by Merry Farmer
“But sir,” Mrs. Musgrave started.
“That is my decision,” Alex said to her. By the frown he sent her, Gil could tell that, in spite of being right, Mrs. Musgrave wouldn’t come out of the confrontation without scars. Alex stepped away from Mrs. Croydon, approaching the housekeeper. “Miss Murdoch will be dismissed, but not before an adequate position for her is found. Until then, she will remain as James’s nursemaid, and she will not be harassed downstairs. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes, sir.” Mrs. Musgrave dropped a tight curtsy, her jaw rock hard with frustration. “Will you be needing anything else, sir?”
“No, thank you.” Alex nodded to her.
Mrs. Musgrave turned and stomped out of the room. Alex pivoted to face Mrs. Croydon, but sent a look Gil’s way as he did. A flash of guilt hit Gil. He shouldn’t have stayed to listen to the whole exchange, but one, brief look from Alex told him his employer understood exactly why he’d remained glued to the spot. Alex knew he’d been harboring complicated feelings for Ruby, though they’d never discussed it. However, there was no way for him to know how much more complicated those feelings had just become.
With a subtle nod to Alex, Gil marched out of the room. He let out a breath when he reached the hall, surprised that the ache in his gut didn’t diminish. The tension didn’t drain from his shoulders either. One way or another, it looked as though he was about to lose Ruby. Which was as it should be, considering her offenses. And yet, as logical as it was for him to get her out of his mind and move on with his life, the very thought filled him with misery.
He didn’t realize that his footsteps were taking him up two flights of stairs and around the corner to the nursery until he found himself standing inside of the open doorway. Ruby sat at James’s miniature table, crouched in one of his chairs, sewing something on bright blue fabric. Her face was red and splotchy, and she sniffled as she worked. Clearly, she’d been crying. That fact, added to the turmoil of everything he’d just overheard, made Gil’s insides feel like a hurricane.
“Where’s Faith?” he asked, stepping into the room.
Ruby gasped, sniffling harder and dropping her needle. She wiped her face quickly. “She’s napping.”
Gil glanced to the basinet in the corner for a moment, then fixed his gaze on Ruby, walking deeper into the room. He didn’t know how to say what he wanted to say. Hell, he didn’t know what he wanted to say in the first place.
“Hard day?” he asked.
Ruby blinked at him as if trying to figure out whether he’d make it better or add to it. She nodded.
Gil came to a stop beside the table and swallowed. “I was just down in the library.” He paused. An unaccountable pain radiated through his chest. “Mrs. Musgrave was in there demanding the Croydons sack you.”
Ruby sniffed wetly and nodded. She lowered her head, picking up her needle and resuming her sewing. “I should finish this before they come to kick me out,” she said, barely above a whisper. “Master James will need it for the winter concert in a few days.”
“They aren’t kicking you out today,” Gil told her.
Ruby snapped her wide eyes up to him. “They’re not?”
The exhaustion of the war between his head and his heart descended on Gil like a sack of bricks. He pulled out one of the child-sized chairs at James’s table and sank to sit in it. His knees shot up at odd angles, and his arms felt longer than usual as he rubbed his face with both hands. “How did we get into this mess, Ruby?”
There was a pause before she said, “We are not in any mess. I am in a mess because the world is an unkind place to anyone unfortunate enough to be born poor and a woman.”
Gil glanced up from his hands to stare at her. If he had said them, those words would have been full of spite and bitterness, but Ruby spoke them with a sigh of resignation. Her eyes were still on her sewing and her shoulders hunched with defeat. He opened his mouth to say…he didn’t know what. No words came, so he closed his mouth and rested his elbows on his knees, shaking his head.
“I don’t understand how you can be so calm about this.”
Her eyes snapped up to meet his. “I’m not calm,” she insisted, a spark of defiance in her eyes. But only a spark. “I am anything but calm. When I leave here, I have nowhere to go.” She lowered her head and resumed sewing. “I’ll be dead within a year.”
“You won’t.” Gil was surprised by the vehemence in his tone. He wanted to tell her that he would save her, that he wouldn’t let it come to that. His heart swelled with longing, but what he ended up saying was, “Mr. Croydon said that he wouldn’t dismiss you from this house until he and Mrs. Croydon found another position for you.”
Ruby glanced up, surprise making her face pink. “He did?” her voice wavered.
Gil nodded. “And I wouldn’t let you die.”
The silence that fell between them was prickly. She studied him as though trying to judge whether he could be believed. Finally, she resumed sewing once again. “You can’t put yourself at risk to save me.”
As desperately as Gil wanted to argue the point, she was righter than he wanted her to be. He’d worked hard, harder than most other men, to claw his way up from poverty and the stigma of being half Irish to earn his position with Mr. Croydon. And as long as the doubt about Ruby’s part in James’s kidnapping lingered, he would always question whether he should be loyal to the woman who could have destroyed so much for the man who was responsible for his position today.
“Fortunately, it won’t come to that,” he said at last. “But I’d be careful around Mrs. Musgrave and the rest of the staff until Mr. Croydon does find you somewhere else to go.”
“I’m always careful,” Ruby said without looking up. “I have to be. Now.”
Gil frowned, uncertain what she meant or why the sadness in her eyes had taken on a guilty hue. He wanted to ask her about it, to get her to open up and talk to him the way she had before James was taken. For months, they’d been close. He’d started having ideas about building a future together. It had felt so wonderful, so right.
Now, all he had was questions and a clock ticking away the time they had left together.
“I’m returning to London with the Croydons next week,” he said.
She didn’t look up. “Yes, I know. Mrs. Croydon hasn’t decided whether James should stay here or go to London with them.”
“James has only been to London the one time,” Gil said.
Neither of them said more. There was no telling how poor James would react to returning to the place that had been such a nightmare for him. He’d been miserable the whole time he was there in the autumn, even after being rescued. Even if he did go with the Croydons, Ruby might not go with them. Gil might never see her again.
The silence between them stretched on. There had to be something he could say, something that would bridge the gap between him, something that would let Ruby know he did care about her, even if he couldn’t go back to the way things had been. But no words came to mind. No thoughts either. For once, both his head and his heart were silent, leaving him lost.
“You don’t have to stay,” she said at last. “I’m sure you have other things to do.”
Gil glanced to the inventory of Alex’s clothes on the table. He hadn’t remembered having it with him when he entered the room or putting it down, but it served as a reminder that responsibilities awaited him.
“I should go downstairs to fetch James soon anyhow,” Ruby continued. “Seeing as I’m not to be cast out immediately. I’ll do my best to look surprised when the Croydons tell me my fate.”
She still didn’t look up at him.
“Ruby, I—” Gil blew out a breath. His words, his thoughts, his emotions, all of them were as frozen solid as the countryside around them, with no sign of a thaw in sight. The only thing he could do was stand, frustration dripping off him. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I wish everything were different.”
She glanced up at him at last, defeated. “So do I, but
they aren’t. It’s all right.”
It wasn’t all right. Not a bit. But there was nothing Gil could do about it but turn and leave the room to get on with things.
Chapter 4
“Come along, Master James. We’ll be late for your rehearsal if we stop to say hello to every squirrel in every shrub.”
Ruby held her mittened hand out for James, who trailed along behind her on the frosty walk into Lanhill. Part of her was convinced James was too young to partake in the activities of Mr. Turnbridge’s school—not to mention how wary she was of the whole enterprise after Miss Goode had convinced her she worked for the school last year—but James loved spending time with other children. He was active and adventurous, and in Ruby’s opinion, exceptionally bright for a boy of almost four.
“Why don’t squirrels get cold?” he asked, crouching and peering into a snow-covered shrub. “They don’t have mittens.”
“God made them special,” she answered, marching back to grab his hand. “Just like He made you special and Faith special and all the birds and trees special.”
James took her hand and stepped away from the shrub to peer at the lump in Ruby’s coat where Faith was nestled in her sling. “Did God make you special too?”
Ruby’s smile faded. She shouldn’t hesitate to answer yes. It was important for James’s moral education to believe God made everything just as it should be. But the more tragedy she experienced, the more twisted the path of her life became, the less certain she was that God was even there to begin with.
“Oh, look. The school’s just up ahead,” she said instead. “We should run.”
“No thank you,” James said, swinging her arm and taking his time kicking through the light snow blanketing the ground. “I like walking.”
“Just as long as you don’t walk too slowly,” Ruby said, trying to smile again.
It was hard. Every smile and every laugh she’d managed since Mrs. Musgrave announced her intention to have her dismissed was hard-won and faint at best. It’d been three days, but the Croydons hadn’t come to her with news of whatever new position they were trying to find for her. Which told Ruby that no one wanted her. She was already bracing herself for the inevitability of being back on the streets, in the same situation she’d been in when Gil found her.
Gil. She couldn’t suppress a sigh of regret. There was no point in denying that she’d fallen in love with him over the summer. She’d adored him since that first night a year ago. But the real Gil was even better than the Gil of her imagination. And she’d let him down. No matter how hard she tried to make things up to him, it was futile. James could have been killed, and it was her fault. Some sins were unforgivable.
“Ruby?” James asked in a small voice as they crossed the street, heading to the schoolyard.
“Yes, Master James?” She tried to smile at him.
James smiled back, as bright as the summer sun. “I love you.”
His words hit her like an arrow in the heart, and her eyes filled with tears. “I love you too, Master James,” she said, her voice cracking with emotion.
James stopped walking to hug her waist, then let go and skipped ahead, humming, without a care in the world.
Ruby’s throat closed up, and she had to blink back tears. Along with the startling joy that James brought her was the agony of knowing within days, she’d never see him again. The angelic boy was the only person left in the world who loved her, and they were about to be parted forever.
She swallowed her misery and walked on, following James through the gate and into the schoolyard. Faith began to stir against Ruby’s chest, reminding her that she had one more ray of hope to light her life, one that she prayed she’d always have with her. But if her luck ran out and she was faced with the choice between starving or giving Faith up, she wouldn’t hesitate. She rested a hand on Faith’s back and glanced up, attempting to bolster her sagging spirits by keeping an eye on James as he climbed the stairs to the school.
“Where do you think you’re going, missy?”
She was stopped by someone shoving her shoulder, causing her to stumble. Startled, Ruby turned to find a red-headed woman scowling at her. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Murphy.” She ducked her head and moved on.
But a second woman, Mrs. Jones, stepped into her path, bringing Ruby up short. “She asked you a question.”
“I beg your pardon?” Anxiety crept up from Ruby’s stomach to her throat.
Two other women circled around Ruby with Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Jones. They glared at her as if she were a slug on their cabbages.
“This is a respectable place,” Mrs. Murphy said. “A school.”
“There’s children here,” one of the other two, Mrs. Martin, said.
“It’s indecent for you to show your face here,” Mrs. Jones added.
Ruby swallowed hard. The rumors about her past must have leaked past Winterberry Park and into town. Not one of these women had given her so much as a second glance in the months that she’d been bringing James to school to participate in concerts and plays.
“I’m just here to drop Master James off,” she said meekly. “I’ll sit quietly in the back once I’m sure he’s in safe hands.”
“Like you did when you handed the boy over to that Miss Goode?” Mrs. Murphy said. When Ruby snapped an alarmed glance her way, she went on with, “Oh yes. Don’t think we don’t know about your part in that.”
“Aiding and abetting, innit?” Mrs. Martin said, crossing her arms.
“I—” Ruby’s mouth hung open. Sadness like a heavy blanket descended on her. It didn’t matter how much she explained to these women, how much she begged their pardon, she would never be forgiven. They would never see her as anything other than a menace and a bad influence.
She closed her mouth and let out a breath. “I’m sorry. I just want to be sure James is settled, and I’ll—”
Mrs. Jones shoved her shoulder, forcing Ruby to stumble back a step. “Get out of here.”
“Go on,” Mrs. Martin added, shoving her other shoulder so that she stumbled again. “We don’t want your kind around our children.”
Several of the children playing in the schoolyard stopped to watch the confrontation.
“Please,” Ruby pleaded, hugging Faith, who was growing fussy. “Let me just make sure James is safe.”
Mrs. Jones shoved her again, harder. “It’s a bit too late for that.”
“We gonna have to make you leave?” Mrs. Murphy pushed her so hard Ruby nearly fell as she reeled back.
“I’ll go, I’ll go,” Ruby whispered, her throat squeezing.
“What’s going on out here?”
All four of the women advancing on Ruby whipped around at the sound of Mr. Turnbridge’s voice. The handsome, young teacher marched down the school steps with a frown. He didn’t wear a coat over his suit, which showed off his fine physique.
“What is the meaning of this?” he asked as he came to a stop in front of the ladies.
“We don’t want the likes of her anywhere near our young ’uns,” Mrs. Murphy said.
“She’s a moral cesspit,” Mrs. Lawson, the one who had remained silent so far, said.
Mr. Turnbridge pressed his lips together, frowning at Ruby. But he had just as much censure for the other women. “Miss Murdoch is nursemaid to James Croydon. She has brought him to school every time he’s joined us since this summer. Why do you suddenly object now?”
The women looked affronted. “You heard what she is, sir, didn’t you?” Mrs. Murphy said.
“She’s a whore, that one.” Mrs. Jones stuck a thumb in Ruby’s direction and jerked her head.
Mr. Turnbridge’s frown deepened. “I have heard the rumors,” he said. “That is all they are.”
“That’s not all they are,” Mrs. Murphy insisted. “We don’t want her fouling our young girls and seducing our boys.”
Ruby lowered her head. There was no point in arguing that she wouldn’t do either unspeakable thing. “I’ll go,” she said softly,
hugging Faith.
“Oy!” Mrs. Lawson yelped. “She got that bastard baby with her?”
“Spawn of Satan,” Mrs. Martin grumbled.
“Enough, ladies.” Mr. Turnbridge raised his hands. He glanced sympathetically to Ruby. “I’ll make sure that James is looked after. And as for you,” he turned to the other women. “You are free to go about your business, seeing as your help will not be necessary for our rehearsal.”
The women sniffed and stood straighter, not sure whether they’d just been insulted and told to get out or appeased. Ruby didn’t stay around to find out. She turned and walked out of the schoolyard, into the snowy street, then paused.
If she walked all the way back to Winterberry Park, she’d have to turn around and head back to town immediately to meet James as his rehearsal ended. In the past, she’d waited in the back of the school until it was time to walk James home. She didn’t have any money to spend at Lanhill’s one café, and she didn’t have a single friend in town. She had nothing to do, nowhere to go.
She drew in a breath, hugging Faith. If she stood where she was, her feet would freeze. There was nothing to do but walk, without direction, without a destination. It would be the same kind of walking she would do once she was turned out of Winterberry Park. Dark, whispering thoughts rose up in her like thorn vines. She would save everyone a lot of trouble if she dropped Faith off at the church, walked down to the river, and jumped into its icy depths.
Her footsteps took her all the way to the silent, snowy churchyard. She paused just inside the gate, staring up at the cozy parish church. It always looked and felt so welcoming, so homey when she’d sat there with the other Winterberry servants for church on Sunday. Rev. Fallon was such a cheery man, in spite of the whirlwind of family, friends, and babies that always surrounded him. His wife was a happy, caring woman as well, who looked out for all of the families in Lanhill, whether they wanted her to or not.