Jane Doesn't Save the World

by Erin Grey

  I must have dissociated completely at that point, because the sudden halt of the vehicle jolted me into awareness. The door lifted open, and we poured out like human soup. Probably smelled like human soup, too.

  I searched for a familiar face and spotted Aidon throwing around orders. He was clearly the leader of the group, and I didn’t want to interrupt and possibly hinder our escape.

  My green-haired admirer from the clinic, Brianus, found me surprisingly quickly and clung to my arm. Gwendolyn felt sorry for him and wouldn’t let me shake him off.

  “He’s probably as scared as we are,” she said. “And it’s nice to have a friend here.”

  Fleecy, vaguely equine creatures were led towards us.

  “Pony!” shrieked Emmy joyously.

  “They don’t look like any ponies I’ve ever seen,” said Sandy.

  They were more like a cross between an alpaca and a cart-horse. With some woolly mammoth thrown in.

  “They’re so fluffy!” exclaimed Gwendolyn.

  Aidon’s voice rose above the clamour of opening and closing doors and shuffling, mumbling patients. “Right, this is where we split up. East group, over here. West, join Rodri over there. North takes the vehicles on to the processing base, and South, you’re with me.”

  He pulled down his glasses—which darkened instantly—and looked in my direction, thrusting his hand toward the animals. I hustled over along with Brianus and half a dozen other patients. Aidon climbed onto a woolly pony and motioned to us to do the same.

  I watched my mount dubiously as it chewed, saliva dripping from its chin. It spat on the ground near my feet. Maybe it was related to the llama.

  There were no saddles attached, just rough-looking blankets and a flat strap that wrapped around the animal’s neck, ran down between its eyes, and then looped around its muzzle. A number of cords hung down from either side of the harness, presumably to be used for steering purposes.

  I glanced around me to see how others were mounting the large beasts and was shocked to see that I was the only one still on the ground.

  “How do I get onto it?” I asked.

  “Grab its hair and pull yourself up,” barked Aidon.

  “Won’t that hurt it?”

  “Of course not.”

  I narrowed my eyes at the llama-horse’s mane.

  Aidon heaved out a frustrated breath. “Hera, woman, it’s not quantum theory.”

  Aidon slid off his mount and stomped over to me, grabbed me round the waist, and threw me onto the animal. I grappled for a hold and managed to swing my leg over the other side so that I could straddle the beast.

  “Well, isn’t he just a bucketful of machismo and sunbeams?” snarled Sandy.

  “You requested assistance,” said Jasper. “He simply provided it.”

  “Trust you to side with Batman over there.”

  “He’s so strong,” Gwendolyn gushed.

  Aidon quickly pulled himself back onto his animal. “Right, off we go.”

  Everyone made a buzzing sound through their teeth, and their mounts moved forward. I imitated as best I could, and my animal moved, too. Triumph quickly turned to dismay when I realized it was moving in the wrong direction.

  “Use the guiding strings!” shouted Aidon, already a good few metres ahead of me with most of the group following close behind.

  I leaned forward and reached for the strings, slid halfway off but managed to right myself, then got my hands on the reins and pulled. It worked, and I caught up with the rest of the group.

  Aidon nodded briefly as I came level with him, then focused on the path ahead. I wriggled until I settled into a rhythm of rocking with the movement of my ride and envisioning Jasper’s projections of the awful scenes that would be occurring at home if I didn’t get back in time.

  * * *

  The bucking of my seat shook me from my introspective daze. How long had we been riding? I’d lost all track of time, although I could see that the sun was lower in the sky and the terrain had changed from stark and rocky to thickly wooded on either side of the path. I couldn’t make out a word of the frenzied shouting, but the animals were going crazy, ignoring the desperate tugging of their riders and charging off in all directions. I found myself galloping through purple jungle, ducking down as close to the llama-horse’s back as I could to avoid being scraped off by a wayward branch. Violet vines dangled from giant maroon trunks, threatening to ring my neck as my mount plunged between saplings and brush. I gave up on the reins and flung my arms around the animal’s neck, clinging with all my strength.

  My eyes tightly shut, I had no concept of where we were headed or if any of the group were going in the same direction. I just held fast and waited for the llama-horse to tire out.

  Emmy squealed. “Wheeeee!”

  Sandy chuckled. “Whaddya know? The kid’s an adventurer.”

  “Where has Emmy been all this time?” pondered Jasper. “Never in all my years …”

  The mad dash went on until my arms and thighs ached and began to numb. I begged my mount to stop.

  Maybe he understood English or my transmitted Caruthian. Maybe he tired out or got far enough away from whatever had frightened him to feel safe. But thank the gods, goddesses, and whatever other deities they had on Eorthe, he finally stopped. I felt his head drop down, and I carefully opened my eyes. He was crunching away at the maroon ground cover, apparently content that he was now safe.

  I slowly released my cramping arms from his neck and pushed myself upright. Avian-like twitters and chirps burbled out of the dense indigo forest around us, but not another sound could be heard.

  “Alien birds, remember,” said Sandy. “Ooh, maybe they have flesh-eating pterodactyls here or something equally as cool.”

  “Do not hope for danger,” Jasper scolded. “One must be positive in the face of adversity.”

  “Fine, how about a round of ‘pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag and smile, smile, smile’?”

  “That is not what I meant. You are deliberately obtuse.”

  “Oh, but it’s so much more fun that way!”

  Clutching onto horse-llama’s woolly mane, I gently slid off his back. My knees buckled on impact, and I landed hard on my butt.

  >BIOS ACTIVE_

  >Loading System Status Update_

  >Adrenaline: Full capacity

  >Heart rate: 152 and dropping

  >Excess lactic acid detected in muscles

  >Initiating muscle extension routine to disperse excess lactic acid_

  “I think I’ll call you Speedy,” I told horse-llama as I stood up and stretched, but he ignored me and cheerfully carried on munching his grass.

  The vegetation was too thick to see much beyond our spot, and even BIOS had lost all sense of the direction from which we’d come.

  “Ascertaining our position is a priority,” said Jasper. “We must determine the safest direction to proceed.”

  “You just enjoy your snack, Speedy,” I said, patting his neck. “I’m going to do a little reconnaissance.”

  I grabbed one of Speedy’s leading strings and tied it firmly to a young tree near his head. Then I circled out from that point, always keeping my masticating mount in sight.

  On my third circle, I found Brianus splayed out on the ground, unconscious.

  “Oh no!” cried Gwendolyn. “Is he dead?”

  “Check for injuries before you attempt to wake him,” said Jasper.

  “What is this, First Aid 101?” scoffed Sandy. “You know we don’t have a clue how to check for injuries. Better pray he doesn’t need mouth-to-mouth.”

  I knelt down beside Brianus to have a good look.

  “There does not appear to be any blood or swelling,” said Jasper.

  “Is that good?” asked Gwendolyn.

  “I am not certain,” replied Jasper. “How long does it take for internal bruising or bleeding to show on the outside of the body?”

  “Don’t ask me!” said Sandy. “Anyway, there’s nothing w
e could do if it did.”

  Satisfied that there was nothing visibly wrong, I felt Brianus’ arms and head for lumps or anything odd. Then I patted his cheek gently and called his name.

  He woke up with a jerk and bolted to his feet, causing me to scream in shock, and him to scream at the sound of my scream.

  We stared at each other in absolute terror.

  Eventually, our respective brains realized we were in non-threatening company and calmed the hell down.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, willing my heartrate to drop.

  Brianus looked at me blankly and scratched his arm.

  Great. We couldn’t communicate, apparently. Maybe he didn’t speak Caruthian, and I didn’t know how to change my transmitter to another language, even if I could figure out what language he did speak.

  I pointed to him and made a thumbs-up with a questioning face.

  He looked at my raised thumb, and his face crinkled in the universal expression of “I’ve no clue what you’re talking about.”

  “He doesn’t understand a thumbs-up?” said Gwendolyn, bemused.

  “It is not unusual for cultures to have their own set of accepted gestures,” said Jasper. “Perhaps some experimentation is in order.”

  “What if we sign something rude?” fretted Gwendolyn.

  “We can’t stand around doing nothing,” said Sandy. “We’ve got to take the risk.”

  I looked around for Brianus’ mount, but there was no sign of it. Trying various versions of beckoning, I eventually communicated to him that he needed to follow me and led him back to Speedy.

  “We’ll need to find water soon,” I said, knowing that neither of my companions would understand, but finding comfort in stating it aloud anyway.

  “The likeliest place for water is at the base of a hill,” said Jasper. “Therefore, I suggest we head downwards.”

  I untied Speedy and walked in the direction that showed the most inclination towards going downhill. It promptly gave up the notion, and we changed bearing several times before we were on a consistently downwards path.

  The distant bubbling of moving water was music to my ears.

  What I saw was slightly less musical. A number of other creatures had beaten us to the stream. And they didn’t look friendly at all.

  For a start, they were built like rhinoceroses, with thick, broad flanks. They had horse-like manes and tails, as well as long, evil-looking horns on their foreheads.

  “Unicorns?” squealed Gwendolyn. “I love unicorns!”

  “Unicorns do not exist,” said Jasper. “Those animals have more in common with rhinoceroses.”

  One of the unirhinos growled at the younger one next to it. I hadn’t seen teeth like that on a horse, rhino, or even a unicorn. Maybe a T-Rex.

  “I suggest you remove yourselves hastily but with caution,” advised Jasper.

  We were on a ridge just above the pack, so I grabbed Brianus’ arm and nudged Speedy backwards with my hand on his chest. Carefully, we moved away from the river. But the gods of storytelling were never going to let such a choice opportunity slip through their assuredly cold fingers.

  A twig snapped.

  At least ten unirhinorexes jerked their heads in our direction. One sniffed the air, and a rumble started in its throat. Was it … purring?

  “Forget caution!” screamed Sandy. “Run!”

  I pulled myself up onto Speedy and tugged Brianus after me. He took the hint and climbed aboard, which was fortunate, as there was no way on Eorthe that I could’ve pulled him up myself.

  Speedy didn’t need any encouragement to get a wriggle on, and soon we were becoming intimately acquainted with the sensation of twigs and leaves slapping our faces. I crouched low, ears straining for the sound of pursuit.

  A rhythmic thudding echoed in the distance.

  “How the hell are we going to outrun a pack of unirhinorexkitties?” yelled Sandy.

  “Think,” said Jasper, coldly calm. “They are exceptionally large animals, therefore, their body weight will limit their range. If we were to climb a tree, for example, it is doubtful they could climb after us.”

  “We can’t leave Speedy to them!” bawled Gwendolyn.

  “Yes, you ice-hearted bozo,” agreed Sandy. “We can’t abandon one of our own. And how do you know they won’t just push the tree over, anyway? They look like they could do it.”

  “Fine,” Jasper said. “We must search for another area they cannot access.”

  Either the thuds were getting louder or fear was sharpening my hearing.

  We raced onwards, but I could feel that Speedy was tiring from the feverish pace. We needed a solution. Soon.

  Up ahead, the trees thinned out. I risked a glance behind and caught a glimpse of teeth and pounding hooves.

  The sight that greeted me when I turned forward again was not comforting. The ground ahead dropped off sharply into a rocky ravine, far too deep for us to survive the fall.

  I almost pulled Speedy to a halt before realising that would be a huge mistake. The unirhinorexkitties were far too close, making it certain death behind. But it was also certain death ahead.

  “Maybe we play dead?” suggested Mitch.

  “We all know you have a death wish, Mitch,” said Sandy. “But I’m pretty sure even you would hate becoming unirhinorexkitty dinner.”

  “Kitty!” squawked Emmy.

  The ravine got closer and closer, and so did the unirhinorexkitties. The vibrations of their purring skittered up my spine, and I fancied I could feel their hot, reeking breath on my neck. I invoked all the gods I could think of and made up a few new ones just in case.

  We reached the cliff edge.

  Well, Sandy, Jasper, Mitch, Emmy, Gwendolyn, BIOS, it’s been swell. Rest in peace.

  Speedy leapt.

  20

  A Story for Children

  This is a creature called a Yewnikrun. It has sharp teeth and long claws.

  Some children would like to touch a Yewnikrun. Do you want to touch a Yewnikrun?

  Do not touch it! Yewnikruns are very dangerous.

  They bite and scratch with their big teeth and claws. They could eat you. Then you would be dead.

  If you disobey your parents and run away, you might meet a Yewnikrun. It will eat you.

  Don’t disobey your parents. Stay with them and stay safe. Don’t look for Yewnikruns.

  21

  The bit where, surprisingly, we don’t die

  My life did not flash before my eyes as we became airborne. Instead, my stomach attempted a hasty exit, its sense of self-preservation the strongest of all my organs. My eyes were shut tight; I didn’t want to see the ground before we decorated it.

  Sandy and Gwendolyn screamed while Jasper reasoned through the probability of dying instantly versus dying slowly and painfully, all the while trying to get me to open my eyes so he could acquire more facts and figures for his calculations. Mitch refused to hear anything except his own hysterical humming. Emmy squealed with joy.

  “Flying!” she laughed.

  The thud of our landing shocked the hell out of me. It was a jolt, yes, and my spine screamed at the disturbance, but the assuredly painful feeling of being splattered across the floor of the ravine was inexplicably missing.

  Speedy recovered from the landing and strolled calmly forward. I felt his head duck down, and a rhythmic crunching ensued at ground level.

  My eyes were still tightly shut. I really did not want to open them. Brianus dropped his arms from around my waist and straightened up. Well, he wasn’t screaming in terror, so perhaps I could risk a tiny peek.

  I swear I felt each minuscule muscle creak as I opened one eye.

  Speedy contentedly chewed on the amethyst-leaved bush before us.

  I opened the other eye and slowly sat up. No sign of the unirhinorexkitties.

  I glanced behind us.

  The ravine lay in the distance, and I could just make out the rhino-shaped creatures stomping and tossing their heads on the o
ther side.

  “Well done, Speedy!” Sandy praised. “You rock!”

  “I think I like llama-horses more than unicorns now,” said Gwendolyn shakily.

  Brianus slipped off Speedy and took in the scenery. The frozen smile he always wore was diminished but present. I slid down after him and stretched out my aching limbs. Mortal fear has a way of cramping up your muscles.

  Speedy happily munched away at his bush, all signs of stress galloped out of him. I, however, continued to quiver and quake as the adrenaline pumped relentlessly through my body.

  “Breathing exercises shall calm you. Now, breathe in—rib cage expanded, abdomen relaxed—and out. And again …” A bit of coaching from Jasper and I felt slightly more in control.

  “Now observe your surroundings and ascertain your level of safety,” he instructed.

  “Huh, easier said than done,” muttered Sandy.

  “It’s flat land for miles,” said Gwendolyn. “And a couple of low bushes.”

  “Yeah, but who knows what deformed animals and life-threatening plants are hiding beneath?” said Sandy. “Giant snakes? Toxic scorpions? Death-dealing humming birds?”

  “Death-dealing … what?” stammered Gwendolyn.

  While Sandy gleefully terrorized Gwendolyn, Brianus ambled off in the opposite direction to the ravine.

  “Wait!” I shouted. “Where are you going? It might not be safe!”

  He ignored me and kept walking. Then he stopped and poked at the dirt with his foot. Nodding to himself, he walked onward. Speedy jerked his head up and started following him.

  “Wait … did I miss something?” said Sandy. “Llama-horse and the Grinmeister are communicating telepathically now?”

  “I don’t want to be left alone!” said Gwendolyn. “Follow them!”

  We walked until the brush thinned out and the terrain sloped downwards. I tensed.

  “We need water,” said Jasper. “And downhill is the most logical way to acquire it.”

  “That’s true,” said Sandy. “But we don’t need to meet any more carnivorous creatures, and you know where we bumped into them last time! I mean, dinosaurs are cool and all, but I don’t exactly want to be eaten by one.”