

  “That isn’t it.”

  “What is it then?”

  “You are a very good man, that I’m sure of. But I’m also sure that I am not the woman for you. As much as you think I might be, I know in my heart I’m not. I know it now more than I did before.”

  She was rejecting him. He’d say it was unexpected, but he’d be lying. If he hadn’t thought she might, it wouldn’t have been so important for him to tell her the whole story. He didn’t want any secrets between them, no lies, not even lies of omission. It was the risk he had to take, he’d done it, and now he had to face the consequences.

  “Do you want me to take you home?”

  “I think it would be best if you took me to Gunnison. I can take a commercial flight from there.”

  “You don’t even want me to fly you home.” It wasn’t a question.

  ***

  The thing that Ben struggled with more than anything was that deep in his soul, he believed that he and Liv were meant to be together. There was no denying that she had completely shut down, shut off, shut him out. But he couldn’t let go of his belief that they belonged together.

  The ride to Gunnison had been one of the worst of his life. Everything about Liv was closed to him, and he had no idea how to break through the wall that went up the moment he finished his story.

  She started to argue with him when he insisted on paying for her plane ticket, but arguing meant you had to show some emotion, you had to care about a person to argue with them.

  When the ticket agent handed her the boarding pass, Liv turned and took Ben’s hand in hers. “I wish you all the best in life Ben. I wish love and happiness for you. You deserve it, more than anyone I’ve ever known.”

  He just stared at her. She was talking to him as though he was a total stranger. As though she was a caregiver wishing her ward the best as he took his leave.

  “You can’t be serious? That is what you have to say to me, after these last few weeks. That’s it?”

  “Please don’t do this. I don’t know what brought us together, but I don’t believe it was the proper alignment of stars like you do. You and I were attracted to each other sexually, and we acted on it. And yes, it was wonderful, it was spectacular. But don’t make more of it than that.”

  He turned away from her and started to walk away, but stopped. When he turned back, she said, “You will meet the woman you are meant to be with, and she will be all that you need. She will love you for who you are and she will be supportive of you. She’ll be strong enough for you to lean on, but she will not be safe. You deserve so much more than safe. Go out and find it Ben. And be happy.”

  ***

  The words kept playing over and over in his head. She will be strong enough for you to lean on, but she will not be safe. What did she mean? It had to mean that she didn’t see herself as that person.

  Did that mean she believed she was weak? And what did she mean bysafe?There was a key in those last words she spoke to him. Something that he should understand, and when he figured it out, he’d be able to convince her how wrong she was.

  Chapter 12

  Paige knew damn well there was a lot more to the story than Liv was telling. She was acting as if everything was fine, they’d had a wonderful time. Ben was such a great guy. Bullshit. Paige knew something was up but Liv was determined not to talk about it.

  “I still don’t understand why you’re back so quickly?”

  “Busy lives Paige, busy lives.”

  “And he didn’t fly you back. I don’t understand that either.”

  “We just weren’t as compatible as he thought we were once he got me there. Or maybe once the challenge wore off, his interest level dropped. It’s what I expected all along Paige. It was a fling, a great one. And now it’s over. Maybe I should write a book about it, changing the names to protect the innocent, of course.”

  Paige was determined to get to the bottom of whatever it was that was going on. The biggest dilemma she had was whether she had any right to call Ben and ask him. It was one of the those do or die decisions. Did she put her nose in where it didn’t belong? What would happen if she did? Would Liv and Ben work through whatever was going on and end up together? Or, would she make a complete fool out of herself if it ended up that everything Liv was telling her was true? She had no idea.

  She’d have to talk to Mark about it later.

  ***

  Liv got it. Completely. Some people were meant to be alone, and she was one of them. Love had come into her life once, briefly, and then it was taken away.

  There was a reason that she’d stayed alone all these years, it was because that is how it was meant to be. Even the bear crossing her path, if she’d been paying attention, she would have seen it for the sign it really was. Her time for silence and solitude wasn’t at an end, neither was her time for reflection and self-understanding, because she hadn’t gotten it.

  From the moment she’d met him, she had been running from Ben, and it wasn’t just because she was trying to protect herself. Her instincts were telling her that she wasn’t right for him. Only she’d refused to listen.

  And while she didn’t blame Paige, the truth was that if Paige hadn’t pushed, Liv would never have gone to see Ben in Crested Butte. Their fling as she kept referring to it, would’ve died a very natural death, rather than being forced like it was this morning.

  She’d gotten all caught up in the attention Ben lavished on her. She’d been seduced by it. Sure, she wanted him to find her attractive, she loved that he wanted her, that he chased her. But she’d known all along that she was nowhere near as interesting as Ben thought she was. What she knew, that he wasn’t willing to admit, was that he was used to getting everything he wanted, and his attraction to her was more about her not giving in to him as anything else.

  The same would’ve been true with Scott, had he lived. The truth was she was a shell of a person. She didn’t have big, bold life experiences like Ben had. She had a little, tiny risk-free life.

  The one thing, the only thing, she’d ever wanted to do in her life, she’d never done. She’d never even tried. She hid behind the excuse that she was too busy being a mom. She wouldn’t trade being Renie’s mother for anything in the world, but even she recognized her mother’s shortcomings. What had Renie said that night?

  I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings. It isn’t as though you’re always miserable or anything, but . . . you’re not always happy either.

  It wasn’t as though she was miserable, but she wasn’t happy either. She was ashell. She had no passion in her life. She’d lived her entire life without ever really being in it. Once her daughter was born, everything became about Renie. Liv was a mother. That was it. And that’s what she remained. Every decision she made was still based on where Renie was at the time, what she needed, or what she was doing.

  Paige had said it too. She was doing nothing more than waiting around to die. And it might be a very long time before she did, so she’d better find something to live for, something for herself.

  She knew just who she needed to talk to. Liv saddled up Micah and took off a breakneck pace. When she got to the Patterson’s she prayed Dottie was home. She needed to talk to her now. Right now.

  “Hey-o,” she shouted out when she walked in the back door.

  “In here,” Dottie shouted back from the kitchen.

  “How come you’re always in the kitchen when I come over?”

  “Oh there’s my sweet girl! How are you Liv? I have missed you something awful.”

  “Dottie, I have something really important to talk to you about. You may think I’m crazy, but there’s something I want to do and I want you to help me with it.”

  Dottie listened as Liv spe
lled out her plans. “I know just the person you need to go see,” Dottie said. She got up from the table, walked over to her desk and pulled out her address book.

  “Her name is Jolene Berger, and she’ll tell you everything you need to know. You may have to go to Oklahoma for a spell, but it’ll be worth it in the long run.”

  “I’m going to have to hire someone to work the boarding stables while I’m gone too.”

  “I know just the fella. Wait for a minute and I’ll give you his number too before you leave.”

  Liv rode Micah home, and went into the house to call Renie. Her daughter would be disappointed but this was something Liv had to do.

  “Hey honey, how are you?” Liv said when Renie picked up.

  “Good Mom, how are you?”

  “I’m fine. You sound tired.”

  “Finals. Ugh. Two more weeks, I can’t wait to be finished and on my way home . . .”

  “Listen, that’s what I’m calling about. I have to cancel our trip to Europe.”

  Silence.

  “Renie? Are you there?”

  “Mom, is this about Ben?”

  “No, honey. That’s over now. And before you say anything, I’m fine. I had a really great time with him. It was an adventure I’m glad I got to go on.”

  “Mom, are you okay? You’re not sick, are you?”

  “No honey, and I’m sorry if I scared you. But there is something that I have to do. It’ll mean I have to be away from home for awhile and I can’t afford the time away to go to Europe and do this.”

  “Okay . . . you’re being awfully cryptic.”

  “We’ll talk more about it when you get home in a couple weeks. That is if you’re still coming home.”

  “Where else would I go Mom? I mean, is it okay if I come home?”

  “Of course it is, I just want you to know you don’t have to. If you’re coming home just for me, don’t. If there’s something you really want to do, you should go and do it.”

  “All right crazy person. Whoever you are, can you please ask my mom to call me when you see her again?”

  Liv laughed. “I miss you sweetie, and I can’t wait to see you. Oh, and I hope you’re not too disappointed about our vacation.”

  “No, but I would like to know more about what happened with you and Ben. Maybe we can talk about that when I see you too.”

  Liv didn’t answer her daughter, but they would not be talking about Ben. Not next week, not ever. That chapter of her life was closed.

  ***

  “Can I go with you?” Renie asked when her mother sat her down and told her what she was going to do.

  “Of course you can, but it isn’t going to be very exciting. I have a lot of hard work ahead of me.”

  “Maybe I can help. There’s something else I want to talk to you about. Something about school.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I’ve been considering this for a long time, and what you’re doing has influenced me a little. Not a lot, just a little.”

  “And? What are you going to do?”

  “I’m going to transfer to Colorado State University’s College of Veterinary Medicine. Next year.”

  “You are?”

  “I’m not cut out to be a people doc Mom.”

  Renie had been on a biomedical track at Dartmouth, but had always seemed a bit ambivalent about what she might do with it. She wondered for a while if her daughter would take a couple of years off before she continued with the graduate portion of her education, and decide what she really wanted to do with her life.

  “Large animal vet, huh?”

  “It’s what I’m meant to be Mom. It’s so obvious really.”

  “Have you started the transfer process?”

  “It’s actually done. Which is one of the reasons I was so adamant about coming home this week. I need to go to Fort Collins and complete some of the paperwork. I can do that tomorrow, and we can still leave for Oklahoma the day after.”

  ***

  More than anything Ben wanted to cancel the show in Denver, but it sold out three hours after the tickets went on sale. It was the last place he wanted to be, but he didn’t have a choice.

  He was sitting in the dressing room when Jimmy came in. “There’s someone here to see you. Remember that woman from Las Vegas, Paige? She’s here.”

  Ben’s heart stopped for a minute, then fell. “You can tell her she can come back.”

  “Hey,” he said, standing to greet Paige and give her a hug. Mark was with her. “How have you guys been? Glad you could make it to the show.”

  He tried to sound enthusiastic, but his heart wasn’t in it. He hoped they couldn’t tell.

  Mark was making small talk, but Paige looked antsy. He knew there was something she wanted to say to him.

  “Spill Paige,” he finally said.

  Paige looked at Mark. “Go ahead, you’re going to do it whether I think it’s a good idea or not.”

  “It’s about Liv.”

  “I kind of figured that. Is she enjoying Europe?”

  “She didn’t go.”

  Ben sat back down. “Why not?”

  “She’s in Oklahoma.”

  “Paige, no offense, but can you get to the point? You’re killing me here. Liv didn’t go to Europe, she’s in Oklahoma, none of this makes sense. Just tell me for fuck’s sake.”

  “Before I do, tell me what happened between the two of you.”

  “Oh my God,” Mark groaned. “Are you really going to go there? He’s supposed to be on stage in less than an hour.”

  “She dumped me. How’s that for putting it in a nutshell? I told her some stuff about my past that she couldn’t deal with and she dumped me. And that’s the end of the story.”

  Paige walked to the other side of the small room, and walked back. “That isn’t Liv.”

  “I didn’t think so either. Guess we’re both wrong.”

  “No, neither one of us is wrong. There’s more to this, but I haven’t been able to put my finger on it yet. What did she say?”

  “She said a lot, but the part that stuck with me was that she hoped I found a woman strong enough for me to lean on, someone who wasn’t safe.”

  Ben would give a million bucks, on the spot, to know what Paige was thinking. And somehow he knew she wasn’t going to tell him yet. And he said so. “You aren’t going to tell me, are you?”

  “What?”

  “Where she is, what she’s doing, why you think we’re not wrong about her. You’re gonna leave me hanging, right before a show. Aren’t you?”

  Ben looked at Mark. “She is, isn’t she?”

  Mark nodded his head.

  “I’m thinking,” said Paige. “Come on Mark, there’s something we need to do.”

  “Are we staying for the show at least? And if you’re not, can I please stay and get a ride home with someone else? I’ll even take a cab home.”

  “No, I need your help. You have to go with me. Sorry Ben. I’ll be in touch.”

  “Nooo,” he heard Mark pleading as she dragged him away.

  ***

  Racing legend Mary Beth Wagner agreed to train Micah, while Jolene Berger trained Liv. No one Liv had spoken to thought forty was too old to start barrel racing. Jolene in particular, who’d won nine world title championships in her career, the last when she was fifty-eight. And barrel racing did not have age classifications. Jolene competed against eighteen-year-olds, twenty-six-year-olds, fifty-year-olds and everything in between.

  “There’s a lot more to barrel racing than people think,” Jolene told her. “It’s all about making sure your horse picks up his shoulder around the turn. Making sure you have control of the horse’s poll, neck, shoulder, barrel, and hind end. You’re a good solid rider. What you need to do now is be a sponge, squeeze every bit of knowledge you can out of the horse you’re gonna train on, then shower it on Micah when he’s ready.”

  Liv and Micah started training and when they did, Liv tried her hardest to put everything
and everyone else, out of her head.

  Chapter 13

  “No, no, no,” Jolene yelled at her. “You’re not focusing. You need to blast back home. Micah feels it. Where is your self-confidence today? Come on, do it again.”

  “Whaddaya think?” Mary Beth asked Jolene.

  “She’s got it in her. There are just days she doesn’t feel it in herself. She knows that horse, no question about it. They have a strong connection, Micah feels her and she feels him. It’s her head that’s given her trouble.”

  “Let’s get her in the game.”

  “You think she’s ready?”

  “She’s more ready than she knows. This’ll show her. That’s the only piece she’s missing as far as I see it, enough confidence in herself. She’s almost all the way there and then somethin’ makes her get back in her head.”

  “I’ll get her into Woodward. The people are friendly and it has real good ground condition.”

  “Yep, that’ll be the perfect start for our Livvie.” Bill Patterson drove down the day before with Dottie to check on Liv’s progress. He was astounded by what he saw. He was willing to wager anyone who would take the bet that she’d finish in the top three at this rodeo, and she’d be in the money.

  He’d known Jolene Berger almost all his life. Dottie had been a bridesmaid in Jolene’s wedding to Larry. And Larry was the best farrier Bill knew. Dottie did good getting their girl set up with these folks. He was as proud of her as he was of Livvie.

  ***

  “What’s goin’ on in that sweet head of yours darlin’ girl?” Dottie asked her as she cooled Micah down.

  “I dunno. Not on my game today I guess. I’m missin’ Renie. Paige texted, wants to come see me. Too many distractions.”

  “I hope you aren’t countin’ Bill and me as a distraction. I’d hate to think we’re the reason you can’t get your focus.”

  Liv laughed then let Dottie enfold her in one of her big hugs. “No, not you and Bill, not ever. I don’t know how to thank you for this Dottie. It’s because of you that I’m doin’ this.”