Mark’s eyes were bloodshot and his hands were in his pockets.
No, no, no. Ben went dizzy and brushed against his father. “Tell me,” he managed to say.
“She’s critical.”
Liv was in the intensive care unit, Renie was with her. There were tubes everywhere, machines hooked up to her. Ben put his head in his hands and started to cry.
“Stop that,” Paige barked at him, then softened her tone. “She’s going to get through this.”
Ben’s arms ached with the need to go and hold her. Renie’s head came up when she saw him and she came out.
“Go ahead,” she murmured. “I’ll tell you more after you’ve seen her.”
Ben knew he was putting one foot in front of the other, he could even see himself moving forward, but the walk to her bedside felt like the longest of his life.
There was a metal device on her head, with screws that looked as though they were going into her skull. Her face had marks on the side of it, scrapes and cuts. A machine did her breathing for her. Ben leaned over and kissed her forehead, sat down and started to talk.
He talked, and talked, and talked. He told her every single detail about the show the night before, in Chicago.
He told her which songs had been crowd favorites and which ones he’d chosen to do for encores. He asked her about her race, and about what happened. It was the same conversation he would’ve had with her if they had talked last night. Except she wasn’t answering him.
Ben told her that he was going to play “And Then You Fall,” last night, but he’d decided that the first time he played that song, her song, he wanted her in the audience, so he waited. That was when he broke down.
Paige came in and put her arms around his shoulder. “Come with me Ben.” And she ushered him out of the room. Mark stepped forward, put his hand on Ben’s arm, and walked away from the ICU.
Ben sat, head in his hands and cried. He found her, his reason for living. What if he lost her now? Would he lose himself too?
“She’s gonna be okay.” That simple statement from Mark brought him back. What was he doing, letting go of her already?
Ben turned and looked at him.
“No one else is letting go of Liv. If you are, then you probably shouldn’t be here.”
“What do you mean?”
“When you are with her, you need to let her know that you believe she’s going to be okay. She lived. She’s gonna be okay.”
Mark was right. He’d only been thinking of himself. And that was exactly what Liv would say if she could talk to him right now. She’d say, “This is about me, not about you.”
“Paige can tell you what the doctors said, if you’re ready to hear it.”
Paige told Ben the doctors had two treatment options. They could keep Liv in traction for twelve weeks, to see if her neck injury would heal on its own. Or, they could perform surgery. With surgery, the risk was significant. There was a chance Liv wouldn’t survive it.
They wouldn’t do anything, however, until they determined the reason for her coma. There was nothing on the MRI indicating why she wasn’t conscious.
“They want us to keep talking to her. She may be able to hear us, know we’re here. Before you go back in, I want to talk to you about the tour,” said Paige.
“What about it?”
“You need to get back to it.”
“What? No. You’ve gotta be kidding.”
“If there is any change in her condition, we’ll let you know. But Ben, you’ve got sold out shows, a band and a crew depending on you.”
No. Paige was wrong. He wouldn’t even consider leaving. If the doctors didn’t know why she wasn’t conscious, that meant that she could wake up any time. He would be here when she did.
Bud found them a place to stay for the night, not far from the hospital and rented a car. He came upstairs around five to see if he could get Ben to go get something to eat. He was sure his son hadn’t eaten since the day before. Mark came out and found him in the waiting room.
“How is she?”
“No change.”
“How’s my boy?”
“In pretty bad shape. Paige is going to try to get him to go back out to the tour. Do you know exactly how many concerts they’ve canceled so far?”
“Tonight’s, and they didn’t have a show scheduled tomorrow night.”
“Something happened at the arena, right after Liv’s accident. There was a close family friend who happened to be competing in another event who saw what happened, and was with Liv while the medical team waited for the ambulance to get there. Liv was conscious.”
“And?”
“She told Billy, that’s the friend, not to let Ben know what happened. And then she asked him not to let him come if he tried.”
“Why not?”
“No idea. Do you know if something happened between them in the last couple of weeks?”
“It isn’t something Ben and I have talked about.”
“Paige is convinced Liv can hear us, that’s why it’s so important that we keep talking to her, but that we don’t say anything, you know, that might upset her if she can hear us.”
“So Paige, is she thinkin’ she wants Ben to leave?”
“Yes. She is.”
Billy Patterson came off the elevator with Dottie and his dad.
“Where’s our girl?” Dottie said to him.
“I’ll take you in. Bud, are you okay out here?”
“No, no, don’t worry about me. I’ll wait here.” Bud went and looked out the window, talking in hushed tones to Mark. “Do you want me to talk to Ben then?”
“Paige will. But she wants your help to try to convince him. We’ll keep in contact with him and let him know if there’s any change at all.”
“I know my son. It isn’t going to be easy to get him to leave.”
“I know that, and I don’t know if it would be a good idea to tell him she didn’t want him here. What do you think?”
Bud had no idea. He’d call Ginny.
Paige and Renie came out when the Pattersons went in. Followed by Ben.
“Hey Dad.”
“Hello Son,” Bud answered, wishing he knew what to do.
“What the hell is he doing here?” Billy was looking at Ben. “She doesn’t want him here.”
“Billy!” Paige put her hand on his arm. “Please take Renie downstairs and get her something to eat. And please bring me back a cup of coffee.”
“You be gone when I get back,” he pointed at Ben. Mark stepped in front of him and turned him in the direction of the elevator. “Not now,” Ben heard Mark say to him.
Ben looked at Paige. “What the fuck was that all about?”
“Ben, son, please sit down. There are some things Paige needs to talk to you about.”
Ben did as his dad asked, as though he was an auto-pilot. Paige sat on the other side of him, leaned forward and put her hands on his.
“You need to go back out on tour.”
“I already told you I wasn’t leaving.”
“Son, there’s something Paige needs to tell you.” Bud looked into Paige’s eyes. “Go ahead Paige.”
“Liv wouldn’t want you to miss this opportunity Ben. This is your tour. Your shot. Your year. We will be here with her, and so will Renie, although we’re going to try to get her to go back to school. We’ll let you know the minute there’s a change.”
“No Paige. I’m not leaving. The tour doesn’t matter. Nothing matters but Liv.”
“Tell him the truth Paige,” said Ben’s father.
Bud talked Ben into going to the hotel at least for a little while. Liv had already had more visitors than the ICU staff permitted and they insisted they leave, but could come back in the morning. Bud convinced Ben there was no point in sitting in a waiting room for hours. If there was a change in her condition, the hospital would notify him.
“I’m not going back on tour Dad. Before you say anything, don’t try to talk me into it.”
> “It’s your decision.”
“But you think I should?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“What would you do, you know, if it was Mom?”
“I don’t know. Knowing it was what she wanted, I might. I always do what your mother wants.” Bud laughed and so did Ben.
“I can’t leave her.”
“What can you do to help her?”
He could be there when she woke up, and until she did, he would hold her hand and talk to her, and sing to her and anything else he could do to help.
“And what if she knows you’re here?”
“Then it’ll be one more reason for her to wake up.”
Jimmy called and told him they’d posted about the concert cancellation on Facebook and Twitter that the concert in Cleveland had been cancelled due to a family emergency. And once they had, the response from the fans had been incredible. There were posts of support coming from everywhere.
“Support for what?”
“For Liv.”
“How does anyone know about her?”
“You live in a fishbowl Ben. We’re on a national tour, and it’s sold out. The fan response to the new album has been phenomenal, you know that.”
Jimmy was right. At the beginning of the tour they were booking small clubs, the usual ones they’d played in year after year. But they were selling out in minutes. The tour promoters pushed for bigger venues, and they were selling out too. Ben had a hard time believing it was happening. All the years they’d dreamed of this and suddenly, inexplicably, it was happening. Only a few months ago they’d played the Paramount in Denver, and now they were sold out at Red Rocks—where they’d been an opening band a little over a year ago. And where he first met Liv.
There was a knock on the door and his dad went to get it. Ben told Jimmy he’d call him back when he saw Paige walk in.
“What would she want?”
“Let up Paige.”
“What would she want?”
He wouldn’t answer her.
“What would you want, if it was you? Would you want her giving up her dream? Would you tell her to sit by your side, when there was nothing she could do, and let her dream dissolve into nothing?”
No, he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t want her to do that. Ben got up from the bed and walked over to the window. A few minutes later he heard the hotel room door close. When he turned around again, his dad was sitting in the chair, his fingers steepled in front of his mouth and nose.
“Come to any decisions?” he asked.
“Yeah,” he said with reservation. “I’ll fly into Hartford tomorrow night. I’d like to use the plane Dad. If there’s a change in her condition, I want to be able to get back as fast as possible.”
“We’ll go together Ben. I’ll stay with you on tour for the time being.”
Ben knew what his father’s biggest concern was, and he was glad he didn’t say it. Yeah, he wanted a drink more than anything. Not just one, he wanted a whole bottle.
The next morning Ben went to the hospital and told Liv he was going back on tour. He was doing it for her, because he loved her. And he hoped Paige was right, that Liv could hear him.
***
Renie made the decision to move her mother to Denver to continue her treatment. Liv’s new doctors agreed with the staff in Idaho, that the surgery was too risky given that they still could not determine why she wasn’t coming out of the coma. They’d keep her in traction for the time being, and when her condition stabilized or she was conscious, they’d revisit the surgery.
Paige talked Renie into going back to school to make arrangements with her professors to continue her classes while traveling back and forth between Fort Collins and Denver.
Since Denver was less than an hour from Paige and Mark’s place in Monument, they assured Renie that one of them would be with her mother every day, if not both of them.
Chapter 18
Ben walked out on stage the following night in Hartford, Connecticut and was met by chants. “Liv, Liv, Liv,” the audience said over and over.
He pulled a stool to the front of the stage, sat down, and did what came naturally to him. He told them about her. Ten thousand people went completely silent, and listened.
“I told her that I wouldn’t play this song until she was here with me, to hear it live for the first time, but I feel her here, through you.”
Ben started to play, just him, the rest of band stayed silent along with the audience.
Sweet beauty on steps, waiting, like me
Sun masked by clouds, so free
Beautiful, if only you were able to move,
To go, to ride, to smile, to fly, to kiss, to fall.
I know how deep your smile, if only you could fall
I know how wild your passion, if only you would fall
I know how deep your longing, if only you could fall.
I know your fear, I know your tears
But that smile, so sweet, that longing so deep
Your eyes burn into my heart, my love, my joy, my fall.
You know my longing deep, you know my love, so hard
You know my longing deep, you know my passion, so wild
You know my fall.
To see you here then, in the midst of your fall
To know your joy, so deep, to know your passion, complete
To know your longing, my all, and then, my sweet, you fall.
When Ben woke up the next morning, Jimmy told him a fan had posted “And Then You Fall,” on YouTube. It had over three million views. Overnight.
***
“Don’t ask me to do this.”
“I don’t want him here.”
“I made a promise Liv. I can’t keep lying to him.”
“Then leave. And don’t come back. I won’t ever forgive you if you tell him.”
“Liv . . .”
“I don’t want him here.”
Liv spent hours replaying the accident over and over and over in her head. She felt Micah hesitate, that split second, when he went right. They were tight to the barrel, but Liv knew they were going to knock it over. Suddenly Micah went down, her head was too close to the ground, she knew she was going to hit head first. She heard the snap when she did. Now she couldn’t feel her legs.
Billy assured her that Micah had been thoroughly checked out and suffered no injury in the accident. He promised her he’d make sure her horse was exercised daily, and ready to get back at it as soon as she was.
Renie, Paige, Mark, and Billy were the only people she permitted to visit since she came out of her coma two days ago—four days after they’d moved her to Denver. Paige told her that Ben had come to Idaho the day after her accident, and that she had convinced him to go back on tour.
“Now I regret my decision Liv. I promised him I would tell him if there was a change in your condition. I promised.”
“I couldn’t care less Paige. You either abide by what I want or leave. And don’t come back.”
And if Paige knew anything about her at all, she ought to know she meant it. If Paige told Ben she had come out of the coma, and couldn’t walk, she’d never let Paige set foot in this room again. Or any other room she was in, for the rest of her life.
Renie had begged her to let them call Ben. Liv refused. Mark didn’t even mention Ben’s name. Smart man.
***
Philadelphia, Toronto, Saratoga Springs, Virginia Beach and now Raleigh. Every night, the same thing happened. The crowd chanted Liv’s name and Ben opened the show by telling a story about her. He never knew what he was going to say, he never thought about it ahead of time. Sometimes it was something new, sometimes it was a story he’d told at another show. Then he’d play “And Then You Fall.”
There was so much demand for the song, the band recorded a live version and put it on iTunes. Not only had the song moved into the number one spot in just a few days, their new album was currently number seven, and the song wasn’t even on it. The band was rapidly gaining
mass market popularity before Liv’s accident, and since, fan support had grown exponentially.
The worst pain he’d ever known was fueling the success of his life’s dream. The irony ate him alive.
He called Paige at least once every day. Nothing to report, she’d tell him.
***
Liv was moving to a rehab facility outside of Colorado Springs. She still didn’t have any feeling below the waist. The doctors were recommending the surgery, and Liv was in favor of it. The risk was high, not only could she end up as a quadriplegic, it could kill her. They wanted to wait three more weeks before they did it. Three more weeks.
“Let me tell him something, anything.”
“No Paige.”
“I have to tell him you’re being moved.”
“No Paige.”
“He’s capable of calling the hospital Liv. They may not tell him your condition but they’ll sure as hell tell him you’re no longer there. You know him, he’ll be here as fast as that little plane will fly him.”
“Tell him they’re moving me. But that’s all.”
“What do you think is going to happen when the tour ends?”
“I have six weeks before I need to worry about that.”
One sentence told Paige everything she needed to know. Liv was paying attention to what was happening in Ben’s life. The CB Rice tour had originally been slated to end October 30, four weeks from now. They’d added two weeks and ten more cities to the tour and Paige was certain no one had told Liv. Why would they? That meant Liv was checking. And if she was checking, she still wanted him in her life.
***
CB Rice was bigger than they ever dreamed possible. The record label wanted them to start the European leg of their tour in January. Ben agreed to it, tentatively.
They’d be off from the middle of November until the end of December. Once he saw his boys, he’d spend the time off with Liv. He’d spend every minute of it with her, until she woke up. And then he’d spend every minute after she did with her too. His boys could come over from Crested Butte and stay with him for a couple weeks here and there.
And Then You Fall (Crested Butte Series) Page 21